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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DF wants grandchildren that live near him AIBU

67 replies

monkeytenniss · 28/06/2021 16:08

DF has been making noise recently about how much he misses his grandchildren (mine and Dsis children) and how he hardly ever sees them because they're so far away from where he lives.

Dsis and I live at opposite ends of the country, we both moved for work (we are both trained professionals), we are settled and not looking to move. The area we grew up in was deprived with few opportunities for careers, we both moved away for uni and never went back. We have both been successful, although I am no longer in work as full time carer for my child.

DM died before we had our families, and DF lives with his partner. She has grandchildren that all live locally, within 10 mile radius, and they are in each other's lives on a daily basis. DF sees her with her grandchildren and feels he should be in that position too. He has asked me if I've ever considered moving back to the area I grew up in, and I had to answer honestly no. It's not a place I desire to live in, and my DH would be utterly miserable there.

DF doesn't seem to understand that we are no more able to move than he is. In fact we are much less able to move than he is, he has money and capital, but he's made his life with his DP now and that was his choice. We have him to visit when we can, and it's a bit harder for us to visit because of DS complex needs but we do our best. Recently he's been getting increasingly hostile when talking about us about how lonely he is and how he shouldn't have to travel so far to see his grandkids 'at his age' (late 60s).

AIBU to think this wasn't a situation all of our making and that, to some extent, he has made his own bed so he has to lie in it? I realise that sounds cruel so please know I would never actually say that to him!

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 28/06/2021 16:17

Why should you be expected to uproot yourself and your family? If he's not going to consider moving nearer you, then he's got a hard neck expecting it of you. It's not cruel to tell him it won't be happening, but you need to leave him in no doubt that you're all settled and happy where you are.

Returnoftheowl · 28/06/2021 16:17

If he's so keen to be near his grandchildren then he will have to move. Clearly he won't as his partners family are settled where he is, but it's unfair of him to put this pressure on you.

monkeytenniss · 28/06/2021 16:19

@Returnoftheowl

If he's so keen to be near his grandchildren then he will have to move. Clearly he won't as his partners family are settled where he is, but it's unfair of him to put this pressure on you.
I exhaled when I read this. Thank,you. I have been feeling so guilty about it for years now.
OP posts:
SarahAndQuack · 28/06/2021 16:20

My MIL is like that. She constantly makes a huge fuss that we don't live within a five minute radius of her house. We never lived all that close, but when DD was a baby we moved to about three hours away, and she simply would not believe we were going to do it - as if we were being deliberately cruel to her.

It's very tedious.

cindarellasbelly · 28/06/2021 16:21

I think you need to start turning it around on him a bit OP - 'we still have a mortgage, couldn't get jobs, you're prioritising your DPs grandchildren over your own' - maybe not quite that much, but certainly you need to make it clear you view him as having more ability to move than you do.

Late sixties is really not old. I think you need to nip this in the bud now: he sounds like he may also be assuming when he's late seventies you'll come home and care for him. He needs to know moving isn't an option.

lightand · 28/06/2021 16:22

zoom more?
more photos?
more videos?
more whatsapp?

All not the same I know. But our ever growing family keep in touch that way. Personally I dont mind, but I do know lots of people who do.

monkeytenniss · 28/06/2021 16:23

@lightand

zoom more? more photos? more videos? more whatsapp?

All not the same I know. But our ever growing family keep in touch that way. Personally I dont mind, but I do know lots of people who do.

We video call him everyday and text as a family group several times a day.
OP posts:
ShowMeHow · 28/06/2021 16:24

My parents bought a house in the town they found half way between me and my sibling (both with own families). Everyone had 2.5 hour travel minimum from one family to the next.

Then set about pointing out the (their opinion) downfalls of our areas / houses (my 3 year old
In fact knew that it was bad we don’t have a driveway as grandad said so!) and the better houses for sale in their area were pointed out each time we visited). When my 3 you are old turned about five he may have mentioned yeah grandad but we have the beach at the end of our road you don’t.

