To ask my real dad for financial help

[Dudewheresmymoney]

When we haven't seen or spoken to each other in years?

I'll try and make this short and sweet.

We've never had a proper relationship. My mum divorced him when I was 5. He was awful, abusive and a cheating alcoholic. Never touched me but I have blurred memories of him abusing my mum. He was married before he met my mum and had 3 kids from that relationship, never bothered with them either and if he did it was only because my mum encouraged him to. I know it was a difficult divorce which cost my mum thousands just because he was awkward and nasty. He owns his own company and has done for the last 25+ years. When my mum took him to court for maintenance he lied and said he was unemployed. He was able to get away with it because he made my grandma (his mother) the director of his company. She was 73 and he owned a building company .

Anyway, eventually my mum did win in court and he had to pay out, not very much that I'm aware of but by that point she had to use the money to pay off the court fee's etc.
After that he was granted excess and was suppose to have me every other weekend. He would pick me up on a Friday after school, drop me off at my grandmas and then pick me back up on a Sunday morning and take me home (whilst pretending he'd had me all weekend when really he was probably in the pub or out shagging about as usual). Over the years our contact decreased. As I grew up I realised how much of a manipulative arsehole he really was and decided to cut all contact, as did my other siblings. My mum pretty much raised me all on her own by working a full time job. Over the years he sent me random cheques in the post, £200 here or £50 there. Not that it ever amounted to what he'd actually have to pay if he'd been a decent father. I took the money, said thank you but we never reconciled. There was always a catch 22 when he sent money though. He would always text me afterwards asking if we could meet up or go for lunch etc. One year he asked me to spend Boxing Day with him instead of my mum and family (who have brought me up and always been there for me) I said no of course. No idea why he thought I'd agree in the first place .

Now he's in 60's and I'm 25 working full time. Have been renting for years but desperate to get on the property ladder but it's just so expensive. I've saved and saved for a long time but need more to even be excepted. My mum doesn't have any money and I wouldn't want her to go into debt to help me. I'm sure she would though. Step dad will happen but I'd have to pay it all back of course. My dad still owns his company, lives in a nice house in a gated community, nice cars etc.. you get the picture. He's got a few quid in the bank. I've not spoken to him in around 7 years now and if I did get in touch it would only be for money. I would make that very clear if he asked what my motives were: I have no issues with it and I believe it's his fault that's why things are the way they are anyway. I know my other siblings have recently reconnected with him, one of them even started working his company but I know it's only because they want his money. AIBU to ask him for financial help towards buying a property? Since he's done sweet FA for me my whole life anyway. The worst he can do is say no and I would make it clear that we will never have a relationship, I just want the money so if he sees his arse after that then fine. I will survive without him like I always have.

My mum is also a bit upset that she can't help me more and doesn't want him to think I'm desperate for his money. I've never needed it before so why now. Personally I don't give a shit what he thinks.

You know perfectly well that he'll either simply point blank refuse, because there's absolutely nothing in it for him, or the money will come with so many strings and so much complication and pain that it would have been far easier and cheaper to save every penny.

There is no upside or benefit to asking.

Morally you might feel he owes you but legally he doesn’t. How much money are you thinking of asking for?

Have some self respect and don’t beg this man for money, you made a decision 7 years ago to have nothing to do with him. That’s only changed because you see him as the only way to buying a house. Think what kind of man he is. What he did to your mother.
You will regret this.

@Dudewheresmymoney

Thanks for the replies, interesting to see different opinions

@Mumdiva99 your comment really struck me. No where did I say that I "expect" my mum to go into debt for me. I just said she would, because that's the type of person she is. She would do anything to help me. As I said before, I've worked full time since leaving school and saved for years, never taken a penny off any one else. This is just a thought. And what makes me think I'm entitled to his cash now? Well, let's put it this way. If he did ever give me any money I'm sure it wouldn't amount to what he was suppose to pay had my mum pursued him for maintenance when I was growing up, so technically I suppose he does "owe" me, or actually my mum.

Exactly. He owes your mum, literally, and you owe your mum, figuratively and neither one of them owe you anything now. She got you away from him and presumably gave you a good life? I’d value that more.

No, I would never ask my so called father for money even if i was on the street.

I absolutely wouldn't. Because no matter you telling him it's only for the money. As he is such an arsehole, he will still think it makes him entitled to be involved in your life. While you may keep him out, he may keep trying and dangling over you.

People say it can't hurt to ask. It could. When he dies, there's a chance you will get something. If you ask and he says no. That sort of person will probably write you out completely.

I very much doubt, you can reply on him at all. And even if he said yes, at first how would you know he won't say no at last minute.

