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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil and food

71 replies

Barneybobo · 28/06/2021 07:21

Am I being ungrateful here. A little bit of background I have cancer it is not curable and very life limiting. We need help with my son who is 4 so my parents and MIL come and help out on the days he isn’t in nursery. All good and he loves it my issue is that my MIL turns up with bags and bags full of groceries our fridge is filled to bursting. I have told her to stop and said I am more than capable of doing an online delivery and we dont need her to go shopping for us but she can’t seem to stop. I have included her in discussions on the Tesco order. Yesterday despite having had a really big discussion and some harsh words earlier in the week specifically asking her not to bring food to my house she turned up with oil, cooking chocolate, lemon and potatoes. All bar potatoes (which I did ask for) we already had. Along with two big bags of food she wouldn’t show me.

We get milk delivered and she said that she is nervous that we don’t have enough so she brings extra from her delivery so we end up getting confused on milk and with more than we possibly could use.

I probably should bite my tongue but I can’t control much at the moment and shopping particularly food shopping is something I can still do for my family and I feel this is being taken away. I did say how would she feel if I turned up at her house with food like she does and she said she would be hurt but it does not seem to have stopped her. My DH has spoken to her but she listens less to him than to me.

I am grateful for everything she does however so wonder if I should just shut up as it is not that big an issue in the grand scheme of things

OP posts:
romdowa · 28/06/2021 07:24

I wouldn't let her unpack it and I'd make her take it home again. She is way over stepping the boundaries here. She might appear like she is trying to do good but I bet her shopping is actually creating more work.

ItsAboutTimeForANameChange · 28/06/2021 07:28

It's sounds like she's trying to deal with your life limiting illness by trying to be "super helpful". Transferring her anxieties about her GC losing their mum into food in the hope, somehow, that'll make everything ok (although she obviously knows it wont). Sounds like it comes from a position of feeling helpless

Aprilx · 28/06/2021 07:29

She is obviously trying to help, but it sounds like it is wasteful, could you get your partner to speak to her about it? I would also stop confusing the issue by asking for the odd thing like the potatoes, keep a firm line, you have it all covered.

yoyo1234 · 28/06/2021 07:34

Space in property costs so much in the UK, I get frustrated when anyone brings excess things to my house. Do you have space in the fridge/freezer/cupboards I would be very unlikely to so more clutter would entail (this upsets me and you maybe similar). You have asked her and by not listening or doing what you ask I would feel she is saying you are not worth listening to/do not know your own needs etc.

User5827372728 · 28/06/2021 07:36

My family so this and it drives me mad! I think it’s a cultural thing, my family are Greek, is she British? I mainly put what we don’t need into a FB group and people collect it within an hour, but that’s extra effort.

I would ask my OH to tell MIL if she turns up with bags of unwanted food she will have to go home first and leave it there before she can come in. After lugging it to yours, then taking it straight home and back again, hopefully she’ll stop.

Disfordarkchocolate · 28/06/2021 07:37

I was going to say it's just her way of coping/helping. However, when you said about this being one of the fews tasks you can still do for your family I totally changed your mind.

Have you made this point to her?

DifficultBloodyWoman · 28/06/2021 07:38

She means well. But I can understand how annoying this is. Particularly as you have no control over other things in your life, you want to be able to control the things that you can.

It’s a fridge and food and not a big deal. But it is ok to be annoyed about this.

Tell her straight - so much is out of your control at the moment that you are aware that you fixating on the contents of the fridge more than normal. And while you really appreciate the thought behind it, she is not allowed to unpack any more shopping in your kitchen it will go straight to the food bank (or bin if they don’t accept it). Then, mean it. The next t8me she does this (and she probably will), follow through. Bin or food bank. She has been warned and she will learn.

You are not being unreasonable at all. 💐

MarianneUnfaithful · 28/06/2021 07:43

Oh, OP, I really feel for you.

Your position “there is so little I can control in my life but the food provision I make for my family is one of them and it hurts immeasurably for that to be taken away by this unasked for shopping. Please stop, right now”

And then anything else: straight in the bin or on Olio. Which could be you doing something for your community.

Original poster
Barneybobo · 28/06/2021 07:43

@Aprilx

She is obviously trying to help, but it sounds like it is wasteful, could you get your partner to speak to her about it? I would also stop confusing the issue by asking for the odd thing like the potatoes, keep a firm line, you have it all covered.
I think you are right I was asking her to get the odd thing so she felt useful but it is just confusing the issue and I am not being clear
OP posts:
DeathStare · 28/06/2021 07:43

I wouldn't let her unpack it and I'd make her take it home again. She is way over stepping the boundaries here. She might appear like she is trying to do good but I bet her shopping is actually creating more work

This

shopping particularly food shopping is something I can still do for my family and I feel this is being taken away

I would put this in a text/email to her, also reminding her not to bring any food. If she turns up with food I wouldn't let her unpack it. If she has come by car, I'd take it straight back out to her car.

icelollycraving · 28/06/2021 07:46

I think it’s her ‘love language’ to ensure no one is going hungry, that you have anything v you may need etc. Just accept she is trying to help in a way she can.

KihoBebiluPute · 28/06/2021 07:48

This must be really difficult to love through. I hate my fridge and freezer being so overcrowded that I can't find the things I want.

