Is what I said really out of order?

[sparklingwater1]

Hi all looking for some advice if I’ve acted out of line here. Happy to be told I am and apologise to the parties involved or stand my ground if necessary. Will give all background I think is relevant and happy to give more if asked. Long one…

So me and exDH split up 6 years ago when I was pregnant with DS2. My mum and Dad have been a rock for me and have helped me out with the kids loads. I have 2 children aged 8 and 5. ExDH is a bit Disney dad, sees the kids once every 2 weeks and they have fun. My mum and dad take the kids overnight once a week. My mum also watches the children while I’m at work, I pay her for it, similar to that of a childminder so not a small amount.

I was in a long term relationship for the past 4 years and split up 5 months ago…very amicable split no issues at all. Since the split my mum has been round my house lots she gives the place a quick clean, puts a wash on and potters around the garden all while I’m at work. She says it’s to “earn her keep” as the children are in school 9-3 referring to the money I’m paying to her.

Lately though it’s getting a bit much, she’s rearranging my cupboards, I put a dress that I had lost buttons on in the bin and I found it washed and hung up (she seen it in a bag of rubbish and thought it was a mistake it was there 🤷🏻‍♀️)all while I’m at work. If I open a bottle of wine she’ll make comments like “oh have a drink last night did we?” etc.

Dad as well has been round in the shed, in the loft “checking things out” all while I’m at work.

I came down the other morning with the kids (summer holidays here) and she’s out the back painting the fence because “she had left over paint to use.” Absolutely fine by me but again I just wished she had asked because I don’t actually like the colour but she had started at 6:30am when we were all still in bed.

She popped in and I made her toast and tea and was tidying up putting paperwork away and yes the cupboard I keep all that in is the cupboard all the “stuff” goes in. She said “we will get a day and go through that” and then she’s telling me all the stuff she wants to do to my garden and dad is coming “to take my shed down” apparently…it’s old yes but it does a job and I can’t afford a new one. When I said it’s fine just to leave it, she said “no you don’t need to be here we’ll just suit ourselves” I told her I didn’t want her or my dad here when I wasn’t, they wouldn’t do it to my brothers house and I certainly wouldn’t do it to theirs so why should they have free reign at my place? Well that’s it…I’m stubborn, ungrateful and expect people to do things for me etc.

I’ve said that I don’t think there’s anything unreasonable in saying please don’t come round my house/ garden etc when I’m not here. Apparently I’m accusing them of spying on me. I don’t always say “thank you mum” every single day if she’s put a wash on for me but I take her out at least once a month for afternoon tea or for a lunch etc and I always make a point of saying it’s a thanks for what she does to help me. Bearing in mind she tells me she does this because of the money I pay her, I’ve never asked or expected her to do anything and I know she’s helping and do appreciate it.

So today has ended up in a massive row and I don’t know if I am being unreasonable in saying what I said or if I’m quite right and they’re being overbearing. I have apologised to her as she got upset and I never intended to upset her but I’ve said that I don’t think there’s anything wrong in what I said?!

Happy for different perspectives, all I can see is my own point of view. Thank you in advance.

YANBU but perhaps you could soften the blow for them by actually leaving a list of jobs you do want doing .

WOW.

She needs to understand what the word 'boundaries' means.

TBH it’s clear that you’ve let this situation evolve into what it is now.

If you were uncomfortable with her coming in and cleaning/putting the washing on why didn’t you tell her that in the beginning? Why did it have to get to the point where they are acting as if this is their house because you’ve let them think it is, iyswim?

My parents can be a bit like this, but they live 150 miles away so they’re not here that often. But if they come over then my dad will automatically bring the hedge trimmer to cut the hedge, or will go out and mow my lawn if I haven’t done it. My mum will wipe a few crumbs off the side etc when she comes in even if I’ve already cleaned the kitchen.

In the beginning I used to take it personally. But truth is they do it because I am their daughter and they want to be there for me.

