To ask my real dad for financial help

[Dudewheresmymoney]

When we haven't seen or spoken to each other in years?

I'll try and make this short and sweet.

We've never had a proper relationship. My mum divorced him when I was 5. He was awful, abusive and a cheating alcoholic. Never touched me but I have blurred memories of him abusing my mum. He was married before he met my mum and had 3 kids from that relationship, never bothered with them either and if he did it was only because my mum encouraged him to. I know it was a difficult divorce which cost my mum thousands just because he was awkward and nasty. He owns his own company and has done for the last 25+ years. When my mum took him to court for maintenance he lied and said he was unemployed. He was able to get away with it because he made my grandma (his mother) the director of his company. She was 73 and he owned a building company .

Anyway, eventually my mum did win in court and he had to pay out, not very much that I'm aware of but by that point she had to use the money to pay off the court fee's etc.
After that he was granted excess and was suppose to have me every other weekend. He would pick me up on a Friday after school, drop me off at my grandmas and then pick me back up on a Sunday morning and take me home (whilst pretending he'd had me all weekend when really he was probably in the pub or out shagging about as usual). Over the years our contact decreased. As I grew up I realised how much of a manipulative arsehole he really was and decided to cut all contact, as did my other siblings. My mum pretty much raised me all on her own by working a full time job. Over the years he sent me random cheques in the post, £200 here or £50 there. Not that it ever amounted to what he'd actually have to pay if he'd been a decent father. I took the money, said thank you but we never reconciled. There was always a catch 22 when he sent money though. He would always text me afterwards asking if we could meet up or go for lunch etc. One year he asked me to spend Boxing Day with him instead of my mum and family (who have brought me up and always been there for me) I said no of course. No idea why he thought I'd agree in the first place .

Now he's in 60's and I'm 25 working full time. Have been renting for years but desperate to get on the property ladder but it's just so expensive. I've saved and saved for a long time but need more to even be excepted. My mum doesn't have any money and I wouldn't want her to go into debt to help me. I'm sure she would though. Step dad will happen but I'd have to pay it all back of course. My dad still owns his company, lives in a nice house in a gated community, nice cars etc.. you get the picture. He's got a few quid in the bank. I've not spoken to him in around 7 years now and if I did get in touch it would only be for money. I would make that very clear if he asked what my motives were: I have no issues with it and I believe it's his fault that's why things are the way they are anyway. I know my other siblings have recently reconnected with him, one of them even started working his company but I know it's only because they want his money. AIBU to ask him for financial help towards buying a property? Since he's done sweet FA for me my whole life anyway. The worst he can do is say no and I would make it clear that we will never have a relationship, I just want the money so if he sees his arse after that then fine. I will survive without him like I always have.

My mum is also a bit upset that she can't help me more and doesn't want him to think I'm desperate for his money. I've never needed it before so why now. Personally I don't give a shit what he thinks.

You acknowledge what a horrible person he has been for years, but then feel it’s okay to go to him with a begging bowl. Personally I would not put myself in the position of being indebted to him in any way. The money he owes is to your mum for raising you for years with little financial support. The best payback to show him his behaviour will not control your future, is to save, save, save and get that house you want through your own hard graft. It might take you longer than what you want, but you will have the satisfaction of showing him that you didn’t need him before, and don’t need him now either.

No harm in asking. If he gives you money, you should take it if it comes as a gift. If there is some paper work that he wants to do to make sure you stay connected with him, then no, do not take it.

@Kanaloa

I wouldn’t do this. Firstly, this is not a person you want to be indebted to. Secondly, nobody is entitled to help with a property, it’s expensive and difficult but that’s unfortunately how it is. Third, it will feel a lot of better when, in the future, you can afford a property of your own rather than feeling you have begged it off a man who you have basically no relationship with.

This.

I don't think you are entitled to his money tbh. I think his shitty parenting is a seperate issue.

How will you feel if he says no? That seems pretty likely.

If he says no, you've opened up a wound that'll take time to recover from.

If he says yes, he'll feel as though you owe him. It won't be a settled debt. He might want to visit, to see you, to have a relationship with you. If you decline this, he'll bad mouth you.

All the while, your poor mum who has given you the best life she can will feel as though she's not given you enough. She should be proud of how well she's done as a single parent, this could feel like a (thoughtless) insult.

