AIBU? We don’t want anymore children?

[Unknown1989]

Me and DH are both in our 20’s we have a lovely DS who is 10months and DH and me agree we are ‘one and done’.

We have agreed that a vasectomy will be the best option in 5years time but close family and friends seem horrified with the prospect. Advising me on copper and coil instead.

We understand a male vasectomy is more permanent than other options. But it is permanent protection we are after. I’m not usually bothered by other peoples opinions but the comments of ‘you will want another one’ is really bugging me. And that my child will be lonely?

Will you provide a cleaner and cover childcare costs? Will you aid my body in the 9months I carry another child? Will you be there with all the mental and physical challenges we face with another child? No.

I understand everyone has a right to their own opinion but why do people feel so entitled to have their views on the course of other peoples lives?

If I did want ‘another’ I would know and we are giving ourselves 5years to make that decision.

AWBU?

@NakedAttraction

OP please can you report back in 5 years?!

Seriously, none of their business. Although I would note that when I was your age I was adamant I wasn’t having any kids. Then after DC1 I was adamant I wasn’t having any more. Currently trying to get DC2 to sleep. Definitely done now

I never wanted kids when I was OPs age. I still don't have them or want them at the age of 43.

I was an only child and never lonely as a child at all!

I have 2 kids and was certain I wanted 2... number 2 took a long time to get her so we have a 5 year age gap. I absolutely love both my kids and have no regrets having 2 however for me having 2 is so much harder than I ever thought it would be. It actually made me really appreciate why some people choose to have 1.

It's totally your choice as is everyone's family size but people will always have opinions whether is be an only child, 2 kids of the same sex, having more than 2 or having a really large family. I have received many opinions about my 5 yr age gap, it's too big etc... not really my choice but hey let us roll over you and do what you and your hubby are happy with.

I new from the day my DD was born that I was one and done. It’s your choice!

TBH, if a friend told me what she and her DH were planning to have done to his testicles, I would be so startled I would invent a completely bogus opinion on the spot, just to have something to say to cover my shock.

I'm so envious of people who say they are one and done and are very happy with the decision. I have one, am 40 and DH is certain he doesn't want more. I have obsessed for years over whether I do or don't want another, but given DH's position it's largely academic.

Most of me doesn't have an urge to have another, but I feel guilty about not providing a sibling. If the decision were purely down to me I would have done it by now, not necessarily out of it desire to do so but out of a sense of 'should'.

I really wish I could just make my peace with it and move on mentally.

@SmidgenofaPigeon

You just don’t need to discuss it. I can’t imagine why you would. We only plan on the one too but that’s certainly not up for wider family discussion.

I’d cringe myself inside out as an adult woman discussing long term contraceptive choices with my immediate family.

This is exactly the kind of conversation I'd have with my sister and mum, and I know many of my friends would too. If you're not comfortable doing so that's fine but it's really not unusual.

I’m so confused as to why people are so shocked you would discuss contraceptive choices with close family and friends?! Not the point of the thread but it’s not exactly outrageous, that’s the type of conversation I’d definitely have if it came up 🤷🏻‍♀️
OP if you’re done then stick to your guns! Nothing wrong with having/being an only child, it’s nobody else’s business.

People have this weird idea that the 'perfect' family is 2 kids (or three but only if the first two are the same sex and you wanted to try for a boy girl).

Have no kids? Madness you must want one!

Have one? Oh well you must want two!

Two boys? You will be wanting a girl!

Two boys? Must have a girl next!

One of each? Perfect thats you done now.

I have one of each and am considering a third but no way am I telling anyone irl as I don't want to hear their opinions.

YANBU at all. Up to you. That said, I am going to be a bit of a devil's advocate and say it's still good to wait a little while to act on it, to just sit with your decision. But 5 years because you are worried about doctors attitudes is a long time to have to faff about with birth control.

@crayray same except DH would have another if I said so. I know I can’t put myself through it again and at 40 I’m happy with the great life we can provide DS.
But it still lingers.
I think we always feel guilty about something though!

If you're that certain, you could easily do it sooner. Vasectomies are cheap in the scheme of things. No need to wait 5 years to get it free.

That said, given your age and the age of your DC, there's no way I'd make the 'one and done' decision, and that's not being condescending - this board is FULL of people who not only change their minds about wanting more DC, but also marriages that don't last either from divorce or death, and remarriages where people who were done having DC before are now in a whole new world and want DC with their new partner. Obviously that's not your intention in a million years - but nor was it anyone's intention when they were in their 20s and in love. There are so, so, so many unpredictables in life. It's not just a matter of knowing your own mind. It's being able to predict the future, which no one can. Give yourself at least until your 30s and look at it again.

