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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it my fault when she cries?

58 replies

babyblues21 · 02/07/2021 09:30

I've made a few posts about my situation so I apologise for another. But I'm really struggling. I have PND and my partner basically implied yesterday that it's my fault when my baby cries. He said she is picking up on my anxiety. When she started screaming yesterday we were having a lovely time doing baby massage together and she was grinning away at me and gurgling. Then out of nowhere she screamed like she was in pain (I assume her tummy or possibly teething) and he has found a way to say this is my fault because she seems happy when with him. Yet when she cried like this yesterday neither of us could console her for ages, so how can it be my fault? We have so many happy times together that he doesn't see because he's at work. Is it my fault? Does my baby hate me?

OP posts:

Millionsofpeachez · 02/07/2021 10:09

Hi I remember your last thread.
It’s absolutely not your fault if your baby cries, it’s just what babies do and how they communicate! Making you doubt yourself like this when you’re already down is a nasty thing to do.

Wnikat · 02/07/2021 10:11

At that age, they can go from happy to overtired in a few seconds. That's probably what happened - baby suddenly was overstimulated so started crying. Not your fault.

Beamur · 02/07/2021 10:11

Babies cry..every single one of them! It's their only way to communicate.
They cry when they're hungry, thirsty, bored, lonely, tired, wound up, over excited, you name it.
It's really not your fault. In fact babies that don't cry are often babies that don't get enough attention, your baby cries safe in the knowledge that you will respond.
Ignore your DH's unkind comments

newmumfeb21 · 02/07/2021 10:12

Hi @babyblues21 - I posted on an earlier thread of yours. Glad little one is 11 weeks now - I know it may not feel like it if you're having a crap day, but you've come a long way if you've actually been able to put her down long enough to attempt a baby massage yesterday (& good on you for doing this too..!)

Your DP doesn't sound very kind. Babies cry, because that's the only way they are able to communicate. I suffer with anxiety too and do get worried / upset when DS cries, so have to remind myself of that all the time and try not to take it personally. As a PP said it's probably overtiredness - which ime is a really loud and inconsolable yell.
I dont want to say LTB as this is a stressful time for you both - particularly you - and I dont know anything else about your relationship but please ignore him. You are all your baby needs and you are doing a great job, particularly given how tough everything has been for you

Dobbyisahouseelf · 02/07/2021 10:15

Seriously 11 week old babies are hard work. They go from happy to crying in seconds. Think of it as their only way to tell you they have a small pain, are hungry, nappy needs changing or just want a cuddle.

Be kind to yourself you have only given birth and your world has turned upside down and are probably sleep deprived. Talk to your GP or HV about your PND. Try to eat well, rest when your baby is sleeping and get fresh air every day. You are doing a great job and your DH needs to stop with the crap comments.

yellowmelon · 02/07/2021 10:16

People are quick to say ltb. This isn't abusive imo - it's thoughtless and mean, but not abusive. I don't think op needs people picking her rship apart. It's normal to have rship challenges when you have a new baby - it's exhausting. You need to find someone who can support you - and it may not be dp and that's ok. Maybe he's not the most emotionally intelligent. Can you look into postnatal counseling?

Hijokp · 02/07/2021 10:17

Please go to the GP and get antidepressants they WILL NOT take baby away or refer you to social services xxx

EleanorOlephantisjustfine · 02/07/2021 10:19

@radiosummer

No it most definitely isn't your fault. Your "partner" is a prick and abusive for saying anything of the sort to you. I hope you can find the strength to leave him as soon as possible because he will undoubtedly be contributing to your depression with that vindictive attitude that he has.

Your baby may have been crying from trapped wind because of baby massage but if she seems to do it often with no apparent reason Id give the GP a call just to check.

Your partner needs to do his fair share of parenting too so when he comes home from work hand over the baby and go and get some rest - this is even more important when you have PND.

Don't take his shit anymore - looking after a baby is such hard work and you need to tell yourself you're doing a great job.

Just remember everything is out of context when you are sleep deprived so don’t make decisions about the future of your relationship currently. That doesn’t at all excuse his behaviour. He sounds very unsupportive. He should be your biggest fan and be reassuring you, not blaming you. He should also be packing the baby in the pram when he’s home from work/on weekends, sticking the football (or whatever floats his boat) on in his ears and walking for miles whilst you rest.

Babies are bloody hard work. They do pick up on anxiety but it’s not your fault your baby cries and it doesn’t mean your baby doesn’t like you. Hang on in there, it will get easier💐

Dobbyisahouseelf · 02/07/2021 10:24

From someone who did have a shit Mum you are not one at all. If you were you wouldn't care about your baby crying and you clearly do through your posts.

Make an appointment with the HV today and ask for help. You are doing a great job and don't let your DP tell you otherwise.

Tal45 · 02/07/2021 10:24

Bloody babies cry all the bloody time, for no reason, no matter what you or anyone else does. It's just what they do. If the baby really is picking up on your anxiety then they're just as likely to be picking up on your partner being stressy and moody so he should take a look at his own behaviour before criticising yours!

