Feeling like the worst mum in the world

[DeepDown12]

Sorry if this is long, and thank you if you read it all.

I'm a mum to a healthy, energetic 19mo DD. It took us a decade to have her as we battled infertility and I had many MCs/MMCs. She was born before Covid, but obviously spent most of her life in lockdowns and we felt it would be the best for her to go to nursery for half days to socialize. She's going through the adjustment period now (only her 2nd day) and while she cries when we part, she is apparently ok once she's in (we did only 30 mins yesterday and 45mins today). I'm not allowed in due to Covid restrictions.

I work full time and have worked full time since DD was 5mo. It was part choice, but bigger part a necessity as we all depend on my salary. I have a high-stress job and have always been the breadwinner in the family. DH is wonderful and very supportive and stayed home to take care of our DD but he's now back to work part time.

And this is where the story goes south. DM has again taken to 'fixing me', something she used to do when I was younger (for example, she sent me links to diets because 'I surely want to look better if we go on a holiday', articles about parenting on issues she 'noticed I may need some help with').

These last couple of days it seems like she took a real issue with DD going to the nursery. I shared in a family WhatsApp group about adjustment process at the nursery. All of a sudden, DM is messaging me how 'she tried to put me in a nursery but I cried so much she just couldn't leave her child suffering in there so she took me out', 'not all mothers can harden themselves like I can to let my DD cry when I leave her with unknown people', 'there surely must be another way, maybe a nanny, or maybe she could quit her job and take care of DD because she is obviously suffering from the lack of maternal support'.

This morning, just before we left for nursery she send me a link to an article about parents making mistakes calling nursery a 'school' (I did this once in one video shared in the group) and causing their children to develop resistance towards education.

I know she loves DD. I know she wants the best for her GD. So am I being completely unreasonable to feel hurt and like she's being unfair? I already feel like the worst mother in the world, and I've been battling feelings of inadequacy literally since the first day back at work.

Oh OP wish I could give you a hug.

You are doing amazing, first and foremost know that.

So put DS in to nursery at 14 weeks old because I had no financial choice but to work. It was either that or be homeless and starve. Did I feel guilty about it, yes I did for a few days. But you know what I watched as the weeks and months went on and years even. He was in the same nursery till age 3. I watched my son become a confident, social butterfly. Who could adapt to change, meet new people. Learnt structure and routine. So when we did start school aged 3, he took it in his stride!

I'm a lone working mum. I feel guilty 99% of the time. Too much time in work not enough time with DS and vice versa.

But you know what the pandemic has taught me? Enjoy life, forget the guilt because you never know what's round the corner.

Your mum probably thinks she's being helpful, but honestly ignore her or just politely thank her for her input.

You are doing just fine. Trust me.

So you have two separate problems, one will resolve in time on its own and one which will take a firm hand in boundaries.

You have chosen nursery based on what you and your child need, you've given this a huge amount of thought and consideration - this is the best one for your family at the current time - you are an adult and a parent and this is your call to make, and it's the right one - because you've done the hard thinking and decided! It will work out.

Your mum is a piece of work, and those helpful hints aren't helpful, I'd find it insulting! There are a couple of strategies you could use, but straight away I'd limit what I share on the family WhatsApp and keep it to tidbits and pleasantries, nothing personal.

What total tripe and how nasty of your mum to say it to you in such a passive aggressive way.
You sound like a totally amazing mum and I'm sorry that your own mother has made you doubt yourself.

Your mum is acting like a bell end.

Nurseries are not full of damaged children with hard faced parents. They are places that specialise in nurturing and stimulating.

Yes I sometimes felt parental guilt over nursery but it comes with the territory. I think if my DC hadnt gone to nursery I'd still manage to feel guilty about lack of socialising or some such piffle.

