To be angry my options are very limited

[thelostwoman]

Hello all,
Sorry this is a really long post.
I think I am just using this as a way of letting off some stress/anger at my life and the part I've played in messing it up.
I am 30 years old and still haven't sorted any of my life out.
• I left school at 11/12 and only did 1 year at college at 16. So my education is non existent.
• I went from low skilled job to low skilled job only lasting up to a year at a time before moving on.
• I got pregnant at 26 to a much older man who is now like an alcoholic teenager who doesn't take responsibility. Upside I finally ended the relationship yesterday for good even though we have not lived together since Jan 2020 because of his habits.
• I have only 2 friends who both live the other side of the country and my family that are alive are either uninterested or toxic.
• I had a business that I ran from home that was my hope/future and was doing really well but my landlord has had to ask me to stop it because of his insurance. I can't afford to rent out office/storage space around this area.
• I have no idea how I'm going to manage a normal job as child minders that are left around my area either only take clients from 9-3 or/and don't do school runs to the school my DD has been assigned.
• Jobs that I am suitable for ask for complete flexibility in shifts/working hours which I can't do.
• To get an education I would first need to take GCSEs and then an access course, which under UC I can't do without losing most of the income they give.
• I have no idea what I would train in even if I could go to university.
• I am seriously looking at onlyfans/chaturbate/livejasmin/myfreecams and other camgirl sites as a way to make an income though I know it is very hard work and the top earners work 60+ hours a week between content creating and advertising.

I'm lying here next to my DD with her chest infection in bed and all I can think of is how much I'm failing her and how I wanted her to have a much better life than the one I had growing up. But my past choices have made it near impossible.

This has ended up being a lot longer than I anticipated. Hopefully some of you have made it to the end.

So AIBU to be angry at myself for my past decisions making my life even harder now?

I agree with PP, you were a child when you made those poor decisions (a very young child), the adults involved failed you. You sound like you have drive and resilience, you will get through this. It will be a bit crap whilst your daughter is young, and Covid causes childcare issues, but this is not a long term problem. She will get older and more able to look after herself, childcare will be different when Covid stuff has settled down (which hopefully won't be too much longer). It seems like forever now but it's really not. I'd do whatever job you can until the situation improves, and some free online courses will be good preparation for further study. Would cleaning, so you choose your hours, be an option? You've run a business before so you have the skills for that already.

You need to give yourself more credit. At 11 your parents were responsible for you. To have dropped out of school you clearly didn't have the support most kids get.
What is the business you had? I think your best bet is to find a way to keep this going rather than giving it up and trying to reschool.
When you are in a better place and are secure then look into doing functional skills at college which are like GCSE's but not quite as hard.
I also think moving to an area where there is more support should be considered.

I’m a FE tutor so know a little about this because I teach access and older GCSE students. You won’t lose benefits, that simply isn’t true. I teach quite a few single Mother’s who are on benefits and none of them are any worse off financially for studying so I’m unsure who told you this but it isn’t accurate. You can do a few GCSEs simultaneously which will take a year (well, an academic year which is 10 months) and provided you pass these, you can then do an access course of your choice which will take another 10 months. The access courses are more intense than GCSE but perfectly doable and we offer a lot of support. Honestly, I have taught umpteen single Mother’s now and all have been successful. One of them left school with no qualifications, spent two years at college and is now at uni.

I use a CM who collects my DC from school (when I’m not on mat leave anyway) and I’ve never heard of a CM who doesn’t have this option so I suggest looking into this a bit more extensively. Alternatively I’d contact the college and explain your situation, see whether they have any advice.

You’re not a lost cause by any means, you’re very young and have plenty of opportunity to turn your life around. Please don’t beat yourself up or be defeatist, we’re all just humans trying our best. You definitely aren’t letting your DD down.

I had a business that I ran from home that was my hope/future and was doing really well but my landlord has had to ask me to stop it because of his insurance. I can't afford to rent out office/storage space around this area

What was the business? Could you advertise for a householder who would allow you to do it from his/her home in return for a small share of the profits? Or I liked a pp's idea: offer to pay for the appropriate insurance for your landlord.

How did you manage to leave school at 11/12? I am intrigued, particularly as it is against the law.

@MagicSummer

How did you manage to leave school at 11/12? I am intrigued, particularly as it is against the law.

It’s much easier than people think for kids to fall through cracks and fall off the radar.

