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Original poster

DP loosing his job again. Not sure if I can do it again.

53 replies

Deepblues · 27/06/2021 22:06

I’m going to rant here as I can’t rant to him/anyone else in real life. I’ll have to be strong as he really suffered with his MH when he was last unemployed.

Over the last 2 years he’s been unemployed for 11 months over two stints - he’ll be going into the third. He finally got a great job in another sector and everything seemed to be on the up. It looks highly likely he hasn’t passed his probation and he’s got a formal meeting about it this week.

Beforehand when he left his job 2 years ago for MH I had a steady job. Bills were covered, a bit of scrimping but he lived off his savings. He got a new job around covid and was the first to be let go. I then lost my job last summer and spent the last year bouncing between zero hour contracts/MNW/temp jobs until now.

The last couple of years have been hard, I’ve worked bloody hard to ensure that all bills have been paid as he’s had debts he’s had to pay. I honestly can’t remember the last time I bought myself something new. He still owes people money (I’ve just found out!) from the last two stints.

I know I sound selfish but I was looking forward to going on holiday, buying some new clothes, getting my nails done again, a decent hair cut, going out with friends etc etc.

While I can cover the bills myself with this wage it’s going to mean no luxuries that I was looking forward to.

And that’s not even taking into account how shit it was for DP and his mental health. Him being in the house 24/7 with his mood plummeting day upon day.

Not sure why I’m writing it here, I guess I’m throwing myself a pity party when I should be thinking of him. I know I’m privileged as there’s plenty of people who have it worse, and just having a roof, safety and food in the fridge makes me better off. I guess I just needed to rant.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 27/06/2021 22:11

What obligations do you have to him? Do you have children together? A joint mortgage?

I'd be furious if I was working to make ends meet while my partner was fucking jobs over again and again.

Permanentlygrumpy · 27/06/2021 22:11

Has he had help for his mental health recently? I would gently encourage him to seek counselling and support for his mental health. It could be that his MH is affecting his performance at work so addressing this would help him.
www.mind.org.uk/

HedgeVeg · 27/06/2021 22:13

"Mental Health" is a term that covers a lot; from genuine illness through to an excuse for laziness/rudeness etc etc

Where is he falling within that spectrum?

HollowTalk · 27/06/2021 22:14

This has been going on for a while, OP. You have threads from Feb 20 and March 20 where you've had serious problems with him.

I think it's time to draw things to an end. You deserve a happy life.

GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy · 27/06/2021 22:18

I know I sound selfish but I was looking forward to going on holiday, buying some new clothes, getting my nails done again, a decent hair cut, going out with friends etc etc.
Not selfish at all - these are normal little treats that make day to day life more joyful. Sounds like you take on the role of managing EVERYTHING and that's bloody tiring. Why SHOULD you? Partnerships are meant to be equal!
Is life perhaps more convenient for him when he's not working?

Userg1234 · 27/06/2021 22:21

As has been said mh can be an excuse. Is he really trying or is he looking for a way out.
I ask because last night I finally got through to my mil what a cunt my wife's sisters husband is. He's looked for years to not work...entitled as his parents had money. He's been moaning that his mother had died and his inheritance was slow coming...he'd not visited her in care for over10 years

RampantIvy · 27/06/2021 22:24

Why does he keep losing his job?

BusyLizzie61 · 27/06/2021 22:25

@Deepblues

I’m going to rant here as I can’t rant to him/anyone else in real life. I’ll have to be strong as he really suffered with his MH when he was last unemployed.

Over the last 2 years he’s been unemployed for 11 months over two stints - he’ll be going into the third. He finally got a great job in another sector and everything seemed to be on the up. It looks highly likely he hasn’t passed his probation and he’s got a formal meeting about it this week.

Beforehand when he left his job 2 years ago for MH I had a steady job. Bills were covered, a bit of scrimping but he lived off his savings. He got a new job around covid and was the first to be let go. I then lost my job last summer and spent the last year bouncing between zero hour contracts/MNW/temp jobs until now.