I feel your pain but don’t have a solution.

monkeytenniss · 28/06/2021 16:25

@ShowMeHow

My parents bought a house in the town they found half way between me and my sibling (both with own families). Everyone had 2.5 hour travel minimum from one family to the next.

Then set about pointing out the (their opinion) downfalls of our areas / houses (my 3 year old
In fact knew that it was bad we don’t have a driveway as grandad said so!) and the better houses for sale in their area were pointed out each time we visited). When my 3 you are old turned about five he may have mentioned yeah grandad but we have the beach at the end of our road you don’t.

I feel your pain but don’t have a solution.

We have a beach at the end of our road too. Why would we move?!
OP posts:
sparemonitor · 28/06/2021 16:26

late 60s? Many are still working at that age.

monkeytenniss · 28/06/2021 16:32

@sparemonitor

late 60s? Many are still working at that age.
Yes I know. He isn't.
OP posts:
Popetthetreehugger · 28/06/2021 16:36

The sad bit is that your DF doesn't see his DPs DGC as his own . DH and I married late , each with 4 grownup DC . All DGC are ours . One of the DC live 5 hours away . Closest 2 are an hour then 3 at 2 hours . If we had 1 DC we would with out a doubt move there . But we don’t . We travel, knowing that our families are doing the best for their families. Never would we in a million years ask our families to disadvantage themselves by moving back . Just smile and repeat, your more than welcome to join us . But I’d encourage him to look at the little ones close to him as grandchildren too .

monkeytenniss · 28/06/2021 16:40

@Popetthetreehugger

The sad bit is that your DF doesn't see his DPs DGC as his own . DH and I married late , each with 4 grownup DC . All DGC are ours . One of the DC live 5 hours away . Closest 2 are an hour then 3 at 2 hours . If we had 1 DC we would with out a doubt move there . But we don’t . We travel, knowing that our families are doing the best for their families. Never would we in a million years ask our families to disadvantage themselves by moving back . Just smile and repeat, your more than welcome to join us . But I’d encourage him to look at the little ones close to him as grandchildren too .
His DP's grandchildren are older now. Ours are younger, babies and toddlers and primary school age. I think that is part of it.
OP posts:
SarahAndQuack · 28/06/2021 16:45

@Popetthetreehugger

The sad bit is that your DF doesn't see his DPs DGC as his own . DH and I married late , each with 4 grownup DC . All DGC are ours . One of the DC live 5 hours away . Closest 2 are an hour then 3 at 2 hours . If we had 1 DC we would with out a doubt move there . But we don’t . We travel, knowing that our families are doing the best for their families. Never would we in a million years ask our families to disadvantage themselves by moving back . Just smile and repeat, your more than welcome to join us . But I’d encourage him to look at the little ones close to him as grandchildren too .
I think it's a bit presumptuous to decide that's sad - different families are different, and perhaps her dad is simply respectful of the way his partner's family work/doesn't want to come across as displacing his partner's ex-husband?
Ozanj · 28/06/2021 16:46

Seems like he expects his kids to do all the donkey work in keeping up relationships, while he bends over backwards for his DP and DSC. Tell him firmly that if he was serious about seeing his DGC more often he would move closer to them, not the other way around. What is your relationship like otherwise?

LaikasMourner · 28/06/2021 16:47

Name changed because I wouldn't like to out myself. I completely understand OP and I don't think either you or your DSis are being unreasonable at all. Though again, I can understand why you feel a sense of loyalty to your DDad and feel guilty for not doing as he wishes. None of that is unusual.

I'm in a somewhat similar position - though there are differences. I moved away from my birth town and don't regret it for a second (though I love to visit when I can). My DH and I are not parents because of our disabilities and my fertility difficulties. We're fine with not having children, as are our parents (to my surprise, actually!). However, my grandmother thinks differently.

Not only does she constantly ask us why we won't move back to my birth town to be around the family, she also constantly pesters my parents about trying to get us to move back there too! Along with asking them when we will start a family. I can just about understand putting pressure on us to move back there and start a family (I don't like it, but I can understand it), but hassling my parents about it too?? And asking them when we will start a family - I don't really consider that an appropriate topic if conversation for my elder family members to be having amongst themselves, since it concerns our sex lives!

