DF wants grandchildren that live near him AIBU

[monkeytenniss]

DF has been making noise recently about how much he misses his grandchildren (mine and Dsis children) and how he hardly ever sees them because they're so far away from where he lives.

Dsis and I live at opposite ends of the country, we both moved for work (we are both trained professionals), we are settled and not looking to move. The area we grew up in was deprived with few opportunities for careers, we both moved away for uni and never went back. We have both been successful, although I am no longer in work as full time carer for my child.

DM died before we had our families, and DF lives with his partner. She has grandchildren that all live locally, within 10 mile radius, and they are in each other's lives on a daily basis. DF sees her with her grandchildren and feels he should be in that position too. He has asked me if I've ever considered moving back to the area I grew up in, and I had to answer honestly no. It's not a place I desire to live in, and my DH would be utterly miserable there.

DF doesn't seem to understand that we are no more able to move than he is. In fact we are much less able to move than he is, he has money and capital, but he's made his life with his DP now and that was his choice. We have him to visit when we can, and it's a bit harder for us to visit because of DS complex needs but we do our best. Recently he's been getting increasingly hostile when talking about us about how lonely he is and how he shouldn't have to travel so far to see his grandkids 'at his age' (late 60s).

AIBU to think this wasn't a situation all of our making and that, to some extent, he has made his own bed so he has to lie in it? I realise that sounds cruel so please know I would never actually say that to him!

I'm about to uproot my life to move about 600 miles to be closer to my father and in turn my brother and his family. The tile I'll get to spend with them is worth all the work, hassle, money and effort.

He sounds like a demanding PITA.

You are in contact everyday.

Give yourself a break.

I am not going to name change but My DPs are 300 + miles away. My friends , previous job , DH's job , DS's friends and job are just where we live, I love my parents - but not giving that all up to move 350 - 400 miles away to give all that up. - not doing it. Can get a train .

How is he lonely when he lives with his partner and there is an extended family locally that are in and out of each others' lives ?

Why is he lonely if he has lived all his life where he still lives ? Why doesn't he have his own community around him ?

If he is lonely, then why doesn't he join some activities or hobbies or sports or do some volunteering and make new friends ?

Why do you video call every day ?

How often does he come and stay ?
Does he drive ?
Is there a reason he can't get on a train ?

There are so many reasons why YANBU.

@ChargingBuck

Also, *@Rosebel* - you are quite right. I was snippy at you in my post, that was wrong, apologies for being grumpy, you did nothing to deserve it.

😊Don't worry had far worse than that thrown at me on here before now. I think my opinion often seems to be in the minority (probably me getting old).

I think you are playing into it by calling him every day. You’re allowing the guilt trip to work. Stop. He needs to be told in very small words that it’s never going to happen. What he wants is a fantasy. Nobody is going to move there becausenobody is able to due to jobs, mortgages, lives, etc, and more to the point, nobody wants to. He has made his life where he lives with his partner and her family. If he is unhappy with them, he has the ability to move. If he is not unhappy, then he needs to accept his lot.

When I'm that age I'm going to buy a camper van and if my kids settle far from me/each other, and if they want to see me, I'll just take the van and camp out in front of their house. I'll be their mad granny in the van.

Anycrispsleft What a brilliant idea, must run this past my adult DCs!
It won't go down well !

Just a suggestion- as I have a friend who is in pretty much the exact same situation as you, and they found a solution that works well for them - clearly this was before Covid!

Both daughters have a spare bedroom in their houses, set up as “grandad’s” room, and Grandad rotates round between the two daughters and their families and his own home.

So he spends 2 weeks staying with DD1, helping out with the children, picking them up from school etc, spending time with his daughter, enabling DD and her husband to have nights out to themselves while he is basically the live-in babysitter.

Then he goes to DD2’s house and does the same with her and her family for the next 2 weeks.

Then he spends the next 2-3 weeks at his own home, catching up with friends, hobbies etc. and then the rotation begins again.

It seems to work well for my friend and her sister. They both get quality time with their dad, the kids love having the time with grandad, the grandad gets to have a good block of time in his grandkids lives, being part of their daily routine. But also, everyone gets time for themselves too- and the grandad gets time at his own home to potter around in his garden and meet his friends.

Clearly this only works because all parties are happy with the arrangement, they have space to have grandad to stay over regularly, and he is an active early 70s aged guy who is happy to travel, has a positive and proactive mindset and likes being able to help his daughters out, without out-staying his welcome.

Don’t know if this could be a solution for you?

Nice idea @ByStarlight but we don't have the space to offer DF a permanent room, and he wouldn't be able to help out with childcare or school pickups because he finds my DS hard to handle.

OP- not unreasonable at all, in any way, shape or form.

Like a few others I have picked up on the fact you videocall your dad everyday and have multiple messages a day. I had a similar situation to deal albeit wyth in-laws, so I know that's a bit different. They suddenly started texting me everyday with the most mundane details of their day. A smothering relationship relationship based on constant comms was far too much for me so I have backed off entirely and feel much better. My in-laws have an overbearing needy steak too, and I can see that they would have suffocated the life out if our lives if given the chance. Sounds like your dad might be similar.

You are not unreasonably to not bend to his demands, which are unreasonable from the perspective of anyone with a bit of distance from the situation.

Good luck. Set yourself free.

@Roussette

Anycrispsleft What a brilliant idea, must run this past my adult DCs! It won't go down well !

I am totally serious! I was reading Nomadland and thinking about retirement and our own parents and how it has been. We're all quite far from one another (different countries) and it's been a constant source of tension, that we rarely see the grandparents but when we do they want to stay for like 2 weeks and we all start to get fed up with each other. I don't know where my kids are going to end up settling and I wouldn't want to put pressure on them to stay put by moving close to them, but I would like to have the flexibility to be able to drop in when they need me but without having to put me up/ put up with me. But I don't know if I'll have the money to be able to just fly somewhere and book a hotel. If I had my own campervan I could be self sufficient and travel for minimal cost.

Sounds ideal for you!

I don't think he is being unreasonable to be sad by the situation, I think many would be sad to be living so far away from their grandchildren.

He is absolutely unreasonable for being hostile towards you because you're not uprooting your family just for his sake. If he truly loves his grandchildren, he will be happy for you to do what's best for your whole family. Even if that means he doesn't see them so much

I hope one day to live close to any grandchildren I might have. That is why I am planning to move wherever my child happens to settle or at least someplace reasonably accessible for visits but affordable for a retirement. DH jokes that we should follow her move for move, but I know that we should wait until she settles down. At least I hope he is joking. No one needs parents that obsessed

I know how important being able to move was for my career and I also know how valuable it has been to be able to be near Dh’s family now that we have a child.

Tell him to jump in the car and come over, he's being lazy imv. He can airbnb - spend time with DCs then back to his quiet place. Late 60s is not old.

See, this is ridiculous, imo.

We live very rurally, it's lovely, we like it - and there are fuck all job opportunities in the area. My three adult children have all moved away to find work. I have one teen still in school and expect them to move away. That's what generally happens round here.

There's no way I'd be complaining or trying to guilt trip them into moving back to this area. It's bloody obvious there isn't any work for them. Your DF is being unreasonable.