To feel worried my children will miss out because I am not in with the school mums

[Barnybrown]

I have two children aged 5 and 7. They both go to the infant school in our village. I work in a demanding job- usually 3 days a week but over lockdown full time because my husband was furloughed. I get on with some school mums and do arrange play dates for my kids - but they often aren’t reciprocated and I haven’t really clicked with any of the mums. They are nice enough and one or two are fun and we meet up - but I don’t feel part of the crowd. I feel a bit like I did at school - not in the cool gang! And I worry I am letting my kids down and their friendships will suffer because I am not as pally as some of the mums are. Does anyone else feel like this ?

That's tough OP.

I'm surprised it's happened to you in a village. Since having dc we've lived in 2 villages and they've attended 2 village schools. In both cases everyone's been very friendly and welcoming. I've always worked, admittedly pt when they were small, and have still felt included. Also, I've become friends with lots of the other parents through village activities as well as through the school.

Is the village as a whole unfriendly?

I’ve always done the bare minimum unless I genuinely like the other parent. I’m not going to form fake friendships so I can be in the cool group.

It doesn’t seem to have impacted my kids. DD has a large circle of friends at secondary school, plus other friends from sport, dance and old preschool and primary school friends that’s she’s kept in touch with. DS seems to know half the suburb thanks to football and cricket. Meanwhile my SIL is right in with the clique, going on holidays with them multiple times a year. But according to my nieces most of the kids (now teens) don’t even like each other any more. There is so much bitchiness and competition between them but they are forced to spend time together because their mums won’t let go of the “gang”.

Don't worry about it. They won't miss out and will make close friends.
There'll be others like you who avoid the clique.
However if you want to find a way in bribery is your friend, its sad I know.
None of the parents talked to me on DC2 he has ASD and didn't try to make friends.
The DC didn't like him the parents didn't like me.
This is probably outing on the 2nd Yr I bought santa party bags filled for everyone in the class it worked. Sadly it worked on the pathetic parents too who would now wave.
I'd smile back thinking go fuck yourself. 😀

"How are we supposed to invite their friends over if we don't speak to their parents?"

The working parents in my class often send a little note to the parents of the child they'd like to invite.

I've also been asked to ask a parent if I can let another parent have their phone number so that an invitation can be extended.

OP, by Y7 the kids would rather die of embarrassment than have their mum arrange their social lives. At 11, the kids are making their own friendships and their own arrangements. The friendships cultivated by their parents at primary school often fall away.

I was never In with the school mums, it would have been highly tedious to do so. The constant babble of nothingness at the school gates.used to drive me up the wall. It never affected my children at all, in fact they probably didn't notice anything as such.

I’m a full time teacher and my children are and always have been in wraparound care since starting school. I never see any parents , apart from the ones like me who race them in and out! It’s never stopped them from having friends. My children actually have a wide circle of friends as they do so much extra curricular out of school. They don’t have play dates though but that doesn’t bother me as the thought of hosting one myself makes me feel ill. I spend all day with children - I don’t want my house full of them in my down time!

Interesting what you said @Remaker. I often wonder what happens to mum cliques once the children leave primary school - or if the children drift apart.

My opinion is that it doesn't.

My kids are 10 and 17. The 17 year old has a wonderful group of friends.

I actually think the 'clinque' kids are often held back by their mothers clique.

Now it's only my experience, but the mothers who formed cliques and became friends are often forcing their kids to be friends outside school. As the kids get older, if they clash but are made to be friends and see eachother outside school it causes loads of issues. Especially, inside school.

And then these kids get to high school and go their separate ways, make more friends, while the parents are still friends and try to organise get together that their teenagers don't want to attend.

My dds year 6 was full of drama from the kids of the popular mums all falling out all the time. My best friends dd is just finishing year 6 and it's the same there.

My friendships, or lack of, with other parents at school never impacted my DC friendships. They had playdates with who they wanted. The mum's I spoke to most weren't necessarily DC friends parents, and I've always worked so often child minder did the school run anyway

Thank you everyone - I feel a lot better having read all your comments ! X

"Interesting what you said @Remaker. I often wonder what happens to mum cliques once the children leave primary school - or if the children drift apart."

Sometimes the mums stay friends and so do their children. Sometimes the mums stay friends but the children drift apart and into new friendships. Sometimes the mums drift apart as their children do. Like any friendship group, they're all different.

" was never In with the school mums, it would have been highly tedious to do so. The constant babble of nothingness at the school gates.used to drive me up the wall."

What every single woman at your child's school was tedious and only capable of babbling nothingness? I don't think that can be true can it?

I don't think that you have anything to worry about OP. Your DC have friends, go to parties and have play dates. And with friends that they have chosen, not you.

I have a group of friends from the school gate (DC now 18 and 21). Our DC have been to big summer and new years eve parties with us as a group but still have their own friends at school.

As an aside it always pisses me off when people talk about mums at school being vacuous and talking nonsense. You clearly haven't a clue. Most of the mums I met at school had well paid professional jobs that they took time out from.

And as for 'all they have in common is DC at the same school' well isn't that the same with everything?

Just happened to go to the same university, work in the same place, live in the same area or like the same music?

Right, I get off my soapbox now!

