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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DF wants grandchildren that live near him AIBU

67 replies

monkeytenniss · 28/06/2021 16:08

DF has been making noise recently about how much he misses his grandchildren (mine and Dsis children) and how he hardly ever sees them because they're so far away from where he lives.

Dsis and I live at opposite ends of the country, we both moved for work (we are both trained professionals), we are settled and not looking to move. The area we grew up in was deprived with few opportunities for careers, we both moved away for uni and never went back. We have both been successful, although I am no longer in work as full time carer for my child.

DM died before we had our families, and DF lives with his partner. She has grandchildren that all live locally, within 10 mile radius, and they are in each other's lives on a daily basis. DF sees her with her grandchildren and feels he should be in that position too. He has asked me if I've ever considered moving back to the area I grew up in, and I had to answer honestly no. It's not a place I desire to live in, and my DH would be utterly miserable there.

DF doesn't seem to understand that we are no more able to move than he is. In fact we are much less able to move than he is, he has money and capital, but he's made his life with his DP now and that was his choice. We have him to visit when we can, and it's a bit harder for us to visit because of DS complex needs but we do our best. Recently he's been getting increasingly hostile when talking about us about how lonely he is and how he shouldn't have to travel so far to see his grandkids 'at his age' (late 60s).

AIBU to think this wasn't a situation all of our making and that, to some extent, he has made his own bed so he has to lie in it? I realise that sounds cruel so please know I would never actually say that to him!

OP posts:

Just10moreminutesplease · 28/06/2021 18:07

Whenever he brings it up I’d sigh and say “yes it would be lovely if you moved nearer to us... I don’t suppose you’ll want to with DP being so settled where you live now though, will you?”.

TwoLeftElbows · 28/06/2021 18:08

Video calling daily is the unusual part of this. Yes it's sad that you live so far away, but expecting either of you to move purely for his sake is unreasonable. All you can do is gently point out that he is welcome to move closer to you if he wishes.

And I bet many grandparents who live a lot closer to their daughters get a lot less interaction with their grandchildren than your DF does. Well done to both sides for achieving this, if - and only if - it suits you both.

Dutch1e · 28/06/2021 18:09

If he and his partner are retired they're in an ideal position to do a couple of houseswaps during the year to "live locally" to you or your sister.

That's just one of many options that are far better than moaning at your grown children about where they live, what a ridiculous hobby he has.

Onlyfoolsandfathers · 28/06/2021 18:12

This is just one of those things. He is getting crotchety and entitled maybe and wants to feel important. He may feel a bit of a spare wheel around his partner's family. Sad but no, not your responsibility to fix.

moofolk · 28/06/2021 18:13

It's ok for him to be sad about it, and ok for him to let you know.

It's not ok to make you feel bad about it.

He can come to you if he really wants it.

It's possible that he's not trying to pressure you, but wants you to know that he loves you and misses you.

If that's not the case and he is trying to pressure you to move your family to somewhere you don't want to be, you'll never be happy there anyway and would always feel resentful.

ChargingBuck · 28/06/2021 18:50

Recently he's been getting increasingly hostile when talking about us about how lonely he is and how he shouldn't have to travel so far to see his grandkids 'at his age' (late 60s).

Is he ever likely to see your point of view?
You could play him at his own game.
Get increasingly hostile about how lonely you are now he''s chosen to live so far from you with his partner. How you shouldn't have to travel so far to see your own father.

Or just tell him that as you don't have a teleporter, & he refused to send you to Hogwarts to learn how to Apparate, you're both going to have to suck up the logistics.

He needs to see how ludicrous & one-sided he's being.
So you might do better with sarcasm & ridiculous statements than trying for a big heart-to-heart, before he's truly accepted that he's being unfairly demanding.

Laureline · 28/06/2021 19:03

Your child has complex needs, you have had to stop your career to look after him, you video call your father every day, your father chose to settle with his current partner… Yet he is getting stroppy with you?
Your father is being a wanker.

LunaLula83 · 28/06/2021 19:47

Send him a list of homes he could buy near you and that you're so excited to see more of him.

Babygotblueyes · 28/06/2021 19:56

You are not being cruel - he is being very unreasonable. It is a shame he feels he is missing out, but expecting you to move is just not right. You could put it back to him that he could move as easily as you. And see what he does with that.

