To feel worried my children will miss out because I am not in with the school mums

[Barnybrown]

I have two children aged 5 and 7. They both go to the infant school in our village. I work in a demanding job- usually 3 days a week but over lockdown full time because my husband was furloughed. I get on with some school mums and do arrange play dates for my kids - but they often aren’t reciprocated and I haven’t really clicked with any of the mums. They are nice enough and one or two are fun and we meet up - but I don’t feel part of the crowd. I feel a bit like I did at school - not in the cool gang! And I worry I am letting my kids down and their friendships will suffer because I am not as pally as some of the mums are. Does anyone else feel like this ?

Well you meet up with them? That’s more than me! I have autistic kids so we never get invited to anything, no play dates or parties 🤷‍♀️

I totally identify with this.
It does mean you have to work a bit harder so your children have the best chance of friendships even if you aren't particularly interested in pursuing friendship with the mums.

Really sorry to hear that Pumpkin - that must be tough in so many different ways x

I have never done a school run, as a full-time teacher I am just never there. DH does twice a week and my Mum the other three. Neither are in with the school mums!

It hasn’t held our DS back in terms of friendship. He is in year 2 and does have play dates etc.

OP - the other parents are probably looking at you and thinking you are the "cool one".

Don't let history repeat itself - be there for your kids (and their friends when possible) but stop measuring yourself against those who you know nothing about

If you haven't clicked yet - that's really not the end of the world - love the time you have and moment you are in

Things change very quickly too

My daughter had 1 'best friend', the only mom I spoke to, but she left the school 2 years ago. I've never really spoken to any other moms, my daughters happy at school, plays with lots of children but I do feel the same as you!!

You sound like you are making an effort and that you do have some social contact and have put yourself out there. Thats all you can do. So no, you are not letting anyone down.

My first DCs class-we had nights out and whole class parties etc etc. Made some good friends out of it and lots of contacts but dwindles over time. One large group are old school friends who holiday together etc. So that clique is impenetrable. People recognise and are friendly to all grandparents as well as parents.

My second DCs class. None of the mums have ever met up or socialised, some are rude and ignorant. Most are ok. But we have never bonded at all. I found it odd at first but accept it now.

The reason i mentioned it-is that you can only do what is possible with the dynamics of a particular group. Hence my two v diff experiences in the same school.

My kids have never have play dates, I can recall the number of parties they've been invited to (the last party DS2 had was in reception - he hasn't wanted one since), and we've only ever had one friend over for a sleepover to help his mum whose other son had a hospital appointment. They went to after school clubs so I didn't pick up at school and meet the other mums. I find the school plays etc a bit tedious as I don't know anyone but I don't feel like we've missed out on anything.

I'm a teacher and I really do not think it will impact your child's friendships. Every year I watch friendships develop or wane, and it never seems to have anything at all to do with how many play dates their parents arrange.

If you don't care about making a group of 'mum friends' then I really wouldn't worry - your child will still have friends at school to play with.

If you are worried that they won't be invited to things outside school, which is a possibility, then ask the teacher who your child plays with and invite them over on a weekend.

Friendships are mostly made in the classroom, not on playdates, don’t worry your kids are going to be fine. Better off out if any school mum cliques, so many threads on her describe how it all ends up imploding in tears anyway!

You will have 7 years of going up and down the school before high school. There will be plenty of time to develop relationships and feel your kids are included and that you are included. I made my school mum friends in the most unlikely of scenarios. I still avoid certain 'clicky groups'. don't think of what u don't do, think of what u do, its a lot to deal with - stop worrying.

Well OP you do far better than me 😂 I know nobody and am just referred to as "DS' name mum"

DS is one of the most popular children in his class. He's constantly (non covid) invited to parties, sleep overs, play dates.

I just drop off and am polite or of I'm staying I tend to just find a quiet seat in a corner with my book and a cup of tea and keep one eye on DS.

I never thought I was failing him 🤷🏻‍♀️ he does his thing I do mine lol

You don't need school mum friends. Your children will make friends regardless. There is more to life for parents than their children's school. It is not 'cool' at all, I'm sure you have your own friends and your job is demanding.

