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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to think comment from boss was out of order

76 replies

Littlejobsworth · 04/07/2021 14:31

I work 15 hours per week in one of my jobs, there are 5 of us doing the same job and we don't all work on the same days so if we ever want to swap a day it's ok as long as we get the ok from the boss (it's always like treading on eggshells as he's so moody)

A few weeks ago my husband told me late on Saturday night that he'd unexpectedly got the Monday off. As it happened to be his birthday he asked could I have it too if possible. As it was quite late I messaged on Sunday around 11am to the work group (boss not on that) to see if anyone could swap with me. I also messaged boss to ask if it was ok and said not to worry if it wasn't as I'd be in as normal. He read the message straight away but didn't reply.
One person said she could swap if I could tell her asap as she needs to swap her plans. I told her I was waiting for an answer. At 9.35pm he messaged to say yes if it could be covered and no if not. By then there were various messages on the other group saying x could do this and y could do that etc, all very confusing! but basically it was too late. So, I put a message on the group that includes boss ( I did this so that he/everyone knew exactly what was happening as there has been confusion in the past with people coming in due to swaps etc) to say "Hi guys, no worries for tomorrow I will be in as usual. Sorry for late reply was waiting on boss. See you all tomorrow"

At 11. 15pm that night I was woken up by my phone. A message from boss saying "I did not appreciate your sarcastic comment. If you are not happy with my management style I suggest you come and see me. You purposely made it look like I had not replied for almost ten hours"

To say I was fuming was an understatement!! I went in to see him the next day and he was livid. He said that I should not have told anyone that I was waiting for a reply from him. Well what was I supposed to tell them then? He said "you messaged me on a day out with my family and expect an immediate reply" I pointed out that I had not expected anything of the sort and had even said it wasn't an issue if not possible. I said "as for messaging you on a Sunday, you have messaged me many times after 11pm and on the weekend" his reply was "yes and??? I can do that as your manager"

The bit I am asking AIBU to is this.

He then said "you need to remember how good the company were to you, in giving you that time off for your mental health last year"

I was so taken aback I couldn't speak. My family had gone through an incredibly traumatic time and it had made me ill. I took 4 weeks unpaid with no sick pay.

Was he overstepping the mark with this comment?

OP posts:

Aprilx · 04/07/2021 18:43

I think you were really out of order with your message and I would have been quite annoyed to, as I think, would many people. It was sarcastic, passive aggressive and looks like you just wanted to have a dig.

I cannot really comment on the rest as these days people seem to label just about anything as “mental health issues”. I could certainly understand him wanting to say something about how well the company had treated you after you pulling an unnecessary stunt as you did.

Sloaneslone · 04/07/2021 18:44

The other ladies had been messaging asking if it was a yes or no from him so they were aware anyway that he hadn't replied.

So they knew, why. There was no need to point it out, publically.

I don't think it was scarastic. But it did read like a dig especially since you put it in the group that your boss is in.

Not sure why of you wanted to say that you didn't put it in the group without him. Or just leave that bit out.

And if, how long you waited annoyed you, you could have spoke to him privately.

I mean he sounds like a dick. If he messages out of hours, he should respond out of hours himself. Its him that's created this culture of contacting people on their time off. And his comment about time off was shitty.

tallduckandhandsome · 04/07/2021 18:47

He sounds like an absolute knob. Bet he’s sexist too.

Tilly18101 · 04/07/2021 18:48

I’m a manager of a large team, and whilst I do reply to messages when I can outside of working hours, I don’t agree to time off/start time changes etc on weekends as I haven’t got my diary/capacity checks etc to hand, and it’s not easy to track and remember what’s been agreed when you get logged on.

Appreciate your DH last minute request but if it’s not in working hours or working week when requesting then I wouldn’t have expected a response.

The comment re your mental health was not professional at all nor was the response he can text you at all hours and you can’t. It’s both ways or no ways - if he sets the expectation that weekend messages are acceptable then he cannot be cross when you or the team do the same as he has set the standard.

tallduckandhandsome · 04/07/2021 18:48

@Sloaneslone

The other ladies had been messaging asking if it was a yes or no from him so they were aware anyway that he hadn't replied.

So they knew, why. There was no need to point it out, publically.

I don't think it was scarastic. But it did read like a dig especially since you put it in the group that your boss is in.

Not sure why of you wanted to say that you didn't put it in the group without him. Or just leave that bit out.

And if, how long you waited annoyed you, you could have spoke to him privately.

I disagree, if OP didn’t say she had been waiting for boss to respond, everyone would have assumed she was flakey.

Imnothereforthedrama · 04/07/2021 18:53

I think he was very oft and yanbu to be annoyed but I think the fact you asked at a weekend the day before to swap shifts is not on unless a emergency . It’s not as if you didn’t know it was your dh birthday and deciding if you can get the day off if my dh asked me on Saturday night I’d be like no . So I do get your managers point he shouldn’t be hassled on a day off about swapping shifts that could of been sorted out during work days . His handling of it was over the top though .

Sloaneslone · 04/07/2021 18:57

I disagree, if OP didn’t say she had been waiting for boss to respond, everyone would have assumed she was flakey.

Some of them already knew why.

She could have put the same message in the group without her boss.

tallduckandhandsome · 04/07/2021 18:59

@Sloaneslone

I disagree, if OP didn’t say she had been waiting for boss to respond, everyone would have assumed she was flakey.

Some of them already knew why.

She could have put the same message in the group without her boss.

But not everyone did. Why is boss’s reputation more important than OP’s?

