Will I end up parenting alone?

[Orangelemon2]

My husband and I have been discussing ttc a bit more seriously recently.

We have a few major hurdles in our way before we can even think about it, but neither of us can reach a conclusion.

1. DH works away (150+ miles away) Monday to Friday. He has his own business and works on site, no possibility to WFH. This would not change if we were lucky enough to conceive due to him being the (considerably) higher earner .

2. we have no friends or family close by for support. I am NC with both my parents, his family live in Scotland (we are very south east) and my only sibling close by is an hour away! Our friends live scattered around the country. When I say support I mean post natal cup of tea to any help with childcare, frequent or just one offs.

3. I have worked incredibly hard to get where I am in my job (Vet Nurse), I work nights in a referral centre seeing a lot of intense cases that gives me great job satisfaction. I am worried I will have to give up my career.

My worries are that I will end up being very isolated, in a village with no friends or family close by, without a job I adore and no husband Monday to Friday for support.

If anyone has any suggestions for solutions or compromises that may help us, this would be greatly appreciated.

In the gentlest way, you want to have a baby but not change anything else about your current life. It doesn’t really work like that. But you’re doing well to think things through so thoroughly before getting pregnant. Is DH on board with the baby plan?

I think you need to give serious consideration to looking for a job near your husband's work. There must be openings for vet nurses elsewhere. Whilst I realise you've landed in a particular part of the sector that you're obviously very much enjoying, you might well find similar satisfaction, once you've taken the plunge, in a different role. Plenty of people take a change of direction due to a family relocation or unexpected redundancy, and find that they enjoy the new job just as much, or that it leads to other things.

You'll no doubt have to take time out for maternity leave anyway, and nights might not be compatible with family life. So there will be some change coming up anyway.

It sounds like you don't have much of a support network in Wales either, but you would at least have your husband on hand. I'd be inclined to try and move and be settled before TTC, if time allows, so that you're used to living together full-time and have begun to meet people in your new area.

Get pregnant first you don't know if will take weeks or years

@DeathStare

I guess the other option would be that the child lives with your DH and you use childcare where he lives and you visit on weekends. If he has a roughly 9 to 5 job then the childcare would be a lot cheaper for him than a nanny.

This seems like the only doable idea to me. You move to your DH, and you be the one who works away, with a work pattern to maximise the time at home.

How would having a nanny work in practice with nights? Surely she'd do her 8-10 hours and be off when you got home .. which would leave you exhausted and caring for a newborn. Or if you'd go to sleep then she'd still be on the clock? I can't see many nannies finding that employment enjoyable (as a former nanny) unless the wage was very high to reflect living in 4-5 days a week.

To those suggesting we move closer to DH work, I don’t think I’ve made the situation clear, he isn’t permanently there. He could get a contract close to home in two weeks or be told that his contract in Wales is ending in two weeks. He is self employed and where he is currently is paying the most, hence why he’s there. We have lived together full time before, but for now, he is where he is.

Where I work isn’t like any other referral hospital, the culture there is much different to others. It is not somewhere I am ok with leaving.

Suggesting to ttc first because it can take time: I’d rather have worked out some of the major kinks prior. We may not be able to conceive, I know this, but I don’t want to have to make huge decisions and get ready for a new person in such a short period of time if we are lucky enough to conceive.

DH is also very much on board the baby train.

He has been looking to retrain in IT where he can work closer to home/WFH. He is looking into junior roles while we can take the pay cut, rather than doing it when we have extra financial strains.

I think he is slightly naive how much work goes into looking after a child for a day, let alone 24/7/365. He has suggested he work from home in a new job while looking after the child to save on childcare costs, I gently explained this is incredibly difficult even for seasoned parents.

I think get a night nanny, as you work nights and arrange your work schedule so you have weekends off with DH.
Lots of mothers look after their children alone, and to be honest, a nanny will probably be much more helpful than your DH.

Or, think about whether having a baby is right for you guys. This is something I am thinking about atm. Is the massive sacrifices worth it for us? We don't know.

The problem of the nanny leaving when you get home from work is a big one because when will you sleep?
It seems like the work/life/sleep/self-care balance will be almost impossible. You love your job, I would really seriously think before giving that up.
If anything happens with your DH, and as you say he's self-employed, you may need your job for many reasons.
A job you love with great bosses is a rarity.

The PP suggestion of baby living with DH and you visiting weekends won't work either because he could move at any time due to work and that won't work for a nanny.

Gosh, what a puzzle.
I really feel for you!

If he is up for it, I would strongly encourage him to do the IT thing. It would make a huge difference to your experience of having a child if he could be at home. Obviously plenty of parents work away but the fact is, if you want a close relationship with your child and to know what is happening in their daily life, you really have to be around.

If you could each work PT and look after the child 1 day a week, you would only need childcare for 3 days. Bear in mind that childcare is very expensive but you get 30 hours free when they are 3, so it's a relatively temporary thing.

He has suggested he work from home in a new job while looking after the child to save on childcare costs, I gently explained this is incredibly difficult even for seasoned parents

I'd say nigh on impossible.

Hi OP - I thought this before reading your update...
No it's not going to work having a baby living somewhere with no support while working rolling night shifts. You won't want to leave your baby/child with someone you don't know overnight. Masses of potential to be a very flakey employee when problems arise with childcare.

You (and your partner) need to consider the dimensions to the problem and change the aspect you are least invested in.
Change job (you or your partner)
Change area (and then by default job too - again you or your partner)
Change the goal (decide not to have a child)
Change the man - for one that lives close by
If you are fairly young you could park the problem and see if it resolves itself - redundancy, breakup, overwhelming desire for child above all else....

I thought your partner had a business away. Following your update your dilemma is much less. He doesn't need to work where the pay is best if you have a child. He just needs to work close by so he is there overnight and you can use ordinary childcare.