The last couple of years have been hard, I’ve worked bloody hard to ensure that all bills have been paid as he’s had debts he’s had to pay. I honestly can’t remember the last time I bought myself something new. He still owes people money (I’ve just found out!) from the last two stints.

I know I sound selfish but I was looking forward to going on holiday, buying some new clothes, getting my nails done again, a decent hair cut, going out with friends etc etc.

While I can cover the bills myself with this wage it’s going to mean no luxuries that I was looking forward to.

And that’s not even taking into account how shit it was for DP and his mental health. Him being in the house 24/7 with his mood plummeting day upon day.

Not sure why I’m writing it here, I guess I’m throwing myself a pity party when I should be thinking of him. I know I’m privileged as there’s plenty of people who have it worse, and just having a roof, safety and food in the fridge makes me better off. I guess I just needed to rant.

Yes, it's shit. Bit I think that the alternative is you split and you'd still not be in a better financial position and probably worse in the longer term. .Yes, it's going to be hard, but hopefully with workplaces opening up🤞it will be a quick process.

Fwiw, has he been having monthly or interim probation meetings with targets etc set, that are SMART? When it's the final meeting, the letters have to suggest All potential outcomes even if no issues. So unless you already know he's not improved despite support plans etc, then it could be positive.

Did he declare his MH issues?

MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 27/06/2021 22:25

Do you know why he hasn't passed his probation?

What is DH doing to help this situation? It can't always be on you

DenyDin0Dex · 27/06/2021 22:26

What does he have that he can sell to release
some money ?

Can he claim sick pay or universal credit or PIP ?

Do you have children together ?

Do you need to stay together?
How many times should you support someone?

OverTheRubicon · 27/06/2021 22:34

Job loss is shit and can happen to anyone, especially during covid. However third stint in 2 years and not passing probation? I'd be sad too, and worried about what the future holds.

I wish someone had told me that it's not always selfish to not be willing to save someone - and then even if it were, that actually it's ok to be a bit selfish sometimes.

I had the sudden realisation the other day, that I'd poured even half the time and stress and money that I spent trying to resolve my ex's various life woes into charity I could have changed the life circumstances of many many families overseas, or if I'd spent it on our kids, I would have worked less and had so much lovely time together, or if I'd spent it on myself, maybe I wouldn't have developed an autoimmune disorder. Instead it went on periods out of work, and moves to fresh starts that caused more stress, and the main emotion it seemed to generate in him was low-level guilty resentment.

If you have a strong underlying relationship and he is a great guy with some issues that make it hard to hold a job, then it's absolutely worth knuckling down and keeping sight of what matters. Is that really the case for you?

therocinante · 27/06/2021 22:34

Ahhh I sympathise, I've been there. It's incredibly hard, the pressure is enormous to keep things going (and is no good for resentment). With DH and I, it was resolved by a complete career change, medication for a condition which makes working difficult for him and lots of therapy and I am delighted that he's turned it around, but there were certainly times where I was angry and resentful and scared about what it was doing both to him and our relationship dynamic and my mental health.

Do you know why he keeps failing probation/losing jobs? That's obviously #1 to tackle - either a career coach, or mental health support, or realistic look at the type or level or sector of job.

Is he claiming all support he can?

Is he seeking MH support when he's not working?

Do you live together and is he picking up the slack as a result of not being at work?

Is he actively searching for new jobs and trying to rectify what went wrong?

Can he look at work that he can do (ANYTHING - pissy £5 jobs on Fiverr, work from home telesales, delivery for local takeaway, bits of labouring if he knows anyone who could use him - literally scratching about for anything that would keep him busier and making at least a tiny bit of money)?

