Is it just me or are most people just horrible?

[TodayYearsOld]

This opinion is definitely based on personal experiences and I think I've just been pretty unlucky with life and family in general. Having just been triggered by an old cartoon from my childhood, does anyone else find most people they come across really not nice or just selfish/rude?

I think my whole life, there's only been 3 people that have been genuinely nice to me. My parents were vile and abusive, all siblings and relatives the same to the point I no longer have contact with anyone of them. Every single teacher throughout school (except 1) would be nasty to me. I even had one teacher mock my tatty clothing in front of the entire class. I was poor and it was the only clothes I had!

I've been used and treated like a second thought in every friendship I've ever had. I no longer make the effort to keep or make any new friends as a result.

Every job I've ever had has been a pretty toxic environment with bully management and spiteful, immature colleagues. My current job isn't too bad but the same bitchy playground attitudes still exist between staff.

I've been taken advantage of in pretty much every relationship I've had. This is probably mostly my own fault as I've been pretty vulnerable due to never being taught self respect and what a healthy relationship should look like. I've also been sexually assaulted while in a relationship more than once and raped.

Is it me? Do I attract these horrible people? Does anyone else feel like this with other people? All things considered I'd say I've done pretty well for myself as a lone wolf and I'm fairly confident and happy in life now so I guess that's all that matters really. Do nice caring people actually exist in the world or will this be my fate for the rest of my life?

One thing that's possible is that you don;t know how to handle kindness, support and compliments so you quickly shut them down, deflect them or don't let relationships develop where these are their start points.

We are attracted to relationships we are experts in, so if our parents were horrible we became brilliant at accommodating them, being quiet and nice so they don't attack etc, and we don;t want these hard won skills to go to waste so when we encounter someone who we can apply the skills with, we feel a weird, unhealthy sort of confidence in their presence.

What people with abusive pasts need to learn is how to recognise kind, supportive overtures and allow relationships to develop which have these as their basis. That could feel very uncomfortable or even fake. It's essential to stay put during the discomfort until it feels normal and familiar to be treated well.

OP, I just want to say I see you and hear what you are saying. I too have been a victim of abuse. It started in my family home and was continued by teachers, friends, boyfriends, and work colleagues.

I truly believe that if you are a victim of abuse early on, then it follows you around. I suffered from PTSD but as no one around me would acknowledge anything was wrong, I didn’t know I shouldn’t be feeling the way I was.

It opened up a cycle of bad decisions but I was unable to recognise anything was wrong.

I hope you find some good people in your life.

Unpopular opinion but I do think when people who believe everyone in their life is nasty/has a vendetta against them/argues with them, I get to a point where I want to say "maybe it's you". It's very unusual to think so I'll of almost all people. I have the opposite experience, and I didn't have a rosy childhood, I was sexually abused but I generally think most people are very good people and I was just unfortunate to have been in relation to a man who abused me.

@PerciphonePuma is right though. I am sure she didn't mena it as "op you are an arsehole" but that op percieves bad person when they aren't due to the experiences.

It is simply impossible that everyone one meets is nasty bastard. It is absolutely possible to believe they are because of skewed perception. But labelling people nasty and bullies if they are not isn't nice either. So i think some people here attacked that post very much unfairly.

[quote SchrodingersImmigrant]@PerciphonePuma is right though. I am sure she didn't mena it as "op you are an arsehole" but that op percieves bad person when they aren't due to the experiences.

It is simply impossible that everyone one meets is nasty bastard. It is absolutely possible to believe they are because of skewed perception. But labelling people nasty and bullies if they are not isn't nice either. So i think some people here attacked that post very much unfairly.[/quote]
I disagree. In the same way some posters have commented that ‘most people are nice’ and they cannot relate to the OP’s experience, it is similarly possible for other people to encounter (mainly) arseholes in their lifetime. However, victim-blaming, which is essentially what you’re doing, is extremely unhelpful and is just validating the OP’s original comment. It is insulting to say to people who have really difficult lives caused by other people or have been abused that they have a ‘skewed’ perception- no, most people have been horrible to them in their lives and that is their reality.

