Will I end up parenting alone?

[Orangelemon2]

My husband and I have been discussing ttc a bit more seriously recently.

We have a few major hurdles in our way before we can even think about it, but neither of us can reach a conclusion.

1. DH works away (150+ miles away) Monday to Friday. He has his own business and works on site, no possibility to WFH. This would not change if we were lucky enough to conceive due to him being the (considerably) higher earner .

2. we have no friends or family close by for support. I am NC with both my parents, his family live in Scotland (we are very south east) and my only sibling close by is an hour away! Our friends live scattered around the country. When I say support I mean post natal cup of tea to any help with childcare, frequent or just one offs.

3. I have worked incredibly hard to get where I am in my job (Vet Nurse), I work nights in a referral centre seeing a lot of intense cases that gives me great job satisfaction. I am worried I will have to give up my career.

My worries are that I will end up being very isolated, in a village with no friends or family close by, without a job I adore and no husband Monday to Friday for support.

If anyone has any suggestions for solutions or compromises that may help us, this would be greatly appreciated.

You COULD, either of you, make work changes, you don’t want to. Vet nurse jobs all over the UK, just not as specialised as your current role.

Night shifts not great with DC.

I wouldn’t want to have a DC with someone away Mon to Fri. So if it’s a profitable business would either move close to that, not have DC, or seek a new DH!

Sorry, seen your updates on your H’s work. So he’s a ‘self employed’ contractor, working all over? That’s not very compatible with sharing parenting.

It might help your planning if you think of a baby/small child as a full time demanding job that has to be 'done" from home. You are thinking about how 2 people will do 3 demanding jobs between them.

Reading negative comments about the father working away from home during the week, wondering if same people would have an issue if he was soldier.

My dad was away a lot when I was very small (at sea). I think it's fine for the DC provided they have an involved parent at home 7 days a week and the parent who is away stays in touch etc.

However, I absolutely wouldn't want to be the parent at home sucking up all the drudgework. I think it's harder on the other partner than the DC.

DH works away (150+ miles away) Monday to Friday. He has his own business and works on site, no possibility to WFH. This would not change if we were lucky enough to conceive

Well that changed even before you conceived

he isn’t permanently there. He could get a contract close to home in two weeks or be told that his contract in Wales is ending in two weeks
He has been looking to retrain in IT where he can work closer to home/WFH
He needs to be working somewhere he can travel home. He is happy to take a pay cut to do so, closer to the time
He has suggested he work from home in a new job

So basically the entire point of this post - that your DH permanently works a long distance from home and this will continue after a baby is born - is not actually true at all?

@DeathStare
Exactly. No need to retrain either.

@Briarshollow

Really off topic but are you at FP Referrals?

That was my thought.

If that is the case... there are other such placse, no they don't have quite the high profile but also, a less pressured working environment. I have heard working there can be pretty toxic at times!

@Briarshollow I am not, no.

@Sceptre86 I’ve been looking into nannies, I don’t think this will work for us purely because of the amount of time that we’ll need covering. It’s not realistic to expect someone to look after the child all day and then stay overnight and be ‘on call’ should they need anything.

I have worked days before so have no concerns about moving over, it just depends if there is a vacancy on the day team.

I think the only real option is for DH to move closer and take a pay cut.
Currently time isn’t of the essence, we’re looking to start ttc early 2022 but I’m aware it would be naive of me to think it’s going to be easy, so many people struggle and this is in the back of my mind. We’ll cross this bridge at the time.

@Seasidemumma77 my thoughts exactly.

@FakeFruitShoot yes we do actually want a baby. Previously I thought that I didn’t want children and was fine with that, we have no pressure from family to have a baby. But both of us do want a child.

I would love for my husband to work closer to home, but I appreciate that him working away has put me through extensive training, bought us a house. Unfortunately my profession doesn’t pay very well.

@DeathStare he is employed via his business that supplies a service that is not contractually ongoing. Once he finishes a project, he goes elsewhere. Where he is now, was meant to be a short term project that started in late 2018, they keep adding to the project. There is now so much to do that there is no change for the foreseeable, however, they could finish one part of the project and decide not to go ahead with the rest. Hence why things can change very quickly. During Covid, there was a 3 month break where production stopped due to KFC not being open and the factory he is working for didn’t have any income from supplying bread to KFC, so they didn’t want to expand due to financial reasons.

