DP loosing his job again. Not sure if I can do it again.

[Deepblues]

I’m going to rant here as I can’t rant to him/anyone else in real life. I’ll have to be strong as he really suffered with his MH when he was last unemployed.

Over the last 2 years he’s been unemployed for 11 months over two stints - he’ll be going into the third. He finally got a great job in another sector and everything seemed to be on the up. It looks highly likely he hasn’t passed his probation and he’s got a formal meeting about it this week.

Beforehand when he left his job 2 years ago for MH I had a steady job. Bills were covered, a bit of scrimping but he lived off his savings. He got a new job around covid and was the first to be let go. I then lost my job last summer and spent the last year bouncing between zero hour contracts/MNW/temp jobs until now.

The last couple of years have been hard, I’ve worked bloody hard to ensure that all bills have been paid as he’s had debts he’s had to pay. I honestly can’t remember the last time I bought myself something new. He still owes people money (I’ve just found out!) from the last two stints.

I know I sound selfish but I was looking forward to going on holiday, buying some new clothes, getting my nails done again, a decent hair cut, going out with friends etc etc.

While I can cover the bills myself with this wage it’s going to mean no luxuries that I was looking forward to.

And that’s not even taking into account how shit it was for DP and his mental health. Him being in the house 24/7 with his mood plummeting day upon day.

Not sure why I’m writing it here, I guess I’m throwing myself a pity party when I should be thinking of him. I know I’m privileged as there’s plenty of people who have it worse, and just having a roof, safety and food in the fridge makes me better off. I guess I just needed to rant.

@RampantIvy

Why does he keep losing his job?

Because he is shit at it.

OP- tell the fucker to go and stack fucking shelves in Lidl etc until he can be arsed to work out how he can hold down a job...

I'm with a few quid... but if I wasn't I'd stack shelves just for the self respect...

Any shelf stackers out there - you have my utmost respect and well done to you

They might just extend his probation?

Oh, op this relationship is so dysfunctional and eating more and more of you and your life up. Every time you post it's sunk to new lows.

All your reasons for continuing the relationship are dysfunctional too. You went from a long distance relationship dominated by months of his (undiagnosed, untreated, only ever used as an excuse why you have to tolerate his shit behaviour) "depression" to him moving in with your family and you then feeling too guilty to end the relationship because he'd have to move out.

From your comments, I think you knew it was over 18 months ago but haven't been able to manage your emotions in order to act on that. You're not his keeper.

And the recurring theme of not wanting to be "the person who ends a relationship with someone with depression" . You can't stay in a dysfunctional situation for that reason. You will make yourself desperately ill.

What about you? Don't you value yourself at all? Why are you throwing your life in the dustbin? You've done three years of this shit with him now, he's never going to come good.

You are not responsible for this man or his actions.

You won't get get another turn at life, don't waste it like this. It's just tragic.

@Deepblues

I agree with @wisteriaandwhine 🌸

What is his diagnosis?

You're allowed leave him, you know.
Should be easier when you're not married too.

For God's sake re-read your own previous threads and think what advice you would give your friend. You are not selfish or throwing a pity party, he is a lazy arse who takes advantage of you and at this point you're being a martyr about it. End it! Move on! Make your own happiness and cut out the dead weight.

How're y'all finding the previous threads? Could you link me, please?

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@Deepblues If there's drug use then that's a definite bin, as it shows he is not really commited to improving his mental health and work performance. It also impairs a user's relationships.

I personally do not like moody men, or men I can't respect. Had enough of that with my dad.

Why are you still denying reality? This relationship should have been over ages ago. At this point, you are the maker of your own misery.

Losers gonna lose. Happens all the time. While you're there to support him, he's going to keep doing this, knowing you will pick up the slack.

Only way to break the pattern is to stop - chuck him out, since he's not contributing anything positive to your relationship, only adding stress and misery.

Marie Kondo him! He's not bringing you joy, bin him off!

