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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I just that type of person?

73 replies

imissguitarsolos · 01/07/2021 10:56

Name changed for this.

I recently have changed jobs and I got invited out for a meal by a woman on my new team I’ve got friendly with but haven’t yet met in person (not been into the office yet but have been chatting remotely)

She was going out with a couple others from my workplace last night but she’s the only one in my team and so asked if I wanted to come.

I was nervous as I didn’t know anyone else but pushed myself to go and be social and they were all friendly enough, but one woman just made me feel really uncomfortable. She was quite overbearing and I just got the impression she didn’t like me from the beginning.

She was the story teller of the table so everyone would be listening to her stories but when I had something to say she talked over me constantly. e.g she’d ask me a question and then either just talked over me or stopped listening half way through me talking and start talking to someone else. Once she just brought her phone out during me answering her question and started texting, so I stopped talking and then when she’d finished and I started talking again she said loudly ‘fucking hell this is taking a while!’ and roll eyes her eyes at the woman opposite. I thought yes because you keep interrupting me!

Then I noticed her screwing her nose up at things I said throughout the night at the woman opposite when I was speaking and when I asked certain questions I felt she laughed at me and brought it to others attention in a ‘look how stupid she is’ sort of way.

Also she kept forgetting my name or saying it wrong and she’d say (loud) sorry I’ve forgotten your name again and laugh.

I’m a fairly quiet and introverted person and to push myself out of my comfort zone like this was a big thing for me, but now I keep thinking over the night and how I don’t want to socialise with them again and put myself through feeling like the outsider.

I have always had a couple of close friends in life but always seem to be treated this way by other people. I was psychologically bullied by a group of girls in school and then was the ‘hanger on’ in Uni. I would always be talked over/excluded in groups and then in my last job I was in a lovely team and now I’ve moved on I just feel like the excluded girl again. I’m starting to think there’s something about me and who I am that makes others respond to me this way.

People say I’m friendly and bubbly and kind, so why then do I always get treated like I’m an after thought or just not worth people’s time? I keep feeling really teary today, I think it’s brought everything back. I keep asking myself why am I so worthless in people’s minds.

OP posts:
imissguitarsolos · 01/07/2021 10:59

I don’t actually know what I’m expecting out of this thread I just needed to get it out and also any tips or anything would be great Blush

OP posts:
romdowa · 01/07/2021 11:03

God that woman sounds absolutely vile! I'd have just stopped answering her questions and not given her a second opportunity to make fun. I'm so sorry that someone was that awful to you

MoreAloneTime · 01/07/2021 11:05

She sounds like a nasty person. I'd avoid talking to her as much as I could personally

cottongirl · 01/07/2021 11:07

I don't know why other people do this but I wanted to sympathise. This happens to me too. Someone I know through work actually asked to come to my house to see something and did the same to me sitting in my house! I hope others come along with some insights. I knew she was going to do this so I deliberately put it out of my mind, didn't go over and over it - deleted that hour from my mind! It's horrible though, I know.

imissguitarsolos · 01/07/2021 11:07

Thank you, I’m such a people pleaser, I’m trying to be better but I did just want to be liked and make friends in my new job. I think some people see me as a walk over so that’s why I attract people like this, I dunno?

Looking back I shouldn’t have answered her questions but it’s hard in the moment when you’re trying to fit in.

Thank you for your reply Flowers

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 01/07/2021 11:09

She’s a rude bully. Your new friend/ colleague should have warned you and stood up for you. The ‘forgetting you name’ thing is a classic sign of this.

Try to forget it and avoid her in future.

imissguitarsolos · 01/07/2021 11:10

@cottongirl

I don't know why other people do this but I wanted to sympathise. This happens to me too. Someone I know through work actually asked to come to my house to see something and did the same to me sitting in my house! I hope others come along with some insights. I knew she was going to do this so I deliberately put it out of my mind, didn't go over and over it - deleted that hour from my mind! It's horrible though, I know.
It’s crap isn’t it. I’m a people pleaser AND an over thinker (the worst combo) I keep replaying bits in my mind and being annoyed at myself for not acting more assertively.

I also thought my colleague would have said sorry about X today but she hasn’t.

OP posts:
imissguitarsolos · 01/07/2021 11:12

@MatildaTheCat

She’s a rude bully. Your new friend/ colleague should have warned you and stood up for you. The ‘forgetting you name’ thing is a classic sign of this.

Try to forget it and avoid her in future.

They are organising another get together soon and my colleague has said I can come, already thinking about ways to get out of it Sad
OP posts:
AmyandPhilipfan · 01/07/2021 11:14

She just sounds like a bitch. Even if you were droning on (not saying that you were) she should never have been so rude as to swear at you and roll her eyes about you at someone else! Sadly I think there are quite a lot of people like this who lack confidence in themselves in a way that means they have to be the centre of attention at all times and don’t quite know what to do when the spotlight is not on them! I hope the woman who actually invited you made an effort to include you all evening?

scrambledcustard · 01/07/2021 11:15

Well you kind of took her on when you pointedly stopped talking to the group when she was doing something on her phone, eye balled her, then started talking again when she put her phone down.

That would actually get my hackers up. She could have had a message of her babysitter, an important text that needed responding to or maybe she was just bored of what you were saying. You dont need to command a full audience when your speaking to a group.