@WiddlinDiddlin it’s not FP I work for. I have never worked there and can’t comment on the environment.

I’m not really understanding why people would be so keen for someone to give up their dream job, where they are valued and appreciated to do something else if there is a way to make things work (DH come home).

@Orangelemon2

DH is also very much on board the baby train.

He has been looking to retrain in IT where he can work closer to home/WFH. He is looking into junior roles while we can take the pay cut, rather than doing it when we have extra financial strains.

I think he is slightly naive how much work goes into looking after a child for a day, let alone 24/7/365. He has suggested he work from home in a new job while looking after the child to save on childcare costs, I gently explained this is incredibly difficult even for seasoned parents.

Ignoring a baby while you sit working is neglectful and not remotely parenting. Children need to be engaged with, talked to, taken out, spoken with, read to. What he proposes is dreadful.

He is being very naive indeed.

I think 1 child and you will be fine and muddle through - I was in a very similar position. But when it went 2 plus I needed dh at home and I had to go pt. Mine all ended up having additional needs so job took a back seat.

Yes we do actually want a baby

Then something will have to give.

As PP says, 2 adults doing 3 full time, unsociable hours, demanding jobs is not going to work

So you either up the adults - with a nanny or family member or robust, reliable childcare... at an enormous but temporary financial cost.

Or you reduce the number of jobs - perhaps simply both working 50% of the hours you currently do, around each other...

Or somewhere in the middle. Less intense jobs, fewer hours, reduced commuting time. And buying in an extra pair of hands - childcare - when it's needed.

I’m not really understanding why people would be so keen for someone to give up their dream job, where they are valued and appreciated to do something else if there is a way to make things work (DH come home).

I think the problem is that the combination of your jobs is far from ideal if you're going to have a baby so at least one of you is going to have to seriously compromise.

You've said your husband earns the most, which is a big pro for him leaving his situation as it is. On the other hand, if his location isn't stable, then obviously that's far from ideal.

You love your job and that's great, but if it doesn't pay much then it may not be possible as a family for you to prioritise it. Also, shift work can be very difficult as a family. The pros of your job are (of course) your enjoyment of it, as well as the time off the shift work buys you.

I don't think anyone is saying you have to give up your dream job, just that unfortunately it may not be realistic for you to remain in that role unchanged from a practical point of view.

How old are you OP? Do you have time to wait and see how your careers develop. Vet nursing isn’t usually highly paid and a live in nanny could be double your salary.

I’m not really understanding why people would be so keen for someone to give up their dream job, where they are valued and appreciated to do something else if there is a way to make things work (DH come home).
I don't think anyone has suggested this since you said he COULD come home! Your OP read as if this wasn't remotely an option though, which is why you got suggestions to work around this immovable problem.

You said dh earned a lot more and he enjoys his job too. That is why people are suggesting you be the one to move jobs.

I think you are both underestimating how a child becomes the centre of your world when you have them. Everything revolves around wanting to do the best for them.

Inevitably different things crop up and you have to become very adaptable while trying to do your best for the child. Job satisfaction often comes second to providing for the child and spending time with them. You say your job is very niche, but so niche that you cannot change job and adapt? You said you were a veterinary nurse. It doesn't sound realistic to most people who have changed job to adapt to circumstances.

Could your DH change role in the same industry, so win business and sub-contract that to other contractors, develop his own client base locally? His work is so much at the whim of the people who contract him, maybe there’s a way of building on what he already does but moving up to call the shots a bit more.

You could compromise on working fewer hours, so 2-3 shifts a week instead of 4, or working the 3 weekend evenings so it fits with your DHs shifts. If you ttc and are successful in that straight away you’d have a year until you’d need to start arranging the childcare, and you could save up in that time so your DH could maybe work fewer jobs so you can get time together in the week once you’re both back at work.

If you want to find night time care options you could talk to other nurses/vets/doctors. There is one childminder in my area that does overnights/weekends and has kids of emergency services staff they look after.

Thank you for all your input. We’ve definitely decided that when the time comes he will move closer to home, that’s where we’ve drawn the line with him being away. It’ll be 4 years next summer which is not what I signed up for when he said ‘not for long’.