2 years ago I couldn’t walk from my kitchen to my lounge because of my heart condition. My dad used to drive the 150 miles here and back to take me to a 10 minute hospital appointment to check my INR (blood thickness) because I was refused by a taxi because of my guide dog.

When I went into hospital they moved into my house for 3 months because I ended up nearly dying, and they were there when my DS was doing his GCSE’s, so had to contend with a teenager as well.

And they did it all without being asked to. So if my dad wants to come round and cut the grass on occasion then crack on as far as I’m concerned and I am grateful rather than annoyed.

But if this doesn’t work for you then you need to reset the boundaries between you, and that may mean not having your DM doing your childcare.

So you're paying her for the time the children are at school as well??

Op, often it’s not what we say but how we say it and perhaps that’s what she found upsetting.

Yes, of course I understand your situation. In fact, you remind me of two of my SILs. They have similarly close relationships with their parents, similar levels of dependency, have similar issues regarding boundaries. It’s very difficult listening to them complain about their parents without imagining them as teenage girls saying “get out of my room”! But, they are both very very lucky to have such loving parents and grandparents for their DC’s. It’s so important not to jeopardise that, as there’s little more so precious in life as loving and supporting family.

It’s not easy asserting yourself, sometimes, while treading a balance. You have to see your parents as people, before you see them as parents. In fact, your parents might not know who they are outside of being parents and grandparents. So, it’s w conversation that you need to have. It’s not a matter for the issuance of diktats. All parties need to work towards a solution, everyone has to give a bit. The key is to maintain the closeness. If anything has to give, it’s the practical help you get. That’s not as important as good relations within the family.

Good luck OP. I’m sure you’ll be just fine.

I can sympathise with your mum a bit I think, as I sometimes worry I'm like that with some close friends - wanting to help them out but potentially overstepping boundaries sometimes. With these friends they work and have small children and freely say they are overwhelmed at times, especially with household jobs, so visiting to help out with the kids and do some jobs is welcomed, we're in a routine of that a couple of times a week. If they're away and I visit to feed their cats, I do some extra house jobs. It seems unfair to me, who has spare time, to sit around at home bored when I could be doing something useful for them like cleaning the kitchen when it's been left full of washing up that couldn't get done in the rush before a trip, or tidying toys away so the house is a bit more sorted to come back to. And if there's several loads of laundry piled up, doing some for them gives them a head start on the holiday washing. They know I'm doing it though!

Perhaps it seems too much at the moment, but they care and love you.
Sit them down and quietly and kindly explain how you feel. Having lost my parents at an early age, I still crave their company and support and I am 73. One day you will look back and wish you could have these times again. Good Luck

I think you need to accept that by accepting your mothers help with childcare- even though you are paying her - and then accepting her cleaning/washing at your house - even though you are paying her - you are keeping them in the parent role and you in the child, not them in the grandparent role and you as the primary "mother" of the family.

You can have a chat, but expect them to see your household jobs as theirs to do and you as the child still.

You said you are paying them childminder rates, and through the day when your dcs are at school. So you aren't gaining anything from this arrangement really.

I would move your dcs to a professional childminder- most won't charge you through the day when your dcs are at school. Use the extra to pay a cleaner.

You might find this harder than just accepting your parents doing it all. This is the 'cost' that goes with their help.

I know a woman who had her mother childminding.They where always in and out of her house.
Her child in in her 20s now and her parents are still in and out.
I would hate that,its too interfering.

You're not wrong, stand your ground OP, best to not have her doing this 'extra' stuff without it being previously discussed at all.

Sorry folks I've been out in the sunshine with the kids.

I haven't read all replies but will and will get back properly tomorrow.

I've spoken to dad who seems very aware on their part of the issues and straight away apologised and said they never intended for me to feel like this, they genuinely wanted to make my life easier. I spoke to my brother earlier on who I know has spoken to them today which I think has made them see my perspective a bit better. Mum is coming over for a wee lunch tomorrow and we will set some boundaries and come up with a new plan but I know it's equally important for her to have her say as well.

