Will I end up parenting alone?

[Orangelemon2]

My husband and I have been discussing ttc a bit more seriously recently.

We have a few major hurdles in our way before we can even think about it, but neither of us can reach a conclusion.

1. DH works away (150+ miles away) Monday to Friday. He has his own business and works on site, no possibility to WFH. This would not change if we were lucky enough to conceive due to him being the (considerably) higher earner .

2. we have no friends or family close by for support. I am NC with both my parents, his family live in Scotland (we are very south east) and my only sibling close by is an hour away! Our friends live scattered around the country. When I say support I mean post natal cup of tea to any help with childcare, frequent or just one offs.

3. I have worked incredibly hard to get where I am in my job (Vet Nurse), I work nights in a referral centre seeing a lot of intense cases that gives me great job satisfaction. I am worried I will have to give up my career.

My worries are that I will end up being very isolated, in a village with no friends or family close by, without a job I adore and no husband Monday to Friday for support.

If anyone has any suggestions for solutions or compromises that may help us, this would be greatly appreciated.

Could you afford a live in nanny? Seems like that's the only solution if DH is away all week and you work nights, unless you were to look for a different job in a vet practice with more traditional 9-5 hours.

Well you have no ties to where you currently live - any chance of moving close to DH work? That way he can be home every night. As for work- any chance of you changing your hours to match opening times at your local nursery? Or moving to a different practice? SAHM didn’t suit me, I was keen to get back to work and my DD loves nursery.

Unfortunately changing practice would be as good as leaving the profession. I’m in such a niche area and the hospital I’m at is incredible to staff and patients, I couldn’t go anywhere else.

As for moving closer to DH work, he’s near Wales which would be even further away from my sister and also too far away for work.

I’m really not sure how people manage to do it!
Will definitely look into a nanny…

I know some people manage with arrangements like this but I have to be honest I just don't get it. At the moment you are basically in a long distance relationship where you meet up at weekends. I think if you want to raise children together every day one of you will need to give up their job and get another job near where the other one works so you can live together nearby. Only you two know whose job would be easier to get new employment in.

In the circumstances if your husband won't give up his job, you're going to have to get a live in nanny or give up or change your job. There isn't any other option?

Yes you would be parenting alone.

Is it fair to bring a child into this world fully knowing they would see so less of their father?

Either dh or you yourself need to move closer to the other.

Is it fair to bring a child into this world fully knowing they would see so less of their father?
Not just the father. Mum works nights so would need to sleep during the day. The baby would basically be raised by the nanny (would it be financially worthwhile to have a nanny?)

OP I don't think your job and life situation are compatible for raising a baby alone. I think you and your DH need to sit down and talk about what your joint priorities are.

@Takenoprisoner I don’t think it would be any different to any other child that sees their father at the weekends.

@ColettesEarrings I think you are right, these are things we had discussed but weren’t sure if we were missing something.

@DeathStare it works for us atm, not so sure it will if we ttc. I also don’t want to move to wales, child or no child.

@DeathStare currently work is my priority, this would change. I may be able to change to days, I just wasn’t sure if we were missing an obvious solution that would please all parties.

Financially having a nanny wouldn’t be a concern for us, neither of us want to give up our careers we’ve worked so hard for.

I guess the other option would be that the child lives with your DH and you use childcare where he lives and you visit on weekends. If he has a roughly 9 to 5 job then the childcare would be a lot cheaper for him than a nanny.

You pay for childcare. Live in or live out support.
Simple as that.
He earns a lot so out of joint income you pay for full on childcare eg nanny
No need to give up your job.

Presumably your night shifts are not every night so in a week you haVe many awake daytime hours?
If you can get nanny I don't see the issue
Maybe dh will change his job to be around more

@Orangelemon2

Yes, lots of dc see their fathers only at the weekends, however, firstly, that is mainly due to parents splitting up, and father/mother moving away. Those parents did not plan for their dc to see so little of either parents, which you clearly are.

Secondly, those children ARE affected by that sort of upbringing, and it would be disingenuous to suggest otherwise. Your child would be affected likewise and to suggest they won't is being in denial.

Working full time nights would be pretty miserable with no support from your DP. Days not so much. If it really is a cup of tea and very occasional emergency help then join local baby groups and network hard to make your own support group ( you’d need to reciprocate obviously).

