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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask my real dad for financial help

104 replies

Dudewheresmymoney · 01/07/2021 00:59

When we haven't seen or spoken to each other in years?

I'll try and make this short and sweet.

We've never had a proper relationship. My mum divorced him when I was 5. He was awful, abusive and a cheating alcoholic. Never touched me but I have blurred memories of him abusing my mum. He was married before he met my mum and had 3 kids from that relationship, never bothered with them either and if he did it was only because my mum encouraged him to. I know it was a difficult divorce which cost my mum thousands just because he was awkward and nasty. He owns his own company and has done for the last 25+ years. When my mum took him to court for maintenance he lied and said he was unemployed. He was able to get away with it because he made my grandma (his mother) the director of his company. She was 73 and he owned a building company Hmm.

Anyway, eventually my mum did win in court and he had to pay out, not very much that I'm aware of but by that point she had to use the money to pay off the court fee's etc.
After that he was granted excess and was suppose to have me every other weekend. He would pick me up on a Friday after school, drop me off at my grandmas and then pick me back up on a Sunday morning and take me home (whilst pretending he'd had me all weekend when really he was probably in the pub or out shagging about as usual). Over the years our contact decreased. As I grew up I realised how much of a manipulative arsehole he really was and decided to cut all contact, as did my other siblings. My mum pretty much raised me all on her own by working a full time job. Over the years he sent me random cheques in the post, £200 here or £50 there. Not that it ever amounted to what he'd actually have to pay if he'd been a decent father. I took the money, said thank you but we never reconciled. There was always a catch 22 when he sent money though. He would always text me afterwards asking if we could meet up or go for lunch etc. One year he asked me to spend Boxing Day with him instead of my mum and family (who have brought me up and always been there for me) Hmm I said no of course. No idea why he thought I'd agree in the first place Confused.

Now he's in 60's and I'm 25 working full time. Have been renting for years but desperate to get on the property ladder but it's just so expensive. I've saved and saved for a long time but need more to even be excepted. My mum doesn't have any money and I wouldn't want her to go into debt to help me. I'm sure she would though. Step dad will happen but I'd have to pay it all back of course. My dad still owns his company, lives in a nice house in a gated community, nice cars etc.. you get the picture. He's got a few quid in the bank. I've not spoken to him in around 7 years now and if I did get in touch it would only be for money. I would make that very clear if he asked what my motives were: I have no issues with it and I believe it's his fault that's why things are the way they are anyway. I know my other siblings have recently reconnected with him, one of them even started working his company but I know it's only because they want his money. AIBU to ask him for financial help towards buying a property? Since he's done sweet FA for me my whole life anyway. The worst he can do is say no and I would make it clear that we will never have a relationship, I just want the money so if he sees his arse after that then fine. I will survive without him like I always have.

My mum is also a bit upset that she can't help me more and doesn't want him to think I'm desperate for his money. I've never needed it before so why now. Personally I don't give a shit what he thinks.

OP posts:
candyflossss · 01/07/2021 10:31

Him not paying maintenance to your mother has absolutely nothing to do with you.

this comment is absolutely ludicrous.

Of course it affects the child if the absent parent doesn't make any financial contribution.

In so so many ways. Maybe the present parent had to work a lot more to make ends meet so missed out on time spent with their children.

Maybe they missed out on a lot of experiences because they didn't have the means to do so.

how on earth can someone say such a dense thing?

candyflossss · 01/07/2021 10:33

@OrrisRoot

You have no idea what the circumstances surrounding my dad's absence. I didn't provide any further details and I'm not going to.

Like I said, it can really give you rage when it looks like someone who wasn't a pleasant person, shirked their responsibilities and has allowed the present parent to carry all the burden doing so well for themselves.

I think you need to stop assuming that people with different opinions must lack similar experience.

What?

I haven't made any assumptions lol I think that was you?

Also you picked up my comment, which would suggest you had an issue with the way I see it, again not the other way round.

I'm sympathising with the OPs obvious anger at her real father - what is wrong with that?

Dudewheresmymoney · 01/07/2021 10:33

@BusyLizzie61 I would imagine the only reason my siblings have reconnected with him is for his money also.