I have to say I'm pretty crap when I'm sleep deprived too but he's really affecting your mental health and you really need to tell him that. Communication is absolutely key, try to do it when you are both calm, having a quiet moment when baby is asleep and tell him generally how you've been feeling and how what he did made you feel, rather than just saying what he did wrong- it sounds much less accusatory/blamey that way and so is more likely to be listened to.

Hankunamatata · 02/07/2021 10:27

Hi op.

Read your update. Him saying 'she's fine with me' and 'perhaps she's picking up on your anxiety' does not mean he is saying its your fault when she cries. He is doing a bit of a rubbish job trying to reassure you by the sounds of it.

Hankunamatata · 02/07/2021 10:29

Myself and my dp had awful time with our first. My mental health was in tatters, my anxiety though the roof and my dp just didn't know what to do or say.

Is there anyone else you can lean on too. My mil was fab and my mum was a great ear.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 02/07/2021 10:35

Just wondering if you had mh issues before you met him....

GlutenFreeGingerCake · 02/07/2021 10:38

My baby hated baby massage, getting undressed, baths, strangers, someone other than me cuddling her too long, nappy changing, the car seat, being put down for too long, swimming, the witching hour.

She liked being held by me in a position she liked, being fed, being wrapped in a blanket but not being swaddled, a short go in the baby gym if she was in the mood (10 mins).

Crying is how they tell you what they want and it doesn't mean they are overall unhappy babies. Of course if they cry all the time and you can't work out why that is more serious. But if they cry a lot but you can work out why it's probably because they are just more sensitive to small changes. Even now she is older dd knows what she likes and wants things just so.

Beamur · 02/07/2021 10:40

Not that it's a competition but babies sometimes do cry and fuss more with the parent they feel safer with! Because they know you will respond more to that stimulus.

Chwaraeteg · 02/07/2021 10:44

That was an insensitive and unsupportive thing for him to say. I would have been upset by this comment too. I'm sure you are doing your best.

Original poster

babyblues21 · 02/07/2021 10:47

@30degreesandmeltinghere

Just wondering if you had mh issues before you met him....

Not sure what this means...?

OP posts:

AmyandPhilipfan · 02/07/2021 10:51

You are the number one person to your baby. But she will still cry and sometimes you won’t know why. I took my daughter to a baby massage taster class when she was 6 weeks and she screamed. I started Baby Sensory with her at about 12 weeks and she spent about the first 3 weeks screaming. A few times I stood at the back rocking her feeling embarrassed that my baby was the only one screaming. By about 16 weeks she started enjoying things a bit but in those first few weeks it would have made me feel really shit if my husband had suggested it was my fault!

Original poster

babyblues21 · 02/07/2021 11:00

Would I be unreasonable to consider leaving him based on this?

OP posts:

PleasantBirthday · 02/07/2021 11:18

@babyblues21

Would I be unreasonable to consider leaving him based on this?

A bit, I think. Obviously you can leave any relationship for any reason, but this is probably the most stressful time in your lives so far so I wouldn't take any long term decisions right now.

pointythings · 02/07/2021 11:19

@babyblues21

Would I be unreasonable to consider leaving him based on this?

It depends. If you tell him honestly how unsupported you feel, how his comments made you feel bad and what he does need to do and say to support you - and if he then does not change - yes, it would be reason enough. If he's just being emotionally illiterate, he will make the effort to do better, in which case your relationship should recover. I'm not saying LTB by any means - but you do need to get tough with him and tell him exactly what you need.

Original poster

babyblues21 · 02/07/2021 11:32

I just explained to him how it made me feel (again - we have been here before unfortunately) and everything you lot have said about why babies cry etc and how it's not my fault. He apologised and said he admits he was wrong to suggest it was my fault she was crying. It's a start I suppose.

But you know when you just feel like your feelings aren't the same towards someone anymore? I can't work out if my mental health is getting in the way of making the right decision though. And I don't want my baby to be part of a broken home before she even turns 1.

OP posts:

Original poster

babyblues21 · 02/07/2021 11:34

@Beamur

Not that it's a competition but babies sometimes do cry and fuss more with the parent they feel safer with! Because they know you will respond more to that stimulus.

I didn't realise this. It makes me feel a bit better.

OP posts:

AliceW89 · 02/07/2021 11:45

11 weeks!?!? If you’d said 11 months I still would have said your partner was being unreasonable!! But at 11 weeks old all mine did was cry, for a multitude of reasons. Too tired, too hot, too cold, too hungry, too full, too stimulated, not stimulated enough…often just because they are a tiny baby who hasn’t figured the world out and it’s bloody stressful! I know my DS picked up on my anxiety, but that’s life - I felt anxious, I was with him 24/7, it was inevitable. Unless your DP has any constructive help either in managing your anxiety or relieving you of baby stress I’m not sure what he’s trying to achieve? X

Beamur · 02/07/2021 11:54

DH used to pick DD up from nursery and she'd be quite cheery. If I did she would howl (crossly telling me off for leaving her there)
Really don't take it personally when she cries..

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