Am I just that type of person?

[imissguitarsolos]

Name changed for this.

I recently have changed jobs and I got invited out for a meal by a woman on my new team I’ve got friendly with but haven’t yet met in person (not been into the office yet but have been chatting remotely)

She was going out with a couple others from my workplace last night but she’s the only one in my team and so asked if I wanted to come.

I was nervous as I didn’t know anyone else but pushed myself to go and be social and they were all friendly enough, but one woman just made me feel really uncomfortable. She was quite overbearing and I just got the impression she didn’t like me from the beginning.

She was the story teller of the table so everyone would be listening to her stories but when I had something to say she talked over me constantly. e.g she’d ask me a question and then either just talked over me or stopped listening half way through me talking and start talking to someone else. Once she just brought her phone out during me answering her question and started texting, so I stopped talking and then when she’d finished and I started talking again she said loudly ‘fucking hell this is taking a while!’ and roll eyes her eyes at the woman opposite. I thought yes because you keep interrupting me!

Then I noticed her screwing her nose up at things I said throughout the night at the woman opposite when I was speaking and when I asked certain questions I felt she laughed at me and brought it to others attention in a ‘look how stupid she is’ sort of way.

Also she kept forgetting my name or saying it wrong and she’d say (loud) sorry I’ve forgotten your name again and laugh.

I’m a fairly quiet and introverted person and to push myself out of my comfort zone like this was a big thing for me, but now I keep thinking over the night and how I don’t want to socialise with them again and put myself through feeling like the outsider.

I have always had a couple of close friends in life but always seem to be treated this way by other people. I was psychologically bullied by a group of girls in school and then was the ‘hanger on’ in Uni. I would always be talked over/excluded in groups and then in my last job I was in a lovely team and now I’ve moved on I just feel like the excluded girl again. I’m starting to think there’s something about me and who I am that makes others respond to me this way.

People say I’m friendly and bubbly and kind, so why then do I always get treated like I’m an after thought or just not worth people’s time? I keep feeling really teary today, I think it’s brought everything back. I keep asking myself why am I so worthless in people’s minds.

Yep the 'I've forgotten your name', so rude, I've had it before, basically said in front of people so she can get other people to subconsciously think you're not worth remembering, honestly she sounds like a c*nt.

I'd would be totally honest with your new work colleague, just say thanks but I'd rather not if (vile woman) is going, we're very different and i just don't think we'd get on well

Her type exist. The others in the group most likely think she is rude, overbearing and controlling Queen bee.
It's not you who is a problem.
If others were friendly I'd go again.
After a few more nights ask why is she so rude? I love when the opportunity comes to knock her off her high horse.
It'll only take seconds to say and will feel so good.

@MoreAloneTime

Am I a twat for telling you to go and try to annoy this woman as much as possible ?

No

Urgh she sounds like a territorial person who dont like new people. In my experience those people are often very insecure. Id just ignore her and carry on with your life.

No great surprise that you’re the poster giving OP a bit of a hard time @AmyandPhilipfan when you go on to say this…

I was in the PTA and was lead organiser for some of the events. I knew all the women socially and had a great time, spoke to most of the parents at pick up.

Not called Amanda are you? 🤭

I would avoid this one woman but continue to accept group invites. You probably ended up sitting next to her because no-one else wanted to.

If you avoid interacting with a good group of people because of one bully, you are self-excluding and that is the behaviour that makes you feel as though you are always the target.

Don’t respond to this person, or respond as briefly as possible when it’s unavoidable. Ask your friend what she finds the best way to deal with her.

Perhaps it's an age thing but I would have wished them a lovely evening and left. An evening out like you've described is not paving the way to a happy new existence within a new team, that behaviour has hurt you and you can choose not be be exposed to it. I'd suggest you keep on being yourself at work, the consistent performance of decency, reliability and hard-work will bond you within your team over time. You can opt out of the drama, you see it for what it is, do you want that? Putting up with such crap brings more crap into your life. Perhaps decline the next evening out and see if the colleagues you do like are free over lunch. I'm on the far (very far) side of 40 and there is no way now I'd put myself through this - though probably would have twenty years ago. None of my friendships, at any level, came from initially being mistreated or ostracised. Be good to yourself, you have identified people bringing crap into your life - the trick is to not permit them to leave it with you and we do this through our action and choices. It's not so much that other people don't have to deal with it, it's everywhere, you can learn to make sure all the signs are there for them to know you have no interest in it. This could be said more succinctly by someone who has had more sleep.

Some people are just arseholes, and she is one of them. Her behaviour reflects only on her, and you will not be alone in wondering what the hell is wrong with her.

May I recommend the book “bullyproof kids”? I’ve found it really insightful in terms of my own experiences around bullying and those of children and adults I know. I think it also sheds light as to why responses here on your post are so divided.