I never did school runs as was always working my husband did them all. I always did school plays etc and met people then. I did find that most of the sahm's had their only little cliques and I didn't really have a lot in common with them. I made an effort to do play dates etc for the kids sake not mine - I felt that was important for them not me. I wasn't really interested in making friends with the other mums but I think it's important to ask other kids to play and reciprocate. I'd be worried if my children were not being invited, I'd be questioning why and doing something about it

I feel the same as you. I do the school run twice a week as I work. No one ever talks yo me up the school. I'm an older parent though - 49 with a 6 year old so maybe that's why, it makes me sad but I feel it won't change. My daughter seems happy enough

Honestly from my experience, it can really affect the kids. Sorry I'm sure that's not what you want to hear. I'm not 'in' with the mums...all play dates and party invites go to the kids whose mums are friends with the mums...the kids are older now and despite my dd being very popular with lots of friends, she's not invited to their parties because the mum has invited the kid whose mum she likes

Thank you everyone. Both kids have a nice group of friends in school and are popular and happy. They are invited to parties and occasional play dates - although obviously less so recently because of Covid. They do some after school activities and have friends there too. I do have three mums who I like and we meet up with the kids . I think I just have a niggling worry that I am not in the clique and my kids will miss out in some way - I feel this sense of responsibility and anxiety that if I don’t get this right the kids will miss out. Does that make sense ? I think I am probably being neurotic !

If you are friends with some of them and your dc is being invited I wouldn't worry too much

I'm good friends with 3 Mums in my eldest daughters class (year 3) and we regularly meet at the park or local pub garden, I don't know any of the younger daughters parents beyond saying hi on the school run (year 1) and I do feel that she misses out a bit.

Dd1 and the 3 girls who are my friends kids are all really close and I'm sure that's strengthened by the time we all spend together outside school, dd2 seems to flit between friends and although she likes everyone in her class her best friend changes every couple of months depending on who's sitting on her table at school.

I do think it helps your children if you work at your friendships with other parents.

I worked full time so really couldn't fave making the effort but I did and it really paid off.

Just do it. It's only for a few years

@fourminutestosavetheworld

I'm a teacher and I really do not think it will impact your child's friendships. Every year I watch friendships develop or wane, and it never seems to have anything at all to do with how many play dates their parents arrange.

If you don't care about making a group of 'mum friends' then I really wouldn't worry - your child will still have friends at school to play with.

If you are worried that they won't be invited to things outside school, which is a possibility, then ask the teacher who your child plays with and invite them over on a weekend.

How are we supposed to invite their friends over if we don't speak to their parents?

My son is 7. He has several friends, or I assume they are his friends as he mentions them a lot, and says he plays with them, but he is at after school club several nights a week so I'm not on the playground, and those days I do pick him up nobody speaks to me, he didn't join the school in reception and has a few behavioural issues - I feel like the other parents know him as the naughty kid and ignore us because of that.

I don't want my DD to have the same lonely time at secondary that my DD is having.

When my DC were smaller and I was working less for the first 3 I worried about this. There were a lot of group social events organised by a few of the mothers and I went to them all. Lots of trips to the park, picnics, puppet shows etc. I was very enthusiastic and definitely my children had fun.

Now, the oldest are 15, 13 and 9 and their friends are the ones they’ve made themselves. I’m friends (or friendly) with their parents for purposes of sleep overs etc but although everyone in those early years was very nice none of those early friendships have stuck.

My 4th child seems very sociable and popular in spite of me essentially leaving him to it.

To start with, “the cool gang” and their kids will have a whirlwind of social events and kids’ parties and the like but by year 3 or so the children’s own friendships that they’ve made themselves will form. As long as you’re welcoming and friendly to these children yours will be fine.

Hi OP I used to be like you, especially when we changed schools last year I was so eager to form friendships and I have really struggled with trying to connect with anyone, especially with the mums in Yr 1.

It’s taken a lot of hard work to get to a place where I feel ok with the situation. It used to really upset me but the kids are happy and have their friends. They do get invited to parties but play dates are rarely reciprocated.

It is what it is, I’d suggest just go with the flow and try not to worry too much. They won’t feel like they are missing out and sometimes I think it’s best to not form too close friendships with other mums as there can be lots of drama and falling outs.

@Barnybrown

Thank you everyone. Both kids have a nice group of friends in school and are popular and happy. They are invited to parties and occasional play dates - although obviously less so recently because of Covid. They do some after school activities and have friends there too. I do have three mums who I like and we meet up with the kids . I think I just have a niggling worry that I am not in the clique and my kids will miss out in some way - I feel this sense of responsibility and anxiety that if I don’t get this right the kids will miss out. Does that make sense ? I think I am probably being neurotic !

I'm going to sound snippy. DD has SEN and I work and she wasn't invited to one birthday party for the first two years of school. Not one.

I'm ruthless so I threw the best parties in the school. Invited the kids DD said were nice and kind, many of whom also had SEN. Don't envy the clique, make the clique. With the outcast parents and the outcast kids.

The mums in my DD's year are super cliquey and they meet up with their kids, me and mine aren't invited (they slap it all over social media). But do you know what, that's life. They have 5 days a week in school to be with their mates, that's enough. I'm not setting an example by spending my precious days off with a bunch of women I don't know or particularly like. The kids will be fine, but I will not be fine if I have to pretend to have anything in common with a lot of horse bores