Help... !! What’s the right answer here?!!

[Jennypops]

Hi everyone I could really do with an outside perspective here please ! So basically, last year I had baby number 3, we were just coming out of full lockdown and I have 2 other children 5 and 3. My mum was great and would come round a few hours most days to help while my husband worked very very long hours in the first few weeks. As a thank you, I paid towards an anniversary break for her in the cotswolds with my dad who also contributed but I paid the majority and spent the time finding the place etc. Mum didn’t seem too over excited to be going and it was suppose to be a surprise but my dad ended up telling her where they were going (after lots of asking!) and she trip advisored it! It was a cottage in a lovely spot and had a centre of excellence certificate. One review mentioned dogs and this put mum off. Anyway they went down and I get a phone call once they were there to say that she wasn’t staying it stunk of dog and there was dog hair everywhere and they were making the 4 hour journey home again. It was very matter of fact (no sorry love I just can’t stay here, just it stinks etc etc) I said ok and I was sorry and I’d talk to them later. She said don’t worry I’ve got your money back which I received a few days later and paid back what my dad had paid. A few family members made a few jokes about was it really that bad etc and mum made me feel really uncomfortable on a number of occasions like I’d booked a really dirty place for them but I never said anything. Anyway fast forward 3 children under 5, lockdown, homeschooling, my husband working ridiculous hours, I run a business I’ve not been coping with, Christmas etc, my mum sits me down and says she’s been hurt with me for a long time (there’s been a lot of tension between us and I never knew why) and she’s disgusted with me because I never rebooked her anywhere. I’ve since treated her to Christmas presents, Mother’s Day treats (a lovely outdoor planter which she complained wasn’t what she wanted), I phoned up to pay for her hair when she was at the hair dressers etc etc but she’s gone to town about the break away. She thinks I’ve handled it, in her words ‘disgusting’ and I should have rebooked her somewhere. She even complained that we’d taken the kids away for the weekend for their birthday and not done something for her. We later took mum and dad to cornwall with us and didn’t ask for a penny. I’m so hurt that this keeps getting brought up and to be honest think that my mum is being so out order in keep bringing this up. Especially knowing how much pressure I’ve been under this year and I’m pregnant again. Please can someone give me their perspective on this. I feel really cut up about a lot of things and this is just one small part of it.

Literally just do nothing is my advice. Your mum sounds like a brat. I think you (and other people around her) have always bent over backwards for her and it’s spoilt her. I would also set her straight about her bratty ways but instinct tells me wouldn’t listen

For a big birthday of my Mum’s l took annual leave for a long weekend with her, drove half way up the country, took her a present and card. Took her out for lunch, drove her there and back. She berated me about it a few months later as l “made no effort”. A 500 mile round trip isn’t effort?! Another of her big birthdays is looming and l get vibes she thinks l need to sort something. There is zero chance of that

Sounds like your mother was determined to hate the accommodation whatever it was like and as she has told you she expected you to rebook somewhere for her with the refunded money.

With all the other incidents you mention where you barely get a thank you, the gift is not right, etc., my advice is to stop trying to please her, nothing you do will ever be good enough.

Step back, disengage with her, stop trying to do nice things for her you'll never reach the required standard.

Spend your time and money on you and your own family, if your mother says anything be straight with her and tell her that as nothing you do is ever good enough in her eyes you've decided to stop wasting your time and not bother any more.

Hmmm. She didn’t handle it graciously at all…

But- why are you mentioning the Christmas and mother’s day presents you’ve gotten her, surely you would’ve done that anyway? It is nice that you took them to Cornwall with you without asking them to pay their way, but to her, being invited to join your on your break clearly doesn’t feel the same as a gift of appreciation just for her, which I do kind of understand.

If your mum really hated the place I think it’s acceptable that she didn’t stay, she should of course have been more gracious about it, but you took the money back for her thank you gift and didn’t get her a replacement and it hurt her feelings.

It’s easily sorted OP, an apology for the misunderstanding, and buy her a gift voucher that she can spend herself.

@girlmom21

To be honest when you got the refund I'd have sent it to them to book something of their own choosing

Me too. You booked it as a thank you and, once you were refunded, didn’t then rebook something. I imagine she’s a bit hurt by that, regardless of the other stuff. Christmas presents are for Christmas, Mother’s Day presents for Mother’s Day. I get that paying for the hairdresser is an extra but it’s not the same as a trip away that was in appreciation of the help she had given you. I’m not saying she doesn’t sound like hard work but you asked what her perspective could be.

and find different childcare/help otherwise that will always be thrown back in your face.

Give your dad the cost and tell him to re-book somewhere. She’s an ungrateful cow, particularly as you took her on a free holiday.

Your mum is a twat.

And as you’re pregnant again with number 4 and it sounded like you were struggling before, I wouldn’t rely on her again with this baby.

Sometimes the more you do for people the more they expect.

I would put a stop to it now and I’d contact her and say that you’re really hurt because of what she said even though you’ve done XYZ and that you won’t be doing it anymore.

Do you have any siblings?

Lets face it, nothing will be good enough,
Find another child care option, & go Low Contact, when she complains, tell her its because she sucks the life out of everything, nothing is good enough & you are done with playing her games

I would tell her she is delusional and to go away and think about what she's saying. Absurd.