Childcare might work out more expensive than you’d imagine but can be sorted.

A friend had a similar situation where her DH was away a lot throughout the week ( and quite a bit at the weekend thanks to golf) and actually got into their own routine which suited her well.

But yes, essentially if your DH is away 5/7 then you will be doing it alone.

@Embracelife
Currently I work a 4nights on, 5 nights off pattern.
It looks like a nanny would be our current option, but as someone else mentioned above we wouldn’t want our child to be raised by the nanny. Nothing against those that do, it’s just not for us.
Things may change if I move onto days, childcare would be much easier.

Why would you not be able to find a job in Wales @Orangelemon2? Even if you wouldn't be able to do your exact job elsewhere, you'd be able to find something similar to a vet nurse role surely?

Myself and DH don't have any family or friends nearby to us cause we settled in a new city after finishing Uni. I would never choose to entirely give up my career, but given your scenario I'd definitely be willing to move to live near DHs work and take a slightly adjusted role then rely on formal child care such as nursery or a childminder. I would then plan to make friends via an app like Peanut and via NCT or mom and baby classes. You can also meet people via signing up for general sports/hobbies in the new area.

Can you request to change onto day shifts? Like you said, childcare would be much easier to find then, you could use nursery, childminder, or a nanny. If your DH is a high earner then presumably you could afford the childcare even if you had to return to work full time?

I understand husband cant change locations of his work place, You don't want to move because you work in a niche sector.

Take a step back and evaluate the purpose of life? If I was in your position I would move closer to husbands work place and find something similar to what my professionalism is. Id rather have my husband with me every day then have my sister who lives an hour away with me once a week.

Think realistically, because once you have a baby you will need the support, baby will need the father figure in their life full time not part time.

[quote Orangelemon2]@Embracelife
Currently I work a 4nights on, 5 nights off pattern.
It looks like a nanny would be our current option, but as someone else mentioned above we wouldn’t want our child to be raised by the nanny. Nothing against those that do, it’s just not for us.
Things may change if I move onto days, childcare would be much easier.[/quote]
You will raise your child
Make decisions about food religion education etc
Regardless of using childcare for however many hours

What is "raising a child"?

If you send a child to school
You still raise your child
If child has different caregivers
If you as parent choose them and instruct them...you are still raising your child.

It s such a daft notion to suggest that using childcare means you no longer raise/make decisions about your child upbringing

Lots of people in military work away fir long periods
Or offshore
They can still have close bonds with their kids
It s how they approach it

@Takenoprisoner my DH leaves before the kids get up and gets home just as they are going to bed so I’m not sure it’s that dissimilar and I don’t think that’s massively unusual.

OP I think your only option is a nanny for when you go back to work if you want to work nights still.
People do what you describe OP, wives of men in the forces often have to parent alone. In my experience the most difficult part will be the early weeks; would you be able to go and stay with your DH near his work during the week if you’re having a hard time and need some support in the evenings?

If you are effectively a single parent in the week and you work nights then you will need a nanny - and they will have to be a very good one as they will be alone for bedtime/ night wakings - even if you take a year of Mat Leave - a 1 yr old will still wake atnight/ have teething episodes that stop them sleeping etc.

You will need very very good childcare and a nanny prepared to do night stuff.

What may happen is you begin to resent your husband for never being there exhausted as you will be, picking up baby after night shifts.

At the moment presumably when you do nights - you then sleep most of the day - so you are asking a nanny to do night cover then part of the day as well - its a tough gig!

You will end up doing lots of childcare when exhausted.

People do manage but your circumstances are pretty tough - ie. lone parent doing night work.

Making friends is actually one of the best things of having a baby though - so - I don't think not being near family matters. Many people I know live nowhere near family - it's more your childcare situation that is difficult.

Can your Dh change jobs?

Doctors and nurses work night shifts too.
They still raise their children

It’s not really parenting alone is it. It’s deciding how you and your husband want to manage work and childcare. And there’s nothing wrong with that, but you’ll not be alone.

Vet nurse even in a specialism isn't specific to one place, moving close to your dh's work and looking for a daytime position is your best long term option, I can't see how you can work nights with a lo without family help