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Original poster

What will the Court do re DDs birthday this year..

67 replies

StressedlifeZ · 04/07/2021 00:56

Currently going through family court proceedings.. There's domestic abuse involved.
DDs father only has supervised contact once a month. Last year he requested to see her on her birthday after 6 months of no contact and demanded 50/50 otherwise he'd initiate court proceedings.. Which he then did.
We have a cafcass section 7 being ordered.
DD will spend her birthday at nursery this year as she did last year as they will spoil her and make a fuss of her and there will be a party for her :) I won't be with her on her actual day of her birthday as I'll be at work. She had a lovely birthday celebration at nursery last year and will again this year.
I know he will ask to see her on her actual birthday because he's a controlling b*stard.. He's not allowed near her nursery, he doesn't even know which nursery she goes to and the nursery manager said if he would ever turn up she'd just call the police and she doesn't even care.. Because he's not known to them.
Can the court force me to make her available on her actual birthday if I'm not going to be spending the actual day with her either? It means taking a day off work which I can't do for some time as I'm in a new job.. I'm not prepared to do that for him.
Just wondering where I stand as in knowing what nursery she goes to it then discloses our location, and he doesn't know where we live.. We are going to be moving in a couple of months and he doesn't know that either.

OP posts:
Original poster
StressedlifeZ · 04/07/2021 07:45

I would make a proposal that she spends her actual birthday at nursery with all her friends where she will have a lovely time, the Saturday celebrating with me and if contact is ordered I'll bring her on the Sunday to the contact centre.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 04/07/2021 07:51

There's no way a court will rule that he has to be allowed to see her on her birthday if there's this much protection in place

NoSquirrels · 04/07/2021 07:52

This falls squarely under “cross that bridge when you come to it”. I assume you have legal support- they’ll advocate strongly this is not in your DD’s best interests to disrupt the routine.

If contact on her birthday is granted, then you just need to find a solution, which will either be you taking the time off and work accepting you have to, or a third party taking DD. If that’s not a social worker perhaps a friend or family member you trust can travel to help you out? Or nursery can help you if one of the staff has a day off and agrees to be paid to do so?

Basically, it may never happen but if it does then that’s the time to worry about it. You’ve got enough to think about without adding stress right now.

Pinchoftums · 04/07/2021 07:52

100% agree about NOT telling address or where the nursery is to SS. I've worked with them and had lots of accidental disclosures.
If the worse happens do you have a friend that can take her to contact? Or to the SW at a different location?

GlutenFreeGingerCake · 04/07/2021 07:53

I don't know anything about this but just wanted to say it's so wrong to me that someone so abusive they have restraining orders and are not safe to know your address is allowed contact. I know we have to put the interests of the child first but is it really in their interest to stay in touch with a violent abusive person?

Terhou · 04/07/2021 07:56

I strongly suspect that he won't succeed, but if he did, you would have to make her available somehow.

PotteringAlong · 04/07/2021 08:02

Has he actually gone to court?
Has he asked for contact on her birthday?

Because if he hasn’t then you are getting very cross and het up about something that currently only exists in your head!

You know the phrase “cross that bridge when you come to it”? This is one of those moments.

HmmmmmmInteresting · 04/07/2021 08:03

This country is nuts.

So sorry you're going through this, OP.

HunkyPunk · 04/07/2021 08:14

'Cross that bridge...' is all very well in some cases, but not when the safety of you and your child is concerned. I would think 'Be prepared...' is more appropriate. Especially when dealing with people whose decisions wouldn't always apoear to be in the best interests of the child.

NumberTheory · 04/07/2021 08:16

The court could ask you to make her available.

But they won’t. At least, not if you can back up what you’ve said here. The court won’t jeopardize your employment to give your DH the day with your daughter. It’s not in her bestnterests.

INeedNewShoes · 04/07/2021 08:20

To the posters saying the DD shouldn't have to go to nursery on her birthday, I actively chose for my DD to be at nursery on her birthday. In these Covid times it's the only way to have a birthday party with a few other children within the rules. The staff make a huge fuss of the birthday girl/boy, sing Happy Birthday, have cake, play games etc. The kids absolutely love it.

So sorry you're going through this OP.

Brown76 · 04/07/2021 08:26

How is in the child’s best interests to spend her birthday in a contact centre? What if she we’re at school, is she supposed to be pulled out of school for the day?

KateTheEighth · 04/07/2021 08:27

@girlmom21

There's no way a court will rule that he has to be allowed to see her on her birthday if there's this much protection in place

Absolutely agree with this

I'm also surprised that so many people think sending a child to nursery on their birthday is somehow second best. The child gets to have an all day party with her friends and nursery staff and time with her mum before and after nursery. That's a win win surely?

BlackCherryCandle · 04/07/2021 08:28

My DD has to spend part of the day with her dad on her birthday court ordered, there was also DV. She's at school now (year 2 almost year 3) and spent this year before school with ExH. Last year I had her before school and him after.

