Feeling like the worst mum in the world

[DeepDown12]

Sorry if this is long, and thank you if you read it all.

I'm a mum to a healthy, energetic 19mo DD. It took us a decade to have her as we battled infertility and I had many MCs/MMCs. She was born before Covid, but obviously spent most of her life in lockdowns and we felt it would be the best for her to go to nursery for half days to socialize. She's going through the adjustment period now (only her 2nd day) and while she cries when we part, she is apparently ok once she's in (we did only 30 mins yesterday and 45mins today). I'm not allowed in due to Covid restrictions.

I work full time and have worked full time since DD was 5mo. It was part choice, but bigger part a necessity as we all depend on my salary. I have a high-stress job and have always been the breadwinner in the family. DH is wonderful and very supportive and stayed home to take care of our DD but he's now back to work part time.

And this is where the story goes south. DM has again taken to 'fixing me', something she used to do when I was younger (for example, she sent me links to diets because 'I surely want to look better if we go on a holiday', articles about parenting on issues she 'noticed I may need some help with').

These last couple of days it seems like she took a real issue with DD going to the nursery. I shared in a family WhatsApp group about adjustment process at the nursery. All of a sudden, DM is messaging me how 'she tried to put me in a nursery but I cried so much she just couldn't leave her child suffering in there so she took me out', 'not all mothers can harden themselves like I can to let my DD cry when I leave her with unknown people', 'there surely must be another way, maybe a nanny, or maybe she could quit her job and take care of DD because she is obviously suffering from the lack of maternal support'.

This morning, just before we left for nursery she send me a link to an article about parents making mistakes calling nursery a 'school' (I did this once in one video shared in the group) and causing their children to develop resistance towards education.

I know she loves DD. I know she wants the best for her GD. So am I being completely unreasonable to feel hurt and like she's being unfair? I already feel like the worst mother in the world, and I've been battling feelings of inadequacy literally since the first day back at work.

try not to internalise it
your DM is overstepping her boundaries.

I would join with those who say you are doing really well.
You are doing paid work. Well done for holding down a job.

It is more than I am capable for doing at the moment due to health issues.

You are trying to be the sort of mother you would like to be.

You are doing it in times that require different skills than your mother has, you are doing it in the middle of a global pandemic.

Your mother didn't do that. She doesn't know how to do it

And more importantly you have parental responsiblity for your child and she doesn't.

Please own that.

Favourite saying of my dad (who has passed away now sadly I loved him to bits)

Sometimes when we were in the kitchen cooking together, and I was being bossy he would say

'who is doing this job me or you?

You are doing this job, not your mum. And you are doing it successfully , you may falter sometimes, you may need help, but on your terms and appropriate help i.e the nursery who as someone said are very skilled.

But its your job, and you are doing it.

Your DD will have a fab time at nursery. Yes, there will be a bit of settling-in upset, but she'll soon love it. My DC runs through the door without a backward glance these days and has to be reminded to say goodbye to Mummy by the staff . Part-time nursery is a great balance. She's a great age for it (lots of children go much younger). She'll love the activities and the other children and will gain so much from having the input of enthusiastic, trained staff in her early years education, especially if she's also having plenty of time with you and your DH at home. It sounds like the perfect balance.

Please don't listen to your mother and instead make the choices which are best for your family.

Thank you all! I'll follow the advice and seriously cut out all discussions about any challenges we face - I accept that I need to grow a backbone and give my mum much less headspace than she has now.

It means a lot to be able to discuss it here - I didn't tell DH anything about this as I didn't want him to start feeling guilty about going back to work part time either.

@beigebrownblue I'm very sorry for your loss but that sentence made me smile - my dad says the same!

Your mum is toxic. It’s interesting what you say about her putting your successes down. I have a theory about that. Your school successes reflected well on her. She could gloat at how how her DD had done. Your adult successes are all yours. She can’t reasonably claim any responsibility for how well your professional life is going. She is jealous, because as you say, she thinks your arrival curtailed her somewhat. You are managing to have a career and a family and she is jealous. The only thing she has in her arsenal to make her feel better about that is to lesson your happiness.
Anyway, as others have said, the key here is to share less and tell her when you want advice you will ask for it. My own DDs thrived in nursery. I was really impressed with their early years educational stuff, all wrapped up in play. I wouldn’t change it.

It’s the generation gap I suspect not a deliberate attempt to be nasty.

Maybe in her day hardly any mums worked, ‘watching your figure’ was normal and nurseries didn’t really exist, kids went to playgroup for the odd afternoon to prepare them for school.

Many women who were mothers in the 60s, 70s, 80s haven’t realised how much the world has changed.

Nurseries can be caring, stimulating, richly social environments. A mum working sets a good example to her daughters.

Once she’s in school you could apply for a school hours contract or use wraparound care, there are so many options nowadays.

If you were the one who set up the whatsapp group just delete it now. Stop sharing information with them apart from the odd photo of dd. She cannot criticise things if she's not aware of them.

Perhaps find an article about how mothers undermining their child’s parenting damages their self esteem and send that to her. See how she likes a taste of her own medicine…

@GlassOnTheLawn - that would make me feel better but I am not sure it is the case. When I was born my mum was still a student, so my paternal GPs stepped in. She tried sending me to nursery but, apparently, I resisted so she pulled me out after a month. However, until I went to school - my GPs provided childcare. My mum worked since I was 6 and my sibling went to nursery. Raising me - the only thing she ever insisted (until I actually got there) is the importance of having a career, not being dependent, being able to afford help when I needed it.

@Angeldust2810 - ha! If I did that she'd understand it as me sharing an interesting article about her and her own mum. I wrote earlier how she sent me a book 'Toxic Parents' with a message that it should help me understand how lucky I am.