Is it just me or are most people just horrible?

[TodayYearsOld]

This opinion is definitely based on personal experiences and I think I've just been pretty unlucky with life and family in general. Having just been triggered by an old cartoon from my childhood, does anyone else find most people they come across really not nice or just selfish/rude?

I think my whole life, there's only been 3 people that have been genuinely nice to me. My parents were vile and abusive, all siblings and relatives the same to the point I no longer have contact with anyone of them. Every single teacher throughout school (except 1) would be nasty to me. I even had one teacher mock my tatty clothing in front of the entire class. I was poor and it was the only clothes I had!

I've been used and treated like a second thought in every friendship I've ever had. I no longer make the effort to keep or make any new friends as a result.

Every job I've ever had has been a pretty toxic environment with bully management and spiteful, immature colleagues. My current job isn't too bad but the same bitchy playground attitudes still exist between staff.

I've been taken advantage of in pretty much every relationship I've had. This is probably mostly my own fault as I've been pretty vulnerable due to never being taught self respect and what a healthy relationship should look like. I've also been sexually assaulted while in a relationship more than once and raped.

Is it me? Do I attract these horrible people? Does anyone else feel like this with other people? All things considered I'd say I've done pretty well for myself as a lone wolf and I'm fairly confident and happy in life now so I guess that's all that matters really. Do nice caring people actually exist in the world or will this be my fate for the rest of my life?

I agree with the above. People will treat you the lowest you allow them to. When I have stronger boundaries and don't accept others BS you tend to find that you are treated better. However, to me that suggests that if people can get away with treating you poorly then they will. I had a time where I was really vulnerable and it showed me that even if you're strong people will take advantage if they see weakness

Bullies, scapegoaters, users, takers and levellers don't pull their stunts on confident assertive types.

I hope the people typing "not my experience" understand that!

90% of people wouldn't want to get their way through these manipulative methods, but there is a proportion who identify that you're conflict averse and notice how accommodating you are, and they just think yup, the natural order. They will still be super respectful to the types who can type that they never been bullied or excluded.

@blackcat86

I agree with the above. People will treat you the lowest you allow them to. When I have stronger boundaries and don't accept others BS you tend to find that you are treated better. However, to me that suggests that if people can get away with treating you poorly then they will. I had a time where I was really vulnerable and it showed me that even if you're strong people will take advantage if they see weakness

It's really tricky to get it right. I leave it too late. A woman in a group im in was love bombing all around us and being very cold to me. When she musrepresented my views to portray me as naive in contrast to her own wise foresight, i called her out on it politely (a boundary!) and she has given me the silent treatment now for over a year. Im surprised she is not embarrassed! But she sees things in a v black and white way. Im the enemy 😲

People are a mix of good and bad and you've been very unfortunate OP. Feeling unwanted by your parents gave you a bad start but please don't let this colour your entire life. I think when you're unhappy you focus on the bad experiences.

It's comforting to know that I'm not alone in the way I feel. It's also reassuring to know that not everyone has had such a rubbish experience and that nice people do exist.

I've not had therapy but I've known for a long time that I've needed it. I've taken out private medical insurance for this exact reason. I just need to work up the courage to call them. I have heart palpitations every time I try and call as I'm scared they won't believe my story (it's pretty extreme) but it's something I'm working on.

Looking back I can see that I've been very very nieve throughout life due to not having any parental guidance and this has contributed to all those bad experiences. I was also very much a product of my environment and I didn't realise how toxic these people/relationships were until I cut them all off and left them behind.

The shark cage metaphor is very interesting. I understand that my childhood is mostly to blame for how my life has panned out and it really hurts to think about how different things could have been had I had any positive influences.

I have no idea how I managed to scrape myself out of the hole I was born into but I life a relatively normal life now to the point I am suffering with imposter syndrome. I just wish I had people or family, even one person that I could have a close bond with. Just for the support that I've always longed for. I'm too afraid to even attempt any relationships or new friendships because I don't think I'd cope with anymore hurt.

@3scape

people are awful. I've had the teachers and students mocking my appearance and clothes when my parents wouldn't replace them. There are very very very few people who wouldn't kick you in the face if they thought they could get away with it. Nice people are generally after something.

What a sad post

It's so not true,the vast majority of people are perfectly nice and with no ulterior motive

I'm sorry your life has been such that you don't realize that.

I have experienced the opposite tbh.

@FredAstairesChair

I do believe that once we've experienced abuse we're vulnerable and other abusive or damaged/damaging people can sense it so we attract more abuse.

You note that you recognise this in yourself
Have you had therapy?

I agree with this. I figured out through counseling that I attract people who I feel I need to fix and hence people who take the absolute piss

I dunno, but think everyone is flawed & if you're on the lookout for flaws & and especially if you're the type who likes to 'test' people ) then, speaking for myself, I'll prove you right every time. I can be forgetful & say some thoughtless things on occasion.

But if I accept as a fact that ALL people can be selfish and silly, and generally they go round in circles making the same mistakes & moaning about them, then after that people are generally good fun, want to do what they can to help and want to be friends.

tldr: people aren't good or evil.