[quote Unknown1989]@PaySeeWhiTa

That’s the internal dilemma I am also facing. I wouldn’t want that potential heartache for DH.[/quote]
and this is the reason I didn’t want my DH to have one. My own mother died at 40 very suddenly. Nothing is guaranteed

I’m the biggest over-sharer I know, and can’t imagine myself discussing this with family and friends. Maybe one or two v close friends.

[quote Abouttimemum]@crayray same except DH would have another if I said so. I know I can’t put myself through it again and at 40 I’m happy with the great life we can provide DS.
But it still lingers.
I think we always feel guilty about something though![/quote]
That's very true. One of the reasons I wouldn't want another is that at my age, there is an increased risk that the child could have a significant health condition or disability, and in this situation, whilst we would of course love them just as much, it would make life harder and at times sad. And that would make me feel guilty given how straightforward DS' life is now.

Your relationship your choice. You might find it hard to find a practitioner who will carry out a vasectomy on your DH at what is deemed a young age.
We met the surgeon for a lengthy discussion about all the scenarios, separation, death of spouse, death of kids etc. before he allowed us to sign a permission form.
We were so done after two kids and personally a life time of hormone contraception was not an option.

Absolutely you choice but I agree that your oh might struggle to find a practitioner who agree to do a vasectomy on someone under 30.

They have so many tales of men coming back to them crying that it was the worse decision ever despite being so sure at the time. Sadly, a number resort to using them, in the basis that they didn't get enough counselling, although all get one session.

Death, separation, new relationship, so much can happen.

Its a mad idea at your age. But if you do decide to go ahead I agree with not telling anyone.

Quite amused by the pearl-clutching on this thread. Especially the poster "would just make something up" out of shock at hearing their sibling would be expecting her husband to get a vasectomy! Absolute madness.

Hey sis, that kid is pretty cute, do you think you'll have any more?

-No, we'll wait a few years to see, but Bob is probably having a vasectomy.

Honestly from the answers, you'd think the Op had told her mother that Bob would purely be coming all over her tits or in her arse from now on as contraception.

And no, I would not be taking long-term contraception or the coil so that Dh could get someone else pregnant in the future if he felt like it, when he didn't want anymore with me! Hell to the no my friend. Condoms if he wants them, but that's on him.

I'm in the same situation as you OP, me and DH are both in our 20s and have a 12 month old DD and are "one and done" the struggles I have faced postpartum are huge and I could never put myself through that again. I love my DD more than anything and she is "perfect" in my eyes! I don't know what we would be having another baby for (apart from to give DD a sibling) which does play on my mind but she has a cousin the same age as her who we are incredibly close with. I get so many questions about when we are going to have another one and no matter how many times I say we are not people just won't have it 🙄

If you insist on discussing suchba private mater with people you can't really be surprised they have an opinion.

I would never dream of discussing such a private matter because I honestly wouldn't be even vaguely interested in the views of others.

Kindly, I think you were unwise and you have opened a real can of worms that will be discussed ad infinitum behind your back by those you have told.
🤷🏻‍♀️

It's fine to share but if you do people are going to think you are open to their opinions. If you arent then it's like you made some weird public service announcement .

It's fine to share but if you do people are going to think you are open to their opinions. If you arent then it's like you made some weird public service announcement .

If you say you're pregnant they can tell you it's a bad idea?

If you say you're engaged they can tell you they think your fiance is ugly?

I got a new job! meh couldn't you do better than that?

I don't understand this.

YANBU. I knew I was "one and done" when I had DS at 22 years old. Absolutely no one would accept it, it was always "you are so young, you'll want another."

DS is now 8 and I'm 30, I still categorically do not want any more children and I'd happily have my uterus and ovaries removed but they won't do it on someone my age.

I'm a quite private person, don't discuss my sex like with people. But I can tell you that several people I know have had coils, their husbands have had vasectomies, they're on the pill etc. It's not that big of a deal. Adult women in long-term relationships have children, or don't have children. But we all know they're having sex.

What's the difference between saying "Bob might have a vasectomy"

and "I'm pregnant! They both imply sex. Nothing more interesting that that. Nothing super private like "Bob prefers to wear scuba diving gear when we do it".