Is it just me or are most people just horrible?

[TodayYearsOld]

This opinion is definitely based on personal experiences and I think I've just been pretty unlucky with life and family in general. Having just been triggered by an old cartoon from my childhood, does anyone else find most people they come across really not nice or just selfish/rude?

I think my whole life, there's only been 3 people that have been genuinely nice to me. My parents were vile and abusive, all siblings and relatives the same to the point I no longer have contact with anyone of them. Every single teacher throughout school (except 1) would be nasty to me. I even had one teacher mock my tatty clothing in front of the entire class. I was poor and it was the only clothes I had!

I've been used and treated like a second thought in every friendship I've ever had. I no longer make the effort to keep or make any new friends as a result.

Every job I've ever had has been a pretty toxic environment with bully management and spiteful, immature colleagues. My current job isn't too bad but the same bitchy playground attitudes still exist between staff.

I've been taken advantage of in pretty much every relationship I've had. This is probably mostly my own fault as I've been pretty vulnerable due to never being taught self respect and what a healthy relationship should look like. I've also been sexually assaulted while in a relationship more than once and raped.

Is it me? Do I attract these horrible people? Does anyone else feel like this with other people? All things considered I'd say I've done pretty well for myself as a lone wolf and I'm fairly confident and happy in life now so I guess that's all that matters really. Do nice caring people actually exist in the world or will this be my fate for the rest of my life?

I think it would be good for you to join up with some people who are volunteering and helping vulnerable people - or animals - in some way. There you would experience the kindness in action which food banks and litter clean ups, etc, deliver. I think you'd feel good to experience an atmosphere that is genuine and wholesome: a practical, being-kind atmosphere, which isn't sentimental and based on demeanour and a superficial projected warmth.

I suppose the problem with people's social interactions is that they are not just about being friendly, but are also based on judging: ' do I want this person in my world on a regular basis?'. ' Have I got time to talk to this person in depth?'. It's good to avoid all that and just look for goodness in it's most direct form, a little organisation which wants to give to those who have little, and which welcomes helpers. Cut out the insincerity and games, and just get in with some goodhearted folk, and volunteer your time to do what they do.

Do you give people a chance to be neutral then nice to you?

It's very easy to expect the worst of everybody when you've such a history - and some of us can tell that, so back away because we don't fancy being slapped back or treated as though we're predators when we're not.

@imaginethemdragons

Today shit girl! I want to make you my friend so that I can show you what friendship SHOULD be like, how decent, nice, kind people treat other people.

You’ve had it bad. Sounds like you have been surrounded by cunts.
If you were in my friendship group sweetie, you would be protected, loved and looked after, honesty you would.

@imaginethemdragons exactly this!

This is so sad :( I’m really intrigued by the comments about teachers. Are these recent experiences? What kind of thing did they say? I’m a teacher and I like to think of myself as firm but fair. I try and apply the rules fairly to everyone. I’d never ever ever say anything about a student’s appearance or anything personal, but do call students out on being late, not having homework etc (but apply this to all students). I wonder if particularly vulnerable students might take this to heart and feel they’re being picked on, whereas more resilient students would brush it off? Of course I don’t know the personal backgrounds of each student so that’s why I try and apply the same rules to all unless I’ve been made specifically aware of a student going through something and then I would deal with it differently.

At almost 51, and having worked in nursing and customer service of some sort all of my life, I have met some proper actual wankers. But I still refuse to believe that they're the majority. I personally think that about 80% of people are good.

I will say though, that since the halcyon days at the beginning of covid, where everyone seemed to try harder and be kinder... People have actually got worse.

@NeverDropYourMoonCup when I was in the midst of all the toxic people/relationships, I was very negative and angry/guarded so back then I definitely wouldn't have given people a chance.

For a good few years I've been focusing on being a positive person and trying to put all the drama behind me. I do still find people to be quite rude etc but I try and let it go over my head now and move on. It can be quite disheartening though.

@imaginethemdragons Thank you!

I promise you OP that there are nice, good and decent people out there, you have been very unlucky both with your family and the people that you've formed friendships and relationships with.

What I would say though is that yes, a lot of people are rude, selfish arseholes as well. There are too many people like that out there and it's shit. I have found that as I'm getting older the more of these shitheads I encounter in life the more grumpy, defensive and impatient I am becoming myself, which only really makes it all worse. I have to stop myself sometimes, tell myself not to be like that, and to be the person I really am inside, and be less angry.

Take pride in the fact that you are a good and lovely person - you really should give yourself credit for that. You have been through some really awful treatment from others, but by continuing to be a decent and lovely person you are turning the tables and making the world a better place just by being in it.