I couldn't care less about the clique to be honest I would just find the whole thing too much. WhatsApp groups and all that rubbish urgh! Go your own way OP.

To the parents whose children never get invited to things. I'm sad for your kids because I don't think people realise that these children with ASD still have feelings. They might express them differently. I think its important for children to extend the hand of friendship even further to these children. Life is hard we need to get theouh all this as a team.
Humans are not islands.

I have lots of school mum friends hope we aren’t a clique but frankly the difference between a “clique” and a friendship group is never really explained 🙄.

Kids teens now we still socialise adults only some of our kids are genuine friends with each other but most aren’t and have their own tribes and lives. Though as we’ve got to know more mums some have worked out their kids are friends and several naughty teen plans have been uncovered via the mum mafia!

They won't. My mum was head of the PTA and I don't remember fucking anything coming from that. I went to my friends houses sometimes. No magical special treatment.

I have lots of school mum friends hope we aren’t a clique but frankly the difference between a “clique” and a friendship group is never really explained 🙄

Yes!

Why are school mum friends always a ‘clique’? For goodness sake!

I have a lovely group of school Mum friends, our friendship developed slowly from reception as our DC were in the same class. It grew from there. Our DC have gone on to make other friends, but we are all still friends, we have nights out, meet for coffee and yes we do chat in the playground because we’re friends.

But no, clearly we’re in some bitchy, impenetrable clique. 🙄

My friendships based on school are with women I click with who I happened to meet via school (I work in a very dull profession so no fodder for work pals unless I want to be bored to death 😁) not necessarily mothers of kids my kids played with. We now morphed into lots of groups ski/book club/hiking/particular bands etc. Fact we met through kids is irrelevant now older ones turning 16 no play dates for them!

A clique is a group of friends, that generally doesn't want or try to include anyone else.

So, at a kids party you may find women who all know eachother chatting. A mum, that they don't know well comes over to start chatting.

A group of friends, would also chat to the new comer.

A clique, wouldn't make the new comer feel uncomfortable and make it clear they weren't welcome.

A group of mum friends organise a day our for them and their kids. Maybe think about inviting other families of kids, their kids like. Maybe not, but just get on with it, most other people wouldn't know it was a happening

A clique, would make sure everyone knows they are organising a fun day out. But also make it known, it was just for them and their kids. And they would make sure the other kids new and knew they were excluded. Even if their kids would like to bring along a friend, they won't if the parent isn't in their group. They would also do things like post on class Facebook page, with photos of their days out, to show everyone how much fun they had to make sure people knew.

I am a sahm and did a zillion play dates when my children were younger. I would have full class parties, mum coffee mornings the works. I can reassure you it makes no difference! Whatever friends my children made due to my mum friends have fallen away as they have gotten older because even if they like each other they didn’t choose each other and didn’t click together as much as they do with friends they chose themselves. As teens they have banned me from organising things for this reason. It’s much more important your child is confident in themselves than for you to socialise with other mums.

Another 'sounds like you're doing fine, try not to worry' from me.

Also to echo the pp who said that different year groups (of parents and children) have different dynamics and don't worry too much.

I was keen for school gate friends. (I always feel a little bit awful when I read the 'I have enough friends, why would I want to get to know any mums' stuff on here.) We hadn't lived in the area all that long and I'd found it hard to make friends with three toddlers to supervise, so I was very open to the idea of new friendships.

First class, the cohort of parents was never unfriendly, and there weren't any cliques really, but just wasn't very active/sociable. We had a lot of fun organising their Y6 leavers party actually, but that was the exception.

Second class, much more friendly and proactive group of parents, very keen to build relationships with each other. I still see seven or eight of them regularly (and only one from the first class) now the kids have moved on to secondary school.

I think all of my children (two in the second class) had similar experiences in terms of parties/playdates etc. I can only think of one occasion throughout the whole of primary where one of the kids clearly benefited from my friendship with one of the mums. It really does sound to me like you are doing enough and, while I don't think it doesn't matter at all, it doesn't matter as much as you think.

Completely depends on the school as well but really don't worry about it. Our school in London is in a very un-middle class area and lots of the families are struggling financially or are working long hours in low paid jobs. Play dates and expensive parties are not really a thing (because small flats)- sometimes people go to the small park near school but mostly not and the kids all get along fine. A lot of the kids also do a Saturday school in whichever language they speak at home and church on Sundays so not much party time.

I work FT and pre covid did no pickups. I am friendly with a few dads and mums but that's through other things locally like politics or sports and that didn't pick up until year 2.

I'm definitely not of the 'they're all so boring!' school- most people are nice and interesting- but I also don't have enough time to see my existing friends as it is so don't think I've missed out either.

" was never In with the school mums, it would have been highly tedious to do so. The constant babble of nothingness at the school gates.used to drive me up the wall."

Nice! People think the mums cliques are the mean ones. It's the ones who think like this you've got to steer clear from!

@MrsTerryPratchett
This👇🏽
"make the clique. With the outcast parents and the outcast kids".

As a general rule parents want their kids to be happy and encourage friendships with people
They like
Also as kids grow they get a lot clearer on why they like and don’t like

I wouldn’t worry or give it too much headspace OP , these things come out in the wash

This is one downside Of country living