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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mil and food

71 replies

Barneybobo · 28/06/2021 07:21

Am I being ungrateful here. A little bit of background I have cancer it is not curable and very life limiting. We need help with my son who is 4 so my parents and MIL come and help out on the days he isn’t in nursery. All good and he loves it my issue is that my MIL turns up with bags and bags full of groceries our fridge is filled to bursting. I have told her to stop and said I am more than capable of doing an online delivery and we dont need her to go shopping for us but she can’t seem to stop. I have included her in discussions on the Tesco order. Yesterday despite having had a really big discussion and some harsh words earlier in the week specifically asking her not to bring food to my house she turned up with oil, cooking chocolate, lemon and potatoes. All bar potatoes (which I did ask for) we already had. Along with two big bags of food she wouldn’t show me.

We get milk delivered and she said that she is nervous that we don’t have enough so she brings extra from her delivery so we end up getting confused on milk and with more than we possibly could use.

I probably should bite my tongue but I can’t control much at the moment and shopping particularly food shopping is something I can still do for my family and I feel this is being taken away. I did say how would she feel if I turned up at her house with food like she does and she said she would be hurt but it does not seem to have stopped her. My DH has spoken to her but she listens less to him than to me.

I am grateful for everything she does however so wonder if I should just shut up as it is not that big an issue in the grand scheme of things

OP posts:

saraclara · 28/06/2021 15:23

Your DH needs to really lay it on the line

"Mum, we will not be letting you in if you have food with you. I've told you before that it adds to Barney's stress when she already has enough to deal with. Let her have control over the one thing she can do. She's asked you time and again not to bring food and you are actively defying her and making the time she has a left, a lot worse"

saraclara · 28/06/2021 15:26

Oh. Just read that she listens less to him than to you.

So you say that but change the pronouns.

Original poster

Barneybobo · 28/06/2021 17:01

Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice.

I will be more firmer and say to her clearly how I feel. She is a very kind lady and it will all be done with good intentions but I find it so very draining. However this is something I do feel quite strongly about. She is early 70s so I do think quite set in her ways.

OP posts:

sillysmiles · 28/06/2021 17:15

@Caiti19 - potentially, but my point was not about making the MIL feel better - just to remove the conflict point and removing this stress from the OP's life at the moment.
Is it not more stressful to have to constantly have this battle? When the crux is that for the OP shopping has become something she can do. I would guess that her family wont give a shiny shit that the OP is ordering the shopping at the moment.
Yes the MIL should have stopped when asked the first time - I'm not debating that. She should have. But she hasn't and it is causing the OP upset. And I would wonder if it is worth the level of upset it is causing.

Obviously, only the OP can decide that.

sillysmiles · 28/06/2021 17:20

@Barneybobo - sorry I just saw your last post, where this is very important to you. In that case, ignore my post please.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/06/2021 17:30

I can't believe some of these responses... Some of you think the op, who is battling cancer, should deal with taking unwanted food to a donation centre? Is that a joke? FFS. Her husband needs to pull his head out and get his mother under control or tell her she's not visiting.

Eviebeans · 28/06/2021 17:36

Could you get your partner to speak to her - tell her no more food but some other helpful task maybe -laundry. I understand why she's doing it -(she's literally carrying bags of love into your house) but you don't need the extra stress so partner will need to tell her.

billy1966 · 28/06/2021 17:58

You poor woman.

The last thing you need is her doing things that make HER feel better.

That would piss me off so much.

You insist she takes the food away with her.
Add the juicer.
Tell her calmly she is overstepping and upsetting you and you don't have the energy or patience to allow HER to feel better, at YOUR expense, while YOU are dying.

That may sound harsh, but I wouldn't be able for tjis at all.

Tell your husband to have a firm word.

Just because she means well doesn't mean she can impose on you like this.

Is there a dinner that she could make for you that might give her something useful to do that would benefit you?

cabingirl · 28/06/2021 18:04

If you can't find a way to get through to her so that she actually stops bringing stuff then the path of least resistance without having to spend too much time dealing with this is stick a box near the back door. As soon as anything comes in from MIL put it straight in the box - then your DH either makes her take it straight home that trip, or he takes it to her house/charity shop.

Put everything in there food, juicer etc.

Strikethrough · 28/06/2021 18:06

Put a box on the front step. Don't allow her in until she's deposited all the unwanted food into it, picked it up and put it back in her car. She won't change, you can only change how you respond to her.

