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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling like the worst mum in the world

58 replies

DeepDown12 · 29/06/2021 22:23

Sorry if this is long, and thank you if you read it all.

I'm a mum to a healthy, energetic 19mo DD. It took us a decade to have her as we battled infertility and I had many MCs/MMCs. She was born before Covid, but obviously spent most of her life in lockdowns and we felt it would be the best for her to go to nursery for half days to socialize. She's going through the adjustment period now (only her 2nd day) and while she cries when we part, she is apparently ok once she's in (we did only 30 mins yesterday and 45mins today). I'm not allowed in due to Covid restrictions.

I work full time and have worked full time since DD was 5mo. It was part choice, but bigger part a necessity as we all depend on my salary. I have a high-stress job and have always been the breadwinner in the family. DH is wonderful and very supportive and stayed home to take care of our DD but he's now back to work part time.

And this is where the story goes south. DM has again taken to 'fixing me', something she used to do when I was younger (for example, she sent me links to diets because 'I surely want to look better if we go on a holiday', articles about parenting on issues she 'noticed I may need some help with').

These last couple of days it seems like she took a real issue with DD going to the nursery. I shared in a family WhatsApp group about adjustment process at the nursery. All of a sudden, DM is messaging me how 'she tried to put me in a nursery but I cried so much she just couldn't leave her child suffering in there so she took me out', 'not all mothers can harden themselves like I can to let my DD cry when I leave her with unknown people', 'there surely must be another way, maybe a nanny, or maybe she could quit her job and take care of DD because she is obviously suffering from the lack of maternal support'.

This morning, just before we left for nursery she send me a link to an article about parents making mistakes calling nursery a 'school' (I did this once in one video shared in the group) and causing their children to develop resistance towards education.

I know she loves DD. I know she wants the best for her GD. So am I being completely unreasonable to feel hurt and like she's being unfair? I already feel like the worst mother in the world, and I've been battling feelings of inadequacy literally since the first day back at work.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 29/06/2021 23:50

You are doing nothing wrong - all children adjust a bit and it takes some longer than others.

Your mother needs to be told straight OP. I bet you e spent your life being diminished by her. Make it stop today. You’re better than her shit Flowers

earthyfire · 29/06/2021 23:52

Personally I wouldn't be telling her anything in a WhatsApp group. The less she knows the less she can comment on.

EKGEMS · 29/06/2021 23:55

You need to read Susan Forward's book "Toxic Parents" and check out the Stately Homes thread-I don't think your mother means well one iota she's a domineering,over critical nasty person

Lalliella · 30/06/2021 00:15

There’s a terrible mum in this story and it sure ain’t you OP. Your mum is talking rubbish and she’s being really cruel. Nurseries are great for little ones, the kids have lots of little friends and are very socialised, and I think they come on quicker in their development too. Don’t let her make you feel guilty, you’re doing what’s right for your family and it’s nobody else’s business.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/06/2021 03:37

You should have learned by now that you shouldn't share anything with your mother aside from the very bare essentials. You know what she's like and she will continue to deride and belittle you. Stop telling her things. Get off the bloody What's App while you're at it.

QueenBee52 · 30/06/2021 04:02

@Aquamarine1029

You should have learned by now that you shouldn't share anything with your mother aside from the very bare essentials. You know what she's like and she will continue to deride and belittle you. Stop telling her things. Get off the bloody What's App while you're at it.

Yip 🌸

Wallywobbles · 30/06/2021 04:14

I live in France. Moved here at 24 and had my kids here.

In France parental leave is 13 weeks. At that point literally every mother goes back to work. I've known only 2 women not to do so and they were both English.

My sister tried to lay the English guilt on me about other people raising my kids. It's her culture but it's not mine.

Working saved my mental health and my kids did great at the child minders. School starts at 3. They nap in little dorms in the afternoons.

Hand your mothers "good" advice back to her. Really don't pick up the guilt she's trying to give you. And send her some self help shit right back and see how she enjoys it.

zoemum2006 · 30/06/2021 05:58

You need some firm boundaries with your mum. I’m very careful about what I say to my mum cos she can have dramatic reactions.
You need to practice some responses to her in advance, “bless you mum, I know you mean we’ll but I’m dealing with it”. “Thanks mum but I’m happy with my choices and don’t really want to discuss it”.

There needs to be a firm tone of finality in your voice that your parenting isn’t up for discussion.

Polkadots2021 · 30/06/2021 06:04

I actually think your mum doesn't mean well in the sense she knows she's being passive aggressive. You need to tell her to back off as she's hurting you (hard, I know). An honest conversation may have to happen at some point as she will be like this over everything. If it causes friction, well, it causes friction, because your relationship isn't healthy anyway if it consists of her being PA and you having to take it whilst feeling like crap so as not to make waves.

Blacktothepink · 30/06/2021 06:17

She’s horrible…maybe remind her it will be you choosing the care home she’ll be going to…

Terminallysleepdeprived · 30/06/2021 06:18

@DeepDown12 your mum is s knob plain and simply.

You either need to ignore it or have it out with her in a "I know you think you are being nice but actually..." kind of way.

Thousands of kids use nursery every day, your dd will be fine. It is natural covid or not for them to be resistant as you drop off. The fact nursery are saying she is fine after a few mins means she is settling in fine.

Keeva2017 · 30/06/2021 07:51

Just come to say I have a 19 month old and I work full time and she goes to nursery. Your mum is just an idiot. I have moments where I provide less than stellar parenting but I know I love my children, I think about them, my decisions are motivated by them. I’d walk over glass for them. You sound the same. We are not the worst mums, we are the best ones because we love the little… angels?😆

Bksjshsbbev2737 · 30/06/2021 07:54

Step back from sharing so much with your mum; she’s being unfair and unhelpful.