You are doing a great job OP. Tell your mum to stop projecting x

@Timeforabiscuit is right. Your real problem here is your mum, and the fact that she is using this issue to make really painful digs at you, j

You need to tell your mum firmly snd politely to butt out. She is causing you a huge amount of stress by behaving like this. Completely pull back from telling her anything.
Nursery is a perfectly fine and valid childcare choice. A nanny is no different anyway!

Your DD will make lots of wonderful friends, keep reminding yourself of that. You know what you're doing. You really need to block your mum out of your head space, she's not contributing. You're doing awesome.

You are not the worst Mum in the world but it sounds as if your own Mum is trying to get an award for being a terrible Mum.

You do what you feel is best for you and children often are upset at handover and then once they are in and distracted they get on really well.

If it helps my 3 year old has been in nursery since she was 11 months and is excited and happy to go in every day that she goes.

sorry, but she needs to wind her neck in and shut the fuck up.
she's so toxic.

YANBU. you are doing your best and your DD will be fine.
most kids cry. it's in their job description.
please please ignore your DM's nasty and unhelpful comments.

you are not the worst. start believing that, ok?

As if working mothers don't have enough pressure on them , now other woman are piling on criticism , judgement and guilt. The fact that it is your own mother must be so hurtful. Bitch.

Hard to say , I know , but really she needs to be made aware that unless she has something positive or supportive to say , your childcare arrangements are not to be discussed.
Shame on her for not being your biggest cheerleader , proud of your career success and overcoming such difficulties to have your child.

She probably means well but clearly has no idea of the impact she's having. You say she's been doing similar things trying to fix you since you were young and I wonder if you've ever stood up for yourself and pulled her up on it? And if not why not?
Next time she sends you a comment/article/suggestion, if it's not welcome reply and tell her you're already finding whatever situation it is difficult and you could really do with support instead of criticism. If she questions that, explain how the interventions make you feel.
She might be completely oblivious to the impact of her "fixing" ways and it's become a habit, or she might genuinely believe she's helping because no one has snapped back. Whatever, it's a communication problem!
Aside from that, nursery will do your daughter good, a great way for her to socialise and interact outside of her home - you know she is fine there and you and DH can focus on work or maybe even on yourselves if you get a break.

Your situation is not unusual it takes time. I had to do it 35 yrs ago to pay mortgage.
My kids never suffered ignore your dm it was different in her day. Please do what ever you need to do. It is your business and no one elses. Best of luck.

OP you are a great Mum, you're providing for your child and doing what is best for your family. Yes, your wee one will take time to adjust to nursery, because children take time to adjust to new environments, but then she will settle and enjoy it. My two both loved nursery, I remember one day when my son hurt himself he cried for his keyworker...I was literally 2 feet away thinking eh I am your mummy, don't you want me?! But I took that as a sign he felt safe and nurtured there. I love looking back at their nursery journals - lovely photos of happy children.

Your Mum is the problem here and it sounds like she has been a problem for a long time, so I'm not sure what you could do to remedy that in the longer term, but for now maybe take a step back from her and don't get reply to any of her nonsense.

Again, you are doing a great job

I think you need to read up on how to be assertive and deal with an overbearing and critical parent. Your mum is not helping you and you need to tell her that. Every time she makes one of these awful comments or suggestions, instead of constantly defending yourself, you need to say ‘that’s not helpful and if you continue to criticise my parenting I’ll no longer discuss my child with you’. Stop telling her so much because you’re just giving her ammunition to attack you with.

Oh OP! That's horrible for you.
It's your mum who is trying for worst mum in the world!
You say she just wants the best for her grandchild but she is showing zero support and care for you, her own daughter.

Is there any chance you can tell her how she makes you feel? If not can your partner deal with her a bit more and tell her you are happy with your choices and to back off?

I think you need to step back a lot and stop sharing things with her, so she doesn't have so much to comment on.

My mother made me feel horrendously guilty when I put DS into playschool (at 3YO, for 3 mornings a week FFS). I've never fully forgiven her tbh.