Holly60 · 28/06/2021 18:15

@ItsAboutTimeForANameChange

It's sounds like she's trying to deal with your life limiting illness by trying to be "super helpful". Transferring her anxieties about her GC losing their mum into food in the hope, somehow, that'll make everything ok (although she obviously knows it wont). Sounds like it comes from a position of feeling helpless

Yup this. She wants to be able to DO something to help you. She is getting it wrong but it does come from a good place. Get your DP to say ‘mum we KNOW how much you love us and care, you don’t need to say it with mountains of shopping…’

Holly60 · 28/06/2021 18:16

Also - could you give her a shopping list? Would she stick to it?

KindnessCrusader · 28/06/2021 18:34

'She is Scottish.'

She sounds like every member of my Scottish family-female and male. Food is how she shows her love. She loves you and is worried and scared. I know you are too. I'm not sure what the answer is, but I can absolutely see both sides here.

AlGorithim · 28/06/2021 21:52

@Holly60

Also - could you give her a shopping list? Would she stick to it?

In the OP, it actually says that she has repeatedly told Mil not to bring food and words have been exchanged.

I’m genuinely at a loss to understand why so many posters are falling over themselves to sympathise with ‘poor Mil, she’s just trying to help’ when it’s the OP who is suffering from a life-limiting illness, whose boundaries are being ignored and her wishes dismissed.

It’s clear that a lot of people are simply failing to examine this beyond two headline points: free food and poor Mil.

To have someone repeatedly doing something you have asked, told and demanded that they don’t do, ignoring your wishes and framing it as ‘doing a nice thing’ is not considerate or caring, it’s rude, controlling and aggressive. It doesn’t matter if it’s buying food or talking over your favourite tv programme.

For example, my Mil had a massive strop a few weeks ago when DH had it out with her over the constant unwanted food and said she’d never buy anything for us again. That lasted exactly a week, when she left three jars of pesto on the doorstep. When DH asked her about it, she said she thought they looked nice, it was only pesto and we could just keep it in the cupboard. There is no fucking room in the cupboards! I took them to the food bank and DH told her I had, she was apparently a bit put out and he had to point out (again) that we’d asked her not to get us food.

The problem is that she can’t stop herself buying stuff and in her head, she has decided buying food ‘doesn’t count’ because she’s giving it away and it’s just food. Leaving the jars was just a way of her trying to work out what she could get away with giving us.

StCharlotte · 28/06/2021 22:01

@PurpleyBlue

"food shopping is something I can still do for my family and I feel this is being taken away" this is such a powerful sentence I would keep repeating it to her each time.

Yes it leapt out at me too. No one could he offended if that was spelt out to them.

Permanentlygrumpy · 28/06/2021 22:08

My mum is like this and it's her way of dealing with a very stressful situation. She is trying in own clumsy way to support her son and you. Maybe just reduce your shopping delivery and give her a list of extras to buy. I would try not to get annoyed as your dh & ds will need her.

Dobbyisahouseelf · 28/06/2021 22:23

Your MIL is being very unreasonable. I have a couple of friends on your journey and it is important that you are in control over some aspects of your life. Your MIL needs to listen and respect this. Wishing you all the best OP.

billy1966 · 28/06/2021 22:47

Its hard enough for women going through life threatening/limiting illnesses without having to accommodate the emotions of others.

Yet they very often have to.
Either having people telling them not to worry they will be fine.🙄
People telling them endless stories of survival from completely unrelated illnesses.🙄
Or getting so upset and making the illness all about them and how upset THEY are.

Unbelievable that every single woman I know over the past couple of years has had to deal with this and PROTECT themselves from these people.

It's hard enough to deal with the hand they have been dealt without having to accommodate those that would make it about them and impose on them.

OP,

Your husband needs to pull his finger out and sort his mother out.
She may be upset but she needs to deal with it and stop pissing off DIL.

She is not helping.

saraclara · 28/06/2021 22:48

@Permanentlygrumpy

Oh for goodness' sake.

Who is the most important person in this situation? Hint: it's not MIL.

Please PLEASE read this from the OP again. And again. And again.

food shopping is something I can still do for my family and I feel this is being taken away

Chloemol · 28/06/2021 23:21

Keep asking her not t9 d9 if

If she does, either ask her to take it back with her, or if she refuses drop it off at the local food bank

leciafosl · 05/07/2021 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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