Could you ask her to only bring long-life food in tins and packets that don't need to be kept cold - even milk is available in long life versions. Then anything that she brings that hasn't been used by the time she leaves can be donated to your nearest food bank.

She is probably subconsciously trying to use food to feel like she is making things better. She needs to understand that there are ways she can contribute that won't stress and upset you as much as her current strategies do. Just telling her to stop won't help, but redirecting her impulses to something more manageable should be easier.

Original poster
Barneybobo · 28/06/2021 07:48

We live in a tiny terrace house so space is definitely at a premium we have no space for this extra food. She also decided to buy a juicer the other day and put in the counter despite my husband basking her not to unpack it and we didn’t want it. This is also not unusual.

She is Scottish, not sure if it is cultural I don’t think so I think it is her way of being in control of a frankly horrible situation for everyone but she is taking my control in order to feel better.

I would send her home but it takes her over an hour to get here and we do need her help.

OP posts:
Original poster
Barneybobo · 28/06/2021 07:49

@Disfordarkchocolate

I was going to say it's just her way of coping/helping. However, when you said about this being one of the fews tasks you can still do for your family I totally changed your mind.

Have you made this point to her?

I did make this point and she seemed to get it and it worked for one day but she was back to normal yesterday
OP posts:
Caiti19 · 28/06/2021 07:56

"food shopping is something I can still do for my family and I feel this is being taken away"

Sit down with her and quietly calmly say this sentence to her followed by "I know it's hard for anyone to put themselves in my shoes, but I'm going to need you to respect this going forward as you haven't so far. I know you believe it's helpful, but I'm telling you now I don't like it because I shop for my family. Do not show up here with food again. Can you please commit to that now?"

If, after that, she does it again - you'll need to stop her coming to your house.

DeathStare · 28/06/2021 07:58

I would send her home but it takes her over an hour to get here and we do need her help

You don't need to send her home immediately though. When she comes through the door just take the bag off her and say "do you remember I mentioned how its upsetting me when you bring food as it's one thing I like to be able to do? So I'll just leave this bag here by the door/in the car so you can take it with you when you go" Or better yet, get DH to do it.

Maray1967 · 28/06/2021 08:02

The food needs to go straight back in her car. Your DH needs to get firm with her. She should not have been allowed to leave a juicer if you don’t want it. Yes, she is thinking that she is helping but you need to tell her firmly that this is making you more stressed and it has to stop.
We’ve had similar issues over Christmas and birthday parties from relatives who have brought way more than we asked (when they offered) and then there is nowhere to put it. Had MIL trying to ram an extra dessert in the fridge one year and I stood my ground and I made her put it back in their car boot. I could barely get stuff in and out as it was. She had no right to do that - stupid, as she herself complains about her own fridge being small and knows ours is as well.
And yes, she is not helping if she is taking away something that are able and want to do for your family. Your DH needs to make that very clear.
💐

cptartapp · 28/06/2021 08:04

You asked her to bring potatoes?
Mixed messages. Don't ask her to bring anything at all.
I think her regular childcare kind of gives her the idea she has free input into managing other areas of your family life.
Difficult. You may need to get angry.

MrsTulipTattsyrup · 28/06/2021 08:18

She feels she wants to help in any way she can, and is trying to do so in a practical way. Feeding you all is showing her love. It sounds as though you have a good, close relationship, so be honest with her and tell her just what you’ve told us. She will appreciate your honesty, even though it will be hard for you both. I’d usually recommend that MIL issues are dealt with by their child, but I think this is one instance where it will be best coming directly from you, if you can face doing it.

PurpleyBlue · 28/06/2021 08:20

Keep making the point. I think you'll have to get blunter each time. You know she is trying to help but it's making things worse.

PurpleyBlue · 28/06/2021 08:22

"food shopping is something I can still do for my family and I feel this is being taken away" this is such a powerful sentence I would keep repeating it to her each time.

Lorw · 28/06/2021 08:27

Your MIL is clearly just trying to help, her knowing that her GC is going to lose their mum and her son is going to lose his wife must put her into overdrive, everyone has different ways of coping but your way of coping should come before your MIL. Maybe both you and your DH should sit her down and tell her that any extra food surplus to what you need shouldn’t be bought over and from now on if it is, it’s going to be sent back with her? Just be honest as to why and stick to it.

Girlwhowearsglasses · 28/06/2021 08:37

OP Flowers for you.
That sentence cuts to the chase - as others have said it's all you need to say. Your partner too.

All best to you all

headintheproverbial · 28/06/2021 08:40

I would agree with pps - she probably feels utterly helpless in this (your!) awful situation and is trying to do what she can. Of course this is hard for all of you and what she's doing is actually turning out to be annoying and unhelpful but do try to remember it is coming from a good place.

Worst comes to the worst either send it back home with her or just bin it. Yes it's wasteful but it sounds as though you've other things to worry about.

LemonRoses · 28/06/2021 08:40

Horrid situation for you all.
She’s trying to be helpful and you’re trying to hang on to your usefulness and independence.
Explain that to her rather than focussing on the food. If that’s too hard to explain get your palliative nurse specialist to have a word.