As for friends, I do think it's often just luck who we meet in life, it is down to chance, and you have been unlucky, but there is every chance that good and genuine friends await you and you are just yet to meet them. There are lots of really good people out there, including many who would be perfect friends for you. Hopefully one day you will cross paths.

I find most people are nice, even if they're not on my personal wavelength. But I'm not a people pleaser (don't like them) and I am really OK with not being liked by everybody. So I don't really tend to find myself around people who don't like me for me.

In the kindest way possible, have you not ever thought that given you believe that almost everyone you've encountered has been horrible to you, that perhaps the issue lies with you, not all of them?

Yup. I'm sure you know the story about the man at the city gates who, when asked by travellers what the people there are like, always responds, "The same as they were at your city"...

Actively excluded from activities and rewarding events. What kind of person thinks it's acceptable to slate a 9 year old's "hideous tatty" clothes in front of the entire class? I was constantly told I was stupid and wouldn't amount to anything by numerous different teachers.

See, this is obviously awful and you have my huge sympathy, but the other people you meet in your life aren't answerable for it.

@Peaplant20 I like to think there's more understanding of 'problem children' from when I went to school in the 90's.

My parents were often rude to teachers for no reason and I felt the teachers took a dislike to be because of this.

Early years I was encouraged to bully other children by my parents and I was so desperate for approval that I would. Obviously any teacher wouldn't allow this behaviour so I was punished accordingly. The usual being left out of fun activities, put in isolation etc but in my eyes I was doing what I was told so couldn't understand why I was being punished.

I got a little older and realised that bullying was wrong so put a stop to it. Went through a pretty rough patch at home involving drugs and multiple school moves. At the new school I was treated like a dirty nobody. This is when I was shamed for my clothes. I was elected as class president by a class vote and was told I wasn't allowed to do it as I wouldn't be able to cope with the pressure. I was told the teacher wouldn't even attempt to read my written stories as my spelling was appalling. Loads of unprovoked snide comment's daily. I wasn't allowed to finish class tests because I took so long and everyone else was waiting impatiently. Left out of pancake day, school shows, special guests, you name it. I remember I fainted one time because I hadn't eat for days and I was told to stop messing around and get up. So many more incidents that I'd be here all night listing them.

High school wasn't much better but there was less bullying from teachers and more bullying from pupils. I did have one amazing Music teacher and I owe a lot of who I am today to him. Without him I probably would not have survived. He didn't really do anything special, just a decent positive role model. Fairly young himself, probably early 20's and new to the profession. He was the first person in my life to treat me like an actual human.

It depends what you expect of them but, no, most people are not nasty. They're mostly nice. Disinterested at worst.

But it does depend on how you treat them and on your attitude towards them. People you meet as an adult aren't accountable for things that happened to you before they met you.

Give people a chance to be neither nice nor nasty first.

please read/google/even think about/the book called bruce perry (and oprah) "what happened to you"
i can't even begin to explain it but it's brain and experiences and cortex and totally negates every other helpful book i read previously (and i had read a LOT of self helpy books. but this one takes it all back to the baseline and it's something i wish i'd read 30+ years ago. i probably wouldn't have read much since tbh.

I think there are a certain amount of arseholes in any given situation but how numerous you perceive them to be depends on your state of mind. Unless you're in the house of Commons or similar where the place is entirely populated by them ofc.

When I say state of mind I think that has different layers to it, from situations that are early and prolonged - formative experiences? - to shorter term situations like a particular job, to more fleeting encounters. All are capable of setting you a bit off beam and only taking notice of things that perpetuate a negative mindset.

Your parents didn't give you a good base to view the world from. At the point when they were the absolute key figures in demonstrating how human interaction works, they showed you that it works badly.

That isn't the case, not always, but I can see how you would think so given your upbringing.

I'm really sorry for that op and I hope you can find support to work your way through it and see all the decent people who I promise arr around you, yes even right now, but who are not visible to you.

@TodayYearsOld I’m so sorry to hear that. I bet the music teacher would be so happy to know that he made such a difference to you. Hopefully it’s comforting for you to know that this sort of thing is extremely rare nowadays (I would like to say it would never happen but you do still hear of cases where things were missed). Teachers go through thorough safeguarding training so things like ‘Tatty clothes’ and fainting would likely be flagged by multiple teachers and staff the first time it happened now. Obviously there are free school meals but also stocks of food are also always on hand like cereal, cereal bars etc (and breakfast clubs now exist) to give students who really need it too to keep them going. I’ve had students tell me they were hungry before and I always flag it to our safeguarding team even though the vast majority of the time it’s not a safeguarding concern. Teachers are trained now to be more encouraging in their attitudes too so I’d like to think the comments you got about spelling etc wouldn’t happen now. And we also have counsellors at schools, as well as pastoral teams which didn’t exist when I was at school in the 90s/00s. I hope you’ve been able to move past all that now.

