To despair of ever enjoying my twin toddlers?

[Therunawaytraincamedown]

Our twins are 18 months old and were our miracles after three cycles of IVF and being told we might never have children. Since they were born I've really struggled and have found it so difficult looking after them. DD is a particularly sensitive child and it just feels like she cries all the time. The tiniest thing can happen (eg DS takes her toy/bumps into her) and she'll scream for half an hour. She's been assessed by paediatric team and no health concerns - it's just personality. I feel like I've been waiting for it to get easier since the moment we brought them home, but it just hasn't. I've been told so many ages when it will get easier (6 weeks, 12 weeks, 6 months, a year, when they start walking...) but here I am 18 months on still dreading the time I spend with them 😞 one of them is always crying or fussing about something and it just makes me feel so tense and I can't stand the noise. They are a bit better when they're out so I take them out as much as possible but that's also exhausting. We've had very little help with them although we have lovely parents who live nearby they aren't very hands on and especially with covid they don't have a strong relationship with the kids yet and aren't confident looking after them. DH is very supportive and hands on dad but I'm still not coping. A week ago I lost it and started screaming and shouting at the kids to stop screaming as I just couldn't stand it anymore. I work full time and we have a nanny during the day. DH job is flexible so he does Friday childcare and I do Sunday to save money, so weekends aren't any kind of break except Saturday when we are together - and even that day is really hard. I feel so guilty for not being able to enjoy this time with my children but honestly I spend quite a lot of time wishing they weren't around and wondering if I made a terrible terrible mistake. And then feeling guilty for thinking that and I'm crying just writing this. Can anyone share a similar experience and tell me that it actually does get better 😢 sorry for writing such a long post

I don't think it gets easier as such, it is more that you start to enjoy time spent with them more. I was a SAHM with an older toddler and to start with I was really scared of being left alone with all three, but slowly I tried to turn things to our mutual advantage rather than trying to have a preconceived idea of what a good day was. Yes to getting out but also yys to quiet time spent pottering with them and not trying to get things "done".
One of mine has autism (now at uni), the other was extremely tantrummy and hypersensitive (not autistic). Eventually you just work out what makes them happier and easier to live with.
You need to reduce your working hours or your husband does..it really matters that you get some sort of break while they are at nursery.
Could you have PND or a vitamin deficiency? I certainly did...but sleep was so important and if you are at work and catching up all the time you get no rest. I used to nap in the afternoon to cope with broken nights. Mine did alternately co sleep but had their own bedtimes cots etc. It was musical beds. A happy time in one level though traumatic on another. They needed me twice as much as a singleton because they only got half as much attention if that makes sense.
They fought and then loved playing together.

I also did a lot of attachment parenting and I think it did help make ME happier calmer.
I also think it worth having counselling if you have experienced infertility because there is a strong sense of guilt and failure and even anger and resentment behind the "success" of twins. And after all they aren't a "prize" they are babies.with their own plans..been through this myself, IVF leaves scars

You must be exhausted. Could you cut your hours dramatically for at least a couple of years?

Thank you so much to everyone for the replies and support. I wouldn't be able to cut down working hours and also pay for full time childcare so if I worked less I would be looking after the children more - and that's the part that I find difficult, not the working. Work is my only 'break'. I'm hoping that when they start nursery full time and we have the whole weekend together that I'll be able to have a bit more me time. So great to hear from other parents who have twins and to feel less alone xx

Good to know you can remember your own behaviour at 18 months and I’m sure you and your twin were dream toddlers @Therunawaytraincamedown who never fought over anything or cried at the same time. I might need your parents’ contact details as I’m clearly going horribly wrong somewhere. Luckily all the other parents of multiples I know with children of the same age are saying exactly the same thing.

And yep, totally misquoted you saying that it’s like only having one toddler then … “To me, all the stuff you're going through, OP, would also apply if you'd only got one toddler.”

And that a parent would miss it later - “Eventually twins rely on each other, and a parent may then miss that time when they solely relied on them.”

Apologies - must work on my comprehension skills.

I don't have twins but have small age gap and was exhausted when they were tiny despite both being good sleepers.

I was back at work when DD was 5 months & DS was 6 months.

I think you might find it easier when they are at nursery rather than home. There will be more stimulation for them and you will also be able to focus better on work if they're not home with the nanny.

I think it's easier when they're out of nappies, they can feed themselves & they can communicate what's going on. So hang on in there.

Another one here who didn't have twins (you deserve some sort of medal for that!) but my DDs are a little under a year apart and it was TOUGH. Crazy tough. I felt everything you describe (and worse, much worse at times). It absolutely does get better, you're in the worst stage. Probably seems a million miles off right now but when they're at the preschool/school age it's much better. I only started to enjoy them when they were at preschool, up until that point it was simply an endurance test. Hang in there

I have just-turned-3yo twins and a 5yo.