She does sound over baring but some people are just like that and its just best to ignore rather than poking it like you did when she picked her phone up. That will be remembered more than anything.

Fitting in to a group of people is hard and tbh every one has a role. Leader, quiet one, loud one, the one people turn to, the funny one, the one that always has drama. When your invited to a group you should watch the dynamics and see where you fit in first - especially before doing what you did.

I think you have low self esteem from when you were bullied and feel overwhelmed when in group situations with people that you dont know too well so you naturally fall back in to the periphery of the group. Connect with the woman you know and just relax.

I changed my dc schools recently, at their own school I was in the PTA and was lead organiser for some of the events. I knew all the women socially and had a great time, spoke to most of the parents at pick up.At our new school its a different kettle of fish, the personalities are big and ties have already been established. Im on the periphery and tbh can't be arsed making new mum friends or even doing the PTA as ive got RL friends and im too old for this shit now

Have you at least got one solid good friendship? if you do - do worry about work 'friends'

Fistful · 01/07/2021 11:16

Well, this woman sounds deeply unpleasant, and I wouldn't give her any more thought other than not to socialise with her again, but if this kind of pattern genuinely runs through your social interactions — not just a one-off bully — then you’re of course right to identify yourself as the common denominator and ask what you can do to change it.

If you have this ingrained sense of yourself as an unwelcome and uninteresting hanger-on, is it possible this emerges in your manner when you’re out with people? Do you sound meek and apologetic, or does your body language say ‘I know I’m boring you’?

YelloYelloYello · 01/07/2021 11:17

I bet some of the other people think she’s a dick. I would go on this next one and spend the time working out if there was anyone else in the group I would get on with if she wasn’t there. If the answer is yes then just focus on friendships with those. If it’s no, start declining the invites - be honest and say you find X too overbearing. Life’s too short to put up with shit people.

imissguitarsolos · 01/07/2021 11:18

She just sounds like a bitch. Even if you were droning on (not saying that you were)

Well in a way I was as I was just trying to finish my sentence Grin

I hope the woman who actually invited you made an effort to include you all evening?

Yes but she was the other side of this woman so we sometimes I had to lean out into the table to speak to her but that annoyed this woman even more.

OP posts:
MoreAloneTime · 01/07/2021 11:21

Am I a twat for telling you to go and try to annoy this woman as much as possible Grin?

imissguitarsolos · 01/07/2021 11:21

Well you kind of took her on when you pointedly stopped talking to the group when she was doing something on her phone, eye balled her, then started talking again when she put her phone down.

I didn’t pointedly stop and eyeball her though Confused I probably didn’t make that but clear but at that particular point I was talking to just her and the woman opposite me. We were talking in a 3, she asked me about something and then I paused so she could answer her text. Just because I know I can’t talk and text, I wasn’t making a point.

OP posts:
HOkieCOkie · 01/07/2021 11:23

I’m the same or at least I feel the same things happen to me to.

finallymightbehappening · 01/07/2021 11:23

You could do with a bit of counselling op. I would say you often feel unsure of yourself in this setting. Sounds like she rubbed you up the wrong way by being loud and confident and you didn't fit in well into the group dynamic as a result. The passive aggressive waiting for her to finish looking at her phone is not necessary in a social situation and would have made others feel uncomfortable.

Sometimes people don't like each other. I was in a business meeting once where another woman kept doing fake smiles at me whenever she made a point. It was hugely aggressive and others noticed. I just carried on as normal. She was the one that wasn't instructed on the next deal.

longtompot · 01/07/2021 11:25

What an awful woman! Why do people have to do things like that? As for the next meet up I'd ask if she is going to be there and if the answer is yes I'd say no I won't be going.

finallymightbehappening · 01/07/2021 11:25

Also, sometimes you don't get a chance to finish your sentence. Conversations move on quickly and people lose interest too. You need to watch out for the early cues. I can be guilty of this and have taught myself not to be.

imissguitarsolos · 01/07/2021 11:26

The passive aggressive waiting for her to finish looking at her phone is not necessary in a social situation and would have made others feel uncomfortable.

I didn’t realise that’d be viewed as passive aggressive as she asked me the question, I just thought I’d wait until she had finished. I guess by that point I already felt uncomfortable with her there so made me nervous.

OP posts:
finallymightbehappening · 01/07/2021 11:27

Sorry just read your update. I get why you paused but you should have just carried on. She does sound like a cow though.

finallymightbehappening · 01/07/2021 11:28

Out of interest what was the question and what was your answer (if not too revealing!).

imissguitarsolos · 01/07/2021 11:29

@HOkieCOkie

I’m the same or at least I feel the same things happen to me to.
Thank you Flowers sorry it happens to you too. I need to find my tribe so we can all just be at peace Smile
OP posts:
Devongirl99 · 01/07/2021 11:31

You sound like a lovely person and she just sounds rude!!

RogueMnerHidesUnderABigHat · 01/07/2021 11:34

I agree with much that's posted.

Two thoughts though.

  1. I always keep work and friends separate. If I happen to make friends with a work colleague, that's a bonus.
This means I view work evenings out as an occasional necessary evil. I go, I don't get too drunk. If it's nice, great. If it's shit, meh.
  1. Slightly contradicting the above, don't try and befriend a group. Work on (your relationships and interactions with) individuals within it. Much easier.

Hold your head high, and if something or someone gets to you, don't let others see it.

Good luck x

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