Faevern · 04/07/2021 19:02

YABU you didn’t need to say waiting for the boss on the group that he is on, you could have said it on the group he is not if you felt the need and just clarified that you would be in on Monday, to your boss.

You should have put a sick note in if you were too ill to work, why did you not? 4 weeks unpaid leave is not a given especially if there are only 5 of you doing the same job. He may think he was doing you a favour if you didn’t have a sick note.

He was out of order saying it but so were you with your message.

Cherrysoup · 04/07/2021 19:03

Speak to HIS manager. What’s sauce for the gander is also sauce for the goose, he can’t decide that he’s Mr Almighty and it’s ok for him to message you on a day off after 11pm. Mentioning your mental health is abhorrent and disgraceful, that’s a very low blow.

Sloaneslone · 04/07/2021 19:05

@tallduckandhandsome who said it was.

Again, op could have put it in the chat without her boss, which she was using earlier.

Doing in a group with him in, which she wasn't using earlier, makes it sounds like its a dig.

UrAWizHarry · 04/07/2021 19:12

Massive overreaction from him.

NumberTheory · 04/07/2021 19:28

Your boss misread your intention in your message and over reacted (would have been poor handling even if you had intended being sarcastic). He shouldn’t have. The comment about your sick leave last year was totally out of order.

I think you could have handled the fallout better. Instead of focusing on the details you could have responded to his real issue which was that he felt you were disrespectful. Something like “I’m really sorry you read it as sarcastic, that wasn’t what I was trying to communicate. But I had asked people for flexibility and lots of people had responded, I was just trying to assure them I appreciated their efforts for me. I think everyone knows your entitled to your weekend too.” But he’s the manager, not you and the responsibility for handling discussions better lies with him much more than with you.

There are all sorts of ways you could have done the actual asking differently, but this is basically a matter of your boss feeling insecure (which he may have good reason for), reading your message as a challenge and handling that badly. As a one off it isn’t really a big deal, but if there are likely to be repercussions or it happens lots it may be worth thinking about finding a better place to work.

FunMcCool · 04/07/2021 19:55

You were out of order to put that message on a group chat, you shouldn’t have done that it did seem like a dig and seeing you have another group you could have put it in there. But he was over the top with his response.

WindyWindsor · 04/07/2021 20:09

Your manager is so out of order for the mental health comment!

I'm going against the grain here and agreeing with you. You were waiting for confirmation from him. He doesn't like how the facts make him look then that's his problem.

I'd be absolutely livid at him bringing up previous mental health issues and time off work. People are saying you were unprofessional but he is unbelievably unprofessional for doing that.

IamnotSethRogan · 04/07/2021 20:22

I think your message on the group chat is completely out of order. He hasn't exactly covered himself in glory but if you can't see why your message on the group chat doesn't come across as unprofessional and sarky then there's not point in this thread.

IamnotSethRogan · 04/07/2021 20:23

Does*

LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 04/07/2021 20:45

YABU to swap so late then lay blame on him in a group chat on his day off.

Whoever he is, whatever he’s like, he shouldn’t have to be in work mode 7 days a week. He has the right to time off. The stress of little things like this can really ruin a day out with family.

He Was out of order to mention mental health however.

Trayble · 04/07/2021 20:52

I don't think yanbu.

If he was rigid about staff not messaging out of work hours/on days etc then fair enough but if he does that to everyone it's only fair for people to expect him to reply when he's off. I despise hypocrites I don't care if he's a manager.

If he wants an uninterrupted day off which he is absolutely entitled to then he needs to afford the same courtesy to his staff. He knows he's in the wrong which is why he was so defensive and angry.

Original poster

Littlejobsworth · 04/07/2021 23:53

@Sloaneslone I can see why you are asking that so let me explain.

A few months ago a similar thing had happened (not with me) where one person thought the other was covering and vice versa and neither turned up. Just to clarify someone's mum had been taken ill and was in hospital, it was not a holiday request! He obviously wasn't happy so asked that when swaps have been made/discussed to please clarify on the main group the night before so that he and everyone else is clear.

OP posts:

Original poster

Littlejobsworth · 05/07/2021 00:18

@Faevern I don't understand why you are asking why I didn't put a sick note in. Of course I put a sick note in but they told me I was entitled to nothing because I only work 15 hours per week.

@Aprilx When you say that people these days label just about anything as 'mental health' I find that remark quite dismissive. I do not wish to go into the details but something horrendous was going on in my family that caused me huge distress to the point that I was referred to the mental health crisis team. Is that label ok?

OP posts:

StormcloakNord · 05/07/2021 00:29

I don't know what line of work you are in but I don't understand his (or PP's) problems with shift swapping.

As long as the designated amount of staff is present what does it matter who is present?

Anyway, he sounds like a right dick.

OhHeyItsSaturday · 05/07/2021 00:36

He sounds horrible, especially as you say he's always moody. I'm struggling to see what you did wrong, TBH.

Original poster

Littlejobsworth · 05/07/2021 00:40

@LibrariesGiveUsPower45321

Are you saying then, if I'm reading correctly, that he is entitled to time off and should not have to be in work mode 7 days a week, but we should and we should not be entitled to a free weekend with no messages?

That is my point because when he said I'd messaged him on a Sunday when he was with his family, I pointed out that he had done the same and on several occasions had messaged me well after 11pm. He replied "Well I can do that because I'm your manager"

OP posts:

3Britnee · 05/07/2021 00:52

I wouldn't have said I was waiting for a reply from boss
I'd have put I was waiting for confirmation that it was ok to swap.

But your boss was out of order for what he said, yanbu.

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