I will either move to days or as he’ll be home, stay on nights but part time but ideally days would be better.

We’re not keen on getting a nanny for such long periods of time through the week, we’d like to be quite hands on parents!

Something will have to give, and it will. In our case it was my DH’s job which involved him working away for half the year (touring theatre). Children take priority when they’re here.

[quote Orangelemon2]@Embracelife
Currently I work a 4nights on, 5 nights off pattern.
It looks like a nanny would be our current option, but as someone else mentioned above we wouldn’t want our child to be raised by the nanny. Nothing against those that do, it’s just not for us.
Things may change if I move onto days, childcare would be much easier.[/quote]
Rotating shifts would be harder to get a nanny for. Most would need to work the same days/nights each week.

So, here are your options after your mat leave:

1. you stay on nights, DH works days but close to home so he is home at night. Nights are solely DH when you are at work (fine) and you, when you are off work. Usually do you sleep in the daytime when you have worked at night? You can’t sleep in the day with a preschool child. Maybe an hour here or there at child’s naptime. That’s not enough so you will need daycare to enable you to sleep in the day. You may struggle to find daycare that allows a week on, a week off. You could pay for morning session at childcare full time, so you can get 3.5 hours sleep reliably, and on the days you didn’t work at night you can use that daycare time to do laundry and housework and batch cooking.
2. you switch to days, DH does whatever, you get daytime childcare. This is a more traditional full-time working pattern. Neither of you sees the child much in weekdays but most of us manage this fine.

Whatever you do, you need to see a way you would get six hours sleep in every 24 hour period, minimum. Not necessarily continuous sleep. That is basic survival if you are driving to work. You could assume a child over 1 year, sleeps from 7.30pm to 6am, waking a few times a night, and plan on that basis.

Your most vulnerable assumptions are:

1. chance of pregnancy. I know lots and lots of couples who got pregnant immediately after coming off contraception. I did. Twice. Don’t assume it will take months or more, unless your medical history indicates some problems in this area. You sound like me, a person who likes a plan. In many ways, children introduce a lot of lovely surprises and unexpected changes into your life. Instant pregnancy is the most amazing start to a very eventful journey!

2. that everything is straightforward. Do some what ifs.
   What happens when child is sick? Constant coughs and colds mean no daycare, and difficult nights. You can’t imagine how exhausting this is until you’ve been through it whilst trying to hold down a job.

What if it’s twins?

What if you have pregnancy illness, like dreadful morning sickness or needing to be on bed rest for the last two months?

What if baby is premature?

What if the child has some special needs, or is unwell?

What if you get seriously pnd and DH is working away during your mat leave?

All these challenges can have a solution but it definitely would be easier if your DH was able to be nearby. The point about military wives is they tend to build a strong support network in the community, and you don’t have that. Not at all. You are alone. So you would need to buy help, or make changes. Buying help is most feasible in the daytime, when most adult humans are awake. Finding night time help if you live in a village, not so easy.

My last thought is you must NOT under any circumstances plan for DH to work full time with a toddler under his care during the day. It is impossible if your job involves meetings, calls, deadlines. It would only work if it was totally flexible, effectively then he ends up working when the child is napping (very little, by 2 years) or when you are home or at night. It is possible for little bursts in an emergency but you can’t simply put a small child aside, it doesn’t work. He is hugely naive if he thinks it is possible.

My suggestion is, your DH needs a cat to keep him company, not a child.

Why don't you live near your husbands work if he's gone every week and is the much higher earner?

You can't be "hands on" parents in those circumstances. People are most likely negative about a father being away in the week because they've been there and it can be hellish when you're left doing all the parenting during the week and it usually means you end up doing everything at the weekend too as the other parent (the dad in 99.9999% of cases) hasn't a bloody clue because they haven't been there to learn and the DC are too used to mum. This was my life with young DC and for some it's a slippery slope of resentment that leads all the way to the divorce courts! Hence I would never recommend it. It's great you are having these discussions though, we didn't and it was a bit of a disaster.

Very curious about the suicide rates in the vetinary profession - can't think why that would be?! Off to google that one!

People do manage and it depends on how you want to manage the situation.

A friend of mine is an army wife and he is often away. She had very small children and had au pairs to help even when she wasn't working full time. So it is doable.