To expect husband to say thanks?

[Neenaribeena]

We have 2 young kids and we both do a good share of stuff around the house. He often does more cleaning, and cooking, because I perform the job of looking after the kids while he does it. I’d be happy to swap around but I take longer with cleaning (because I’m more thorough) and cooking has never been my strong suit. I tend to do the vast majority of tidying, washing, and reorganising stuff (and buying furniture / containers etc to make sure the house stays as tidy as possible). Every time he makes food, or does washing, or pretty much anything, I make sure to thank him and praise his efforts.

Tonight I got annoyed with him. After dinner, he took the kids to the lounge before their bath. While he sat with them, I cleaned the kitchen surfaces, cleared and washed up from dinner, folded and put away a mountain of laundry, vacuumed and mopped the floors, and shifted a load of stuff upstairs where we’ve been redecorating. When he brought the kids up for their bath, I was pouring with sweat and it was pretty obvious what I’d been doing. I thanked him for giving the kids their bath (while I’d been lugging all sorts up and down the stairs), and sort of expected he might reciprocate and say thanks for my efforts. Instead he said absolutely nothing and barely blinked when I muttered ‘you’re welcome’. I’m fed up of feeling unappreciated when I go to so much effort, and when I take time to thank him. He says he doesn’t care about hearing thanks, but I don’t know many people that aren’t motivated by a tiny bit of recognition. AIBU to feel this way?

Your going wrong by thanking him for doing his share. Its like saying you did not have to do that. He does. He obviously thinks it's your job but his helped you out so you thanked him meaning he does not need to return the favour. Once you stop I'm guessing he will 🤔 why has she not thanked me recently. Then maybe he will show his appreciation for all you do. If not and he asks where his thanks is then say same place yours has always been.

We don't thank each other for pulling our weight around the house. It's just part of running a household together. If you thank someone for doing house work, you are then kind of saying the responsibility for those tasks should be yours but the other person has done you a favour by doing them.

I think you guys constantly thanking each other is a bit much personally

Gwad, I live with someone like you. They need thanked for doing jobs they don’t normally do. My response is, well done love, your Blue Peter badge is on its way. It’s exhausting.
It seems you both split things equally and do your fair share, just enjoy your partnership.

My dh says thank you to me whenever I cook/clean/go food shopping. I like it, I like a bit of validation tbh.

@FortniteBoysMum

Your going wrong by thanking him for doing his share. Its like saying you did not have to do that. He does. He obviously thinks it's your job but his helped you out so you thanked him meaning he does not need to return the favour. Once you stop I'm guessing he will 🤔 why has she not thanked me recently. Then maybe he will show his appreciation for all you do. If not and he asks where his thanks is then say same place yours has always been.

This

We thank each other for meals but not anything else. They are just normal household tasks. Never occurred to me to thank him for hoovering or bathing the kids or doing the washing. Never expected it in return either!

YANBU. You’re allowed to want your DH to show appreciation for the things you do, to love and care for him and your family. He may be right that he doesn’t expect, or need, the same praise, or it could be that you exercise your appreciation verbally and/or through actions and so he’s getting what he needs without realising it. My only advice is to tell him that’s what you’d like from him.
If he says that he doesn’t need praise, you could say “that’s fair enough, but I do, so please could you say thank you for the things I do, to help me feel appreciated?” If he’s a reasonable person, I can’t see him objecting to that line of thought!

Thanks to everyone and especially those who mentioned the 5 love languages. I’ve had a brief read and it seems that my language is ‘Words of Affirmation’, while his is ‘Acts of Service’. He does stuff as his way of showing love and my thanks are probably pretty meaningless. When I try and reciprocate and don’t get any thanks, it’s pretty crushing to me. No idea how to overcome that but at least it’s a start to understand it!

@Jasmine11

We don't thank each other for pulling our weight around the house. It's just part of running a household together. If you thank someone for doing house work, you are then kind of saying the responsibility for those tasks should be yours but the other person has done you a favour by doing them.

That. It's just life. Self care, home care, they're just things that need doing. I don't think my DH and I ever thanked each other fitment. But if one of us cooked a meal the other night say, "this is really good good" or "wow, this is delicious" Or if ones been out and comes home to find the other's done a bit of a spring clean of the living room "ooh, it looks nice in here!"