OP posts:
vivainsomnia · 01/07/2021 10:36

Of course it affects the child if the absent parent doesn't make any financial contribution
But he did pay. Not willingly but he did after being taking to court.

candyflossss · 01/07/2021 10:41

@vivainsomnia

Of course it affects the child if the absent parent doesn't make any financial contribution But he did pay. Not willingly but he did after being taking to court.
OP said her mother used it to pay court fees and it wasn't very much.

Honestly, a lot of these comments I do despair.

Dudewheresmymoney · 01/07/2021 10:42

@vivainsomnia he paid what he owed for a couple of years but the money stopped when I was around 7 or 8.

OP posts:
candyflossss · 01/07/2021 10:43

My friend who's sons dad is useless has recently been taken to court and he has to pay 5 pounds a week.

Not even enough to pay for his nappies and wipes.

Of course it affects the kid. Even if they do end up being forced to pay the measly amount that CMS is.

BusyLizzie61 · 01/07/2021 10:53

@candyflossss

Him not paying maintenance to your mother has absolutely nothing to do with you.

this comment is absolutely ludicrous.

Of course it affects the child if the absent parent doesn't make any financial contribution.

In so so many ways. Maybe the present parent had to work a lot more to make ends meet so missed out on time spent with their children.

Maybe they missed out on a lot of experiences because they didn't have the means to do so.

how on earth can someone say such a dense thing?

She's a 25yo woman. The issues you allude to would have impacted her when she was a child. She's not a child anymore, even if behaving like one! The financial arrangements or disagreements are none of her business. Yes she can have an opinion on this, but that's where it ends.
mistermagpie · 01/07/2021 10:54

This is a terrible idea.

I'm NC with my parents, haven't spoken to them in about 8 years. They are very very well off, literal millionaires. I work part time, have a small house and three young children so money is tight obviously, but these have been my life choices and they are my (and my husbands) responsibility to finance.

Not in a million billion years would I ask my parents for money. I can't even imagine how that conversation would go.

You need to pay for your own life like most people do. Your dad sounds awful anyway so why you would want to be indebted to him I don't know. Plus, however terrible or wonderful our parents are, they don't actually owe us anything financially.

Dudewheresmymoney · 01/07/2021 10:56

@BusyLizzie61 gosh, you really are spoiling for an argument aren't you. I'm behaving like a child? In what way exactly? Because I considered asking my father for help?

OP posts:
candyflossss · 01/07/2021 11:00

@BusyLizzie61 Why is it so often on threads like this that the blatant animosity is aimed at the OP, instead of the fathers or indeed mothers, who are crap? Why so much hostility towards OP? Indeed, you have called her cheeky and being a child now without actually taking a moment to think why people in this situation might feel the way they do.

Yes, she is 25, I am 26, it doesn't mean these don't affect you for all your life.

Things that happened in your childhood stay with you after all.

And it clearly is still affecting the OP, otherwise she wouldn't of had this debate with herself of whether to go to him or not. The anger towards him is still there, as it is with me towards my biological father.

Viviennemary · 01/07/2021 11:03

I think it would be an absolute cheek tomask him for money. You haven't got a good word to say about him.

candyflossss · 01/07/2021 11:05

@Viviennemary

I think it would be an absolute cheek tomask him for money. You haven't got a good word to say about him.
yes, it is curious why the OP doesn't have a good word to say against her abusive, alcoholic, not there father isn't it?
RestingStitchFace · 01/07/2021 11:07

I personally wouldn't - he'll hold it over you and may use it as leverage to control/interfere in your life. This is not a man you want in close proximity.

AgnesXNitt · 01/07/2021 11:11

If you are emotionally resilient enough to accept a potential no and you can (legally and emotionally) accept the "gift" without strings then I say go for it.

Boatie · 01/07/2021 11:20

yes, it is curious why the OP doesn't have a good word to say against her abusive, alcoholic, not there father isn't it?

Obviously not bad enough that she wouldn’t want his money Hmm. Do you think this is what vivien is alluding to?

candyflossss · 01/07/2021 11:30

@Boatie

yes, it is curious why the OP doesn't have a good word to say against her abusive, alcoholic, not there father isn't it?

Obviously not bad enough that she wouldn’t want his money Hmm. Do you think this is what vivien is alluding to?

well I'm of the opinion they can provide something to atleast try and make up for being a useless parent and human.

