Mil and food

[Barneybobo]

Am I being ungrateful here. A little bit of background I have cancer it is not curable and very life limiting. We need help with my son who is 4 so my parents and MIL come and help out on the days he isn’t in nursery. All good and he loves it my issue is that my MIL turns up with bags and bags full of groceries our fridge is filled to bursting. I have told her to stop and said I am more than capable of doing an online delivery and we dont need her to go shopping for us but she can’t seem to stop. I have included her in discussions on the Tesco order. Yesterday despite having had a really big discussion and some harsh words earlier in the week specifically asking her not to bring food to my house she turned up with oil, cooking chocolate, lemon and potatoes. All bar potatoes (which I did ask for) we already had. Along with two big bags of food she wouldn’t show me.

We get milk delivered and she said that she is nervous that we don’t have enough so she brings extra from her delivery so we end up getting confused on milk and with more than we possibly could use.

I probably should bite my tongue but I can’t control much at the moment and shopping particularly food shopping is something I can still do for my family and I feel this is being taken away. I did say how would she feel if I turned up at her house with food like she does and she said she would be hurt but it does not seem to have stopped her. My DH has spoken to her but she listens less to him than to me.

I am grateful for everything she does however so wonder if I should just shut up as it is not that big an issue in the grand scheme of things

I’ve had this too. Turning up with lots of food every week (most of it due to go past it’s sell by date within 2 days!). Also bringing unwanted household items. Drove me crazy. In the end I used to see what I wanted or would use then say I didn’t want the rest. I don’t want to throw it away when I didn’t buy it and by making her take things back, it meant she had to go through the process of throwing it away and realising it was a waste. It did die down - although she still completely over buys whenever we go to see them and tries to send me home with bags of stuff!!!
Stay firm and sen the food home with her. Do not let her unpack it!

You are allowed to be angry when your boundaries are being trampled on, no matter who is the culprit. Stamp your feet and cry. It’s the only language some people understand.

So sorry to hear what you are going through

I agree that it might be a coping mechanism maybe ? If you can't get her to stop I'd even donate it to a food bank ?

I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. She’s trying to be thoughtful and helpful but is actually causing you stress. After everything you’ve tried, I would just tell her she can’t bring the bags into your house when she turns up with them, and tell her to take them away with her.
This is probably her way of dealing with the situation, which is fine, but not when she is causing you upset and stress. Everyone should really be following your lead, as to how you want their help and support, as it’s you primarily that is going through this. Everyone will be frightened, worried, upset and this can cause people to behave in strange ways.
Hopefully you can stop her doing this.

Maybe rephrase the above statement to "food shopping is something I can still do for my family and I feel you are taking this away from me". Then maybe she will get it.

If she brings more stuff and refuses to take it home, maybe put it out the front of the house in a box/on a tarp with a sign saying 'Free food - please take'. Do this while she is there. Surely if that doesn't stop her then nothing will. It's cruel but you've tried using words and nothing's happened, so....

I work with patients with cancer, and there are books and other materials suggested to them, on how & why they can improve their diets.
Could your MIL have seen some of this, and is trying to make some changes by bringing the food rather than outright saying for you to change?

Just my musings, probably nothing like this at all but just thought I'd mention it.

This is so hard for all of you and I agree that she is desperately trying to help. But you need to look after you, of course. If talking to her doesn't work what about putting a box outside the front door for the food bank. Anything extra she brings just goes straight in there. Maybe she could help you by dropping it round there on her way home as well.

@icelollycraving

I think it’s her ‘love language’ to ensure no one is going hungry, that you have anything v you may need etc. Just accept she is trying to help in a way she can.

Yes this. The food is a metaphor for love. She is trying to help, by nourishing and caring expressed through food. If you have excess - take it to a foodbank/charity drop. It would be really appreciated. Xx

She's trying to help in a practical way. Donate any unwanted items to a food bank?

Oh bless her, I imagine that she feels awful and helpless about your illness and it's overcompensating. While I see how frustrating it is for you, I wonder if you could just let her being what she clearly wants to bring and do with it what you please. You've tried the harsh words and it hasn't worked so either you continue getting worked up and feeling angry about it or you just accept it as a misguided but well intentioned gesture coming from a place of love?

