To expect husband to say thanks?

[Neenaribeena]

We have 2 young kids and we both do a good share of stuff around the house. He often does more cleaning, and cooking, because I perform the job of looking after the kids while he does it. I’d be happy to swap around but I take longer with cleaning (because I’m more thorough) and cooking has never been my strong suit. I tend to do the vast majority of tidying, washing, and reorganising stuff (and buying furniture / containers etc to make sure the house stays as tidy as possible). Every time he makes food, or does washing, or pretty much anything, I make sure to thank him and praise his efforts.

Tonight I got annoyed with him. After dinner, he took the kids to the lounge before their bath. While he sat with them, I cleaned the kitchen surfaces, cleared and washed up from dinner, folded and put away a mountain of laundry, vacuumed and mopped the floors, and shifted a load of stuff upstairs where we’ve been redecorating. When he brought the kids up for their bath, I was pouring with sweat and it was pretty obvious what I’d been doing. I thanked him for giving the kids their bath (while I’d been lugging all sorts up and down the stairs), and sort of expected he might reciprocate and say thanks for my efforts. Instead he said absolutely nothing and barely blinked when I muttered ‘you’re welcome’. I’m fed up of feeling unappreciated when I go to so much effort, and when I take time to thank him. He says he doesn’t care about hearing thanks, but I don’t know many people that aren’t motivated by a tiny bit of recognition. AIBU to feel this way?

We don’t spend our days saying thank you for everyday things necessarily. It would get rather wearing. A special or thoughtful thing I’d say thank you - my morning tea, running a bath for when I get home or fetching the washing in if it’s raining and I’ve not noticed but not for putting things away or washing up. Not for bathing little ones or taking burns out either.

We don't thank each other for normal household tasks, I would find it odd If dh thanked me for doing the dishes

Next time don't thank him for bathing the kids. He shouldn't expect a thanks for it - their his kids! I don't think it's normal to expect a thank you for doing day to day stuff. Appreciation absolutely but saying thanks is odd imo.

I don't know why you'd thank someone for doing a task around the house unless their specific intention was to make your life easier - like if you normally bathe the kids and he was doing it so you could have 10 minutes to yourself.
I certainly wouldn't thank my other half for doing his share of the housework/childcare. It's different if they go above and beyond.

Yeah I would find it OTT to be thanked or constantly thanking DH for doing normal household tasks. You live there, it's your house, some of it's your mess... It's just something that needs doing. You're not doing it for him but for you both.

I wouldn’t even consider thanking my h or expecting him to thank me for us doing basic household tasks. Much less get annoyed if he didn’t thank me.

I would expect thanks but I guess it depends on your household

Myself and DH probably tend to do different jobs around the house but we always say thanks or 'I appreciate it'. It makes such a huge difference to the general feeling in the household and rarely do we build up stress or resentment on chores etc

As I typed this DH came into the kitchen I'd just tidied and said 'thanks for tidying up, I know you're tired...shall I walk the dog?'. He recognised I'd done something and in turn offered the other evening chore.

Saying thanks doesn't necessarily mean the other person was 'doing you a favour', it could just be a nice but of recognition.

Eh nope. It's an everyday household task.

I don't thank my husband for doing housework, unless it's above and beyond the normal, but I do acknowledge it. If I come in from work and the kitchen is spotless and dinner is ready, I'll say it looks lovely in here, but it won't actually be a thank you for participating in the housework. He doesn't thank me either, and if I'm feeling unappreciated by him not noticing what I've done with a day off, I'll take him on a tour of the house and point it all out so he does!

I expect thanks for a meal I've cooked, as its more tangible, so I'd expect a "thanks, this is lovely" type comment.
Sometimes we say a well done to each other if there's been greatness achieved somehow, but I wouldn't expect a thanks for cleaning or suchlike.

I don’t expect thanks for cooking or housework as it’s just something adults do. If either is sick or has time off and picks up the others share I would say thank you for that.

Completely agree with @MyFartWillGoOn ( I love your username 😂)

Me and DP try to thank it show appreciation to each other for most household tasks. It makes the general “vibe” (sorry I’m not British and I really can’t think of a better word) in the house more positive and I think that this way, neither of us will ever feel like the other one is taking them and their efforts for granted. I think that’s what causes a lot of issues in long term relationships.

“Thank it show” should be “thank or show”

I think by thanking someone it’s a response to them doing something ‘for’ you which isn’t the case. But if you both do equal tasks thanking at every occasion is overkill. The task was done to keep the house running on both parts. Yes, on occasion ‘I really appreciate what you do’ on both parties is great and shows you are aware of what an effort it takes for you both but no I wouldn’t expect a thanks.

Look up the language of love (or something like that) - it’s probably that you both feel love and appreciation in different ways.
For you, saying thank you means a lot and so you say if your husband.
For him, it probably doesn’t mean as much and it maybe the actions themselves (sharing chores, child related duties etc) demonstrate his care and love for you.
So you need to tell him what your “language of love” is (very cheesy, sorry) and if he is feeling unloved then he needs to tell you his.

Actually I find it odd that you expect to thank and be thanked for doing regular household chores. Sure if one of us has gone to an extra effort to make an amazing meal or do something out of the ordinary or pick up the flack because someone is busy (eg over Christmas my work is ridiculous and I show my gratitude to DP for doing EVERYTHING), but otherwise we just crack on.

We always try to thank each other for doing jobs around the house. It's nice to show appreciation, especially if it's a lot of jobs or a job the other doesn't like doing.

Here you go:
www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.mindbodygreen.com/articles/the-5-love-languages-explained

Catch 22, I wouldn't thank him for doing the bath because it's one of his jobs, but if I had a lie in and came down to a spotless kitchen I'd thank him. If he stepped out of his lane I'd thank him, or if he handed me something or did something I didn't at to. Similarly he thanks me whenever he's handed a meal, but wouldn't thank me for washing the clothes or minding the kids. He'd thank me for buying his favorite food but not for doing the shop. At Christmas time or parties that I take on the bulk of organizing he'll broadly thank me for my effort but not for the specific tasks I've done if that makes sense. Actually that's it in one, we thank each other for the effort, not the task.

Thanking for the basic expectations?

Nah

@noworklifebalance

Look up the language of love (or something like that) - it’s probably that you both feel love and appreciation in different ways. For you, saying thank you means a lot and so you say if your husband. For him, it probably doesn’t mean as much and it maybe the actions themselves (sharing chores, child related duties etc) demonstrate his care and love for you. So you need to tell him what your “language of love” is (very cheesy, sorry) and if he is feeling unloved then he needs to tell you his.

This!

People love and appreciate different things in different ways.

YABU, he does most of the housework so shouldn’t have to thank you.

My DP is the opposite - he says thank you for EVERYTHING and I find it really unnecessary. He also says “excuse me” if he burps even if it’s so small and quiet I didn’t hear it so it’s just drawing attention to something I wasn’t aware of anyway. It drives me MAD. I always thought it was because he grew up a lot posher than I did and that I was missing out on some manners - I probably am to an extent, but much of it is so unnecessary!

Dh and I never thank each other for doing the housework. I'd find it ridiculous tbh. Jobs need doing all the time. We'd be forever thanking each other if we started saying it. Stop thanking him for doing what he should basically be doing as part of your family.

I feel like this OP. I don't necessarily think it's a right or wrong thing but I feel similarly

After years of these types of discussions, DH occasionally remembers to say thanks!