AIBU? We don’t want anymore children?

[Unknown1989]

Me and DH are both in our 20’s we have a lovely DS who is 10months and DH and me agree we are ‘one and done’.

We have agreed that a vasectomy will be the best option in 5years time but close family and friends seem horrified with the prospect. Advising me on copper and coil instead.

We understand a male vasectomy is more permanent than other options. But it is permanent protection we are after. I’m not usually bothered by other peoples opinions but the comments of ‘you will want another one’ is really bugging me. And that my child will be lonely?

Will you provide a cleaner and cover childcare costs? Will you aid my body in the 9months I carry another child? Will you be there with all the mental and physical challenges we face with another child? No.

I understand everyone has a right to their own opinion but why do people feel so entitled to have their views on the course of other peoples lives?

If I did want ‘another’ I would know and we are giving ourselves 5years to make that decision.

AWBU?

Whatever you do people will have an opinion. I have 4, obviously they don’t get enough attention each and I’m killing the planet.

My husband had the snip when our only child was a few months old, so scarred were we by the whole newborn experience! We didn't discuss it with anyone else though.

She's 2 now and I can't ever imagine having a moment of regret about our decision. So, no YANBU.

I have never discussed my family planning or contraceptive choices with other people. Nor would I.

I personally know how much what I've wanted and planned for has changed a lot since I was in my 20s and how many friends have split up/formed new relationships etc and for that reason I am glad I didn't make many decisions I couldn't change. I would counsel similar caution to close friends Inn their 20s now if asked.

But your reproductive choices are yours alone and I just wouldn't have these conversations.

Everyone always has an opinion. I still get asked when we are going to have another, I have 3! You just have to learn to not give it head space. Husband also had a vasectomy but he did have some complications so I do wish I'd had a coil as I have no problem with birth control. We also discussed of we weren't together for what ever reason would he want more and it was a firm no 6 years ago and is still the same now.

If you know you know. Do what’s right for you. My DH & I never set out to have one. He has 5 siblings I have one. We knew early on that we were happy with one, it wasn’t up for discussion with anyone - our choice.
If asked if we planned any more I would just cheerfully say I was very happy with DC & didn’t need any more.
DH went for a vasectomy when DC was 11 - MIL said I guess you won’t be having any more !!!!😂😂🤷‍♀️

I have to admit I find all the people saying ‘just don’t share’ really odd. It’s not inconceivable that some families and friends are close enough that this would come up in the course of a normal conversation. My family and friends know so so much about all sorts of things (some of it shared whilst we are slightly inebriated I’m not going to pretend). If you can’t talk about real things going on in your life to your nearest and dearest - well that’s a sad state of affairs.

OP your friends and family are probably just concerned and have your best interests at heart. Just say ‘well we are happy as we are and aren’t planning on doing it right now so we have time to change our minds’. That should do it.

@Holly60 some people are more private/introverted than others. Yes, even when they drink. There is nothing ‘sad’ about that at all.

It does not mean we don’t have have valuable and lasting friendships and relationships, and talk about a wealth of topics, and other personal things if we do wish.

I’d suggest someone with your mindset is the ‘sad state of affairs’ here.

@Holly60 I agree, I’m very surprised at the amount of people that have a problem with me ‘over sharing’ with close loved ones.

@SmidgenofaPigeon
I don’t think anyone is sad.
The people who feel comfortable to share I guess are lucky that they feel they can?

And the people who can’t may be lucky as their decisions won’t be scrutinised by others.

You wanting one child or none is your own choice, you know what is best for you but think about the contraceptive options if they are reverseble, you might change your mind in the future.

DH had a vasectomy three years ago, when we were early 30s. We know we want no more. I can't use hormonal contraception. So it makes sense.

And honestly... not worrying about contraception failure is liberating.

I see their point. No one knows how they'll feel about any life decision in 5 years even though we sometimes stick with our original thoughts we can't know for sure until the time comes. Life is full of surprises. You might be with a new partner having got divorced by then!

That being said, what you go round thinking and planning is your business together and noone else's!

I'm in my 20s and debating getting my tubes tied. I'm not discussing this with family as they will inevitably trot out all the typical stuff.

You know your mind, OP, and it's a sensible decision to make.

OP please can you report back in 5 years?!

Seriously, none of their business. Although I would note that when I was your age I was adamant I wasn’t having any kids. Then after DC1 I was adamant I wasn’t having any more. Currently trying to get DC2 to sleep. Definitely done now

Do what you want. Don't tell anyone if you don't want a discussion about it

@Unknown1989

I didn't vote, because although YANBU to want just one child, and it's sod-all to do with anyone else, YABU to complain about people opinions when you invited those opinions. As a few posters have said, why the F are you telling people your DH is getting the snip?

We have one and are very happy with our decision.

Glad to see your husband is willing to take his role in birth control seriously. Vasectomies are incredibly freeing for a committed mixed-sex couple and much lower risk than any of the options available to women.

I think people are just concerned you may change your mind. I had my 2nd child at 24 (first at 20) and I was done. Well, I thought I was. 12 years later I suddenly had a desire to have one more (same father for all 3). That child just turned 18. I'm so glad I didnt do anything permanent when I was 24. Now I'm not saying you would change your mind, but lots of people do and I think that is just want your family and friends are worrying about with you being so young.

Have Have marina fitted first and then get sterilised yourself?

It's fine to discuss it with family and friends if you want to. However if you do you can't be surprised that they offer an opinion.
People always feel entitled to comment on how many children you "should" be having. You just have to ignore them.

You're within your rights to discuss this with other people - but you can't then be annoyed when they have an opinion on it. You brought it up, you discussed it, you opened the floor for their opinions... What are they supposed to do? Lie to you and say they think it's a good idea? Or just sit in total silence?

@SmidgenofaPigeon

You just don’t need to discuss it. I can’t imagine why you would. We only plan on the one too but that’s certainly not up for wider family discussion.

I’d cringe myself inside out as an adult woman discussing long term contraceptive choices with my immediate family.

My BIL once started chatting away about my SIL's contraception 🤷🏼‍♀️. They are siblings. It was beyond uncomfortable.

My sister and her husband thought they were pregnant once - they had agreed no children. It turned out to be a scare but affected my sister so much she had her tubes tied about 28. I was not surprised, my sister had been telling me since she was 13 there was no way she was having kids.
Fast forward 8 years and my sister is divorced and dating a new man who wants children. She was clear - only stay with me if you are prepared to not have kids and he decided to stay.
Fast forward another year, my sister takes herself off secretly without partner to an IVF clinic to see if its feasible to have her tubes untied. It's not.
Fast forward three months and my sister and her partner are having IVF at the age of 38 and they get three eggs but only one became an embroy....but it was a strong one and luckily it took and she now has a strapping lovely almost 15 year old son.
You are too young to know your future decisions.

I understand everyone has a right to their own opinion but why do people feel so entitled to have their views on the course of other peoples lives?

Because if you willingly enter into a discussion with people then you have to expect them to give their opinion back which may not what you want to hear/be in agreement with you? If you are so certain and confidant in your decision it shouldn't bother you if they give an opinion or not surely?

By you saying "one and done" you are having a pretty big view on the course of your only child's life 🤷‍♀️

I could have written your post word for word. DH and I are 20s/30s and have one child and we're absolutely done. I'm not putting my body/mental health through it again and I love being a team of 3.

Giving birth is so horrific I have no idea how we aren't extinct.

I had so many comments. Loads of people telling me I'll change my mind with a stupid wry grin on their face. My career is now flying, DS is 3 and everyone has finally accepted it and stopped banging on about us having more kids. You'll get there too!