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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it my fault when she cries?

58 replies

babyblues21 · 02/07/2021 09:30

I've made a few posts about my situation so I apologise for another. But I'm really struggling. I have PND and my partner basically implied yesterday that it's my fault when my baby cries. He said she is picking up on my anxiety. When she started screaming yesterday we were having a lovely time doing baby massage together and she was grinning away at me and gurgling. Then out of nowhere she screamed like she was in pain (I assume her tummy or possibly teething) and he has found a way to say this is my fault because she seems happy when with him. Yet when she cried like this yesterday neither of us could console her for ages, so how can it be my fault? We have so many happy times together that he doesn't see because he's at work. Is it my fault? Does my baby hate me?

OP posts:
Original poster
babyblues21 · 02/07/2021 09:33

He also kissed the baby goodbye when he went to work and completely ignored me Sad

OP posts:
Seeline · 02/07/2021 09:35

Of course it's not your fault. Your baby definitely doesn't hate you!

How old is your DD?

I think it is true that babies can pick up on anxiety - if you have been dealing with a screaming baby all day, you are going to be stressed. It is infuriating when you hand baby over to their Dad when they walk in in the evening and baby instantly stops crying. I used to have the same with both grannies - baby would stop crying straight away.

But you really aren't doing anything to make your baby cry. Don't forget when they are small it is the only way they have of communicating.

Amammai · 02/07/2021 09:35

In a word: no!

Babies cry for so many different reasons and it can be so upsetting to see them cry when you are doing your very best to meet their needs. Great that she doesn’t cry for your partner but that is highly likely to just be pure luck so far. Or that you most likely spend more time with her so get ALL the emotions from her.

If you are struggling, do see your HV or GP. But I would definitely have a word with your partner at a quiet moment and tell him how his words have made you feel. None of us get training for this parenting game, we’re all just doing the best we can. Some days will be delightful and others will be full of tears from everyone.

Arghlife · 02/07/2021 09:35

Basically, he's a dick. No it's not your fault. He clearly doesn't understand or support you. Babies can just cry. And as he's working then he'll be spending less time with her which means there will be less opportunities of crying spells.

Seeline · 02/07/2021 09:35

Your partner sounds like an idiot by the way.

pointythings · 02/07/2021 09:36

Your baby cries because that is what babies do. And yes, they can go from happy and smiling to screaming in a moment. Your partner is being deeply unkind and unsupportive, and if I were you I would consider the future of the relationship - especially if you are happier and more relaxed when he is not present.

Are you receiving help with your PND? If not, please ask for some.

suspiria777 · 02/07/2021 09:38

was he nice until you had a baby, or has he always been cruel and nasty towards you?

Original poster
babyblues21 · 02/07/2021 09:39

Baby is almost 11 weeks

OP posts:
Original poster
babyblues21 · 02/07/2021 09:40

@suspiria777

was he nice until you had a baby, or has he always been cruel and nasty towards you?

When he's sleep deprived or under pressure he's not a nice person at all. But under normal circumstances he's lovely. I'm just so confused. I don't know if I can continue in the relationship but I don't want to raise my baby alone either. :(

OP posts:
radiosummer · 02/07/2021 09:40

No it most definitely isn't your fault. Your "partner" is a prick and abusive for saying anything of the sort to you. I hope you can find the strength to leave him as soon as possible because he will undoubtedly be contributing to your depression with that vindictive attitude that he has.

Your baby may have been crying from trapped wind because of baby massage but if she seems to do it often with no apparent reason Id give the GP a call just to check.

Your partner needs to do his fair share of parenting too so when he comes home from work hand over the baby and go and get some rest - this is even more important when you have PND.

Don't take his shit anymore - looking after a baby is such hard work and you need to tell yourself you're doing a great job.

Dishwashersaurous · 02/07/2021 09:41

You Husband is horrible.