Being more sensitive to a deliberate lack of respect from others is one aspect, but equally, the type that projects their shame outwards by being dismissive chooses lower status people lacking in confidence.

These levellers don't choose confident people. They deliberately choose people who lack self-esteem.

Wwll and I disagree that it's possible to meet just nasty bastards. It's not victim blaming to say that some of the "there are only bad people" may simply be because someone perceives something differently due to their experiences. Our experiences shape our opinions and how we interact and react to interaction.

Personally, I believe the opposite. That most people are decent, honest and friendly.

I simultaneously believe this but I also believe that a certain type of covert scapegoating narcissist will choose to freeze me out, choose to kick down to me (while kissing up to others).

It's not either /or.

These bad apples may only be 2% of the population but there is a type of target that they're after. Somebody who has their insecurities but deals with them and is confident until somebody tries to tear them down.

it's a very particular resonance. Like magnets.

Whereyouleftit. Absolutely spot on simple explanation of how having a neglectful or abusive childhood leaves you wanting for the rest of your life. I have experienced this first hand despite having lots of people who were very kind.
OP there are ways of overcoming this enormous disadvantage. I hope and pray you'll be able to to that. Show yourself all the kindness and nurture you deserved as a child. Find that people may be arses but your kindness towards yourself can, bit by bit, transform your life.

@Sweetchocolatecandy Well said.
I don't think most people are 100% nasty all of the time, but if you're poor/vulnerable/with low self esteem, or all three (and they often go together) then that often brings out disdain and the bullying side in people, who might be otherwise perfectly nice to those that they consider their equals or highers up.
So if you're one of the confident, high status people, of course your experience will be that most people are nice.

Now that I have more confidence and fit the "middle class" mould, I've noticed a marked difference in how people treat me. It's made me cynical because it shows how differently people treat you depending on whether they perceive you as "lesser" or equal to them, even though you're still the same person inside.

Low self esteem causes people to perceive you as lesser, so I would work on that, OP. Forget about friendships and relationships for now, just work on your own recovery and confidence. You've been through a lot. And don't expect too much of people. Get to a point where you're happy with your life and your own company, the rest will follow

I'm going to start my own thread now on AIBU to ask if people are aware that they're kissing up or kicking down. I'll be torn apart!

Honestly most have these comments have been great and a real eye opener for me so thank you for all the support. You have helped give me the push I've been needing to call up and book myself in for some therapy.

I realise that it's not me that's the problem but it's my problems that draw the wrong attitudes from people. I'm actually looking forward to sorting my head and myself out starting with that call tomorrow.

It sounds as if you're stuck in a bit of a negative feedback loop OP. A lot of your early relationships (including with your parents) were abusive or exploitative and you've learned to think that this is what intimate or significant relationships should be like, so you're subconsciously drawn to this sort of dynamic.

I don't believe most people are basically horrible: I think more people are decent than not, but there are horrible, abusive people like you and they are quite good at identifying people with poor boundaries or people who believe its their lot in life to be treated like this. And after a certain point you will start to "see" horrible behaviour even when its not there.

You do need therapy, OP, if you want to unpick this. You have had a bad start in life, which is not your fault. But you do have to take some responsibility for breaking the cycle and that probably means you need professional help to identify these sorts of dynamics before you become enmeshed in them.

The Shark Cage framework I created can be very helpful for understanding how you may have had more than one experience of abuse in your life and not be to blame for any of it. If you go to my website you will find my original article, an animation expelling The Shark Cage framework and how it relates to human rights www.thesharkcage.com You can also by the self help book I wrote How to Spot a Shark - 5 steps for healing from abusive relationships on Amazon. I hope some of these concepts and resources might help some women here.
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