To feel worried my children will miss out because I am not in with the school mums

[Barnybrown]

I have two children aged 5 and 7. They both go to the infant school in our village. I work in a demanding job- usually 3 days a week but over lockdown full time because my husband was furloughed. I get on with some school mums and do arrange play dates for my kids - but they often aren’t reciprocated and I haven’t really clicked with any of the mums. They are nice enough and one or two are fun and we meet up - but I don’t feel part of the crowd. I feel a bit like I did at school - not in the cool gang! And I worry I am letting my kids down and their friendships will suffer because I am not as pally as some of the mums are. Does anyone else feel like this ?

My children weren't invited to a single birthday or a playdate because I don't really know any of the mums due to work. So yes, chances are that it will impact your children if you don't make an effort.

no

they will make their own friends.

I was really good friends with one of my kids' parents, but when the kids moved to high school my son started making new friends which they got upset about and they stopped being friends with me🙄

I guess I learnt my lesson.
I'm not even trying anymore.
I'm friendly and I have "help-ships" with some mums but not investing in friendship.

kids need to take their own paths

Cliques are all very well, until something happens. Been there, done that, although I wasn't in either the PTA one or village one. It's much nicer keeping on the sidelines, being polite and friendly, but not oversharing.

15 years on, we're still friends with the family of our DD1's best friend at primary school, even though mum was chair of the PTA and in the village clique too. Funnily enough, none of those other clique mums are in contact with her now, but we meet up for lunch or coffee regularly.

OP you are doing fine!

You have years to go.
I have gone through 4 lots of this and stayed well away from any cliques.
Be polite, kind and friendly.
Do not get over involved.
Encourage your children to mix well.

One thing I was always asking was who were the nicest/kindest children in the class and I always encouraged playdates at ours.
Sometimes parents worked FT and we did more playdates but I focused on including the nice children in their circle.

Nice children tend to have nice parents in my experience.

If you remain friendly to everyone the ebbs and flows of relationships over the years won't bother you.

All of mine have kept a few great friends from primary and actually incorporated them in to their secondary school friendship wider group.

Cliques often involve drama, so avoid.

@Sometimeswinning

" was never In with the school mums, it would have been highly tedious to do so. The constant babble of nothingness at the school gates.used to drive me up the wall."

Nice! People think the mums cliques are the mean ones. It's the ones who think like this you've got to steer clear from!

I don't think anyone said that anyone outside the clique are saints, did they?

I think a lot depends on your DC's personality. Some children are naturally confident and socially adept - they will make friends in any situation, and it will not matter whether you are in a position to support their friendships outside of school.

Other children have more trouble forming secure friendships and really benefit from arranged playdates and other activities that can strengthen their relationships. And truthfully I think those parent friendship groups/cliques do provide extra social opportunities in this sense. I don't think it matters whether the children's friendships endure forever - by the time they move apart they have gained social skills that will strengthen their future friendships, and have had the security of a community in which to develop these skills.

But it sounds like you are doing plenty OP - if you are meeting up with 3 other parents and children. I just tell DS that "Teatime Club" is a playdate, and he is lucky to go there after school instead of going to the park

OP, you're doing more and are more involved than most school mums. Many don't even talk to anyone else so you're doing very well.

Please don't worry about it too much or feel that your children are missing out because the likelihood is that they are not.

I've always been a full time working mum who had wraparound care and was hardly ever at school (and when I was people barely spoke to me!) It really bothered me with my first child as he didn't seem to get invited to many parties. I made a lot of effort to have whole class parties and invite friends for play dates. That did help a bit but it was a huge effort and I actually hated having other kids in the house after a shattering week at work.

I had a 9-10 year gap before my second child and that time round I made NO effort at all. Despite this she has had loads of party and play date invitations (until covid).

It has dawned on me that they were just very different children. My son has (not diagnosed until teens) ASD and ADHD which hampered how he socialised. He was actually quite happy; it was me who was bothered! He "found his tribe" eventually some way into secondary school.

My daughter is neurotypical, very confident and popular. She could make friends in an empty room! My being absent from the playground has had no effect on that whatsoever.

I'm not longer bothered about playdates. Wraparound care and weekend ballet and swimming lessons and trips to the park provide lots of exposure to other children. She is free to build friendships without me sticking my oar in!

I work FT but when DD started school I decided to compress my hours over 4 days so that I could do the school run and host after-school playdates on a Friday. It means Monday to Thursday are long, tiring days and if i'm honest having other people's DC in the house at the end of a hectic week is the last thing I feel like doing but it really helped with forming friendships in Reception and Year 1. I wouldn't say I am good friends with any of the Mum's, but I'm friendly and polite to them all when I see them. I get on well with the mum's of DD's two closest friends but we all work FT in jobs that are pretty full on, so have neither the time or inclination to meet up regularly. Me not socialising with school mum's doesn't seem to have impacted on DD's friendships, she has been to plenty of parties and playdates.

Is your DH still furloughed? If so can't he worry about this? Presumably he's the one at the school gate. My dh wfh so he does the school run more frequently than me and knows the other parents better than me, our dd still gets invited to stuff