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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What will the Court do re DDs birthday this year..

67 replies

StressedlifeZ · 04/07/2021 00:56

Currently going through family court proceedings.. There's domestic abuse involved.
DDs father only has supervised contact once a month. Last year he requested to see her on her birthday after 6 months of no contact and demanded 50/50 otherwise he'd initiate court proceedings.. Which he then did.
We have a cafcass section 7 being ordered.
DD will spend her birthday at nursery this year as she did last year as they will spoil her and make a fuss of her and there will be a party for her :) I won't be with her on her actual day of her birthday as I'll be at work. She had a lovely birthday celebration at nursery last year and will again this year.
I know he will ask to see her on her actual birthday because he's a controlling b*stard.. He's not allowed near her nursery, he doesn't even know which nursery she goes to and the nursery manager said if he would ever turn up she'd just call the police and she doesn't even care.. Because he's not known to them.
Can the court force me to make her available on her actual birthday if I'm not going to be spending the actual day with her either? It means taking a day off work which I can't do for some time as I'm in a new job.. I'm not prepared to do that for him.
Just wondering where I stand as in knowing what nursery she goes to it then discloses our location, and he doesn't know where we live.. We are going to be moving in a couple of months and he doesn't know that either.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 04/07/2021 00:59

You can always object with reasons why but I would be prepared to take the day off work

Original poster
StressedlifeZ · 04/07/2021 01:02

No. I won't be taking the day off work because we're massively understaffed in our team and down by 4 members of staff. The court cannot force me to take a day off work.

OP posts:
Original poster
StressedlifeZ · 04/07/2021 01:05

DD will have a lovely birthday in nursery as her birthday falls on a weekday. I'll celebrate with her at the weekend..in the same way he could if contact is ordered. It's not like I'm saying no I'm not offering birthday contact because she's with me.. She will have a lovely time in nursery and can celebrate also at the weekend. I absolutely refuse to take a day off work to make her available.

OP posts:
MiddlesexGirl · 04/07/2021 01:08

Why would you need to take a day off work to make her available?

chickenyhead · 04/07/2021 01:09

You will be required to do what the court orders. If you don't it will reflect very badly on you. Do you have legal representation? Sounds like you definitely need it.

Original poster
StressedlifeZ · 04/07/2021 01:18

Her birthday is on a weekday this year. I can't take any time off until we get new staff which will be a few months. I won't take a day off basically comes after I can't take a day off.

OP posts:
FlyingBattie · 04/07/2021 01:35

When is her birthday? If its very soon, there won't be time for a court order I wouldn't think.
But I am no legal expert and you should probably consult one.

Willyoujustbequiet · 04/07/2021 01:45

I understand DV. I've been through it and the shitshow that's family court.

I don't think it will look good for you to be at work (that part is fine) but then to insist he can't see her either. I think he'll claim you are controlling and it may backfire on you.

Original poster
StressedlifeZ · 04/07/2021 02:00

What I mean is. He can't pick her up from anywhere. It has to be me that takes her to the contact centre. Contact was ordered to take place near him as he can't know where we live.. He's had 3 restraining orders on him, that's the type of person he is. If he was to ever find us, we'd have to go to a refuge. So, what I mean is. If I cannot take a day off work, and he is not allowed to come to our vicinity then how would contact work if its only able to be at a contact centre in the interim? We have no third party either.

OP posts:
Willwebebuyingnumber11 · 04/07/2021 02:03

They might order a SW from the contact centre to collect DD and take her to contact.

Original poster
StressedlifeZ · 04/07/2021 02:13

Nope. They can't know where we live either. Nobody can know. I've kept my address confidential from everyone. In knowing where she goes to nursery that puts us at risk as it's 5 minutes from where we live.
He's made threats to kill and said he'll rip my head off and stamp on it if he comes face to face with me.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 04/07/2021 02:34

I would be extremely surprised if they made this order. He sees her once a month supervised. Contact is in the interests of the child. She is clearly very young and I’m guessing would not of her own violation say she wants to see him on her birthday.

