Page 2 | To despair of ever enjoying my twin toddlers?

ivfgottwins · 02/07/2021 00:21

I work full time have 5 month old twins and a 5 year old...... so if you are working and have a nanny in the week what time do you have together? Do they sleep through? Are you saying you are struggling the one full day you have with them ie the Sunday? I don't really get why you have split the care with your husband that way? Why not just share the load every week day evening and the 2 weekends? Surely that takes the pressure and "fear" away that you are building up for "your" day?

TorchesTorches · 02/07/2021 00:23

I don't have twins but 2 with a small gap. Also no help/respite.. Brutal. Much much harder than paid work. Not helped by MIL informing me that my kids ages were the loveliest ages (when I was clearly struggling and finding it hell.)

When I had gone through 2 years of hell I asked a friend when it got easier and she said when youngest turns 3. She was right. Not an overnight change, but more a subtle daily improvement. It felt very far away when she initially said it, but it did help change my attitude. Its OK to struggle and find it joyless. It's basically very very hard. It will get better. Looking back, I wished I got myself more breaks. (Babysitter , paid childcare etc). You need this to gather strength.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/07/2021 00:27

@ivfgottwins

I work full time have 5 month old twins and a 5 year old...... so if you are working and have a nanny in the week what time do you have together? Do they sleep through? Are you saying you are struggling the one full day you have with them ie the Sunday? I don't really get why you have split the care with your husband that way? Why not just share the load every week day evening and the 2 weekends? Surely that takes the pressure and "fear" away that you are building up for "your" day?

At a rough guess Mon-Sat 6pm-whenever they finally go to sleep after a full day at work. Intermittent periods overnight when they wake where you get no solid lumps of sleep. 6-8am minus a 5 minute shower. So 14/24 hours. All day Sunday.

CimCardashian · 02/07/2021 00:30

18 months is a really difficult age,and that’s just if you have 1 let alone twins.

I promise you it will get easier. My two (not twins) are much older (13 and 11) but I can barely remember those early years now. My son was SO clingy which was very suffocating.

Also,it must have been extra hard having little ones over the last couple of years.

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 02/07/2021 00:42

No personal experience of twins, sorry, but my friend with twins always says 2.5 was when she began to see the light. They're almost 4 now and still drive her crazy sometimes but it's attitude, whining and not sharing rather than running headlong into the road.

ExhaustedFlamingo · 02/07/2021 00:45

Twins is an experience which is totally unlike having one baby at a time. Even if someone has two close together, it’s nothing like having twins. Twins are HARD. And there’s so much pressure to enjoy motherhood- it can leave you questioning yourself when you’re finding it a slog.

It does get better. It really does. I found gentle parenting was the way to go. No point getting bothered about stuff that doesn’t matter. Just go with the flow and get through it however you can. By nursery/school age, things get easier.

I’ve got 11yr old autistic twins and I remember those early years really stretching me. Going on holiday to Cornwall looked like we were moving house because we had to take so much stuff for two little ones 😂😂 Nothing seemed easy. I have rose tinted glasses but my DP is always quick to remind me it was hell whenever I get broody 🙄😂

ivfgottwins · 02/07/2021 00:50

@SleepingStandingUp

So if OP works till 6pm and the twins are in bed for say 7pm that's 1 hour? So is that shared between OP and her DH do they do difficult bed times together? To be honest just co sleep / go to bed when they do - you got to do what you have to to make it through these early years whether you have a Singleton twins or triplets?

And as for all day Sunday.... why does it have to be "his" day on Friday and "hers" on a Sunday? Why isn't it all just "theirs" - it's like a single parent custody agreement except that they all live together under the same roof - it's clearly leading to OP to dread the day all week and make her fear that one day leading to the outburst she described?

SleepingStandingUp · 02/07/2021 01:54

I agree re the weekend but your "it's just one hour, just cosleep" would be laughable in our house. No way will my two cosleep, and certainly not together. One has, I think, night terrors. This is the second time I've been up to him tonight. My sleep pattern is decimated. 18 months is so different to 5 months. At 5 months they didn't even go up they slept downstairs til whenever I went to bed and woke once or twice for food. Now they can wake every two hours screaming and when they do end up on bed with us, want to just up and down not lie and snuggle. Op is saying he's massively struggling so I'd make a good guess they're more like my two than the "they just sing each other to sleep and go through for 12 hours" type. "Just do...." is so dismissive of what she's saying she's struggling with

tcjotm · 02/07/2021 02:25

I read it as her husband’s job is flexible so he takes Friday off and works on Sunday instead. So OP is working on Friday as normal, both have Saturday off and he does his job on Sunday while she has the twins alone (and this way they only need the nanny Monday - Thursday). It would cost them the Friday in childcare to get the full weekend together. At least that’s how I understood it.

