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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Help... !! What’s the right answer here?!!

72 replies

Jennypops · 04/07/2021 12:01

Hi everyone I could really do with an outside perspective here please ! So basically, last year I had baby number 3, we were just coming out of full lockdown and I have 2 other children 5 and 3. My mum was great and would come round a few hours most days to help while my husband worked very very long hours in the first few weeks. As a thank you, I paid towards an anniversary break for her in the cotswolds with my dad who also contributed but I paid the majority and spent the time finding the place etc. Mum didn’t seem too over excited to be going and it was suppose to be a surprise but my dad ended up telling her where they were going (after lots of asking!) and she trip advisored it! It was a cottage in a lovely spot and had a centre of excellence certificate. One review mentioned dogs and this put mum off. Anyway they went down and I get a phone call once they were there to say that she wasn’t staying it stunk of dog and there was dog hair everywhere and they were making the 4 hour journey home again. It was very matter of fact (no sorry love I just can’t stay here, just it stinks etc etc) I said ok and I was sorry and I’d talk to them later. She said don’t worry I’ve got your money back which I received a few days later and paid back what my dad had paid. A few family members made a few jokes about was it really that bad etc and mum made me feel really uncomfortable on a number of occasions like I’d booked a really dirty place for them but I never said anything. Anyway fast forward 3 children under 5, lockdown, homeschooling, my husband working ridiculous hours, I run a business I’ve not been coping with, Christmas etc, my mum sits me down and says she’s been hurt with me for a long time (there’s been a lot of tension between us and I never knew why) and she’s disgusted with me because I never rebooked her anywhere. I’ve since treated her to Christmas presents, Mother’s Day treats (a lovely outdoor planter which she complained wasn’t what she wanted), I phoned up to pay for her hair when she was at the hair dressers etc etc but she’s gone to town about the break away. She thinks I’ve handled it, in her words ‘disgusting’ and I should have rebooked her somewhere. She even complained that we’d taken the kids away for the weekend for their birthday and not done something for her. We later took mum and dad to cornwall with us and didn’t ask for a penny. I’m so hurt that this keeps getting brought up and to be honest think that my mum is being so out order in keep bringing this up. Especially knowing how much pressure I’ve been under this year and I’m pregnant again. Please can someone give me their perspective on this. I feel really cut up about a lot of things and this is just one small part of it.

OP posts:
AutistGoth · 04/07/2021 12:25

Your DMum is upset with you because SHE refused to stay somewhere that you booked for her as a special treat, then because you're not a mindreader and she didn't tell you that she wanted you to rebook it? Plus, you made sure she had plenty of other nice, expensive treats - even whilst juggling care of three babies and running your own business?? I'd be livid!

Has your mum always been this way?

Scoobysdoo · 04/07/2021 12:32

Your mum sounds like a spoilt brat who is being enabled by those around her to keep the peace. She's turned into a child and you are the parent. You need to put a stop to it by not giving in to tantrums.

Ask yourself why you feel the need to placate her all the time. I'd use the money to book some counselling sessions for you instead to get to the root of the problem.

As an aside it sounds a bit like your mum is jealous of your attention being on your kids.

WeatherSystems · 04/07/2021 12:38

She sounds off her rocker. You did a nice thing. Not sure what she’s after now other than to beat you around the head with it again and again and make you feel bad. She doesn’t sound like a nice person or a good mum.

Next time she mentions it say ‘you keep bringing this up mum even though it’s been and gone and you know dad and I were trying to do something nice for you even though it didn’t work out. Is everything okay?’

Put it back on her. Let her see you’re not picking up the shit she’s throwing at you or giving it any attention. And whatever she says, reply with ‘thanks for letting me know. I’ve put it behind me now and hope you can too. I don’t want to discuss this issue again’ and walk away if you have to. And every time it’s mentioned from then onwards simply say ‘I said I was done discussing this’ and disengage. You don’t have to tolerate her.

Macncheeseballs · 04/07/2021 12:41

She sounds awful, I try my hardest to not have her do any favours for you at all

SirenSays · 04/07/2021 12:41

I'd be very irritated by this and think she is being massively unreasonable but it sounds like you want a quick fix so it may be easier to just pay for something else.
She has been very picky about the trip and the planter so I'd let her choose from now on and stop trying to surprise her.

pinkflask · 04/07/2021 12:42

You know the phrase “it’s the thought that counts” - that’s what applies here. You did put in the thought, you planned it, researched it, and she decided clearly before she went she wouldn’t like it and hey presto, that’s what happened. Now she wants all the thought and work all over again. But it doesn’t work like that. If she really wanted a different break surely she could have found one with your dad and he could have asked if you’d contribute to that one instead, as obviously nothing you chose would ever be suitable.

slashlover · 04/07/2021 12:43

She's never going to like anything you do for her and it's never going to be enough, just stop trying to please her. She seems determined to be critical of you so you feel beholden to her, the more she criticises then the more you do for her.

