Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not make nephew 1st birthday

89 replies

rosepetalbed · 30/06/2021 15:51

I have already said we would go but since then dh has said the only week he can get off for the whole summer from work is the same week the party is so now we are thinking to try to get out of it but feel bad.

But not bad enough...

OP posts:
theleafandnotthetree · 01/07/2021 10:39

@BraveBananaBadge

Haven't read the whole thread but if you're open and honest about it surely your sister will understand.

My sister didn't bother with my DS2's first birthday and after that stopped bothering with DCs birthdays altogether. I'm a chicken and it hurt so much could never bear to ask why she wasn't interested (not in terms of gifts or anything, just a matter of wanting to see them on a happy occasion). So with that and some other unpleasant behaviours, our relationship is now really strained, I expect absolutely nothing from her now. If we'd talked it over it would have been fine - like pps have said, the child won't remember and there'll be plenty of attention from other visitors.

I have only one sibling and she doesn't have any children, loves mine very much etc so in theory by your criteria she 'should' be there at their birthdays. 24 years of birthdays now and she's been at maybe 2 or 3 and it never even occured to me that this was anything to feel hurt by, much less to precipitate a strain in our relationship. I don't get this at all, but I guess I'm just not a sentimental person. I care about relationships 365 days a year and can never seem to get exercised about things like birthdays and Christmas the way other people do
Biker47 · 01/07/2021 10:57

a 1st birthday is quite a big deal

No they're not.

animaginativeusername · 01/07/2021 11:03

Go on holiday, prioritise your own family time. 1st birthday are special for the parents and maybe grandparents of golden child Grin

BraveBananaBadge · 01/07/2021 11:16

@theleafandnotthetree obviously that's great if that's works for you, in this case this was a sudden and definite attitude change from my DSis (among other behaviours) that honestly hasn't been nice. Previously she was happy to get involved and make a fuss. Now they're old enough to ask where she is and why she's not there and there's no real answer for them.

A child's birthday is a big deal for them and a milestone for a mum, so anyone close who was interested in either of them would surely acknowledge that even if it was just a text?

Notaroadrunner · 01/07/2021 11:18

@AuntieMarys

Go on holiday!! A baby's 1st birthday means nothing to anyone except the parents.
Spot on. Go on your holiday.
Enko · 01/07/2021 11:28

Go on the holiday and suggest to your sister you do a special day out somewhere yo make the occasion another time so he has 2 dates should keep everyone happy

claralara42 · 01/07/2021 11:35

If they say a word just remind them they did not go to your PFB's 1st birthday.

theleafandnotthetree · 01/07/2021 11:37

[quote BraveBananaBadge]@theleafandnotthetree obviously that's great if that's works for you, in this case this was a sudden and definite attitude change from my DSis (among other behaviours) that honestly hasn't been nice. Previously she was happy to get involved and make a fuss. Now they're old enough to ask where she is and why she's not there and there's no real answer for them.

A child's birthday is a big deal for them and a milestone for a mum, so anyone close who was interested in either of them would surely acknowledge that even if it was just a text?

[/quote]
I don't know the ins and outs of your situation and of course a birthday should ideally be acknowledged in SOME way by aunts and uncles, etc but would consider their attendance at birthdays to be an expectation too far. If they're around and it suits, lovely but otherwise? The real answer for a child to the question is, if I'm being kind, well Aunt Jane had something else on but I would gently be reminding them that other people's childrens birthdays are just not that important in the grand scheme of things. Are you saying EVERY birthday is a milestone for the mum, surely not. And the OP is proposing to do a lot more than send a text. I think she would be mad to do anything other than go on holiday

BraveBananaBadge · 01/07/2021 11:45

@theleafandnotthetree Definitely agree the OP should go on the holiday! All she can do is be open and honest about it and makes time for the nephew in other ways, which she obviously does.

ArchbishopOfBanterbury · 01/07/2021 11:51

It's been a horrible year to be a new parent. I'd try and go, if it's at all possible. Not for your nephew, but for the parents.

Can you holiday near them, and go just for the day?

VeganVeal · 01/07/2021 12:03

@30degreesandmeltinghere

Send gold, and the other 2.. Spelling isn't working today!! Grin
Its Frankenstein and Grrrr
emmathedilemma · 01/07/2021 12:07

Go on holiday, he's a baby who won't even remember the occasion for goodness sake!

EmmaGrundyForPM · 01/07/2021 12:10

Holiday every time. Especially as its the only chance you have.

If your sister has a problem with that, then tough.

HoboSexualOnslow · 01/07/2021 12:46

If you were my sister I'd insist you go on holiday!

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 01/07/2021 12:51

I wouldn’t even consider going to a first birthday party let alone miss a chance to go on holiday for one. Have a fantastic week off op.

Zari29 · 01/07/2021 12:56

I wouldn't give up a holiday for a 1st birthday party. Especially a holiday after such a difficult year. Just go on holiday and send a present. A first is only really special to the parents.

FionnulaTheCooler · 01/07/2021 12:56

Go on the holiday. We missed DH's nephew's 1st birthday because it fell on our wedding anniversary weekend and we wanted to go away and celebrate, we were TTC and hoping it would be our last one to celebrate just the two of us, happily for us it did turn out that way. Nephew neither noticed or cared we were absent.

Youdiditanyway · 01/07/2021 13:01

Explain it’s the only week you’ll be able to go away so you can’t go but you want to see them before you go away and take a lovely present with you. First birthdays are important for the parents rather than child, the baby has no idea what’s going on.

TotorosCatBus · 01/07/2021 13:02

Yanbu - he's 1 and would be happy to be spoilt by you the weekend afterwards or whenever you're free.

First birthdays are for adults really.

MimiSunshine · 01/07/2021 13:16

Wait. You have children and so if you don’t go away that week they would t get a holiday at all?

Sorry but anyone who thinks the 1 year old party trumps other children having a holiday are nuts.

Just make sure you tell your family that your children would miss the only holiday they could.

lap90 · 01/07/2021 13:54

Errrm, aren't lots of places booked up already for summer hols in the UK?

You might find it hard to find accommodation for the week anyway.

Yummymummy2020 · 01/07/2021 13:57

As someone who has two babies and one who will likely be able to celebrate their first birthday in 11 months, and one who never got to really due to lockdown, I would say go, if it was me I wouldn’t mind at all to be honest. I get that people want a break and in your case it’s your only opportunity. But I don’t really mind who comes to things in general once I have notice that they are not where possible if they did agree to come already purely for budget purposes!

Yaykyay · 01/07/2021 14:00

I adore my nieces and can't imagine even wanting to do this. But I guess if you're not bothered then it doesn't matter if you're there.

tallduckandhandsome · 01/07/2021 14:05

@Yaykyay have a medal

Metallicalover · 01/07/2021 14:19

@Yaykyay I adore my niece and nephew and have excellent relationships the other 364 days per year! My sis and SIL would insist that we would go in this instance. Probably ask if we need a lift to an airport if we were going abroad!