It was even easier 20 years ago

Regret is a horrible thing and very heavy to carry. If you think back to that 11 year old, the fact you were part of a toxic family (that you mention) no doubt played it's part in your choices and nobody at that age takes far sighted decisions without guidance from somewhere, so forgive yourself for not being wise, no-one is wise at 11. Of course it's crap and it's reasonable to be angry. But your daughter is not going to be failed because no matter what she's got a mum who has the will and benefit of experience to give her a better start, take your answer and use it to power your best parenting, to not put your bitterness onto her but to show her what a great parent really does.
You've got it tough no doubt, without friend or family to support you, but support exists in less personal forms, seek out the kind and patient people who have created places for people like you, maybe your local church community, maybe a charity.
Cam work doesn't build a future and once you're in it and relying on the income (if you make one) you won't have time to build an alternative to break away. It's a cul-de-sac, a trap.
Could your area have any adult apprenticeships available?
uk.indeed.com/m/jobs?q=Adult+Apprenticeship

How did you leave school at 11? You can’t leave compulsory education until you’re 16. There are free maths and English GCSE courses at local colleges for adults that didn’t do/failed their GCSEs. You could attend lessons whilst your DD is at nursery/school.

Oh bless you, you are not failing your daughter or yourself, you already want to change your life and that's a massive thing, well done. Now you can start looking at what you want to do and how to achieve it. Maybe ask at the local college or library for studying options funded for you, see if there is a way to keep this business going . You CAN do this, you CAN change your life !

How did you leave school at 11? You can’t leave compulsory education until you’re 16

One of my relative's dc effectively left school through school refusal in his early teens. Got very little support and what he did get wasn't effective - he's ended up with no qualifications and is still struggling - and this was recent.

There are lots of ways children can fall through the cracks.

Have you seen this thread?
There is a new one every month, so the July one will be coming soon.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/4259481-Jumping-into-June-Earn-10-a-day-thread

What about cleaning op? Many elderly people in my area keep asking on our local fb page for a regular cleaner. Most cleaners around here charge between 20-25. Most cleaning would be in the day time when you're free, you'd work it around school. I honestly think that's your best option. Print some leaflets and post on fb, and see. What about waiting for the children to start secondary school before signing up for courses, so you're more flexible? You might be able to do your maths and English gcse alongside an access course. I believe in you op, you can do it.

£20-25 per hour

Well hopefully you will not make another crap life choice by becoming a cam girl. Destroy your self esteem, risk social exposure and become a rubbish role model for your DD. Just don't.

Look at classes to take GCSEs and start a career path? I don't understand how UC works or why it will be removed. Maybe the job centre can advise?

If your name is already on the tenancy, your landlord can't just chuck you out.
There's a lot of info on the Shelter website.

You sound like you are doing a great job being there for your daughter and striving to improve yourself.
I used to teach on an Access course. You should definitely contact your local college to see your options. The course I taught on was Access to Social Work and Access to Nursing, both of those professions welcome mature applicants but you will need Level 2 qualifications in Maths and English. Teaching also need science. You could do GCSE’s in Maths and English this year and Access next year, we didn’t recommend doing them all at once as it was often too much for people and we want them to pass! However lots of colleges offer functional skills level 2 which is a GCSE equivalent for many Uni courses and is quicker to complete. You could talk about this at your college or the job centre.
Many Universities offer widening participation and so want people from different academic backgrounds. It might be worth a look at your local uni and seeing what kind of things are interesting for you and then calling the tutors to discuss entry qualifications.
Good luck, you totally can do, so many people do and you can too.

Re teen years setting up the rest of your life. Not the case. Many people take wrong turnings and find their way later. Some people simply develop or fulfill their potential later than others. Lots of people do degrees or professional training in their30s and 40s

Your circumsmstances are not that unusual. Don't put the rest of your life behind you. You have motivation and that will get you to where you want to be. All you need now is a plan and lots of good suggestions here already.

I was in s dead end job with virtually no qualifications at 18 had a postgraduate degree by age 25. I'm not a particularly intelligent person. Purely down to motivation and having clear goals

Sometimes things which seam like they make a situation worse actually can be the first step to making it much better.

It is possible this is the case with your ex wanting to be off the tenancy, not having a guarantor and not being able to continue your business that fits around your young childs needs.

Your current/ new situation could put you very high on the housing list. It would certainly be worth a phone call explaining the circumstances - dont underplay it.

You are obviously a big survivor but its time to let society help and not downplay to housing the outcome of not having a guarantor and not being able to work have a real impact on you.

This could give you much more security in your accomodation. Depending on what your business is, you could even discuss if you could get housing where this can continue.

We all have a hierachy of needs - you're meeting your DD's she is warm, dry, loved, fed, accomodated, safe.

Beyond essential basic needs its really good to think about your wants. Breaking down what is important to you can help you to plan which life problems to tackle first. What is your dream?

Small steps in the right direction really help that.