I’m estranged from my father, he has a fair bit of money. There is no way I would ask him for money. Anytime he has sent gifts or money I haven’t accepted them.

You don't need to get on the property ladder at 25 for goodness sake.

I honestly don't know what I would do in your situation, but would like to think my self respect would stop me from ever having anything to do with such an awful individual, or accepting anything from him - never mind asking for it.

I absolutely would not (and I speak from experience with a parent I am NC with). People like this use money to gain power. It’s that simple.

Very few parents ever actually handover large sums of money for house purchases (especially when their children are young). They will tend to ensure the money (on paper) looks like a loan/ they have equity. In the main to protect the money should their child cohabit and someone tries to make a claim. My parent (whom I now NC with) offered me money post my divorce to keep my marital home as I was on my knees financially. I was so grateful (silly me) and at the 11th hour there was a conversation that involved ‘we should make this official, get paperwork and I want to be on the deeds’. I had asked all these questions prior and been told no, there was no need, it was a gift. I had to decide then whether to take the money and allow this parent to have a say in my home. I decided no.

I am years down from that and have been NC now for many years. Sporadically that parent will pop up, never to ask how my kids and I are, or to say they miss us. But to dangle the offer of ‘we need to talk about inheritance.’

Money with people like this will always come with conditions and power plays. If you go and ask, go in knowing that. Would you buy a house with him owning 25% of it? Because that’s what he’s likely to offer.

I think you're sadly mistaken if you think he's suddenly going to change from being a shit dad with no moral compass to one that thinks, 'sure I'll stump up a wad of cash that I managed to withold from you and your mum'.
I get the feeling that he owes you, but I cannot see him being generous, and if you ask and he says no, then I feel it's going to hit you harder than you think.

In a nutshell, no.

After umpteen years of not having anything to do with him you pop with your hand out. Doesn't look good - leaving aside the fact that there's a fair chance he'll turn you down which will just add to the number of reasons why you have a crappy/non existent relationship.

I think he'll say no, and you'll feel even worse.

I'm wondering if a part of you wants him to prove he's not the arsehole he is by giving you the money?

I highly doubt that will happen so it's a no from me xx

He'll be dead soon. Wait till then and inherit it 🤣

I wouldn't lower myself to ask him for help. You've managed in life so far without him and you'll manage again. Don't give him the satisfaction of thinking you need him for anything. You'll only lose self respect.

You yourself are well aware that there have always been strings attached to the money he gives you. There will be SERIOUS strings attached to this money. Don't do it to yourself.

I would ask as he didn't support you as a child - or not properly. You should probably have a sim in your head eg 10 or 30 k or whatever you need for s deposit.

Would you want him to have this as a hold over you?

I wouldn’t ask, as firstly I would prefer to keep my self respect instead. But secondly, he is going to say no and once again he gets to show he has the power by having access to money he can withhold at will. Don’t give him the satisfaction of saying no.

@FreeBritnee I haven't sat down properly and thought about it but roughly around 5k, maybe a bit more

I'm going back and fourth on the idea now that I've read some of these replies, it's probably not the best idea . I don't want to be forever indebted to him.

Ooh no, definitely not. Gifts of money and asking for them can cause problems in the nicest relationships. Don't go there with this one.

Your idea, that he'd give you money with no strings and no expectations because he recognises he owes it to you, relies on him being a self-aware, kind, reflective, well-balanced person. These people are very rare.

You have thirty-plus years of experience that he is not that person. If he were that person, he'd never have abused your mum. He'd never have palmed you off. He'd never have done any of the things that he's done. He is not that person, and you know it, and what you want won't happen.

If he gives you any money at all, it'll be because he thinks he can use it to control and punish you. That is who he is. That is what he likes. He's abusive and selfish and you don't really exist to him other than as something he can toy with for self-gratification.

Don't do it.

Definitely not-I wouldn’t go there.

What if he says yes, but it’s a loan?

I probably wouldn’t ask
Not because of dignity or the money being tainted or anything like that but because he’s going to want something in return
If there was a way of taking it totally strings free and you would be able to hold firm and tell him to F off if he tried any emotional blackmail I might do it

So you want to use him, the same way he used your mum and the system? You want to be a bit more like you?

As an adult he owes you nothing at all. You are not in an unusual situation. Few 25yo get their parents to help with a property, even those who could afford it.

You are clearly desperate to become a home owner and have now reached a very low point to be prepared to use someone to do so.

Dint be like him. Be like your mum, proud to stand on her own two feet independently even if it means not getting what you want want now.

A lot of people dont have help with buying properties. Would you really want to put yourself in his debt? He sounds like the type to always hold that over you.

I'd recommend trusting yourself more. It may take a little longer but it will be 100% yours when you get there.

Good luck!