AIBU? We don’t want anymore children?

[Unknown1989]

Me and DH are both in our 20’s we have a lovely DS who is 10months and DH and me agree we are ‘one and done’.

We have agreed that a vasectomy will be the best option in 5years time but close family and friends seem horrified with the prospect. Advising me on copper and coil instead.

We understand a male vasectomy is more permanent than other options. But it is permanent protection we are after. I’m not usually bothered by other peoples opinions but the comments of ‘you will want another one’ is really bugging me. And that my child will be lonely?

Will you provide a cleaner and cover childcare costs? Will you aid my body in the 9months I carry another child? Will you be there with all the mental and physical challenges we face with another child? No.

I understand everyone has a right to their own opinion but why do people feel so entitled to have their views on the course of other peoples lives?

If I did want ‘another’ I would know and we are giving ourselves 5years to make that decision.

AWBU?

I know someone who had a vasectomy at age 25, he did have 4 children though. First was born when he was 17.

I was sterilised at 30 with a 6yr old.
Now 43 with a 18yr old, gave never regretted it.
People will assume you'll change your mind so as others have said, don't tell them.

One of my friends wanted to have only one child. They had one child already and went for vasectomy. one year later, their son died. they left with nothing!

You might enjoy these podcasts OP

I remember telling people (mum and Close friends) I wanted my tubes tied (after 2 children) and most people were horrified. Lol. Weird.

[quote Unknown1989]@SmidgenofaPigeon something that may seem weird to you, may be completely normal for someone else. We can be so narrow minded as to expect everyone to share the same ‘comfort’ levels as us. Or the world will be a boring world [/quote]
Odd remarks coming from someone who feels free to condescend to a stranger that it's sad they don't talk about contraception to their sibling. Have a look in a mirror if you want to see a narrow mind

I'd love DH to have vasectomy or for me to be sterilised. But I'm way to afraid that the DCs will die in a car crash or something and we won't be able to have anymore!

So we said we would wait until we are 45! Only 13 years to go!

If you think you can handle life with out anymore (including the one you've got) then go for it.

@toconclude thanks, I did think that was odd too! OP doesn’t even know if I have siblings or not, so it’s a weird assumption to make really that I do but must just not be close to them.

As it is, I have two younger brothers, who would be very uncomfortable and perplexed indeed if I were to discuss my family planning with them

Hi OP, you are complaining about people who feel entitled to give opinions on your family planning decisions - yet here you are on AIBU asking for opinions from the world and it’s aunt

Anyway, of course it’s nobody else’s business.

But seeing as you asked , a vasectomy if he’s in his 20s is fairly drastic. Nobody knows what the future holds. You could be divorced from him in another 10 years. He might meet someone else at 40 who might want kids.

Hopefully this won’t happen, but you never know.... Anyway, you say you’re waiting 5 years before he has the vasectomy, so why are you stressing about it now? Who knows where you’ll be in 5 years?

It doesn't stop once you have two anyway. I've had friends and family who asked me if I was having another, or tried to cajole me into it. "One and done" is all you have to say in response!

What the hell has it got to do with anyone apart from your husband and yourself?

There's no need to create a drama about your own personal choices of contraception.

People should keep their opinions and views to themselves but at the same time, a significant enough number of people do change their mind and either go on to have another child or regret not being able to so that’s why you’re getting the comments (and why the NHS is often reluctant to agree to vasectomies and sterilisation).

If you over-share private details like this, you can't blame others to tell you their opinion. You are the one starting the discussion!

It’s no ones business but your own. My ex had a vasectomy at 21 because he didn’t want more, if you know, you know

The reason those of who are saying we wouldn't discuss this is not because we are shy or not close to our families. It's because we don't want their opinions opinions. It's beyond childish to raise a subject for discussion e.g. dhs testicles and then be miffed when people actually discuss it! And if it's open for discussion then there is no reason whatsoever that they will agree with you. Do your own thing. Why do you need the validation of your siblings?

Have the number of children you want and can cope with. It’s no one else’s business.

It's up to you and your dh. If you're both sure on one and done then so be it, your family and friends should have no say in this what so ever and I would also stop mentioning it to them.
Me and my dp have 2 ds and were done. And thinking of going down vasectomy route too and I can't imagine telling family and friends that, it's not their business.

If you are 100% sure you don't want more children why wait 5 years for him to have the op? Alot can happen between then an now and not all protection is 100% effective accidents happen. So why not have op sooner there is no need to tell anybody anything about it.

You cant possibly decide when you have a 10 month old. I intended to have 2 children, but when DC1 was 10 months old I had just recovered from his birth. I don't think I'd even had sex. I couldn't say I didn't want more but having more was not on my radar. Of course everyone is different, but honestly give it some time.

They had one child already and went for vasectomy. one year later, their son died. they left with nothing!

Pretty sure nobody who has lost a child has ever thought ‘it’s ok we have another one!’

@Mymapuddlington I think a lot of people do, depending on age. I know sadly a couple of people that have done exactly this and quite quickly.

It's also if you happen to spilt and start again you may find you want to have a second family.

It's also if you happen to spilt and start again you may find you want to have a second family.

This was my first thought. Statistically the relationship is likely to fail, and lots of people (men in particularly) seem to think they're lions and have to have a baby with every woman they get with. You have to make sure you're "one and done" forever, not just in your current relationship.

Not that it's a bad thing if men are unable to do the lion thing...

My partner and I have had 2 and then decided that we are done. I had 2 EMCS’s so I think for me I am not naturally built for labour by the looks of it and he has has said he doesn’t want anymore either and he is happy to be the one that has the snip so he had that done last year.

It was the best decision we could ever make & we are both in our 20’s (well he turned 30 recently but he was 29 when he had it done) The referring doctor still asked him if he was being “pushed” into it. He kept saying blink twice if you aren’t sure 🙄

We’ve both agreed that means our two DC (girl and boy) are it for us even if we separated etc. so that makes me feel more reassured that after two csections he wouldn’t have another if we split. I mean not that I could control him if we split but I’d say if my body is ruined at having any more children, then if he didn’t have any more that is fair 🤷🏼‍♀️

We’ve both agreed that means our two DC (girl and boy) are it for us even if we separated etc. so that makes me feel more reassured that after two csections he wouldn’t have another if we split. I mean not that I could control him if we split but I’d say if my body is ruined at having any more children, then if he didn’t have any more that is fair 🤷🏼‍♀️

What?! Please explain. What’s fair and why?

We’ve agreed that not having anymore with each other or other people if something were to happen so either of us is fair on both our children and the fact that in order to have them I have had two csections.

I wouldn’t possibly have anymore even though I know three is pretty much advised as being the limit and he has said that he would not have anymore because he wants to protect the 2 children he does have with me anyway.