I think the Pp saying to go with "this is something I can do and you are taking it away from me" line are correct. Sit her down and say that, politely but firmly. If she does it again, just repeat firmly- and stop asking her for anything. Can you ask your dm instead? I would feel seriously undermined, and I completely get the crowding- space is at such a premium, why should someone else dictate what goes into your house?

Getting her to immediately remove or not even unpack anything she's brought will help, too. I love the idea of foodbank or olio but why should OP or her DH do the legwork when MiL created this?

You need to just lose it. I would have done by now.
The last time she walked on with the stuff I'd have burst into tears and yelled at her.

It's the only thing that stands a chance of working. Crying and shouting that you've told her that this is upsetting you and she's still doing it and making what's left of your life miserable.

She is trying to help, by nourishing and caring expressed through food then she needs to find another way to help as OP has told her to stop.

So sorry about your situation I can't imagine how hard it is. I live in a terrace so get the space thing!

I think it really doesn't sound malicious. Sounds like it's how she shows care, I'm probably like this too. But do keep on with her about the shopping being your thing you can control and still do for your family.

It's not the same but I have mental health issues which can effect what I do at home
I totally understand that need to have some kind of control or impact on the home environment and the feeling of uselessness if I can't.

But do remember all the tings you're feeling aren't what she wants you to feel and she's trying to help.
Sending love and best wishes op

Watching with interest as we have the same issue with Mil and food. She has a long-standing compulsive buying habit but now that she's downsized from a house to a flat, it manifests itself in buying food.

I refuse to ask her to keep an eye on the house any more if we're away because no matter what we say, she fills the fridge with food which means I can't fit my delivery in there. If DH visits her, she pushes bags of food and drink on him and bullies him into taking it (I lost my shit at him and it stopped for a while but is creeping up again). If she comes here, she brings bags of food. She has been known to drop by and leave food on the doorstep when we're out.

It drives me mad because it's stuff she thinks we like as opposed to anything we want - so lots of jars of pasta sauce, random things like preserved lemons (because we like lemon in a drink, apparently, and she didn't realise what they actually are), boxes of biscuits, chocolates etc. The tins/jars/packets I now just take straight to the food bank, but she will often buy highly perishable stuff like pots of seafood cocktail and mussels.

For anyone who reads this and thinks 'oh how mean, she's just being nice, I'd be grateful if my Mil gave me loads of food', ask yourself how YOU would feel to constantly have unwanted food items being foisted on you which you have to throw away. And yes, I do say no to her, which is why she leaves it by stealth or hounds DH to take it. She is a difficult character, very overbearing but also very touchy, so simply taking it back to her isn't an option.

I think the Pp saying to go with "this is something I can do and you are taking it away from me" line are correct.

This, and I'd also tell her that if she wants to help, she needs to work with you.

@AlGorithim

Watching with interest as we have the same issue with Mil and food. She has a long-standing compulsive buying habit but now that she's downsized from a house to a flat, it manifests itself in buying food.

I refuse to ask her to keep an eye on the house any more if we're away because no matter what we say, she fills the fridge with food which means I can't fit my delivery in there. If DH visits her, she pushes bags of food and drink on him and bullies him into taking it (I lost my shit at him and it stopped for a while but is creeping up again). If she comes here, she brings bags of food. She has been known to drop by and leave food on the doorstep when we're out.

It drives me mad because it's stuff she thinks we like as opposed to anything we want - so lots of jars of pasta sauce, random things like preserved lemons (because we like lemon in a drink, apparently, and she didn't realise what they actually are), boxes of biscuits, chocolates etc. The tins/jars/packets I now just take straight to the food bank, but she will often buy highly perishable stuff like pots of seafood cocktail and mussels.

For anyone who reads this and thinks 'oh how mean, she's just being nice, I'd be grateful if my Mil gave me loads of food', ask yourself how YOU would feel to constantly have unwanted food items being foisted on you which you have to throw away. And yes, I do say no to her, which is why she leaves it by stealth or hounds DH to take it. She is a difficult character, very overbearing but also very touchy, so simply taking it back to her isn't an option.

