To despair of ever enjoying my twin toddlers?

[Therunawaytraincamedown]

Our twins are 18 months old and were our miracles after three cycles of IVF and being told we might never have children. Since they were born I've really struggled and have found it so difficult looking after them. DD is a particularly sensitive child and it just feels like she cries all the time. The tiniest thing can happen (eg DS takes her toy/bumps into her) and she'll scream for half an hour. She's been assessed by paediatric team and no health concerns - it's just personality. I feel like I've been waiting for it to get easier since the moment we brought them home, but it just hasn't. I've been told so many ages when it will get easier (6 weeks, 12 weeks, 6 months, a year, when they start walking...) but here I am 18 months on still dreading the time I spend with them 😞 one of them is always crying or fussing about something and it just makes me feel so tense and I can't stand the noise. They are a bit better when they're out so I take them out as much as possible but that's also exhausting. We've had very little help with them although we have lovely parents who live nearby they aren't very hands on and especially with covid they don't have a strong relationship with the kids yet and aren't confident looking after them. DH is very supportive and hands on dad but I'm still not coping. A week ago I lost it and started screaming and shouting at the kids to stop screaming as I just couldn't stand it anymore. I work full time and we have a nanny during the day. DH job is flexible so he does Friday childcare and I do Sunday to save money, so weekends aren't any kind of break except Saturday when we are together - and even that day is really hard. I feel so guilty for not being able to enjoy this time with my children but honestly I spend quite a lot of time wishing they weren't around and wondering if I made a terrible terrible mistake. And then feeling guilty for thinking that and I'm crying just writing this. Can anyone share a similar experience and tell me that it actually does get better 😢 sorry for writing such a long post

I don't have twins but I have two 12 months apart and it is the hardest job I've ever had. My paid job is easier than looking after my children. There will be times when things are harder but also times when its easier. Its all a learning curve and you are doing an amazing job, even if you feel like you aren't right now.

How's your mental health? Having children has affected me more than I could ever imagine that I needed to go on Anti Ds.
Do you think you might have PND? Xx

It will get better, believe me. This is what you're going through now, not your whole future x

By the way, my youngest is just about to start school in September and I'm in a hard phase at the moment but I know in a few weeks time, it'll get better.

I have four year old twins. The first two years were incredibly hard. I remember 18 months being particularly difficult. One of mine was very clingy and I would basically be holding him all day and the crying was constant. Around 2 they got much easier. It’s still very hard through, twins are intense.

My twins are 9, honestly it does get better.

Until they go to nursery its pretty relentless and soul destroying.

By about 5 they're lovely. Not long to go 😁

My DTs are nearly 8 - it really does get better. Preschool/nursery was a godsend for us.

Hang on in there

I've got B/G twins. It was hellish from birth until they started school, great for a decade and turned to shit again when they became teenagers.

The toddler years with twins are brutal. Just do whatever you can to get you through it.

My twins are 19 months op, and the big one is 6. I also have told them all to just stop screaming. The twins still aren't talking either and will fight over the same bottle for example even if there's two of them.

Few things. Have you felt this since they were here or back at work or just recently? Have you spoken to your HV (if you've seen one!!) or GP and would you consider medication to help for now?

Does DH work Sundays? Is there any way of stretching the money so Nanny has them Friday and you get the whole weekend together?

Are they sleeping through and of not do you ever get to catch up? Sleep dep is literally torturous

And tbf op,twins in a frigging pandemic is next level.

I.have twins and we found it incredibly hard, especially the first year. It gets easier when you can reason with them and explain things to them and they understand. Your parents maybe think they aren't needed, or maybe they're a bit daunted and just need to try taking them out for an hour to start off? But also, nursery. Yes! Mine loved going.

Well you get the end of the day when they're cranky which is hard. Grandchildren twins they're challenging easier now they're at playschool till 2.30 . You twin mummies deserve medals

Agree between 2-3 MUCH better. Still hard and relentless but in a less annoying patience testing less whiney way. 3-3.5 lovely 3.5-4 which is where we are now has been testing again with the fight for independence 'threenager' style. BUT I cope with this much better than cling and whinge and cry, some people really struggle with tantrums. I think it depends what gets you but it certainly gets much much easier. I don't think my lo was two until I looked at him and just melted. I did have PND though. But even well it's bloody hard. If it's possible take time for yourself be that annual leave it the Saturday and boik stuff away from the house so you get some you time, it's so important for recharging the mind.

My DTs are coming up for 6 and in all honesty, it got to be significantly easier at around 4. The early twin years are brutal. The major thing that helped me was changing my mindset. Difficult to do, but it’s the easiest thing to change as it’s the one thing you have control over. You can’t change a 18 month old having separation anxiety etc, but you can change how you think about it (yore not doing anything wrong that’s made her that way, it’s a completely normal phase and shows they have a strong bond with you, there are practical things you can do to help them through it). I’ve always liked to know why things are how they are so did lots of research into various child phases. I’ve found that once I know why they’re doing something I can then alter what I do to accommodate. If you know what is developmentally appropriate for them that can help manage your expectations (18 months old will be too young still to follow instructions so they’re not being deliberately bad…that sort of thing).

