Is it my fault when she cries?

[babyblues21]

I've made a few posts about my situation so I apologise for another. But I'm really struggling. I have PND and my partner basically implied yesterday that it's my fault when my baby cries. He said she is picking up on my anxiety. When she started screaming yesterday we were having a lovely time doing baby massage together and she was grinning away at me and gurgling. Then out of nowhere she screamed like she was in pain (I assume her tummy or possibly teething) and he has found a way to say this is my fault because she seems happy when with him. Yet when she cried like this yesterday neither of us could console her for ages, so how can it be my fault? We have so many happy times together that he doesn't see because he's at work. Is it my fault? Does my baby hate me?

Babies are hard work, looking after them is hard work....every at some stage finds it very hard. Especially first babies - I guess after that you sort of get a bit more resilient to their crying and you also know that it will eventually stop. My baby was a crying - it was really hard work. Yes, people tell you that babies cry but when it's you own and you dont know whats wrong this time around, over and over and ove again - it's exhausting. Frankly my crying baby turned into a very opinionated little child - but now I know when they are just being unreasonable, spolit, tired, hungry etc and it's a million times easier.

Under no circumstances should you partner tell you that you're a bad mum - frankly even if you are. You're a team, probably a very tired one at this stage, so it's really important to look out for each other. However, if he's usually ok, this is probably also not the time for rush decisions.

I would personally hold off on any major life decisions at such a pressurised time. He will undoubtedly be under a lot of strain worrying about you, and while he was clearly a complete arse and really insensitive here, not all men (or women...) are brilliant at saying the right thing all the time. Of course, we don’t know what he’s like all the time and if your gut is telling you to get away, that’s different. But I think it’s common for relationships to come under strain in the newborn months even without pnd in the mix, so if he’s historically been great but has only recently seemed to start buckling under the pressure, maybe hold off on leaving him and just keep a really open dialogue like it sounds like you are trying to do. Obviously keep an eye on it, I know that men can become abusive where they weren’t previously, especially when a new baby is on the scene. But that’s what i would personally do.

In terms of the baby, if it helps, my little one screamed through the first baby massage session I did with him. I was mortified. But he was a real crier. He actually came to love baby massage, but my goodness that first session was hell. I had so many times out and about with him where he just had complete meltdowns. I was lucky enough that I wasn’t suffering from pnd and was able to rationalise this as ‘babies cry, they eventually stop, this isn’t my fault’ but it wasn’t always easy to do that.

I promise it will get easier op. Keep being open and honest with your partner. Have you got anyone who could watch baby for an afternoon or evening to allow the two of you some time off together? It might help you both to get some space just the two of you.

My kid screamed bloody murder for eight months unless eating or sleeping-if I had my partner suggest it was my fault I'd have lost my shit and prolly lamped him. I sincerely hope you speak with your doctor-postpartum depression is a chemical imbalance of hormones and not a personal failure. You're in the most intense part of motherhood-hang in there!

@babyblues21

He also kissed the baby goodbye when he went to work and completely ignored me

Any wonder you've got PND. He's being a twat. Babies cry all the time!

@babyblues21

Would I be unreasonable to consider leaving him based on this?

You can leave for whatever reason you want. However I would say not to make any big life changing decisions in the first year after having a baby (unless it's a situation where you'd clearly be better off eg your partner is abusive or moving house because yours is mouldy and dangerous sort of thing)

Did you have anxiety before you were with him?

Just a thought, I remember my dd suddenly going from happy to screaming and inconsolable for no apparent reason. The next day her temperature went sky high and it turned out she had a UTI. I figured that the sudden screaming was when she did a wee and it hurt. Keep an eye on her temp, just in case.
Definitely not your fault though.

Sorry your partner is being a dick.

When your baby cries, check if she

• is hungry
• has a dirty nappy
• wants a cuddle
• has something hurting her eg nappy wedgie
• needs a nap eg take for walk in buggy or in sling.

If none of these help just pat yourself on the back and know that you’ve done all you can do. It may be that she has a nasty toothache/ stomach ache / bones hurt from growing so fast / just remembered a bad dream / saw something she thought looked scary, etc.

Remind yourself that if there was a secret that when you know it makes it possible to keep babies happy all the time, there wouldn’t be thousands of baby books in the market all making different suggestions and none of which work well for most babies.

Good luck. It is very hard I know. But the cuddles make it worth it eh.