MerryDecembermas · 30/06/2021 07:59

Stop sharing so much detail with DM. She sounds unhinged tbh

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 30/06/2021 08:00

I just ignore my mum when she says silly things like that . I'd put something on the chat to call her out on it " despite dm thinking I'm the worst mum in the word dd absolutely loved nursery today and didn't want to leave haha smiley face "
My ds was in nursery a couple of days a week from 9 months old , imagine what she would say about me!
OP don't feel guilty about anything, your mum is entitled to her opinions but you don't have to take any notice of them

tenlittlecygnets · 30/06/2021 08:01

Your mum is really not a friend. She's undermining you, making you feel bad and doubt yourself, passive aggressive and bitchy.

Tell her to butt out. That this is your dc and your responsibility. Tell her to stop sending you snarky memes or you will stop seeing her and stop dc seeing her.

You sound great. It's not you. It's her.

BrownEyedGirl80 · 30/06/2021 08:02

Fuck off mum.And repeat til she gets the message.

Original poster
DeepDown12 · 30/06/2021 08:53

Wow - I did not expect this many replies and definitely so many kind words. Thank you all so much - it means more than I can describe.

@EKGEMS would you believe if I told you my mum sent me that very book to 'help me understand how toxic her mother (my GM) was and how lucky I am to have her'?

I accept that I'm likely oversharing on WhatsApp - I think the reason for this is that we were all so excited when DD was born that I wanted to share that with both sets of GP and they kept messaging us all the time in each case - so I thought this was a good solution. I understand now that having a WhatsApp group may be useful but that I need to be much more careful about what I share.

The guilt thing is not new. My mum and dad married young and decided to have me young. However, she made it clear as I was growing up that that (I?) was a mistake which held her back from achieving everything she wanted to achieve. Me being closer (and physically similar) to dad didn't help as they had a rocky marriage and then a nasty divorce 10y ago.

What I find odd is that my entire life my mum pressured me into 'achieving' (grades, diplomas, titles, jobs) and nothing I ever did was enough. However, at some point, it seems like I crossed some invisible line where she felt I achieved 'enough' and then she started pressuring me in the opposite direction (to slow down, to quit working etc). It is very confusing as I grew up thinking it is ok for me to pursue career but now that I have one - that's not good enough either.

And if it makes sense (maybe not) it seems like these kind of 'attacks' come in waves - usually after I get some kind of recognition from work (promotion, raise, bonus, commendation). Makes me feel ashamed of every success I have outside family life.

I am sitting now in front of the nursery while DD is in for her 1h. She seems untroubled other than that brief period when we're parting and I do believe it will do her good - she spent so much time isolated and we don't have many friends with kids (and none her age) nearby so this is the only way we can help her socialize. But, my god - the guilt is immense.

OP posts:
Conchitastrawberry · 30/06/2021 09:00

Ultimately it’s none of your mums business. I’d tell her to bog off or just completely ignore anything she sends you. It’s your child not hers.

MazDazzle · 30/06/2021 09:16

Maybe send her some links to articles on toxic, overbearing grandparents?

My son absolutely loves his nursery, but he still clings to me and cries when I drop him off and he’s starting school after the summer! My daughter sometimes cried the entire journey to her childminder’s, even screaming ‘Nooooo!’. When I’d pick her up she’d cling to her childminder and not want to come home! She laughs about it now.

Ignore your mother.

EL8888 · 30/06/2021 09:19

Your mum needs to butt out. She sounds condescending, interfering and just plain rude. None of her business. I’m sure your daughter will settle, it is early days in the grand scheme of things

Sally872 · 30/06/2021 09:27

There are positives and negatives to any parenting choice. Nursery will have many good points. Your dh working part time sounds like a lovely balance.

Having your mother watch child seems like the worst option after the way sue has made you feel, I would want carefully supervised contact to make sure she doesn't do the same to dc later in life. I also expect her offer was completely disingenuous and just to make you feel bad.

Start a new WhatsApp group with dh side of the family and give mum only positive updates. When she still finds something to criticise you for role your eyes and pity her for being so miserable/difficult and pat yourself on the back for breaking the pattern.

Lucked · 30/06/2021 09:33

You just need to show the nice things grandparents want to see on WhatsApp little videos and pictures don’t bare your soul and discuss any trials and tribulations save that for people you know will be supportive for some that is their parents but obviously not for you.

For now I would just spin it that she is settling in brilliantly and loving it. Also stand up for yourself and project 100% confidence in your decisions

I did a combination of nursery and also gave my parents some time (half days). They were initially against nursery but came round especially when they realised how much hard work it was and how much effort the staff put in.

Youdiditanyway · 30/06/2021 09:33

Your Mum’s talking out of her arse, she reminds me of MIL a bit. MIL thinks DS only cries because he’s a ‘lockdown baby’ and he’s not used to seeing other people. It really isn’t true, he’s actually just a baby so he cries sometimes. Your DD will undoubtedly be fine once you have left, a lot of children are like this when the parent is around but settle as soon as they’ve gone. My DD was like this even in reception at school so yeah, totally normal.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 30/06/2021 09:39

Your mum is trying to bring you down in the worst possible way, but making you question your parenting choices and implying that your daughter us suffering. That's really nasty. Combined with everything else she does, I think you need to try and take a step away from her and create some emotional distance. Would you be friends with someone who told you that you needed to lose weight or change your (completely normal) parenting? Whether it is coming from a place of nastiness or she just hasn't got much else going on in her life and is over invested in yours as well as being really tactless, it's not your problems and you shouldn't have to put up with it. Have you told her not to give you parenting advice? I'd stop giving her any info for a start, just keep it bland and dont tell her any negatives or she will just blame you