Just can't get on top of my house! Making me miserable!

[UndertheCedartree]

Due to medical reasons I was unable to live in my house for 3 years. My DC were cared for by their DF at my house (i.e - he lived there with them).

When I moved back in a year ago the house was not in a good state. Aside from not being overly clean and in need of decoration the whole place needed organising. Every room was cluttered and messy. And it aside of being much cleaner and some decoration started it is still very cluttered and unorganised. On top of this my DC have picked up habits from their DF like not throwing their rubbish away, doing their own washing up or tidying toys/art supplies. They are 14 and 9. I am worn down with it - I hate living in this state but just can't seem to get on top of it! Any tips as to how I should tackle this?

• a timer!

When we have a busy few weeks and the house gets away from us, the only way I can handle a big clean is to do it room by room. And I tackle the smallest and easiest first.

Downstairs toilet.
Then downstairs hall.
Stairs and landing.
Bathroom.
Kitchen.
Downstairs living areas.
Bedrooms.

It's a massive sense of achievement when one room is completely tidy and scrubbed clean...even if it's only the downstairs toilet! That's why I start with the easiest because the 'ahhhh' feeling of a whole room completed spurs me on to do the rest.

A timer is a great idea! Get the kids involved to tidy their rooms as fast as they can until it goes off.

Have a charity box and a bin bag ready and put an item in each every evening. Step by step!

You also mentioned you’d like to get a cleaner once your house is tidier. If you got a cleaner now, might it save you time that you can then use for decluttering?

The most important thing is that you’re back home with your children. Everything else will follow

I made an effort to throw out and tidy (throw away) many pairs of shoes and sort good ones into pairs on to shoe rack. It made feel really good and makes the hall so much more tidy. Several rooms in my home could do with a fresh coat of paint but I am focusing on getting it tidier to start with. I have no real excuses except since started menopause just feel exhausted all the time. I have resorted to paying more pocket money to child for doing a few extra chores. Now keeping shoe rack tidy will be a twice weekly task he can manage.

I realise that you're a Team TOMMer, but you may also find UnF*ck Your Habitat helpful

For the kids, you might have success with setting a timer for 5/10/15 mins each evening, and everyone cleaning or tidying as much as possible in that time (either in the same room or within easy monitoring distance if you suspect the kids will get distracted) - if you watch TV with ad breaks these work too - "I bet you can't do xyz before the time is up!"
Make it a bit more interesting - sing along to cheesy songs while doing chores (line dancing songs are both energetic and cheesy, a spoon full of sugar works too) - make it a race for who can fill a carrier bag with rubbish fastest, who can find the longest cobweb or largest dust bunny - name the vacuum and the mop/dish cloth/washing machine (poor Henry is starving, Maurice is looking for a dancing partner) - wear silly clothes to clean in - take before and after photos (silly faces optional) this can also help for kids who don't notice mess - a picture of the tabletop or their toys on the rug can help them focus on "what is out of place in this photo?"
(I've also heard good things about Habitica)

Stop when the timer stops and do something fun/enjoyable.
Aim for progress not perfection - something done is better than nothing - it doesn't matter if only half the carpet is vacuumed on Monday, the other half can be done on Tuesday etc. The important thing is to get them involved and into the habit of helping out.

If there's a special occasion to clean for (eg visitors /before putting up Xmas decs), ask them to guess how many timed sessions they think it will take to get it done, and the kids who's closest gets to pick what takeaway food is for dinner, what film to watch, or what board game to play that evening.

the best tip I can give you about dirty clothes is to get rid of hampers/baskets in bedrooms and put just one next to washing machine.
make it crystal clear that if dirty clothes are not placed in that one laundry basket they will not get washed.
and then stick to it.

it works because soon they realise they have no clean clothes and that will force them to oblige and you'll never have to pick up after others!

once that habit is created teach everybody how to use the washing machine and encourage them to use it by themselves.

So much good advice already, op!
'Flylady Kat' on YouTube might help if you don't find it too annoying. (I also love TOMM, also unf*ck your habitat is very direct!) She's really straightforward and motivating. Focus on establishing a morning and evening routine each day. Maybe establish that for at least a week first.
If you already have that, then she recommends going on to 15 mins decluttering each week day (she says 4 days per week, actually). 1 hr per week. Use a timer. You might want to do more once you get started but it's the consistency that counts and adds up (atomic habits). The mess wasn't made in a day so it's ok if it takes a while to sort. In a month you will see real progress.

Flylady has zones to follow but you could start with worst or best room, whatever works for you.
Another thing that's pretty good is '12 x 5': when whole house is untidy, 5 mins in 12 spaces so takes an hour, time it and you can make a bit of a dent! Have a bin bag for throw away, box for give away, laundry basket for put away.

Good luck 💐 i am doing DC's rooms today. Stay on here for accountability/support if it helps. X

May be controversial or may have been said but I would go with decorating first. That would mean that you have to pack everything up which is your first opportunity for a cull. Probably just black bag stuff at that point. When you have finished decorating put in the storage, then when you unpack everything should either have a home or needs to go. If you have undecided things, leave them in a box for six months and set a reminder to check them after that time. If you didn't need them, get rid; if you did then find them a home.

Reading back through there is no way i could just do 15 mins to begin with but idea is you are focused and don't exhaust yourself! So maybe maximum of 2/3 hours per day?? Until you get more sorted.

@kindaclassy - yes, a timer is a great motivator!
@MrsRobinsonsAffair - thank you - I am so happy to be back with them!

DD struggles with executive functioning, and I find what works with her is breaking down the steps e.g. all dirty cups etc in the kitchen, all dirty clothes in the laundry basket, all books on the bookshelf... she has a list to work through and no wifi until it is done - she can take as long as she wants, listen to music etc but wanting wifi back keeps her going!

School holiday is coming up, could you ask them to go to their DF house for a long weekend or something? and then just blitz the whole place?

@Fros - I love TOMM but happy to look at anything that might help!

@Amore2 - really like those ideas, thanks. And good luck with the DC's room today!

@Overoptimistix - it has really helped exactly like you say. I had to get my dining room ceiling plastered so had to move everything out. Once the ceiling was painted it made sense to do the rest of the room before moving everything back. It really helped having the blank canvas and I could really decide how I wanted the room to look and what storage I needed. I've just got one more box to sort but everything else has either been put away/put on shelves/got rid of/moved to another room. I've just got a window frame and door and door frame left to paint.

Marie kondo your house. Teach your children the technique. Hire a skip and pair back your belongings to the bare minimum. Room by room, be ruthless

@Allington - thank you for that advice. I think a visual list could really help my DC.
@Husbandno4 - unfortunately their DF doesn't have the space to have them overnight. I could ask a friend to have them for a sleepover at her house so I could get a couple of days in, though.

@UndertheCedartree amazing! I love a blank canvas. Try to take before and after pictures for yourself, I never do but I think it must be a nice sense of self-satisfaction to look back at what you have achieved

Good to see positive mood!