I was a single parent with two DC 1 and 3. The eldest was and is severely disabled. At the time I couldn't get access to most benefits we didn't have his pages and pages of diagnosis he has now - just complex case. I couldn't get childcare, they weren't able to offer my eldest full time school when he was old enough - he was given a place they just regularly asked me to keep him home or phoned to say he'd had enough. I eventually got onto tax credits and did a lot of buying and selling online.

Breaking life down into smaller steps helps. Whilst the DC were very young I didn't have a great life plan. The young years go by fairly quickly and flexibility and options increase as they get older.

I do remember it felt impossible at times. I felt trapped and like a failure. Roll on 14 years - We are warm, dry, over fed, housed, happy (and I'm remarried with a third child). DS who couldn't fit into school ultimately got into special school and is now in an apprenticeship and thriving.

I have a very full time business that I started whilst single and on benefits with selling old items, then buying to sell. Ultimately this became a full time job and a living, fitting around the childrens needs - we got completely off benefits.

There are various schemes around to help young business to start up. Natwest run a few for business' at various stages, some of these include a period of free work space. There is also the enterprise allowance - a JobcentrePlus scheme where you can potentially get your benefits and earn for 6 months to help you get established. The scheme also offers start up loans if you're on qualifying benefits. You need to have make a business plan but should be able to get help off the scheme as part of the process is to provide you with a mentor to help you negotiate the early stuff like putting your business down on paper as a plan.

Lots of great advice so far. Some have already touched on it, though some might be able to give better tips if we know what type it is it and what is the landlord's concern? If it's an online one and the LL simply doesn't want the address associated with it, as others said there are business centres where for far cheaper than renting, you can use their address and use some of their other facilities. If you've been doing it from home, it's unlikely to need to rent out any space unless you're dealing with significant stocks that are coming to and leaving the property or having clients there.

For the tenancy situation, it may not automatically mean you need a guarantor. I was in a situation where housemates pulled out and we had to write a letter saying the change of circumstances and asking to remain on, I feared the same the as you, but in the end the LL agree and it was switched over smoothly. It may be as simple as asking.

It is frustrating how things that happen in our teen years, many of which often involve a lot of factors that were out of our control through being let down by adults and systems around us, can have such an impact later on, but while tempting, there isn't much benefit being angry at yourself now or the 11 year old you once were or to see yourself as failing. Options are limited, but hopefully some of the tips in this thread may be able to help you find one that gives you more options than you had.

I will try to answer the questions that have been asked.

I was a school refuser after my gran died who had me 3 days a week, then 7 members of step family died including my step dad in 2 1/2 years.
From what I remember I was registered as 'homeschooled' and had some guy come around and 'check' my work. I literally showed him the same drawings and homework I had from original school 3 years in a row.

My business was as a reseller so I had a lot of items that were stored in mostly my bedroom. Being in a flat in a converted house I was going to be extending it to the loft space.

I will look at asking my landlord if I can get any extra insurance/ pay more to cover the difference. I would love to stay here as he is a really good landlord, hasn't raised the rent, has let me decorate and I've got a garden. The rents have gone up so much in that time around here and for the same amount I pay I could only get a one bedroom now.

I'm lucky to have a good credit rating as I've only got a credit card that I use extra protection for big purchases that I've already saved up for.

Thank you everyone for opening my eyes to different ideas.

I think I'm just on a bit of a downer.

www.cloudworkers.company/en

^^^ that is a sexy text chat job, completely anonymous and you get paid per text, I haven't tried it myself but if its something that you good at doing it could be a good way to earn money from home, pretty sure you don't have to declare it until you hit £1k.

You don't have to go through traditional school, you can basically teach yourself anything online, you could use the BBC GCSE website to get that base of knowledge and then teach yourself to code websites and sell them to local companies or learn a language and be a translator.

Don't feel ashamed about camming if it's something you're comfortable doing for money, but absolutely do not do it if you're just desperate for money cus then it will do more harm if you aren't going in with both eyes open to what its gonna be like.

Could you afford a lock up for storing your reselling?

I think I'm just on a bit of a downer

Deep breath, take a look at your life and look at everything you’ve achieved! You’re doing your absolute best for you and your daughter, you’ve got rid of your dreadful ex, you’ve got a good credit rating and it sounds like you got your head screwed on tight.

You absolutely cannot blame yourself for your lack of education. As others have said, the adults around you badly failed you. Forget about cam work. The potential damage it could cause you is not something you need to cope with on top of everything else.

Is the father of your child paying child maintenance?

I have no idea how I'm going to manage a normal job as child minders that are left around my area either only take clients from 9-3 or/and don't do school runs to the school my DD has been assigned.

OP have you thought about becoming a child minder yourself?
There will be lots of people struggling to find childcare like you are and you don’t have to worry about finding childcare for your own DD.