But thanking implies they did a job that should have been yours. And domestic stuff is both people's jobs.
By all means compliment each other on the quality of what the other has done But you don't need to thank them for actually doing it.

Everything under age 5 is basically shit and thankless. It’s hard work. Each parent IME goes through feelings of feeling unappreciated and unthanked. Today’s your day. There will be many more. Sorry. It gets easier. You’re allowed to lash out periodically but expect the same back periodically

@Neenaribeena

Thanks to everyone and especially those who mentioned the 5 love languages. I’ve had a brief read and it seems that my language is ‘Words of Affirmation’, while his is ‘Acts of Service’. He does stuff as his way of showing love and my thanks are probably pretty meaningless. When I try and reciprocate and don’t get any thanks, it’s pretty crushing to me. No idea how to overcome that but at least it’s a start to understand it!

Start by having a conversation with him. Tell him how you feel.

I like my efforts to be noticed sometimes, but don't expect thanks. It would feel false to me. Stop thanking him.

I can’t imagine wanting or giving thanks for child care or normal house hold chores. You’re not a small child op doing chores for the recognition, you’re an adult adulting, and doing what we all have to do, as is he. The only time we say thanks is if one cooks a meal for the other.

Just wanted to say @Neenaribeena sometimes I fall into this trap. I have no idea why but I always thank DH for everything, eg even clearing up his own mess. It’s a habit I need to get out of as it does make me feel under appreciated sometimes.

I’ve realised mine comes from a terrible parental dynamic when I was young and my mum basically doing everything and my dad being an entitled useless prick. Might be worth looking at your parents relationship to see where it comes from.

You are being ridiculous. Those are jobs that need to be done. He isn't doing you a favour. I would be seriously pissed off if my dh expected a thank you.

I wouldn’t thank my husband for bathing his own children, no!

I don't like to be thanked for doing what I should do. It sort of implies that I had a choice, and if that's the case, then I could choose not to and that would be alright.

If I was thanked for bathing the kids, I'd assume that it was sarky. I mean, why would I not bath the kids?

Also, just to fill the point in, if someone thanks you, it implies you've done something for them. And that would suggest that it was that person's job, and you've relieved them of it. Again, not the case. I bathed the kids because the kids needed bathing.

"Pouring with sweat".
Think you're being a bit of a martyr.

No, that way too much thanking! We’d say thanks if we physically gave each other something of course, like a brew or food or if we’d asked each other to do something specific for us and the other person had done it but not for general every day jobs.

@Neenaribeena

Thanks to everyone and especially those who mentioned the 5 love languages. I’ve had a brief read and it seems that my language is ‘Words of Affirmation’, while his is ‘Acts of Service’. He does stuff as his way of showing love and my thanks are probably pretty meaningless. When I try and reciprocate and don’t get any thanks, it’s pretty crushing to me. No idea how to overcome that but at least it’s a start to understand it!

Are you doing these things because you have to or for the recognition? I think that's what you need to start asking yourself. The kitchen needs cleaning whether you like it or not, so you need to do it regardless of whether or not one of you thanks the other for doing it.

Also start recognising that doing something for yourself is as good a reason as any to do it. It doesn't matter if anyone else notices as long as you know. I don't clean the house of anyone else's benefit other than my own. And that is good enough.

Despite so many disagreeing - I think thanks goes a long way.

I thank my kids for setting table,
Thank my husband if he cooks
Thank, my girls if they tidy up and clear table
And likewise a thanks in return for cooking a meal or clearing up is appreciated!

YANBU

Ps in response to others comments - there is a choice - he could do it or you could do - so if it's you he can say thanks and if it's him you can say thanks! I'd always much sooner sit and watch my kids in bath than be clearing up frim dinner and sweep ping and unloading dishwasher etc... so if I'm doing bath time - it's thanks for clearing the hubby! And I'd appreciate a thanks VV (like you might not always get it) but being respectful of each other is important

We thank each other! All the time. He hoovers, I say, "You've got it looking lovely in here." I change the bedlinen and tidy up, he says "It's such a treat to slip into clean sheets and the room looked like a posh hotel when I walked in." He cooks a meal and I say "That was really tasty, I enjoyed it, thank you." I immaculate the kitchen and he says "Wow, it looks spotless in here!"

It costs nothing and makes us both feel appreciated. If either of us overlooks something, we're not above calling attention to it either, as in; "Did you spot anything when you went into the bathroom!"

No, not like that! 😂