Help... !! What’s the right answer here?!!

[Jennypops]

Hi everyone I could really do with an outside perspective here please ! So basically, last year I had baby number 3, we were just coming out of full lockdown and I have 2 other children 5 and 3. My mum was great and would come round a few hours most days to help while my husband worked very very long hours in the first few weeks. As a thank you, I paid towards an anniversary break for her in the cotswolds with my dad who also contributed but I paid the majority and spent the time finding the place etc. Mum didn’t seem too over excited to be going and it was suppose to be a surprise but my dad ended up telling her where they were going (after lots of asking!) and she trip advisored it! It was a cottage in a lovely spot and had a centre of excellence certificate. One review mentioned dogs and this put mum off. Anyway they went down and I get a phone call once they were there to say that she wasn’t staying it stunk of dog and there was dog hair everywhere and they were making the 4 hour journey home again. It was very matter of fact (no sorry love I just can’t stay here, just it stinks etc etc) I said ok and I was sorry and I’d talk to them later. She said don’t worry I’ve got your money back which I received a few days later and paid back what my dad had paid. A few family members made a few jokes about was it really that bad etc and mum made me feel really uncomfortable on a number of occasions like I’d booked a really dirty place for them but I never said anything. Anyway fast forward 3 children under 5, lockdown, homeschooling, my husband working ridiculous hours, I run a business I’ve not been coping with, Christmas etc, my mum sits me down and says she’s been hurt with me for a long time (there’s been a lot of tension between us and I never knew why) and she’s disgusted with me because I never rebooked her anywhere. I’ve since treated her to Christmas presents, Mother’s Day treats (a lovely outdoor planter which she complained wasn’t what she wanted), I phoned up to pay for her hair when she was at the hair dressers etc etc but she’s gone to town about the break away. She thinks I’ve handled it, in her words ‘disgusting’ and I should have rebooked her somewhere. She even complained that we’d taken the kids away for the weekend for their birthday and not done something for her. We later took mum and dad to cornwall with us and didn’t ask for a penny. I’m so hurt that this keeps getting brought up and to be honest think that my mum is being so out order in keep bringing this up. Especially knowing how much pressure I’ve been under this year and I’m pregnant again. Please can someone give me their perspective on this. I feel really cut up about a lot of things and this is just one small part of it.

Wow lots of response!! Thank you! I couldn’t be more appreciative of my mum. And to be honest I know she needs to feel lots of appreciation (she has a thing for Facebook!!) so I do do this a lot. We’ve paid for meals out, paid for take aways, husbands paid for spa days, we booked them a trip to New York for her 50th (although when I mentioned this to mum she said no you paid for flights. Which is right I suppose but we did do a helicopter ride too and added up to a lot of money) I’m always making sure my husband is very thankful to her too. I get that the help is amazing and I’m lucky.

This is just such a small part of what I’m being blamed for. I think I could write a book! I guess I just feel it’s a bit unfair and she should of taken in to consideration that weve been in and of lockdown, I’d just had a new baby, my business was massively on top of me and generally been a shit year. Just feels like I do nothing right and to be bringing this up nearly a year later still ..

Flights to New York and a helicopter ride are sizeable presents. They are hardly a box of Milk Tray or supermarket flowers!

@MachiaNelly

I wouldn't have accepted money back. I would have told her to keep it and find something she liked

Absolutely this was the thing to do.

I suspect that the mother's response to that would've been along the lines of:

"I can't believe you just gave me money and expected me to choose my own present! I'm so hurt at how little thought you put into it!"

The OP will never be able to win.

@Jennypops

Wow lots of response!! Thank you! I couldn’t be more appreciative of my mum. And to be honest I know she needs to feel lots of appreciation (she has a thing for Facebook!!) so I do do this a lot. We’ve paid for meals out, paid for take aways, husbands paid for spa days, we booked them a trip to New York for her 50th (although when I mentioned this to mum she said no you paid for flights. Which is right I suppose but we did do a helicopter ride too and added up to a lot of money) I’m always making sure my husband is very thankful to her too. I get that the help is amazing and I’m lucky.

This is just such a small part of what I’m being blamed for. I think I could write a book! I guess I just feel it’s a bit unfair and she should of taken in to consideration that weve been in and of lockdown, I’d just had a new baby, my business was massively on top of me and generally been a shit year. Just feels like I do nothing right and to be bringing this up nearly a year later still ..

In which case OP maybe it really is about her not you and you should take a big step back.

From your update it sounds like your mother defines her worth and wants payback for all she does for you with Facebook gushing and the amount of money spent on her by you - do your siblings do this, are they expected to as well?

It all sounds very transactional, she does x for you but expects y in return and if y doesn't meet her expectations then you are considered to have failed, she measures your gratitude for whatever she does very forensically and on the other hand shows no or very little gratitude for what you give her as she feels it is her right to expect this largesse.

Your gratitude to her for the help she gives you comes at a very high price, do you honestly want to continue like this? Far better to make a contractual arrangement with a third party for child care as it will come without all the emotional baggage attached with your mum doing it and probably work out cheaper as you seem to be spending ever increasing amounts of money to buy this care and to prove your love/gratitude to your mother, it will never be enough in her eyes, the price will continue to rise and woe betide you if you or your husband don't thank her enough times.

You can't do right for doing wrong, back away for all your sakes.

This really is one of those situations where you can’t win.

No matter what you do and however much appreciation you show it will not be enough.

So you need to step away and no ask for any help or assistance going forward.

Then if you want to get her any presents it’s because you want to get her a present. Not as a thank you

Have you thought about telling her she's an ungrateful madam and to STFU about it already?

I've changed my mind and think your moms a dick given the fact you told her you paid for her to go to New York and she corrected you by saying you 'only' paid for the flights, as if that only took some small change.