@Hankunamatata

I wouldn't have accepted money back. I would have told her to keep it and find something she liked.

Me too. She gave up her time to help you for a choice you made re children. Christmas and Mother’s Day gifts surely you do regardless anyway.

You don’t sound very appreciative of the daily help. Are you expecting her to do it again as well this time?

I've got one a little bit like this. Nothing is good enough unless she organised it. Food is always wrong if we go out to dinner. There's always a feeling that you owe them for their help even when you didn't ask for it.
I would give her the money, tell her to book it herself and then put some boundaries up and stick to them. There comes a time with every controlling parent to make a stand, here is yours. It's tough but worth it if you want any type of future beneficial relationship with her.

It was an ANNIVERSARY trip - why isn’t your dad getting it in the neck about this?

Did she marry him or you?

Hi Jennypops, you need to read a book called "You're not crazy - It's your Mother". Reading it really will be a light bulb moment for you.

I agree nothing will ever be good enough. But I don't get why you didn't book something else or better yet gift her the refund to put towards a holiday of her choice. Her hurt around this specific issue isn't unreasonable.

@pussycatlickinglollyices

Hang on - you and your DAD paid for it, why isn't he getting it the neck for not booking somewhere?

^ THIS!!!

Unfortunately, there isn't going to be a right answer here, only wrong ones that your mother isn't going to appreciate (a bit like the trip away in that respect).

If I were you, I'd book somewhere else, within your budget (and if that is one night away in a hotel or a week somewhere in a tent so be it) and present it as a fait acompli to both parents. Do not tell them where they are booked and then say this is it, then I'd go "If this doesn't stop your complaining Mum, nothing will. You can stop beating me with that stick you get such pleasure out of. I'm not going to sit here and listen to you rake over the same coals over and over again" and move on. Change the subject.
I'd also be strongly considering cutting back any sort of looking after her grandchildren she might be doing as you don't want such a negative influence around your kids. "Look kids, Granny is still complaining about the holiday we contributed to as a thank you. You know those sayings 'If you've nothing nice to say, best say nothing at all' or 'When someone does something nice for you, you should say thank you'...I guess no one taught Granny those".

I’d give her the money you got refunded and let her book her own trip. That way she can’t complain about the accommodation and if she does, it will be her fault for choosing it. You can explain by saying you hadn’t originally thought she wanted to re-book.

Longterm, I wouldn’t use her for childcare again because it seems to be making things worse between you. With presents like the planter you bought her that was wrong, I’d give her a voucher and tell her it’s to put towards a planter or whatever other things she wants. That way you can’t be accused of getting the wrong thing. If she complains that that’s impersonal or lazy, tell her why you’re doing it.

To be honest when you got the refund I'd have sent it to them to book something of their own choosing

Yeah, this. I don't like people choosing places for me to stay. I like to know where I'm going. It's the thought of someone spending good money on somewhere/something that's not ideal as well. It's not really a treat. Especially with the dog stuff, it would have put me right off and it's one of the things I'd check before booking. I'd have trip advisored it too. Sounds like your mum has helped you a lot, and given lots of hours to helping you.

Maybe she was disappointed she wasn't consulted and didn't get a choice. I can see it from both sides.

I wouldn't have accepted money back. I would have told her to keep it and find something she liked

Absolutely this was the thing to do.

Your mum does sound very difficult and rude and I think she should have kept her mouth shut. But technically, I think she sort of has a point. You offered her a gift, it was found to be “faulty” so to speak, I think the refund should have gone on an alternative gift to be honest. I think it is odd that you took the refund, but as I say, I also think your mother should have kept silent on the matter.

You taking them away with you may or may not be a suitable replacement depending on how much "helping" they were doing on that trip

Yeah. That leapt out at me too.

@MachiaNelly

I wouldn't have accepted money back. I would have told her to keep it and find something she liked

Absolutely this was the thing to do.

Probably true, but I can't imagine being a mum who behaves like the OP's under any circumstances. Hope I don't do this to my adult children. They're under enough pressure without needing a stroppy mum thrown in.

If anyone else says anything to your, tell them in a light way that you think that she has forgotten that you took her to Cornwall

That might be risky if Nan and granddad didn't feel like it was much of a holiday for them.

Sometimes the more you do for people the more they expect

Surely that works both ways?

While I agree your Mum has handled this badly, there are two points of view here.
She helped with childcare and she had an anniversary.
You bought her a holiday which turned out not to be suitable (I imagine her complaint was valid as she was refunded), she gave you back the money.
So from her point of view she hasn't received her thank you present or her anniversary present, which by buying the holiday you gave her to believe she would be getting.
Christmas and Mother's day presents are entirely separate issues and not unreasonable to expect these (I imagine she gave gifts to the children at Christmas ?)

Now she is wrong to have let it fester and to be so dramatic about it all, but I personally would take her viewpoint on board and see what she would like. I'd get your Dad on board and ask his opinion, and I'd ask her to give a specific idea of what kind of break she wants - in fact let her choose within a given budget.

She is hurt because her expectations were excited and then dashed - so she has reacted worst than she probably would have done if you'd given her a much smaller thank you gift. Disappointment comes from expectations not being met.