My ex had MH problems but would not take doctor’s advice and drank a lot. He got sacked for a comment he made in a meeting after a heavy night . I kept everything going then plus through a prior period when he injured himself after drinking . He got another job after 12 months but had long periods of sick due to to his MH . The employer was a healthcare company who had a good long term sickness policy and I think he actually tried to be medically retired. Eventually I had enough of working long hours and overtime to keep us going . We split up . I claimed maintenance for our son and guess what he is back at work with 100% attendance now he has to pay his own bills . He’s making me fight for my share of the house as he has no pension provision and I won’t be around to support his retirement. Don’t be a mug like I was OP .

Does he take any ownership of his problems? Do you want or need to stay with him?

You'd be much better off ditching this loser.

OP why are you ranting? Why aren't you doing what countless people have already advised you to do - leave this drug user who's dragging you down in your life.

What have you been able to achieve in the 2 years you've been dragged down by him? Not as much as if you'd been on your own - independent and free to make real choices in your life.

You've only been together 2 years. What's stopping you from walking away?

1. Why is he failing his probation? Chronic lateness / attitude problems / genuinely struggling with the work?

1. Why does he have debts from second out-of-work period? Was he covering essential bills that your wage wouldn't stretch to, or was he buying things he wanted?

1. Why has he only just told you about the new debts?

1. What's his attitude to all this? Is he willing to get on the £10/day threads and slowly pay back the debts himself (he'll have time around job hunting)?

@Cocomarine

Oh *@Deepblues* go back and read your previous threads about him. I’m not a GP so I can’t diagnose MH or otherwise. I can diagnose arsehole though 🤷🏻‍♀️

Two question for you… see all the while you’ve been paying bills for him, has he (a) sold his fancy car to help out or (b) quite the weed?

Yep! You again. He's a stoner addict who puts himself first because he has people enabling him, and you are sadly the chief among these.

Never mind why he keeps losing jobs, etc, why do you feel compelled to pay for his fancy car and drugs? Why don't you feel you can leave him?

Leave him. He’s using you and you’re enabling him.

Just read your other threads. You've been together 3 years now, and in that time you've paid off all his (original) debt for him (even if you're covering bills for him so he can pay off debt, that's still you paying it).

He does no housework except cooking, does his hobby all weekend. It's not sounding like a very equal relationship, sorry :(

I guess the proof of the pudding will be whether he's willing to spend the next year bouncing between zero hour contracts/MNW/temp jobs, just as you've had to do. I bet he finds a reason not to though...

Oh just get rid, hes sucking all life from you. Get out now, I promise you will never look back.

OP. Do you think he is going to change? I don't think he is....

@me4real

How're y'all finding the previous threads? Could you link me, please?

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@Deepblues If there's drug use then that's a definite bin, as it shows he is not really commited to improving his mental health and work performance. It also impairs a user's relationships.

I personally do not like moody men, or men I can't respect. Had enough of that with my dad.

Go into Advanced Search and put in the user name and look for thread titles.

Why can’t he get a MW job until he gets another job? Plenty of places are looking at the minute in the hospitality sector, for example. It might not bring in a lot but it’ll be, what, just over a grand per month? Better than nothing and it’ll mean you can have a few treats. Also, he can use some of it to pay off these debts.

He needs to sort himself out. It isn’t your job to pick up the pieces.

@PizzaCrust

Why can’t he get a MW job until he gets another job? Plenty of places are looking at the minute in the hospitality sector, for example. It might not bring in a lot but it’ll be, what, just over a grand per month? Better than nothing and it’ll mean you can have a few treats. Also, he can use some of it to pay off these debts.

He needs to sort himself out. It isn’t your job to pick up the pieces.

Because he has the OP bouncing round him, paying for everything, going without so he can buy weed and drive a nice car and do his hobby in exchange for cooking dinner. So much of this around it's sad. At least she's not using money she could be spending on her kids on a bloke, there's plenty of that around as well - women paying for it all whilst he enhances his savings and investments in exchange for rubbing her feet and sex.

Are you suffering from Sunk Costs Fallacy with this loser, OP? You realise his using you to support him is a form of abuse, don't you? Dump him before your mental health goes down the toilet. Get rid and go and have your nice life, enjoying the money you work hard to enjoy. Once he's gone, give your self some time and space, do the Freedom Programme, get your self esteem back, and build some good personal boundaries about what you are prepared to put up with from a future partner.

Why won’t he pass probation?