Stop relying on her and spending lots of money on her. She's clearly ungrateful and entitled.

I think the answer to this very much depends on whether or not there was a genuine problem with the original booking.

Your OP mentions that your mum was worried about dogs having stayed there. Was she correct and was there genuinely a problem? Or was she just being over critical and fussy?

If there was a real problem with the first booking then I would expect you should use the refund to book something else so that she gets the treat she was expecting.

If she was being over critical, then she is being unreasonable and I would start to withdraw a bit from the childcare etc

Tbh I would sit her down, with a list of everything you have done for her, and go through it. I would explain you booked the cottage in good faith, it had good reviews but she chose to come home and whilst you are thankful she got the money back for you that’s subsequently been spent on stuff on your list, which you think she would appreciate more than a break away, add in you took them t9 Cornwall and that is a holiday

I would also ask you dad if he us getting it in the neck about the break away, and if not I would mention that

Then explain the money has been spent, you have treated her along the way, you are about to have your fourth child and can no longer afford any break, and in fact the treats might have to stop

Then I would be looking at getting other childcare and not using her anymore

You’re pregnant again? With number 4, did I read that right?

My advice would be to stop pandering to her need for attention, and to stop using her for practical support. But will the latter be possible with what - 4 under 6? 4 under 7?

I do think that there was a place to “replace” the thank for helping me trip. Several hours, most days, for the first few weeks (so about 3 hours a day, 4 days a week, 3 weeks?) is a lot of help. I’d gladly give it to my daughter, but I think having yourself signalled it as “worthy” of a thank you present, you needed to replace the present that didn’t work out. All the other things were related to other events.

But that’s on this one present… given the overall picture from later posts, I’d return to my position above - stop using her for support, stop giving her presents to feed her need to attention.

Well I think that you are fulfilling a really important role for her as the whipping boy.

Stop trying so hard to please her, she likes being displeased and watching her minions run around after her.

Send her a box of biscuits and a card in future.

Ungrateful witch.

Stop trying. Really.

She sounds like a demanding, entitled and ungrateful madam.

Who does she think she is?

You are not there to serve her whims of a weekend away or anything else.

She sounds horrible. Really horrible.

In terms of your OP, yes the gift should’ve been like for like replaced.

Based on your follow up post regarding all the other things you treat your parents to, are you saying that you feel that as you and your partner are very generous towards her generally, she should’ve let this go? Or are you saying she isn’t generally appreciative enough of how you much you treat her? Do you generally have a good relationship with her?

OP! Sorry, I’ve forgotten my password and mums net not letting me back in 🤦🏼‍♀️

I guess I just feel there should be some empathy from my mum to me here. I’ve really really struggled this year, no sleep, breastfeeding, business, shock 4th pregnancy all the rest that to bring this up 6 months later and to say that’s why you’ve been off with me for so long is just so unfair. I’ve not been in the right head space to think clearly or hold anymore information that I currently have been and in a different time it may have been different. Nothing has been intentional or malicious. Where’s the compassion? You know who I am?

I do have a younger sister but In my mums words, she does more for me so it’s different. My sister gets a lot of help from her partners side. My mum is my first point of call. Having said this, we rarely if ever go out alone (me and my husband) and the children go to nursery a couple of days a week so my help from mum is when I’m around and helping me at home or for an appointment etc (still very grateful!) where my sister will ask more at weekends for sleep overs and works long shifts so mum will have the children by herself on the occasion her mother in law can’t. My mum had my sisters children all lock down but this has never been mentioned.

Always seems to be my door the blame falls at... having said that my sister doesn’t suffer fools and my mum doesn’t put this kind of thing at her.

Feel like I know I my heart who I am now and what it is I need to do, just feels like she is constantly trying to taint my character and I care people will believe it (I don’t know why!) There’s been an issue with her wanting shares in my business when I offered her an employed position (she’s helped me for a few weeks which I’ve paid her for but is telling people She’s so hurt and I should be offering her shares.. in her words she wants to ‘feel part of something’ I’ve been plugging away at this for YEARS!!! In the middle of the night, around work, around the kids etc etc..!!! I think if there’s a way to place blame at me then she will do it.

At a loss with everything and think I just need to discreetly take a step back and look after my own health.

She sounds incredibly narcissistic, in which case nothing you do will be good enough, things will always be your fault and you need to learn to mind read. My mum is the same, I've given up trying now. We don't live close enough for her to provide childcare but if she did I don't think I'd take the chance unless it was an emergency. It would be more trouble than it's worth.

At a loss with everything and think I just need to discreetly take a step back and look after my own health.

You do, this is not a healthy dynamic for you, prioritise you for a change be more like your sister and don't take any more of her manipulation, don't worry about what others think, that's their problem not yours.

Another vote to take a step back, l think that’s an excellent idea. You have lots going on and don’t need more stress

I’m blown away at the shares thing. It’s your company?!

She sounds extremely demanding. I get what posters are saying about replacing the gift but the fact that other family members were mocking the place would put me right off - your efforts were being ridiculed.

OP you sound very generous and thoughtful. I have an ex friend like your mum. She was not able to have kids but I feel very very sorry for her husband.

The only reason the OP needs to "replace" the gift (as some posters have suggested) is because her mum was too precious (and frankly shockingly rude) to decide it wasn't up to her standards. Awful behaviour.

Or replace the gift with a glitter bomb

I think another issue at play here is talking about how hard done by she is to other family members. Essentially, badmouthing you.

After your update about other ways in which you are generous to your parents and her lack of gratitude there, I don't believe her behaviour is justifiable. This being "disgusted" at you for not replacing her thank you present isn't a one off but a pattern of behaviour.