DenyDin0Dex · 28/06/2021 20:37

Lots of people have revaluated their situation & relationships during covid

Perhaps he is trying to communicate something else, but it comes out internally wrong way that you live too far away

He can move, the same as you

GoWalkabout · 28/06/2021 20:45

My df keeps bursting into tears about how he's missed out on the grandchildren growing up and should have made more effort to be involved. He recently had the option to move to live near me or my brother. He didn't take it. He still hasn't visited. He never takes the trouble to engage with the children when we visit. I'm not going to get upset about feelings he's doing nothing about. I suspect in your case your father wants a daughter on hand to help as he gets older and that's the real issue - feeling vulnerable. But he has a wife and has chosen where to live, as have you. And you should not act in your own detriment. Tell him to stop with the guilt trips.

Garraty47 · 28/06/2021 20:51

Daily video call?! 😱

Changechangychange · 28/06/2021 20:55

We video call him everyday and text as a family group several times a day

I’d knock that on the head straight away. Tell him it’s too upsetting as he won’t move any closer to you, if you think you can do it with a straight face. But yes, weekly video calls are plenty.

Roussette · 28/06/2021 21:00

Good grief, my DH is older than your Dad and I'm 60s and my DCs live across the other sider of the country, and we visit them and they come to us when they want to.

And we've had the odd holiday together, could you do that... maybe once?! That might keep him quiet!

I never want to put guilt onto my kids, it's their lives, they are busy working and spending time with partners and friends and having a good time. We love love love getting together, we have such fun but I don't pressure that to happen.

You call your Dad lots, and he should travel to see you, he isn't old.

DutifulDD12 · 28/06/2021 21:06

Ask him, what is stopping him from coming to visit you ?

EL8888 · 28/06/2021 21:18

This sounds familiar. My mum hints heavily about when we are moving back to where l am from and where she lives. I have no urge to move back (worse weather and less career opportunities) and my fiancé would never ever consider it. I can’t see things changing

Rosebel · 28/06/2021 21:28

Well I agree there's no reason to feel guilty or why you should move but why is the situation of his own making?
You and your sister chose to move away from your dad. Unless he was an awful dad then it wasn't his fault you moved away?
Given that you did move I think it should be down to you to visit him more often. I know you Facetime every day but that's not the same really.

MichelleScarn · 28/06/2021 21:36

Late sixties is really not old. I think you need to nip this in the bud now: he sounds like he may also be assuming when he's late seventies you'll come home and care for him. He needs to know moving isn't an option.

I'm wondering if this is going to be his actual thoughts?

Clickbait · 28/06/2021 21:41

Leave behind the guilt, OP. You're doing nothing wrong.

ChargingBuck · 28/06/2021 21:47

You and your sister chose to move away from your dad. Unless he was an awful dad then it wasn't his fault you moved away?

You say this as if it were a filial duty for adult children to stay within a specified orbit of their parents.

OP has children & a career to look after. DF has neither, so he's far freer to travel than OP is. Or upsticks & move closer, if that's what he wants.

OP doesn't live "away", she lives at home. The home & location she chose as a family, just like I imagine her DF did as a younger man.

I think the DF wants to whinge, but not take action. Because, maybe like @Rosebel, he seems to believe that his home is the holy grail around which the rest of the family should revolve.

Rosebel · 28/06/2021 22:10

I was just curious as to why the situation was of her DFs making. If he had moved away fair enough, but he didn't.
If you actually read my post you'd see I there was no reason for OP to feel bad but don't let that stop you just reading what you want.

ChargingBuck · 28/06/2021 22:17

I was just curious as to why the situation was of her DFs making

As there's only a situation because DF has created one?

Other families manage the logistics without becoming "increasingly hostile" - it's DF's hostility & expectation that everyone should assume his location trumps theirs that has caused the situation.

Dillydollydingdong · 28/06/2021 22:32

There are planes. I don't know exactly where you live but if dh really wants to see more of his dgc he only has to hop on a plane and visit while he's still fit.

tallduckandhandsome · 28/06/2021 22:38

The sad bit is that your DF doesn't see his DPs DGC as his own .

Because they’re not his! Doesn’t sound like he brought up setp-dc.

OP, YANBU, why is DF’s desire to be near his partner more important than yours and dsis’s?

He should be proud that he has raised two successful daughters.

ChargingBuck · 28/06/2021 22:39

Also, @Rosebel - you are quite right.
I was snippy at you in my post, that was wrong, apologies for being grumpy, you did nothing to deserve it.

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