As a mum, remember that you will get the worst of their behaviour not because they don’t like you or because you’re doing something wrong, but because you’re their safe place. I found changing what words I used helped me stop getting so angry (ditch the negative no/don’t do that/stop it etc). Also, never get into a fight with a toddler they will win! Only ever get into it with them when you know you are going to win and when you can practically carry out your consequence (no shoes = no park). Also bare in mind Twin Escalation Syndrome, it’s totally a thing. You will no doubt know people with children who will give you advice on how to do things, but if they haven’t had twins I don’t think they appreciate the level of crazy we have to deal with. Shouting over two screaming children who aren’t paying you the blindest bit of attention is not a relaxing experience so don’t try.

I’d definitely recommend some gentle parenting, especially for twins. Makes life so much easier and calmer for everyone. I think we can feel almost defective in some way if we’re not overflowing with motherly goodness 100% of the time. I had many moments when I would happily have left the house for the day which I would then feel guilty about.

It absolutely gets easier as they get older and you will get to a point when it all just starts to get more enjoyable.

The first 12 months is really hard, whatever your circumstances.

It broke me, and I only had 1. You’ve got TWINS- give yourself a break. It’s soul destroying.

Is dropping to 4 days a week an option so you get a break, while the nanny is with the children?

I’m currently on sick leave with PND (eventually diagnosed after using work PM when my DS was nearly 2). I’ve had CBT and take 50mg of sertraline. I highly recommend it. You may well have PND- GPs aren’t always good at spotting it, and it manifests itself in different ways.

Good luck- and be kind to yourself. You’ll get there, and one day I promise you won’t feel like this anymore. I enjoy it now; but it took me a long time to get here. Speak to your doctor.

Oh I hear you @Therunawaytraincamedown .... I have 18mo twin boys, and a 2.5yr old too. The 2.5yr old is a BREEZE compared to the twins right now. In the last couple of months I swear they make plans up daily to tip me over the edge! One twin snatches toys from both his twin and older brother constantly, I'm desperate for them to just snatch back!

I just think this bit is HARD, and lots of other bits will get hard too.

One day at a time, I bet you're doing a great job x

I think we need a twin toddlers support thread.

Today at play group mine ignored all the toys and instead sat flinging and eating soil out of the planters. Then at home did the same and essentially slaughtered all my baby seedlings. No doubt I'll find one in his poo.

My twins are 7 I promise it gets better once school starts x
Mine were third time ivfs too and I used to feel guilty feeling so tired and down but it is hard work xx

Three under three here
I find it a misery until they hit 4, albeit less and less of a misery from three.
I think some of us just aren't baby and toddler types. Hang in there, you will get through this, and it does get far, far more enjoyable.
Oh, and we had a high needs, overly sensitive, crier too. Unless you've had one like that, you won't know how bloody hard it is. Ours would wake up from every nap, not happy, but crying. Hiccups, crying for half hour. Had to get shoes on, crying. And so on. It's draining, so draining. It does improve and sensitive ones like that go on to be empathetic, kind and full of personality.
You're right in the hardest bit now but it will be worth it, keep going, you're doing great.

Twins are really tough going, mine are now 4 and I still find it really hard.
I’m a single parent and their dad has been useless from the start, I’ve never had any help. My friends disappeared and my family just think I should get on with it without help.
It has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Mentally and physically. My singleton was 3 when my twins were born and he was a joy from the start I loved it, and I thought I’d love being a twin mum.
Mine are about to start school in September and I feel so guilty for not having enjoyed them like I did my first.
Sorry this probably doesn’t help, I’m just letting you know that you’re not alone in feeling the way you do. I always say if I could go back in time I’d lower my expectations and remind myself how I’ve come this far and how well looked after they are.
The house will look like a bombs hit it, you will be constantly tired and it will feel like no one understands but the days, months and years will fly by.
You’re doing amazing, you’ve got this

I think you have another year-ish of things being the way they are now. Around 2.5 things improved massively for us. The twins started sleeping properly and reliably, started nursery, became more reasonable. As their speech improves, they fight, scream and whinge less. It's really really hard work and 18 months is the pinnacle of 1.5 years of struggling. Mine are now 3 and together with my 4 year old are a pretty fun team (when the twins are not whinging).

Hang in there.

I work full time and we have a nanny during the day. DH job is flexible so he does Friday childcare and I do Sunday to save money, so weekends aren't any kind of break except Saturday when we are together - and even that day is really hard.

I had a period of working like that with very little down time and I screamed at the kids all the time. You need more time to decompress.

Maybe periods of divide and conquer (split them up) might help? Having just one is so much easier that you can spend some quality time with them and really enjoy them instead of being overwhelmed and outnumbered by two.

Maybe take one each on a Saturday. Ask the nanny to come for a few hours on a Sunday and spend quality time with each one. Maybe ask the grandparents to have one (maybe they're not comfortable with two, but one would be more manageable). Could they go to pre-school/nursery for separate sessions etc?

@Gemma2019

I've got B/G twins. It was hellish from birth until they started school, great for a decade and turned to shit again when they became teenagers.

The toddler years with twins are brutal. Just do whatever you can to get you through it.

@Gemma2019 has nailed it. This has been my experience too :/ Enjoy the good times when they happen, hang on through the bad parts - it's all a phase and life will get better 🤞(I'm counting the months until mine leave for uni).

Twin toddlers and you work full time!!!
My hat goes off to you ( bows down).
I'm sure you're doing a fantastic job and you're the only one who can't see it.
No advice, just encouragement from me