She was very, very judgemental when my sister put her DS into nursery when he was a year old, so that she could keep working in her well paid, well regarded career. 15 years later and her career has paid for her DS to have a fantastic independent education and so many other opportunities, as well as giving my sister a secure nd I dependant retirement.

I think sometimes our mothers/MIL like to pile on the guilt as a way of justifying the fact they didn't have careers of their own. (I'm not saying they should have to justify it, BTW - being a sahm is an absolutely valid choice. But I think this is actually what drives a lot of the judgement).

I’m not convinced she means well as some people are saying. She sounds controlling and she is trying to heighten your anxiety round this topic so that she can get you to do what she wants you to do. People who try to control and manipulate like this can take up a lot of your energy and time whilst also leave you feeling sad, depressed and anxious. It’s lose-lose for you! You need to consider carefully how much of this you want in your life and then manage your mum accordingly. You could try talking to her. It might help a bit but it may be very hard for her to resist that urge to control. Other options: Dont post info as it opens you up to her comments and only see her if you feel you have plenty of energy and very high self esteem that can handle these comments.

My DD at 9 mths had 8 weeks settling in time, and still cried the place down. She settled eventually and then grew to love it. How does your DM expect you to pay for your bills if you don't work? Having money worries in a home can be traumatic for children, moreso than going into a nursery...

Goodness me. So judgemental of her. Ignore her comments, which are there to unground you. For why? Who knows. Some kind of not letting you achieve? Weird.

Your mother is the source of your inadequate feelings. If my mother behaved like this I would hit the fucking roof because it shows such a lack of respect for you and your choices. I'm not surprised to see that she undermined your body image previously as well.

Would you act like this towards your DD when she grew up? Of course not.

You would say, "Have a fabulous holiday darling." If your daughter brought up her weight and was worried about it you'd say, "You're absolutely beautiful," and if she pushed it you might share some advice that's helped you.

If you thought your DD should stay home/not stay home with her child you might realise it's not your choice and none of your business. You might say, if concerned, "Are you sure you want to do x?" But if you saw she was committed and saw her sharing her journey, you would cheer her on.

She has some major detaching to do. She is there to support you in what you want to do, not to tell you what you want, or try to mould you into something she wants you to be.

Darling you have NOTHING to feel guilty about . You are certainly not unreasonable to be hurt . I would be too. Why is she trying to fix something that isn’t broken ? You are doing what works , for you and your family , and frankly as long as you , your DH and your DD are happy , then her thoughts mean precisely sod all .

DD will settle . She will . I had to have my youngest DD in nursery at about the same age , and yes , the first week , she wailed . For about ten minutes. Then she’d become distracted by something , and I was forgotten until hometime. It’s a process , that’s all .

I’d be editing what my mother got told if I were you , if this is how she’s going to behave . She certainly wouldn’t be given the chance to lever in more guilt . We don’t need other people making us feel bad , we manage to achieve that by ourselves just fine.

Your mother is pulling that like of crap, and you think you are the worst mother in the world?

Are you making your child feel guilty for their choices? After you making them second guess what is best for their family? Your mother is exhibiting signs of really poor parenting.

You, on the other hand, are quite clearly found the best you can for your whole family. None of us are perfect, none of us get it right all the time. But we do the best we can, and that's enough. You are enough, and you are doing a great job.

You are in that difficult place of balancing what you need to do with what you want to do. And it's tough. But you and your baby will both adjust just fine.

You should not be feeling hurt, you should be feeling INCANDESCENT and telling your mother to but out (or similar two word phrase ending in off)

I'm absolutely convinced that nursery was great for my kids. Other children are much more interesting to kids than grownups, and better to play with. Don't let your mum guilt you.

Part time with a parent & part time nursery sounds like a lovely balance to me. My DC flourished at P/T nursery, and Im a better Mum when I work.

I agree with PP - be careful what you share a n WhatsApp, and take a step back to examine your mother's comments - would you treat your DC like this? Instead of critiquing you, maybe your DM needs to take a look at how she treats her own child...