I used to hate Sundays. I felt disappointed every Sunday night that I hadn't done more or enjoyed the day more, and guilty at sort of wanting to go to work but equally not... The mess! And the bloody logistics of everything! I couldn't even read them a story without one wailing and the other pulling the book out of my hands. And the no bloody sleeping.

They are much more manageable and fun now, since about 2.5yo. All three get on better and the small ones can talk and tell you what they want, say 'thank you' and 'I love you' which is just adorable. It'll come right.

I used to think that if it weren't for their silky fat cheeks and starfish hands that I'd sell them. Almost.

I think when they were about 24 months I realised how adorable they were. Someone once said to me as I walked down the road I looked like a mother duck with her ducklings following after and that was the first time I considered that actually we were managing quite well...a positive affirmation if you like.
Part of feeling low is that you might feel you are an imposter as a mother. You aren't, your twins are very very attached to you and they depend on you, you are their mother. It helps to realise you are an important person to them, as well as in your job. They are just babies they don't mean to complain and cry and show "disapproval"....it isn't because they don't like you, possibly the opposite.

I just came across this thread again and wanted to update in case anyone else finds it and it mirrors their own experience. First of all just a thanks to all the lovely people who wrote such heartwarming things on here which I've just read again. My twins are coming up to two and a half now and although things are really tough, they are just SO much easier than they were nearly a year ago when I started this thread. As they started talking and communicating better my DD's crying drastically reduced and she is now a funny, delightful, mostly happy, sensitive child. Since they've started to talk I've just begun to feel absolute love for them when I have a conversation with them or they say something funny or they try to make a joke, and it makes all the difference. Looking back I am certainly not a baby person and I still struggle when they have toddler meltdowns (daily) but there are so many things we can do with them now which they love doing (going out, seeing people, parks, swimming, soft play) and it makes all the difference. They're at nursery full time now since September and it has been brilliant for them although they are super cranky at bedtime because they are sooo tired. But every morning I'm delighted to see their squishy faces again and give them big hugs. I don't want anyone reading to think it isn't difficult anymore - it is still the hardest thing I've ever done and much harder than my paid job! But it is also beginning to be rewarding and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you again to all those who tried to help me in the dark times. DH and I both look back and think we could never ever do it again - it felt like actual hell on earth for about two years. Onwards and upwards!

Ah Therunawaytraincamedown , that's so good to hear! Mine just turned 4 and they are terrific fun 90% of the time. I told you last year it would come right and I can tell you now, you've got lovely days to come. 🤗

My twins are the same age as yours OP. I've had an exhausting afternoon with them so I opened this thread just to find a fellow sufferer! ... but reading your original post and update has reminded me that indeed, horrors though they can be, they are SO MUCH easier than a year ago!

Mine have just stopped napping, so my next two goals are potty training and ditching the wagon buggy. We will get there 🙌

My twins are 13 now and I know it probably rings hollow for you at the moment - but it really really does get better.

Lovely update OP. Being a parent is by far the hardest thing and it must be even more difficult having twins. All we can do
Is cherish the nice bits! All the best to you and yours

Can't believe I both missed OP's last update AND the date the original post was made!

@Therunawaytraincamedown I'm glad things are on the up for you.

I felt much the same as you with my twins. Much as I love them it was utter hell. They were like untameable, screaming wild animals and none of the "helpful advice" actually helped. I genuinely thought I might not survive, and I'm not being melodramatic, I genuinely felt that way.
It does get much, much better, I promise. This is a difficult stage in their lives that you just have to get through. Mine are teenagers now and those awful days are long gone.
I don't think you necessarily have pnd as people are suggesting. Your distress is a normal reaction to the incredible strain you're under, not an illness to be medicated.

Dammit, I didn't realise this was an old thread. Sorry! Fantastic update!

Thanks for the update OP! My twins are two months old and I hated reading your original post so the update was very welcome. Twin mums are always keen to offer an age at which they get easier (which is great - it’s nice to have a deadline to the madness) but actually I suspect (hope!?) the reality is that they get a tiny bit easier each day.

Ah brilliant! Great update

Sorry to hear you're feeling like this.

Maybe your parents could take one to start with for a bit and that would mean you'd have one on one time with the other. I imagine that would feel less daunting for them. Then slowly build up.

Didn't see the date 😐Fab update. Well done to you!!

Jumping on to say well done and as the mum of muck older twins I can say it does get easier.. or I just got used to it ! Not sure which one ! Boundaries are important .. ours even make a line down the middle of a shared yard to clean .. but if it works for them it works for us!

Much not muck !

How are you and your twins now OP? x

Twins get better when they are slightly older than yours and they can play together. Mine are now 10 and fight a lot, but before that, for years, they played with each other and it was great. When they were babies one of them cried non-stop. When that one grew out of it, the other one started. Sometimes twins fill the space the other one vacates. It’s hard.