Take heart OP, lots of us have been there.
Never too late to start again. We all have the capacity to learn new behaviours and coping strategies which can completely change how we see ourselves and interact with others.
It should be you first from now on. Do whatever it takes to help you move on from all the pain you've experienced & perhaps relationships will come later.
I had therapy in my early 30's and I felt sick with nerves about it before it all started but it was actually brilliant.
Life isn't static, you don't have to keep finding yourself in the same kinds of toxic relationships - the fact you're here talking about it and are arranging therapy is a great step forward!
Good luck! x

I think the majority of people are generally good, BUT I think people that are vulnerable attract bullies.

@3scape sorry you've had similar poor experiences In all honesty I found teachers to be the worst! I was always treated like 'that problem child' and openly judged because of how my parents acted. Actively excluded from activities and rewarding events. What kind of person thinks it's acceptable to slate a 9 year old's "hideous tatty" clothes in front of the entire class?
I was constantly told I was stupid and wouldn't amount to anything by numerous different teachers. The truth was I had spent my entire childhood in survival mode, I was so hungry that I could barely focus on anything and seriously struggled to retain any information. I always noticed that I was way behind my peers but I could never understand why as I really tried my best every day.

Hopefully things are different now that child safeguarding has improved over the years.

@claralara42

In all honesty I think you see what you want to see. Because of your background you see everything in a negative light.

It's just not at all likely, in fact practically impossible, that every teacher you ever had was a horrible person, and that every job you've ever had, everyone single one of them was horrible, and everyone you've ever met is horrible. People are on the whole, perfectly nice, and friendly. You are probably drawn to bad people in relationships, but its just not likely to be the case that eveyrone you've ever met is a terrible person. It's how you see them, but that doesn't mean that's how they are.

I sadly have to agree.

It is sometimes that our experience doesn't only shaoe us, bit also how we perceive everything.

Yep. Abused by a parent (luckily just one), bullied at school, bullied at work.
But I have found some fairly nice people too!

I’m really sorry to hear that you’ve been treated like this OP
I can relate, I seem to really bring out the nastiness in some people, probably because I’m autistic - I’ve been bullied a lot, sexually harassed, excluded and rejected from things, treated as though there’s something viscerally repulsive about me.
I’ve met some unfailingly kind people, and some perpetually horrible ones, but I think most people have the capacity to be nice or nasty depending on which behaviour best serves their interests at a given moment. Being nice to someone who presents no social climbing opportunities etc = not worth it to a lot of people, unfortunately.

Being nice to someone who presents no social climbing opportunities etc = not worth it to a lot of people, unfortunately.

Yes, that’s so true.
When people find out i’m just a carer, they realise i’m no use to them.

I felt the same OP but my DP changed that around for me x

1. Nice people do exist.
2. You have been very unlucky. Toxic families can beget a lot more toxic individuals so the chances of being around other horrible users is much higher.
3. You may be repeating patterns you learned early in your life in your current relationships so counselling may be helpful to you.
4. Even good relationships between nice people can go wrong if you bring in some dysfunctional attitudes so working on what you convey to others is really important.

You should be really proud of yourself that you can see this pattern and feel that you can do something about it. History never has to be our destiny. Good luck.

Generally people are good/ nice/ kind/ decent.
I would definitely recommend therapy.
You can explore the past and present and look to a future where you can feel differently and maybe draw different towards you.

In my experience a small proportion of people are nasty and will put you down and take advantage, a small proportion of people will put themselves out and go to a great deal of effort to help others and about 80% of people aren't actively nasty and will be kind to the extent that it doesn't cost them more time money or effort than they are prepared to give. Many people are a mix of strenths and weaknesses. Nice people can be mean if they get into a temper and grumpy people can be kind if they identify with your feelings.I am sorry that you have had so many negative experiences. I am a bit shocked that all your teachers piled on when you were having a hard time at home.

People have various perspectives and different agendas, e.g. A good friend , or a loving partner or an intelligence agent ect, human psychology and behaviour, is quite a large jigsaw.

It sounds like you've had a rough experience but I've always found most people to be nice. Unfortunately the few who aren't make a disproportionate impact on you/ your memory.

@PerciphonePuma I do often think it must be me. I think surely not everyone can be this nasty for no reason. I don't know what I can do to change this though.

I think a kind of mob mentality can be present in places like school and work, and the old adage 'safety in numbers' is at play.
No one wants to be on the outside of the group, so they join in the pushing out of someone else, so they're not the ones pushed.
If one or two people note a weakness in someone, and exploit it, because that's their nature, others may well follow suit to stop themselves being exploited in the same way, and before you know it you are exploited by everyone in that group, and rarely can you come back from that as you are then labelled difficult.
I think a repeated pattern of that leads the person on the recieving end to expect and even prepare for that in any given situation as they don't have any other experience (shark cage metaphor) and have maybe found that by trying to not be that person, they are ostracised more, at least at first.

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