Merryoldgoat · 04/07/2021 12:46

Tell her to FUCK OFF.

The more of these shit wit family threads I read the angrier I get.

Just because it’s your mother it doesn’t give her the right to treat to so poorly.

You have three small children. You are running a business.

My MIL helps us out with childcare and acts like we’re doing HER a favour.

Being grateful is good and right.

Being made to feel permanently indebted to someone for something they did of their own volition is mean and manipulative.

girlmom21 · 04/07/2021 12:49

To be honest when you got the refund I'd have sent it to them to book something of their own choosing

ChocolateCakeYum · 04/07/2021 12:49

Tell her to get stuffed. She’s a rude, ungrateful, spoiled cowbag. I’d have been told her to shut up a long time ago.

Eleoura · 04/07/2021 12:49

Find alternative child caring arrangements from now on! Point out the MANY good things you have done for your mum. She sounds unbalanced! If anything, give her the £50/£100 or whatever you were spending on the holiday, and tell her to book somewhere SHE thinks would be suitable. End of, and don't entertain it ever again. What does your father think about the whole situation?

Hankunamatata · 04/07/2021 12:50

I wouldn't have accepted money back. I would have told her to keep it and find something she liked.

moynomore · 04/07/2021 12:52

Your mum is behaving horribly in my opinion. I can't imagine ever doing this to anyone, let alone my daughter. What a brat your mum is.

pussycatlickinglollyices · 04/07/2021 12:56

Hang on - you and your DAD paid for it, why isn't he getting it the neck for not booking somewhere?

Bluntness100 · 04/07/2021 12:56

Some parents never cease to amaze me. My view is no matter how old my child is, she’s now 24, my job is to support her and provide for her if she needs it or as a treat, not vice versa. I wouldn’t wish to accept from her, and am even uncomfortable at Xmas and birthday gifts (although touched). I just don’t understand parents with their hands out like this.

I don’t even know what to advise but your mother is behaving horribly. It’s not you. It’s her, and you need to remember that.

Spartak · 04/07/2021 12:57

I'd book her in for a week at the cheapest accommodation at the nearest Pontins. I'd she's going to complain anyway, might as well give her something to moan about.

BarbarianMum · 04/07/2021 12:59

It's hard to say. As the trip that failed was a thank you present, I would have given your parents the refund and told them to book themselves something. You taking them away with you may or may not be a suitable replacement depending on how much "helping" they were doing on that trip. But your mum doesnt seem exactly the grateful sort, or do you think you are just taking her for granted?

GiantWingedWaspMoth · 04/07/2021 13:02

It wouldn't matter what you did, it probably wouldn't have been right.

She sounds ridiculously self centred.

The right thing is to ignore, ignore, ignore. In all honestly, if that was my mum I wouldn't bother again.

If anyone else says anything to your, tell them in a light way that you think that she has forgotten that you took her to Cornwall.

DismantledKing · 04/07/2021 13:05

I’m afraid that some people are very selfish, completely nuts, or a combination of the two.
She sounds like one of those.

woodhill · 04/07/2021 13:05

Just horrible of her. Very ungrateful of her about the cottage

DismantledKing · 04/07/2021 13:05

@Spartak

I'd book her in for a week at the cheapest accommodation at the nearest Pontins. I'd she's going to complain anyway, might as well give her something to moan about.
Make sure it’s Southport or Brean. They’re the worst.
Thehop · 04/07/2021 13:06

Get a good childminder. Don’t ask her for anything else. She’s spoiled.

BrownEyedSquirrel · 04/07/2021 13:13

Why does she expect anything of you? Bizarre.

Justilou1 · 04/07/2021 13:13

Honestly? If I was in your position, I’d add up all the things that I HAD paid for, and give her a running totally while I absolutely went to town! What a spoilt little madam!!!

BarbarianMum · 04/07/2021 13:18

@BrownEyedSquirrel

Why does she expect anything of you? Bizarre.
Bit bizarre not to expect anything from a relationship w an adult child. They are a human being, not some type of parasite.

What's weird here is that the OP seems to take a good deal of trouble with her mum, her mum helps her out but the relationship still has problems.