I dont think I would say no if my bio dad said no. why would I? some misplaced pride? nah fuck that. roof over mine and my children's heads is more important to me, something my bio dad was never too bothered about and from the sounds of it, nor was the OPs.

candyflossss · 01/07/2021 11:30

if my bio dad offered money*

Mo819 · 01/07/2021 11:38

I was in a similar situation with my dad been nc for years. He died recently and i was suprised how much i was bothered. If you have no itention of having a relationship then i dont feel you can ask for money it will come at a price

luckylavender · 01/07/2021 11:55

I wouldn't, no way.

BusyLizzie61 · 01/07/2021 16:55

[quote candyflossss]@BusyLizzie61 Why is it so often on threads like this that the blatant animosity is aimed at the OP, instead of the fathers or indeed mothers, who are crap? Why so much hostility towards OP? Indeed, you have called her cheeky and being a child now without actually taking a moment to think why people in this situation might feel the way they do.

Yes, she is 25, I am 26, it doesn't mean these don't affect you for all your life.

Things that happened in your childhood stay with you after all.

And it clearly is still affecting the OP, otherwise she wouldn't of had this debate with herself of whether to go to him or not. The anger towards him is still there, as it is with me towards my biological father.[/quote]
In which case counselling and therapy is what's needed to address these issues. Not getting these "fathers" to bankroll your adult lives.

User65412 · 01/07/2021 17:20

I'm in the same boat as you, OP. Absent, cheating, abusive father. Lied about employment and worked for cash so he didn't have to pay a penny maintenence.
It's a very complicated issue and one that is hard for people to understand.
I recently had a child and he has sent me money to put in a savings pot for her. Not loads but significant enough for me to not know what to do incase it made me somehow indebted to him.
I debated sending it back but then I thought fuck it. I've had nothing from him my whole life so I do feels that he owes me, big time.
Not quite the same as I didn't approach him for it but I for one wouldn't blame you for doing so. I don't think it means you're desperate, lowering yourself, as bad as him etc. If you want to ask then do and don't feel bad about it. Totally agree with @candyflossss

Flawedperfection · 01/07/2021 18:26

OP, don’t do it. How shitty if you go begging and he says no. Sounds like he’s the type that’d love you to do this and have satisfaction turning you down. I have a similar toxic father who I’ve been nc with for 8 years and could help me, but wouldn’t, not even when we had a ‘relationship’. A nasty narcissistic piece of work who would happily let all his kids go without when young, then watch us all fail as adults, virtually rubbing his hands with glee, the smirking cunt. Sorry for the bad language, but my biological father is indeed a cunt.
An OP, I am much older than you (a decade older) and still not on the property ladder which is fucking shit, stressful and distressing. If YOU get saving (as PPs have said), you will be in a much better position at my age. I wish someone had told me this!!

Flawedperfection · 01/07/2021 18:31

Meant to add, OP, that I totally get where you are coming from and totally sympathize and empathize.Flowers
Parent can be so shit and whilst they don’t owe us all the diamonds and pearls, they should want to help imho; I find it weird when they don’t and so unfair when others have it easier. I don’t care if that sounds immature but I (like others I’m sure) know so many people that’ve have extensive financial assistance from parents. V annoying!

candyflossss · 02/07/2021 10:18

@User65412

I'm in the same boat as you, OP. Absent, cheating, abusive father. Lied about employment and worked for cash so he didn't have to pay a penny maintenence. It's a very complicated issue and one that is hard for people to understand. I recently had a child and he has sent me money to put in a savings pot for her. Not loads but significant enough for me to not know what to do incase it made me somehow indebted to him. I debated sending it back but then I thought fuck it. I've had nothing from him my whole life so I do feels that he owes me, big time. Not quite the same as I didn't approach him for it but I for one wouldn't blame you for doing so. I don't think it means you're desperate, lowering yourself, as bad as him etc. If you want to ask then do and don't feel bad about it. Totally agree with *@candyflossss*
I think it stems from this idea of being the bigger person and keeping face/not showing them you need anything from them.

For me, that doesn't really wash though because really, when the shit hits the fan, my biological dad is still going to be well off and I will still be struggling and working all hours under the sun to provide for my children.
I don't think there is anything shameful at all in feeling like you are owed something from people who brought you into this world nor accepting/asking for help if you need it.