momtoboys · 02/07/2021 02:32

@Therunawaytraincamedown

Our twins are 18 months old and were our miracles after three cycles of IVF and being told we might never have children. Since they were born I've really struggled and have found it so difficult looking after them. DD is a particularly sensitive child and it just feels like she cries all the time. The tiniest thing can happen (eg DS takes her toy/bumps into her) and she'll scream for half an hour. She's been assessed by paediatric team and no health concerns - it's just personality. I feel like I've been waiting for it to get easier since the moment we brought them home, but it just hasn't. I've been told so many ages when it will get easier (6 weeks, 12 weeks, 6 months, a year, when they start walking...) but here I am 18 months on still dreading the time I spend with them 😞 one of them is always crying or fussing about something and it just makes me feel so tense and I can't stand the noise. They are a bit better when they're out so I take them out as much as possible but that's also exhausting. We've had very little help with them although we have lovely parents who live nearby they aren't very hands on and especially with covid they don't have a strong relationship with the kids yet and aren't confident looking after them. DH is very supportive and hands on dad but I'm still not coping. A week ago I lost it and started screaming and shouting at the kids to stop screaming as I just couldn't stand it anymore. I work full time and we have a nanny during the day. DH job is flexible so he does Friday childcare and I do Sunday to save money, so weekends aren't any kind of break except Saturday when we are together - and even that day is really hard. I feel so guilty for not being able to enjoy this time with my children but honestly I spend quite a lot of time wishing they weren't around and wondering if I made a terrible terrible mistake. And then feeling guilty for thinking that and I'm crying just writing this. Can anyone share a similar experience and tell me that it actually does get better 😢 sorry for writing such a long post

Oh, Train, I completely understand. I have two sets of twins but they were born after my singleton birth (who was a real challenge as an infant) so maybe I just had the hang of it by then. It's awfully hard but it really does get better. Before you know if they will be playing together and more independent. I'm so sorry you are struggling but completely get it!'

Original poster

Therunawaytraincamedown · 02/07/2021 05:31

Wow thank you so much for all the responses. It's so good to hear from people who have been there - I really do often feel like the only parent in the world who finds it so difficult, and I don't have any other friends who have twins. Yes, I work Friday and DH works Sunday - that was the only way we could afford a nanny. It's not only the Sunday I dread, it's the hours before and after work as well, when they are always so cranky - and we do those hours together mostly. PP who said they also had a crier - thank you! DD wakes up crying from every single sleep, night and day, and doesn't calm down for ages. I like the suggestion of taking one at a time on Saturday so will try that for a few hours and see if it helps. They are starting nursery in August and I'm going to have a few days while they're in nursery and I'm not working so I'll try to recharge a bit then and once they start nursery it will be Mon-Fri and we'll both have weekends off. It's good to hear that it will get easier in about a year so different from my friends with one baby though!! And no they definitely will not co sleep!! And I have sometimes crawled into bed as soon as they're down and just gone to sleep but it's not a sustainable thing to do every day...

OP posts:

Original poster

Therunawaytraincamedown · 02/07/2021 05:45

I have wondered if I have PND but tbh it feels like there are very logical reasons for feeling down all the time: sleeping really badly for nearly two years (including the end of the pregnancy when I couldn't sleep); and when I'm awake having two cranky dictators climbing all over me and whining at me! I'm not down when I'm at work, I feel in control and I'm very successful. And things I try hard at actually produce rewards - unlike trying to keep my children entertained, stimulated and happy which I've been trying to do unsuccessfully since they were born.

OP posts:

tickingthebox73 · 02/07/2021 05:58

Just an observation from someone who also worked full time when my eldest was small....Its utterly impossible. I nearly had a breakdown and dropped to 2 days a week, and my goodness the difference.

Since then I have basically varied between 3 and 5 days a week, but every time I go back to 5 days I nearly break. With older kids now 4-4.5 days is manageable and I can do 5 days a week for longer periods, but essentially you have to have some time "off" unless you are superwoman.

PS I had a nanny, and a cleaner too and only one baby at a time.

DSGBT · 02/07/2021 06:25

My twins are 3.5 now. They started nursery in September and do a few hours every morning and that makes it so much better! I get 2 hours peace each morning and that is saving me One is very clingy and moany and that makes it hard but it is so much better than when they were smaller. Twins are just bloody relentless. I agree with the divide and conquer approach, I sometimes even do it at home e.g one has an ipad or tv whilst I paint or play jigsaws with one then we switch.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 02/07/2021 07:59

I'm going to say 5 is when they get more manageable. But they still have their moments!

toomuchtooold · 02/07/2021 08:40

@tickingthebox73

Just an observation from someone who also worked full time when my eldest was small....Its utterly impossible. I nearly had a breakdown and dropped to 2 days a week, and my goodness the difference.

Since then I have basically varied between 3 and 5 days a week, but every time I go back to 5 days I nearly break. With older kids now 4-4.5 days is manageable and I can do 5 days a week for longer periods, but essentially you have to have some time "off" unless you are superwoman.