So where’s the benefit to her?

uhtredsonofuhtred1 · 04/07/2021 02:38

I've heard in some cases before that a social worker will take a child to a contact visit and also supervise the time there.

misssunshine4040 · 04/07/2021 02:40

@StressedlifeZ

Nope. They can't know where we live either. Nobody can know. I've kept my address confidential from everyone. In knowing where she goes to nursery that puts us at risk as it's 5 minutes from where we live. He's made threats to kill and said he'll rip my head off and stamp on it if he comes face to face with me.
SW can't know where you live? They are not going to disclose your address or whereabouts.

Everything the family court does must have the child's interest at the centre.

I do not believe a judge would decide that a day off nursery, breaking her normal routine, to see her dad in a contact centre is in the child's best interest.
Do you have a solicitor?

misssunshine4040 · 04/07/2021 02:43

I also just want to add well done for getting away and keeping your little girl safe.
You must be terrified he finds out where you live and I'm so sorry he's dragging you through court.
I hope your new move is far away from him and you feel safe there

ElephantMoth · 04/07/2021 03:41

@StressedlifeZ

No. I won't be taking the day off work because we're massively understaffed in our team and down by 4 members of staff. The court cannot force me to take a day off work.
Your DD is more important, staffing issues is not your problem,
TeddyBeans · 04/07/2021 03:48

As a PP said, the courts are only interested in what's best for your child. I don't see them agreeing that he absolutely must see her on her birthday just because you're at work, especially with your DV situation. Might be worth getting some legal advice

Fupoffyagrasshole · 04/07/2021 04:18

Upsetting her normal routine is unlikely to be granted by the court - that’s not in your daughters best interests!

44PumpLane · 04/07/2021 07:22

@misssunshine4040

SW can't know where you live? They are not going to disclose your address or whereabouts.

Accidents happen and SW have in the past been known to make mistakes. A distant friend of mine had to be emergency rehomed by the council after a SW accidentally let slip enough detail for her abusive ex partner to work out where she was living.

I am also aware of someone whose ex was sent a copy of her address by mistake but I don't know any details so that one I wouldn't bet my life on it.

But I guess what I'm saying is that when you're in fear for your life you can't take any chances and I do understand why you wouldn't want someone from the contact centre or a SW to know your address or your child's school.

Mogloveseggs · 04/07/2021 07:26

Does work know any of your situation? I'd be tempted to get a letter from th stating that you cannot be granted leave in the day-a but like when they can't grant you leave for jury duty?

Mrstamborineman · 04/07/2021 07:28

The court will order in the best interests of the child.
If she is able to communicate what she wants they will consider it. If you interfere to persuade her opinion the court will take a very dim view of you.
A social worker is likely to collect the child and take them for supervised contact. You cannot keep your location secret from them. It will appear you have something to hide and you will play into his hands by obstructing his contact.

Bksjshsbbev2737 · 04/07/2021 07:29

I can’t see them ordering a social worker to do anything; for one thing who would pay for that if you’re in private family proceedings and even if you had a local authority social worker involved that’s not their role.
I don’t think anyone can really predict what a judge or magistrate will decide but hopefully they will see that it’s not in the best interests of your child to do this.

DeathStare · 04/07/2021 07:34

Seriously, take the day off work. Understaffing is so down the list of priorities compared with what is happening with your DD. If shes not spending her birthday with you the Court may well decide she would be better to spend it with her other parent than at nursery.

ikeepseeingit · 04/07/2021 07:43

He’s not going to be going to the nursery because the court will already know that he can’t. I should think you need to be prepared for the possibility of a social worker picking her up and taking her to contact but I also don’t think it’s likely. More likely they’ll tell him he can do the weekend or something. That’s if it even gets through court this quickly. I wouldn’t be saying no to the contact, it will reflect badly on you and it’s supervised so you know she is safe.

Original poster
StressedlifeZ · 04/07/2021 07:43

Er for those telling me I have to tell the social worker where I live. No I don't. And I will not. Our location is confidential through the recommendation of childrens services. A section 47 was initiated and its listed in the report that our location is to remain confidential. So I won't be telling any social worker where I live. At all.

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