When asking how most people make it work... I think most people don't have night work plus no family support plus a husband working away. Feels like one or two of these are hard but all if them, we'll something has to give.

Sorry also his offer to look after the baby while looking for work or Wfh is a bit worrying. You're setting yourself up for a massive fall if he thinks this is the sort of thing somone can do while caring for a baby.

I know people bleat on about how you can never k ow what it's like etc. (despite being repeatedly told) but I think it would really do him good to understand what having a baby is like. Especially if he/you are thinking you can make this situation work.

I know this sounds quite harsh. But honestly it's better than pnd and feeling utterly run ragged because he doesn't understand what is involved in having a baby.

You are way off having kids imho. I love it when people say they are going to 'retrain in It' as if it is a quick and simple solution to awkward jobs. Every job has its advantages and disadvantages. Has he ever been in the vicinity of children or anyone who has them...doesnt sound like it which either makes him young or clueless.
Unless he actively does stuff to change your setup before you have a child, the answer to your question is yes, it would be you left sorting everything out and your career that gets ruined and if he is as clueless about having kids, probably he will decide IT isn't for him and he needs to go back to doing what he was doing before ie not being around.

If you stay where you are op you're going to need round the clock childcare - overnights for when you're at work, then days for when you're asleep. Even the best and most expensive nannies would balk at this - and it would be incredibly expensive. This would need to be in place for many years - at least until full-time school kicks in, and then you'll need to fund childcare for 13 weeks school holidays.

I'm your shoes I'd be thinking about switching to days. Moving doesn't really work as dh could be relocated, then the benefit of him being local is lost anyway. Long-term can he retrain to work closer to home?

If your husband is SE cant he just take less lucrative contracts closer to home? The salary cut would probably still be ok compared to the costs of employing a nanny when you factor in tax costs etc.

It comes across as you're being a bit inflexible to be honest about your job. Surely you could change to something similar that you dont like quite as much that gives you greater flexibility. Of course moving somewhere else is an option.

Looking after kids with no family support is hard even when you've got an equal partner.

Either you or your husband change jobs or you get a nanny.

I don't think you'd be parenting alone but you might have to pay to get practical help e.g cleaner etc. DH can help by batch cooking meals to be frozen for the week etc but he needs to commit.

Be prepared for your priories to change. I'm high flying in my career and couldn't wait to get back to it.

LOL - I'd literally jack it in overnight right now to never have to leave DS 40+ hours a week again!

This is obviously a personal thing - different for everyone but I think you'll need to accept all plans have to be flexible.

I know people who sail through raising children / home keeping / working and love it all and other (like me) who struggle to keep the house together, resent my job for keeping me away from my child, and generally ignore most of life's responsibilities to go to farm parks.

I think the separate locations is the biggest problem. I would very quickly resent my DH if he could just come in from work and be done, when I had to battle dinner, bath, bed and then clean up and sort laundry etc, all single handed. There's a lot of drudge work in having small children and I really would resent having to take it on more or less single handed.

Not to mention him getting a full night's sleep 5 nights out of 7 while you deal with a baby and night shifts.

DC2 is one next week, she has a minor cold. We each got about 3 hours sleep the other night.

I suppose a Nanny could at least travel between you and dh when working apart, for overnight stays with the little one.

Wouldnt be cheap though.

Theres zero wrong with putting yourself and your career first. There is nothing wrong with deciding that now isnt right to have a child. There is nothing wrong with preferring not to have a child.

After having a chat with DH, I put some points across such as:

He needs to be working somewhere he can travel home. He is happy to take a pay cut to do so, closer to the time, but job satisfaction is also very important to him.

I expressed some concerns that currently, his evenings are his to do as he wishes, and that he may resent having to give up blissful evenings to do mundane tasks.
He said his evenings are currently filled with activities because it’s incredibly lonely and he’d much rather be at home, even if that meant being busy after work.

We both still want me to go to work after maternity leave.. not for financial reasons but because it’s something I love doing. This may change but as things stand, this is what we want. If he is home, then I am still able to work nights and have childcare during the day. We have also agreed that me leaving my current place is absolutely not going to happen.
The suicide rate in the veterinary profession is 4-5X higher than the general population, being somewhere that values your mental health and gives wonderful job satisfaction is rare… hence me being inflexible. Also, moving elsewhere would be a huge step down career wise and also a big pay cut.

Really off topic but are you at FP Referrals?

You both don't want to make any sacrifices. If job satisfaction is so important and to be honest it sounds like your priority then hold off yet and let your dh retrain. Once he has done so and you have considered or trialled a move to days then think about having a baby.

Childcare wise you have already said you don't want your child raised by a nanny but pp have already pointed out that you would need someone to cover your night shift and a few hours extra ( maybe two nannies or a nanny and childninder) so that you can sleep. You don't seem to have acknowledged this in your subsequent posts.

You haven't said how old you are and whether time is off the essence in terms if conceiving. If you read the conception boards it always seems that there is an overwhelming number of women struggling to conceive but that may well not be a reality for you.

@Embracelife

Lots of people in military work away fir long periods Or offshore They can still have close bonds with their kids It s how they approach it

This

Reading negative comments about the father working away from home during the week, wondering if same people would have an issue if he was soldier.

Do you actually want a baby? And remember that the baby will turn into a child.

Do you want to live with your DH full time? It sounds like you have a great balance in life at the moment (albeit perhaps not many friends that you see often - which perfectly suits many!)

It's absolutely fine to not have children. It's fine to not have a "conventional" marriage (ie living together). You sound happy and reluctant to change things.

Having a child is inherently selfish, but there are sacrifices and compromises to be made for at least 18 years. These might be financial, location, free time, only able to go away in school holidays...