Your own DC and DH are your priority here. If you feel that they would flourish more - as it were - in where you currently are, as much as you understandably feel loyalty to your DDad, you have to do right by your own family rather than rearranging your lives to suit what he wants. That goes even more so when you have a child with additional support needs.

As for travelling "at my age" (late 60s), remind him that that isn't even considered old nowadays. My DDad is a similar age, was working in a physically demanding job up until two years ago, has suffered with mobility difficulties and chronic pain for decades and still manages to travel across to different continents on holiday (pre Covid). They also visit us (despite my barreness and childlessness, they certainly haven't written me off) in our city and make weekend breaks of it.

Can you gently tell him that whilst you will make the effort to ensure that he gets as much quality time with the grandchildren as is feasible - video calls, visits, family gatherings etc - moving back to your home city is not on the cards. If he gets abrasive, simply say "I will discuss this with you when you are calm. I will not discuss it with you when you are angry." Keep at it. "We want you to have a great relationship with your grandchildren, but we cannot and will not move back. It's not happening." Simply keep calmly, but firmly reiterating it. And refuse to engage with any hostility. It's not the most pleasant of situations, but it really is the only way.

I know this is hard. Honestly I do. And I feel for you and your children. FlowersCake

SpiderinaWingMirror · 28/06/2021 16:47

Refuse to feel guilty. It's hard cos I think it is hard wired.
Next time he brings it up:
Yes, we would love to see more of you. Come visit, it's a lovely area. Theres a b and b over the road....
Yes, it's a shame that we live so far apart but come visit etc etc.

couchparsnip · 28/06/2021 17:48

We moved countries when my DS was very small. In the lead up to us leaving DM got really upset with us that we were taking her DGS away so far and took to singing "You are my sunshine" to him and poignantly looking at me when she got to "please don't take my sunshine away".
She never actually told us not to leave but the musical guilt trips were a bit much!

Drivingmeupthewall · 28/06/2021 17:55

@couchparsnip

We moved countries when my DS was very small. In the lead up to us leaving DM got really upset with us that we were taking her DGS away so far and took to singing "You are my sunshine" to him and poignantly looking at me when she got to "please don't take my sunshine away". She never actually told us not to leave but the musical guilt trips were a bit much!
oh my god, @couchparsnip that is hilarious, cringe and a fucking nightmare of a situation. I’m sorry. I can’t stop picturing your mum looking daggers at you as she sang 😂
Changechangychange · 28/06/2021 17:58

@couchparsnip

We moved countries when my DS was very small. In the lead up to us leaving DM got really upset with us that we were taking her DGS away so far and took to singing "You are my sunshine" to him and poignantly looking at me when she got to "please don't take my sunshine away". She never actually told us not to leave but the musical guilt trips were a bit much!
How did you keep yourself from bursting out laughing? Grin
autumnboys · 28/06/2021 17:58

My in laws, who are 10+ years older than your DF regularly travel across the country to see their grandchildren. He needs to take some responsibility himself to make this happen. Flowers

PanamaPattie · 28/06/2021 18:01

I see you video call EVERY day and text multiple times a day? Therein lies the problem. He is too demanding and controlling. Cut down this much contact. Your lives are being run by him. He will never be happy until you move in and share every meal.

Sally872 · 28/06/2021 18:05

He is being unreasonable to expect you to move. But the message is he would like to have a closer relationship with grandkids, which is not unreasonable. So look at what you can do, ideally more visits both ways. More zoom calls with the kids, photos and updates regularly.

DenyDin0Dex · 28/06/2021 18:06

When was the last time he came to visit you ?
Can he drive or get public transport
Can he book a holiday near you & you meet up, if there is no room to stay ?

When was the last time you went to visit?

Sally872 · 28/06/2021 18:07

Sorry ignore me. You video call every day?!?!? You are doing all you can and more than most. He needs to manage his expectations.