You need ignore him and then calmy explain to him that him saying things like that is horrible and unsupportive

Original poster
babyblues21 · 02/07/2021 09:42

He has been through a lot too watching me be very poorly with my mental health. I'm not making excuses for him but maybe he is struggling too and he comes out with the wrong things? I can't work out if that's the case or if he's just changed now and I just need to leave him.

OP posts:
GlutenFreeGingerCake · 02/07/2021 09:43

Having an unsupportive partner can be a part of why women get PND. It's normally a mixture of stressful environment and hormonal changes.

Original poster
babyblues21 · 02/07/2021 09:45

@GlutenFreeGingerCake

Having an unsupportive partner can be a part of why women get PND. It's normally a mixture of stressful environment and hormonal changes.

He was very supportive through my pregnancy, birth and in the first couple weeks after having her when her was on paternity leave. Since he's been back at work he's a bit of prick at times of I'm honest. Tiredness maybe? Who knows.

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 02/07/2021 09:46

OK.

First, deep breath.

You both have a very young baby. Which turns your lie upside down.

You also have sleep deprivation.

And you have mental health problems.

All of which is going to make you feel overwhelmed, emotional and overthinking.

So probably best to just ignore this one off comment.

Then tonight, once baby is asleep. Sit down with your husband and talk calmly about what you can both do to support each other at the moment. Practical things, how you talk to each other etc.

And both of you listen to what is being said

Original poster
babyblues21 · 02/07/2021 09:47

I am fighting horrible thoughts all the time about being a shit mum and thinking my baby deserves better. Now I feel like he has added to that by confirming I'm a shit mother because I make her cry. I'm sorry for rambling it's all just too much

OP posts:
PleasantBirthday · 02/07/2021 09:48
  1. You're doing great.
  2. Your baby loves you, you are the centre of her world, and much as we pretend otherwise to spare people's feelings, she doesn't really care that much for anyone else.
  3. Babies cry. They might pick up on anxiety but if you're able to do baby massage and mirror interactions with her, your anxiety isn't harming her.
  4. Babies cry. She may even just have been tired. The massage etc is lovely for babies but they tire quickly, it was probably nothing more than that.
  5. Your husband needs to mind himself before he ends up alone.
delilahbucket · 02/07/2021 09:51

Your partner is a twat and I think you may find your PND is greatly improved by leaving him. I've been there Flowers

Prospering · 02/07/2021 09:51

Small babies just cry, because it's their only way of communicating hunger or tiredness or discomfort etc parenthood becomes a lot better once you manage (over time and with a lot of trial and error) to figure out what your baby's crying is trying to tell you and sometimes, alas, it is just 'I'm pissed off! Waaaah!' -- and especially once they learn to talk and can tell you what's wrong.

Otherwise, @Dishwashersaurous' post is a good one.

BillyShears · 02/07/2021 09:52

You don’t have a baby problem, you have a partner problem.

Gladiolys · 02/07/2021 09:54

Your partner is a dickhead.

Your baby doesn’t hate you. To your baby, you are the sun. Babies cry sometimes - all babies. It’s their only way of communicating a need. It’s not your fault and your partner is a dick for suggesting otherwise.

PurpleyBlue · 02/07/2021 09:55

Your partner may be stressed and tired but that is no excuse for saying things like that.

Original poster
babyblues21 · 02/07/2021 09:57

He didn't say "it's your fault when she cries", but he implied it by saying things like "well she seemed fine when she was with me" and "she must be picking up on your anxiety", etc. And the tone he said it was abrupt. I've taken from that it's my fault. I am losing the battle against my mind (constant thoughts of being a shit mother and she would be better off without me), and he is making the battle so much harder with these comments.

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PurpleyBlue · 02/07/2021 10:06

Yes exactly, it's hard enough with PND without having a partner making digs. Are you getting help for your PND? It takes a while but it does get better.

PurpleyBlue · 02/07/2021 10:07

Your baby doesn't hate you. I promise. I've been in a similar position and it is so hard but your baby just needs you. It doesn't matter if they are happy or sad they just need you to be there to help them with their emotions.