C8H10N4O2 · 04/07/2021 08:33

This country is nuts

The family court system certainly is. The religious attachment to contact always being in the best interest of the child and they way it allows abusers to use the court system as a tool of abuse is shocking.

The fact that reporting is so restrictive makes it easy for abusers to get away with it.

Xenia · 04/07/2021 08:36

Don't assume the courts will remember or see anything. I don't mean they are useless but admin can be bad. Eg I always email and send court papers in advance and even then bring a spare set to a hearing as time after time all those expensive carefully pt together papers have not ended up with the judge. So say the relevant things again and again and again - short bullet point list may be enough - I am in a new job, working that day and cannot take time off. No one is to know our address. I cannot make child available for contact on birthday and then say how she enjoyed it the year before at nursery.

I have never understood this exact birthday thing - we would just have a party at the nearest weekend like most working parents once the children were school age. He is just trying to control you all for insisting a mid week birthday visit.

Also if you are opposing all contact because he might kill the child then make that your first point. We do not want the court to think it is some big compromise to all Mr violent to see the child on Sarturday not mid week. Also he might be able to persuade the child to give enough clues about where the child lives.

daisypond · 04/07/2021 08:38

What world do people live in where they can just “take the day off work”? Leave surely is normally booked weeks, if not months, in advance. And in this case, it’s clearly better for the child to be at nursery having a fun day there. People don’t take their children out of school because it’s their birthday.

Drivingmeupthewall · 04/07/2021 08:39

@DeathStare

Seriously, take the day off work. Understaffing is so down the list of priorities compared with what is happening with your DD. If shes not spending her birthday with you the Court may well decide she would be better to spend it with her other parent than at nursery.
You think her daily routine being totally disrupted is in the best interests of a little girl whose father is currently allowed one day per month of supervised contact because he’s threatened to kill her mother so many times? Are you always such an enabler of poor men? Confused
KingdomScrolls · 04/07/2021 08:43

OP I've worked many cases like this, given the risk of harm he poses and that this is under child protection not CIN, the non disclosure of address in the order (unusual unless considered very risky) and you are doing all you can to safeguard, I really wouldn't imagine this will be an issue. If he asks you just tell the social worker I'm really sorry I can't facilitate that I'm not able to get the time off of work, I can facilitate the contact centre the weekend before or after her birthday. You remain the reasonable party and if he gets angry with the social worker it further evidences his volatility and risk of serious harm.

godmum56 · 04/07/2021 08:44

There is also the argument thatvit will be difficult to insist on that day off at work without explaining why which may (even a little) add to the risk to mother and child

ZoBo123 · 04/07/2021 08:47

What days of the week is your current contact? Do you take leave to facilitate that? If you work a Monday to Friday week and contact is only at the weekends I cannot see how the court can force you to take time off work. If you work shifts and have days off in the week, is it always the same days?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 04/07/2021 08:47

OP I know what it’s like to be so stressed and drive your head in circles

The likelihood of this being enforced is low
Despite what people say

You are not being a bad mother, she won’t suffer

If , unlikely , push comes to shove you get a work letter . There is no harm in your line manger knowing this is going on

You’ve done so well 💪💪👍

Don’t let this stress worry overtake you

diddl · 04/07/2021 08:49

@HmmmmmmInteresting

This country is nuts.

So sorry you're going through this, OP.

Absolutely!

Why this man is able to see his child at all is beyond me.

Lots of kids are at school on birthdays-would they be taken out for that when contact can happen on another day?

DeathStare · 04/07/2021 08:49

Wow. Just wow.

I'm not suggesting she hands her DD over for contact. Quite the contrary. The family court often orders the resident parent make the child available for contact with the non-resident parent on their birthday, if the resident parent doesn't have water-tight plans with them themselves. Even in cases with poor contact and violence (both actual and threatened). The Court almost always sees the parent's "right" to see the child as being more important than the child spending the day in nursery.

I'm not advocating for the system - it's awful. But it is unfortunately the system the OP is working with.

In these circumstances yes the family court may well order contact for her DD on her birthday (even though many us will think that's abhorrent). The best way to avoid this would be for the OP to take the day off work and have water-tight pre-booked plans in place (eg zoo tickets, etc). The Court is much less likely to say that the child's birthday plans with mum should be cancelled than they are to say that the child should be taken out of nursery to spend the day with dad.

Sally872 · 04/07/2021 08:51

Seriously, take the day off work. Understaffing is so down the list of priorities compared with what is happening with your DD. If shes not spending her birthday with you the Court may well decide she would be better to spend it with her other parent than at nursery

Roof over head and food on the table are way up the list of priorities over this violent man dictating special days to see dd. Many employees cannot demand a day off. OP has said it is not possible so I assume that to be true.