If he isn't trying, I'd be done - as hard as it is for him, this is a pattern now, not a one-off, and it's not sustainable. If he is... well, I held on and I'm so, so so glad I did because it was 100% worth it. But the effort needs to be there.

Cocomarine · 27/06/2021 22:43

You’ve only just found out he owes people money from the last 2 lots of employment?

Fuck that.

I’d support my boyfriend through unemployment.
Not through lying (directly or through omission) about finances to me when I was supporting him.

What he borrowing money for and what’s his reason for the not telling you at the time, and why’s it come out now?

If he borrowed money from a mate to get you a birthday present because he really feels you deserved it after supporting him, I may have to wind my neck in.

But I have a sneaking suspicion he was borrowing to treat himself to the kind of things you’ve being going without 🤷🏻‍♀️

Garraty47 · 27/06/2021 22:44

Why is he going to fail probation?

Why does he keep losing jobs?

Cocomarine · 27/06/2021 22:51

Oh @Deepblues go back and read your previous threads about him. I’m not a GP so I can’t diagnose MH or otherwise. I can diagnose arsehole though 🤷🏻‍♀️

Two question for you… see all the while you’ve been paying bills for him, has he (a) sold his fancy car to help out or (b) quite the weed?

therocinante · 27/06/2021 22:54

@Cocomarine

Oh *@Deepblues* go back and read your previous threads about him. I’m not a GP so I can’t diagnose MH or otherwise. I can diagnose arsehole though 🤷🏻‍♀️

Two question for you… see all the while you’ve been paying bills for him, has he (a) sold his fancy car to help out or (b) quite the weed?

Ah. Yeah.

Ignore all my previous advice, OP. Fuck this guy off, he's not worth it.

MilduraS · 27/06/2021 22:54

It's not selfish to look forward to treating yourself to some small luxuries. Working just to survive is no way to live life if you can help it. Do you know why he isn't likely to pass probation? If it's a sales job he doesn't suit with high targets then that's understandable. If he's been late to work, regularly off "sick" and generally unrealisable it's a lot harder to feel any sympathy for him.

Cocomarine · 27/06/2021 22:57

@therocinante yours was a lovely post, and I’m glad for you and your husband that you’ve been able to do much to help him, and him to help himself Flowers

Gazelda · 27/06/2021 22:58

Of course you're not being selfish.
Is he certain not to pass probation? Perhaps they will extend it while he works towards targets?

Merryoldgoat · 27/06/2021 23:03

Oh come on OP - you know this isn’t mental health related. He’s using you. He’s lazy. He won’t pass probation because he does the bare minimum. He won’t seek help.

Honestly. Why are you still there? You want to finish it 18 months ago.

FunMcCool · 27/06/2021 23:11

Why isn’t he passing probation?

CassandraTrotter · 27/06/2021 23:16

I really don't understand why you continue to put up with this behaviour. You need to really look at your boundaries and expectations and raise them from the floor.

WizardOfAus · 27/06/2021 23:18

Oh OP. I read your previous posts.

Use your justifiable anger to motivate you to leave this lazy bastard. Otherwise, you’ll be back here in another 18 months having wasted even more of your precious time on him.

Lalliella · 27/06/2021 23:21

Does he still do weed OP? That won’t help his MH. I’d probably dump him tbh, he sounds like a liability.

aibubaby · 27/06/2021 23:44

[quote Cocomarine]@therocinante yours was a lovely post, and I’m glad for you and your husband that you’ve been able to do much to help him, and him to help himself Flowers[/quote]
Thank you! Ironically it was (overall) very good for our relationship - but it was very hard at times and I think I'd have been 'justified' in saying it was too much for me at certain points, not that it needs justification. A lot of things needed to line up for it to work out how it did though - OP, if you're reading this, this isn't really about what you can or can't do, it's about what he can do to fix this first and if that falls into place then your support is needed. Otherwise you're going to wear yourself to the bone and you do not need justification to say it's too much - your own lifejacket first, remember. ❤