I like the advice from @RogueMnerHidesUnderABigHat Definitely better if you do want to pursue a social life with them

If DH gets his phone out when I’m speaking to him I do stop and wait for him to realise before continuing. It may be passive aggressive but it’s incredibly rude of them to stare at their phone when you’re trying to tell them something.

You didn’t do anything wrong, she just sounds like a rude twat and I wouldn’t be arsed socialising with her again.

I think it is her not you but don't let people like that make you feel like a victim. She sounds very childish and her actions are about the attention or lack of it but try to change your mindset in to one where you don't care as people like this never do care about what you think of them. They like to socially dominate and people who fit in to that dynamic are often quite weak as people that rightly think she is rude and childish will have enough esteem to not entertain the idea of socialising with her again. I knew a girl like that at uni, she would declare things like she only hung out with pretty people and the only real regular friends she had were sheep and followers. She didn't like my music as it wasn't mainstream enough and she was deathly dull and would bleep on about how miserable my music was, my artwork was, how my shoes were hideous. I had the unfortunate luck of living next door to her in uni halls and she didn't like me as I wasn't prepared to be a spectator to her show and I stuck up for myself all of the time. Fuck fitting in to the dynamics of group if it is full of idiots! I think you need to not give a shit.

She sounds like one to avoid

She sounds like Amanda from Motherland.

I’m very much like you OP, an anxious over thinker! I find myself in these types of situations often as I’m also a people pleaser and unfortunately it seems to attract the worst kinds of people. I am in therapy for it at the moment and she has recommended the book “The Games People Play” - not sure if you’d find it useful/interesting to understand why some people behave the way they do.

I don’t have any advice but just wanted to sympathise as it’s pretty hard work

Its a thing in groups that there can be one person who tests the new kid. They are nasty bullying types who will see if they can be pushed or if they will push back....similarly if they join a new group they will see who they can bully and who they can't...if you want to be in the group and they aren't all arses then keep on going with them and ignore her.
What I find amazing (not just in your circs but generally) is that the rest of the group let them get away with it!

@TeamNegan

I’m very much like you OP, an anxious over thinker! I find myself in these types of situations often as I’m also a people pleaser and unfortunately it seems to attract the worst kinds of people. I am in therapy for it at the moment and she has recommended the book “The Games People Play” - not sure if you’d find it useful/interesting to understand why some people behave the way they do.

I don’t have any advice but just wanted to sympathise as it’s pretty hard work

that's a good book!

My life has improved now I’ve come to know that colleagues are just that, colleagues. They are not my friends. It’s made me feel very differently about life.

I think it's incredibly rude to start texting mid conversation! She could've at least excused herself.

You sound very polite and compassionate OP.

Yes, it is so rude to be texting but predictable with that kind of personality as the attention is not on them.

Don't make excuses for not going - tell the truth.

You win no prizes in life for being a doormat.

She sounds awful, if i was in that situation i would go if the group is big enough that you don't have to deal with her all night, or just meet up with the one inviting you on her own if not

Sometimes quiet, decent, kind people are seen as being weak, which they are not, but certain other types of people see them that way. This woman, for whatever reason, has taken a dislike to you. It's nothing to do with you, it's her issue, perhaps you remind her of someone else, or she's just a bully and was looking for a new person to target, perhaps she has problems of her own or is insecure about her job etc. Who knows? But it's not your fault or for you to spend your time trying to figure out or resolve. The thing is though, if the other people, also for whatever reason, are going to tolerate her then they are not going to be helpful to you and you will be seen as the outsider, the problem, the difficult one, the weak one. You are not this person, but you are going to be forced into this role within this group. It's not your fault, its just the situation you are in. Keep your eye on the situation and try and improve it but there's the possibility that it wont improve. In this case the best and only thing you can do is remove yourself from the situation and find somewhere better where you will be treated with the respect you deserve. I know that's shitty in a new job. Keep your dignity, be polite and be aware of your strengths, but if you are forced into a role that is not healthy for you it won't improve.

@DavidTheDog

May I recommend the book “bullyproof kids”? I’ve found it really insightful in terms of my own experiences around bullying and those of children and adults I know. I think it also sheds light as to why responses here on your post are so divided.

Thank you, I’ve put a sample on my Kindle to remind me to look at it later.

@Youdiditanyway

If DH gets his phone out when I’m speaking to him I do stop and wait for him to realise before continuing. It may be passive aggressive but it’s incredibly rude of them to stare at their phone when you’re trying to tell them something.

You didn’t do anything wrong, she just sounds like a rude twat and I wouldn’t be arsed socialising with her again.

That’s what I thought, it made me feel like I wasn’t worth listening to.