This is my mil to a tee. It drives me mad. And people must think I sound so petty and ungrateful when I moan. She brings 5 massive bags full of stuff and over half of it is stuff that nobody eats and it goes to waste. Other stuff is useful like toothpaste, shampoo and cleaning stuff but she brings a years worth every few weeks. I have limited cupboard space and it all come flying out when I open the door. It drives me mad. Lockdown was a blessed relief 😆 I do think it is a control thing.

I am scottish and my Mum is like this too. She worries about me and brings stuff. Now my Mum is older, I also worry about her and take her stuff she doesn't want. Recently I took cake to my parents and made them eat it while I watched, which was ridiculous as they constantly tell me not to bring biscuits as it ruins their diet. It's just an expression of worry and caring from me and is probably totally counter-productive.

I have some idea that Irish relatives may be like this x10. I have Irish Inlaws and if I go there, or to a B&B in Ireland I get FED. Once a B&B lady stood over me and basically made me eat a whole cooked breakfast through the sheer power of staring.

Maybe a way to help your MIL control this compulsion would be to give her an alternative outlet for it?

Like think of some other specific thing that she could do as an expression of love that would be less of a pain in the bum?

I think she probably feels a strong need to arrive with something in her hand to give to you, so maybe you could give her an indication of something or some class of objects that would be appreciated. My Mum started bringing sticker books for my DC and that went down a storm with DC and gave her a lot of fun sticker book shopping. Also sticker books can be thrown out when they are done, which helps.

Hilariously she was still sending colouring books to DS well beyond the age when it made any sense, just becuase that really worked well for her psychologically.

Good luck. Your MIL sounds wonderful, and so do you.

Its such a waste, I could think of so many better uses for the money!

While she might be trying to help, it is not helping the OP, in fact it's upsetting her. MIL needs to realise this, and that her rule is to support OP and get family in ways THEY find helpful and not ways SHE might.

I agree absolutely with @Caiti19 approach. It might also be worth showing her this, about the ring theory: facingcancerwithgrace.com/circle-of-support/

Everyone's role is to support you, and those closer to the centre of the circle than them. It's not for you to support her by taking her food to make her feel better, however kindly it's intended.

If this doesn't work then losing it is definitely the next option

I think if you can't get her to stop and don't want to fall out over it, the other option is to give her a complete shopping list and get her to do all your grocery shopping and for you to take that off your list of things to do.

I understand this is something you can do currently for your family, and I'm not trying to undermine that, but I'm wondering if there are other ways to resolve this issue.

@sillysmiles

I think if you can't get her to stop and don't want to fall out over it, the other option is to give her a complete shopping list and get her to do all your grocery shopping and for you to take that off your list of things to do.

I understand this is something you can do currently for your family, and I'm not trying to undermine that, but I'm wondering if there are other ways to resolve this issue.

That suggestion would be the OP making the MIL feel better when the reverse should be happening.

It's not supportive. It's selfish in that she is defining for herself what constitutes support and is imposing that definition, and draining the OP of mental energy in the process.

She might have been traumatised in her childhood and not even have the memory. Perhaps her mum was in hospital and there was noone home to feed her as a child cos of the emergency, who knows? If you've told her several times and she can't stop then join your local FB group and make a recurring post saying miscellaneous groceries available for free. That way you'll be passing it in to someone who hopefully truly needs it.

I usually take something edible when I go to visit friends. Some tease and some even say I act like their mum always bringing something for them. Who knows if I'll become worse when it's visiting my grown kids when I have them.

No, OP doesn't need the stress of dealing with any of this.
People really need to put their own feelings to one side to support those who have a life limiting illness. I just can't see how this is at all controversial.

She sounds like a lovely lady, who wants to help, but can't stop this for some reason. Is she elderly? My mother's generation/family have a need to help and give you things, to the extent that if we visit and they have nothing for you it is a cause of stress and embarrassment. Is she forgetful and stuck in a pattern of behaviour? She sounds like she may understandably be struggling emotionally. Like pp I also wondered if she is trying to improve your diet - hence the juicer. There are books suggesting that juicing is the cure all. I know non of this solves the problem, but trying to understand what's behind her bizzare behaviour might help a little. Your husband needs to have a word again - no food allowed, unless help is actually needed.