Thank you all for both perspectives I do appreciate it honestly and please believe me when I say I know how incredibly lucky I am to have such a support system around me...it just gets a bit overwhelming 🙈

**Sometimes they need reminding that they are your parents and you their daughter you are no longer a child and don't need parenting.

Oh I agree with this, similar but not as bad my parents overstepped the mark a few times .
The odd bit of washing you’ve not time to do etc obviously not expected but appreciated but occasionally they do more and more and kinda treat your house like their house and because you are not shouting how amazing they are and how lucky you are every 30 seconds your told how ungrateful you are and must never disagree with them because of how much they do .
Like others have said if it comes at a cost you’d rather they didn’t do x y z you haven’t asked and it’s not necessary.

I think a good way to put it is that you need to feel like an adult? That you're in your mid thirties and you realise that you need to start being responsible and making your own decisions about your house and garden, and looking after your own domestic needs? (Though of course you really value their help when it's needed)

That's not me judging you at all, it's just that parents need to produce functioning independent adults, and they might recognise that they are treating you like a child.

The pay I give her is for child care and if for example my DS got sent home she is a 5 minute walk from the school and it's much easier for her to get them than it is for me to try to get away from work and a 30 minute drive away. Obviously in an emergency I would leave. So it's like with a childminder you still pay for the time they're in school for that situation. At least that's how child minders I've spoken to work.

Ermmm no? You don't pay a childminder for all the time that your child's in school! Mine went to a childminder at the beginning and end of the day, and she'd have picked them up in an emergency. But I only paid for the hours they were with her, plus a very small amount extra (kind of rounded up). And of course if she did have to pick them up unexpectedly I'd have paid her extra.

You seem to be paying your mum extremely handsomely, and far more than you'd pay a childminder. No wonder she things she needs to do extra.

My mum is visiting me and basically has started running the joint

I feel so claustrophobic
She gets antsy if she’s not being useful
She’s literally pushing me out of the way to do jobs

I totally get it OP

Granny (63) here. I do at least two (long) days childcare, plus the odd sleepover and DH does a fair bit of DIY for our DD/SIL (all on request). I take no money, I provide food nappies etc.
I would not dream of meddling like your mum and dad, who may have the best intentions but are WAY out of line. Help or don’t help is how I see it - no strings, no meddling rights.

I know it's equally important for her to have her say as well.

Her say in what?
I hope you don't mean in your house and how it's run. That should be non-negotiable.

Perhaps ask her to do specific things, as a favour, such as hanging the washing, but making it clear that whatever you didn't ask, she shouldn't be doing without asking you first.

I've had a MIL rearrange kitchen cupboards, cook a thanksgiving meal and steamroll over me as if I was invisible and my own DP aren't interested in me like my other siblings-there's got to be a happy medium. I'm glad to hear you've spoken to your brother and father.

Sounds good that the air is getting cleared, when I read this from you:

I guess that's part of my problem it feels like they don't think i can work, look after the kids and run a house myself which just makes me feel a bit sad I guess.

I immediately felt really, that is all you need to say. As a child whose been there, and a parent trying not to be now, that is the most honest heartfelt and simple explanation of the feeling this behaviour can provoke I have read.

Good luck tomorrow

Good luck with lunch, im sure you'll sort it out

You seem very aware your mum is coming from a place of kindness and you are obviously keen to work it out.

I also pay my DM for childcare, she enjoys doing it (school pick up only) she appreciates the money and it's a massive weight off our shoulders knowing if anything happens with the kids she's there for them
She also does things like stick a wash on tidy up but I do get a bit paranoid when she does too much! Luckily she's never rocked up with a tin of paint but I'm sure she would if I asked.

Hopefully your mum has had her lunch by now and that you've both been able to set up whatever boundaries you need to in order for you both to be able to move on from this.

#FingersCrossed.