Keep saving, like many, many others.

At your age, I worked 1xFT & 2xPT jobs, rented & saved up a deposit

If you want it enough, you will find a way

Then I managed to get a better paid job

Not everyone gets help from their family

I'd ask him, but not as for the house deposit, I'd work out how much he should have paid your mum for proper maintenance, minus the dribs and drabs he did pay then ask him to pay that bank to your mum. I'd point out bluntly that she'd have been able to save to help you with house deposit if he'd paid up and he needs to repay his debt to her. If he does and she wants to help you out with house deposit from it then it's your mum who's helped you, you wouldn't be indebted to your dad. Neither would your mum, he'd have just caught up with his own debt.

I have no issues with it and I believe it's his fault that's why things are the way they are anyway.

I will survive without him like I always have.

He was a shit dad but you’re an adult and have to take responsibility for your own life.

You not having a house is not his fault. Plenty of adults with loving parents don’t get financial help as adults. My dad was lovely and and him and my mum were together until he died but I am not inheriting their house. It’s fine, I’ve been working since I was 15 and saved and bought my own place with DH, with no deposit help from parents.

This is a terrible idea. He’ll say no and you will experience it as further rejection and pain. Then you’ll hate him more.

You, per se, are not owed anything financially.

I actually find this whole suggestion really bloody cheeky!

I understand that parents often choose to gift money to their children, but they have a meaningful relationship. You don't have nor want a meaningful relationship. Getting a deposit is your responsibility and noone else's responsibility to provide you with this. Stand on your own two feet.

Where would this stop? Would he need to pay your council tax next year? Furnish it? You can't afford it so leave to your means!

@BusyLizzie61 who's fault is it that we don't have a relationship? Would you not consider it "cheeky" that he never paid and actively found ways not to pay for his child growing up and let my mum do it all by herself? If you'd read my op it clearly states that I've worked full time since leaving school and paid my own way through life.

My BF has a very similar relationship with her father. When she was looking to buy she did approach him and he did agree to help by gifting the deposit. All good.

Several years later she enters a relationship her father disapproves of and then he creates no end of trouble by saying the original gift was a loan, that its past due and going to court to try to get a charge against the house.

He's told all the family, friends that she cheated him and even called up her work to 'enquire how to get a deduction from her salary for an unpaid debt'

So yes, you might get some money to help but you better be sure you are ready to pay the the additional costs that come with such a deal. Especially as you say yourself ' He was awful, abusive and a cheating alcoholic'

I've decided not to do it. I agree with some posters that it will open up a can of worms and I'm sure even if he did say yes, he'd find a way to hold it over me for the rest of my life. I don't to be indebted to a person like that. My mum was also quite upset when I mentioned it and her happiness means more to me than anything else.

Why on earth would you want contact with such a horrible man?
You just need to save up for a deposit like the rest of us.

Hi OP,

I know how it feels to have an absent father who also happens to be very well off. My real dad has a lot of money and my mum has struggled most of her life until recently. We never wanted for anything, had all the necessities etc. but my mum worked a lot of odd jobs, we had to rely on my grandparents for any 'nice' things like family holidays etc.

It got a lot better when we met my step dad but yeah it does rub up the wrong way that he has all this money and has this fancy lifestyle but me and my mum have had to work for everything we've got. Although I am proud of that fact and also made the decision after I met my real dad a couple times that I wasn't interested in a relationship with such a selfish self absorbed person.

I completely understand why you would of considered this though and actually, I admire the fact you said you would be honest about just wanting some money and no relationship.

I totally get the feeling of being owed too. It makes me cross that my dad has shouldered none of the burden that my mother did. All you can hope is that one day karma comes around or they do have to make peace with their decisions.

And I think unless you have been in this position, it's hard to understand the anger - it does in a lot of ways make it worse when it looks like someone who goes round having children and not paying towards them lives the life of luxury. Not saying it isn't still shit if their life hasn't worked out great but it really does rub salt into the wound when you and your present parent struggled for everything.