PS I had a nanny, and a cleaner too and only one baby at a time.

Just to give the other point of view on that... I dropped to 3 days work a week when my twins were 2 but I found it was actually worse, because looking after them was considerably harder than my work, and also, work itself got worse because I was always playing catch-up in my three days on all the stuff that had happened when I wasn't there.

EmeraldShamrock · 02/07/2021 08:44

I love twins. I don't have any I'd imagine it's tough going.
You really will enjoy them soon, not everyone enjoys the baby/toddler part.
My youngest is 6. I feel re-born.

MatildaTheCat · 02/07/2021 08:51

This sounds so hard.

I’m going to suggest that you talk to your parents and DH to his, telling them you are struggling and asking if they might be able to offer some extra support. Maybe having you over on Sunday afternoons and taking the twins for a walk or we’ll, anything that gives you a bit of respite. The grandparents might actually enjoy the chance to get to know them better after such a horrible start thanks to Covid.

Even the fussiest babies usually calm down eventually. In the meantime cut yourself some slack and do whatever you have to to reduce the crying.

HermioneKipper · 02/07/2021 09:27

Huge solidarity and support @Therunawaytraincamedown. Mine are just the same. It’s awful most of the time isn’t it. My singleton was such a breeze, twins is just on a different scale altogether. I don’t particularly enjoy them either. It’s just constant graft. Am counting down until they get their free hours at nursery and I can send them everyday

ThatWasCrazy · 02/07/2021 09:31

It's SO hard at that age. I have found with mine between about 9m and 18m the absolute pits. Crawling/toddling without any direction or sense of danger, not following any kind of instruction or incentive, not playing properly, not able to talk or communicate, crying or whining all day long, destroying the house. God the list goes on. I've had 2 (not twins) and I'm due my 3rd and the age yours are at is the age I'm dreading most.

It slowly improves over time and now my 5yo is a complete doddle.

Hang in there!

Koala3d · 02/07/2021 09:40

I have boy twins who are 2 1/2 now (they were also really early which was its own stress). They are my favourite people in the world and are utterly fabulous but it is so hard. Know that twins are extreme sport parenting and we’re doing it in a pandemic too!
Try and take them out every day even if it’s just to go round the supermarket in the trolley or to the playground it really helps.

A twin mum told me when mine were tiny to take them out everyday because if you do someone will tell you your doing a great job and every day you’ll need to hear it. She was right!

It all gets better when they can talk more. In the meantime invest in tea sets and huge flip chart paper for drawing and balls - things they can do together rather than fight over.

I am trying to spend more time with them 1 on 1 but it is so challenging to do. Mine are starting nursery in September- dreading it but also CANNOT WAIT

SleepingStandingUp · 02/07/2021 12:03

It's good to hear that it will get easier in about a year shock so different from my friends with one baby though!! I'm glad it made you feel better @Therunawaytraincamedown, it made me want to cry 🤣. Today we grabbed breakfast in Morrisons. They both screamed when the banana ran out and then T1 proceeded to throw most of his bun on the floor in pieces.

itsnotmeitsu · 02/07/2021 21:30

I commented earlier on in the thread, 'It will get better, believe me. This is what you're going through now, not your whole future'. What I didn't write was that I was a twin myself. To me, all the stuff you're going through, OP, would also apply if you'd only got one toddler. Eventually twins rely on each other, and a parent may then miss that time when they solely relied on them.

It's such a shock to the system, becoming a parent for the first time, because your whole life changes. It takes a lot of time to adjust. It will become more normal.

HermioneKipper · 03/07/2021 10:32

@itsnotmeitsu do you have twins yourself? Yes i know you’re a twin but parenting twins is not the same.

It doesn’t apply to having one toddler at all. Having twins is a completely different kettle of fish. I know this as I also have an older child. Twins fight over everything, cry and want comforting at the same time, hurt eachother, egg eachother on and ramp eachother up constantly. Unless you have twins you have no idea and no parent of multiples would ever say ‘it’s the same as if you only had one toddler’

Im confident your point applies though and it will get easier. Bloody hard at the time though and doesn’t help people saying stuff like “you’ll miss it when they’re older” 🙄

itsnotmeitsu · 03/07/2021 21:01

@HermioneKipper > No I don't have twins, thank God. And you've misquoted me twice in your post. I never said, and certainly don't believe, that having twins is the same as having one toddler. I also did not say that a parent would 'miss it when they're older'. If you're going to quote me please copy and paste my actual comments.

To quote you, "Twins fight over everything, cry and want comforting at the same time, hurt eachother, egg eachother on and ramp eachother up constantly." If you have twins that may be your twins' behaviour but, as a twin myself, I don't recognise that description of myself and my sibling. We didn't 'fight over everything', need comforting at the same time, or 'hurt each other' and 'egg each other on', anymore than any other siblings close in age do.

Aside from that I can certainly agree that being landed with two newborns, who eventually become two toddlers at the same time, must be incredibly hard work.