OP, your childhood sounds heart breaking and you sound broken by it.
I really think you need some therapy to help you put yourself back together. Is it possibly you could afford private counselling? NHS support is quite limited, I believe.

I think you need to know that how people treat you is very much down to them and your family have been awful and others have also let you down. Please know this is not your fault and know that there are good people in this world who will want to help and befriend you.

[quote TodayYearsOld]@NeverDropYourMoonCup when I was in the midst of all the toxic people/relationships, I was very negative and angry/guarded so back then I definitely wouldn't have given people a chance.

For a good few years I've been focusing on being a positive person and trying to put all the drama behind me. I do still find people to be quite rude etc but I try and let it go over my head now and move on. It can be quite disheartening though.

@imaginethemdragons Thank you![/quote]
It gets better - I'd never have thought that people would say to me that I always seem so positive, nothing fazes me, upbeat and suchlike. Mainly because it's nonsense, as some people still piss me off from time to time everytime some of them open their mouths - but their attempts to make their issues mine is not my responsibility as long as I'm secure in what I do. Which I am.

You did unkind things initially because you were raised by unkind people. Your unkind behaviour probably led to not being treated as well by others who had seen you behave in that way (and probably having had to dealt with your parents). You were probably also very rude because that was the way you had been brought up to be - untrusting, physically and verbally aggressive, always expecting attack so trying to get the first punch in.

The rest of it, in all honesty, isn't important as an adult. You can change your education level, you can be kind to others because you choose to be better than your parents - you as a child is not you now. You as a victim is not you now. You can use the strength in breaking the behaviour patterns you had been taught in learning how to deal with arseholes without conflict - they're unlikely to hit you, so you don't need to be on guard for that anymore. And let's face it, if you've grown up with aggression and violence, a few bitchy comments directed at you or a hard to please boss is fuck all by comparison.

Bad stuff happened to you, it wasn't your fault. You didn't behave in the best way because of the things that had happened to you. That was then - you now have freedom from that environment and that mindset.

Letting rudeness wash over you is perfect. Maybe they had shit role models as well but aren't as strong as you in breaking free of that way of speaking. Or are trying to cover up their own self doubt by trying to make you feel bad. If they can't see it affect you (or better, you wait until they completely step out of line and then deal with it perfectly appropriately not a punch on the nose) it stops happening.

You've dealt with worse. This is your strength. These people are nothing other than an irritation. Keep your power in smiling sweetly and getting on with your day, knowing that they're most likely far unhappier than you.

Somebody upthread says most people are nice and that she's not a peoplepleaser;she doesnt like peoplepleasers.

Peoplepleasers will be aware of that. They're very attuned to people not liking them.

Im a peoplepleaser in recovery, now i would just say conflict averse, but we peoplepleasers do ignite disdain/disrespect in a certain type i find.

There are good people out there. I've met some toxic, hideous people. I think I've met more good than bad though.

What brought me in to therapy was the desire to not "attract" being singled out by scapegoating levellers. It had happened too many times. I also believe most people are good, but i attract the disrespect of people who project outwards. It's the same wound resonating. The people who project that wound outwards are triggered to intensely dislike people with the same wound wh internalse their insecurities.

Im sticking with the therapy hoping it will never happen to me again. I wish i could blithely type that i ve never experienced anybody being unpleasant to me!!

I like the shark analogy. I've always thought that an abusive childhood doesn't necessarily mean you attract abuse, but it does mean that when abuse comes near, you use the 'skills' you learnt as a child to grin and bear it, whereas another person from a non-abusive childhood would not put up with it (because they've not had the practice), if that makes sense.

Omg that's so well put. The grinning and bearing it is catnip to the abusers. I can never tell until it's too late, until the abusive person already hates me. I can never identify that moment where i have to be brave and say no or leave or disagree or say actually o prefer thai food.

@dancealittleclosertome very interesting and makes alot of sense

[quote PerciphonePuma]@TodayYearsOld

In the kindest way possible, have you not ever thought that given you believe that almost everyone you've encountered has been horrible to you, that perhaps the issue lies with you, not all of them? [/quote]
What a fucking horrible thing to say to someone who had been abused at home, bullied by teachers at school because of her clothes and sexually abused by previous partners. No, the problem is NOT with the op. Shame on you.

PerciphonePuma
@TodayYearsOld

In the kindest way possible, have you not ever thought that given you believe that almost everyone you've encountered has been horrible to you, that perhaps the issue lies with you, not all of them? 

That's exactly what my abusive narcissistic mother used to say to me ! Shame on you.

Yeh, nothing kind about that statement.