[quote Dudewheresmymoney]@BusyLizzie61 who's fault is it that we don't have a relationship? Would you not consider it "cheeky" that he never paid and actively found ways not to pay for his child growing up and let my mum do it all by herself? If you'd read my op it clearly states that I've worked full time since leaving school and paid my own way through life. [/quote]
Look, most people pay their own way in life and some get modest to considerable help. You don’t get a rosette for working to pay your own bills. Sorry if that’s harsh, but you do keep repeating “I’ve worked full time since leaving school” as if it deserves special credit.

It’s incredibly “cheeky” that he let your mum carry the entire parenting can, financial & practical, for more than a decade but you are not her. You haven’t done the really hard work of solo parenting while healing from an abusive relationship.

Why are you so much more interested in cash than your own dignity or your poor mother’s dignity? Why would you give him that power of you? He is a piece of shit. He battered your mother. He is not a nice man. If you flagrantly waltz into his life purely to demand substantial finance, he is unlikely to say yes. It’s not a cunning ruse. People like him don’t feel guilt or obligation.

Recap: it won’t work, it will make you feel like shit when he says no, you have no entitlement to it, he is not a good man to have contact with and you might be hurting your mother by doing this.

@Dudewheresmymoney

I've decided not to do it. I agree with some posters that it will open up a can of worms and I'm sure even if he did say yes, he'd find a way to hold it over me for the rest of my life. I don't to be indebted to a person like that. My mum was also quite upset when I mentioned it and her happiness means more to me than anything else.

Thank god for that.

Also, for the record OP, I don't think my mum would feel hurt in this situation at all.

She would be shocked if he did but can imagine she would also say something along the lines of 'well it's about time he contributed something'.

TBF I’ve realised what is so disconcerting about you saying “I’ve worked full time since leaving school and paid my own way through life.”.

It’s normally something people in their late 50s or 60s say in relation to pensions of some sort. A self justification from people who left school at 14. It is jarring to hear someone so young say it.

@OrrisRoot I don't believe working deserves a special credit. It's relevant because other posters have implied that I've sponged off my parents when in fact I moved out at 18, have rented since then and kept a roof over my head for the last 7 years without a penny from my family. I came from a single parent household and didn't grow up with a silver spoon in my mouth. Everything that I have is because I've worked hard for it. As I said, I'm not going ahead with it now but I also don't think it makes me a bad person to have considered it. Given that he's never helped me with anything else in my life, whether that be financially or emotionally.

@candyflossss I'm sorry you also went through the same thing, but it is nice to see that someone does understand how it feels.

@candyflossss I'm sorry you also went through the same thing, but it is nice to see that someone does understand how it feels.

With respect, it’s not the same thing.

Absent is different to absent and “awful, abusive, cheating alcoholic”.

You’d have got different advice if he was just rich and absent. I suppose the alcoholic violence feels a bit abstract to you if you don’t know him properly.

[quote OrrisRoot]**@candyflossss I'm sorry you also went through the same thing, but it is nice to see that someone does understand how it feels.

With respect, it’s not the same thing.

Absent is different to absent and “awful, abusive, cheating alcoholic”.

You’d have got different advice if he was just rich and absent. I suppose the alcoholic violence feels a bit abstract to you if you don’t know him properly.[/quote]
You have no idea what the circumstances surrounding my dad's absence. I didn't provide any further details and I'm not going to.

Like I said, it can really give you rage when it looks like someone who wasn't a pleasant person, shirked their responsibilities and has allowed the present parent to carry all the burden doing so well for themselves.

I try not to think about it too much because it doesn't make me feel good at all.

[quote Dudewheresmymoney]@BusyLizzie61 who's fault is it that we don't have a relationship? Would you not consider it "cheeky" that he never paid and actively found ways not to pay for his child growing up and let my mum do it all by herself? If you'd read my op it clearly states that I've worked full time since leaving school and paid my own way through life. [/quote]
Him not paying maintenance to your mother has absolutely nothing to do with you.

You have chosen to not try and build a relationship with him yes he was a shit. But you have to accept the sort you've paid in not trying to build a relationship like your siblings.

If you've paid your way, carry on doing so like the majority of the world does!

You have no idea what the circumstances surrounding my dad's absence. I didn't provide any further details and I'm not going to.

Like I said, it can really give you rage when it looks like someone who wasn't a pleasant person, shirked their responsibilities and has allowed the present parent to carry all the burden doing so well for themselves.

I think you need to stop assuming that people with different opinions must lack similar experience.