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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Toddler scared of room? Leave him or rescue him??

69 replies

SleepingStandingUp · 26/06/2021 19:42

Because obv it's shitty to leave him Screaming but then how do I know it's not just because he knows he'll get brought back down if he does it? If you even walk him near his room he gets screamy, afternoon naps I can just about get with a quick settle but evenings are shit. He ends up downstairs all night as we sit silently in a dark room trying to get him to sleep only to then risk waking him when we put him in his cot and be up and down all night. Last night he fell asleep in 0ir bed after an hour of trying, went back to his own cot about 2 am and was back in with is by 5 but he was so hysterical.

And to top it off it sets off his twin brother who would otherwise generally settle ok so I can end up with two of them downstairs until late.

I just don't know what to do. Obv I can't leave him Screaming, for his and his brothers sake but then his bro gets upset because he's left upstairs and he's past the calm but when he would have slept.

I just see years and years of this ahead of us, older DS didn't go down easily until he was gone 4 and at 6 it still takes stories and bed cuddles

What are we doing wrong?

OP posts:
Fitforforty · 26/06/2021 19:43

Go and sit with him until he falls asleep. How old is he?

Blindstupid · 26/06/2021 19:44

How old is he? You have 3 children - twins and 1 older?

EmeraldShamrock · 26/06/2021 19:48

Get a soothing projector night light, he probably is genuinely scared, can he communicate why? Or he might be a bad sleeper.
Would a toddler bed with lamp help?

MiddleClassProblem · 26/06/2021 19:48

Have you tried playing in his room with him so it’s not just associated with sleep? Also, is there something in particular he seems scared of or do you think it’s the idea of sleeping on his own? Are they sharing a room?

aiwblam · 26/06/2021 19:50

I just let mine in our room at that age. They just wanted their parents so that’s what we did.

Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 26/06/2021 19:50

@Fitforforty

Go and sit with him until he falls asleep. How old is he?
If I go in, they both just scream and reach for me to get them out. If I cuddle one, the other one gets jealous and upset. If I cuddle them both in their cots, they still pull and claw at me to get them out.

18 months and not really taking yet so I can't ask what's wrong.

Yeah just the three kids

OP posts:
Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 26/06/2021 19:51

He doesn't even seem that tired which is nonsense because he was up at 7, he's had an hour's nap. So he's been awake 12 hours.

OP posts:
Amammai · 26/06/2021 19:52

I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong, he might genuinely feel scared and have a vivid imagination. Hard for young children to rationalise that they are safe. Night night, night projector, music? Comforter? And definitely staying with him until he’s asleep. I know it’s a faff but sometimes they just need that reassurance. Your 6 year old having storied and cuddles still sounds completely normal. I think I’ll be lost when my little boy doesn’t what this anymore!

MiddleClassProblem · 26/06/2021 19:52

Also thinking Dd went from cot to a bed at around that age so maybe a change could help soon?

Dd sleeps in our bed on and off too. It’s weird that adults get to sleep together and the kids are on their own. But I think the fear is the main thing to tackle rather than the sleep routine first if that makes sense x

Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 26/06/2021 19:53

@EmeraldShamrock

Get a soothing projector night light, he probably is genuinely scared, can he communicate why? Or he might be a bad sleeper. Would a toddler bed with lamp help?
Got a new night light, it Def isn't dark in there. Plus light on monitor. No they're not talking yet. So is it fear or just "do not send me to bed stupid woman"
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Blindstupid · 26/06/2021 19:53

At 18 months they can fall asleep on their own … you need to decide a routine thats going to work for you and stick to it. Everyone does things differently, I’d recommend thinking really hard about how you want your bedtimes to be, how they’ll soothe etc.

Mine all had a bedtime routine from very very young. It’s definitely doable but you need to be very rigid when you decide, and start.

Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 26/06/2021 19:55

@MiddleClassProblem

Have you tried playing in his room with him so it’s not just associated with sleep? Also, is there something in particular he seems scared of or do you think it’s the idea of sleeping on his own? Are they sharing a room?
He'll walk in their on his own, if I carry him he knows he's going in the cot so gets upset as we even get close to the door. If he walks in calmly and I put him in the cot he then starts screaming. No room at all in there to hang out. Two cots in a confined space. I've even moved the cots so they can touch although the room is so small they could stand and reach over anyway. Tried putting them in the same cot. They always go up together unless one is exhaust
OP posts:
ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 26/06/2021 19:55

Everyone's mattresses in one rooms and all sleep in together if there is space?

Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 26/06/2021 19:56

@aiwblam

I just let mine in our room at that age. They just wanted their parents so that’s what we did.
Well it's 7 pm (was) so being with me means being downstairs in the living room whilst I tidy and even last night when I took him to my bed, it took an hour. He's not getting enough sleep which is going to make him ill
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MiddleClassProblem · 26/06/2021 19:57

It could be a combo of fear that becomes habit/I know I can have another option if I do this or it could just be fear. I think as you don’t know, you just got to get to the bottom of what the fear may be of as there was an initial trigger. Even if that trigger no longer exists or is being exaggerated or is still present, if you can somehow address it then maybe it will make him feel extra safe with what mum says, iyswim. I might be rambling a bit.

Arghlife · 26/06/2021 19:57

Is this behaviour recent? Could something have happened? Even if it seemed minor?
Just thinking because I was looking after a boy similar age and one time he was asleep in his pushchair and we went into a lift and it started talking suddenly and woke him up, and for a long time afterwards he was petrified of lifts.

GiantToadstool · 26/06/2021 19:59

Absolutely normal to need an adult sitting or stroking to sleep at that age. Or gently singing and helping to settlw.

Dobbyafreeelf · 26/06/2021 20:00

Swap cots for toddler beds? Then they can cuddle up together if they want to and perhaps feel less trapped than in a cot?

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 26/06/2021 20:00

Are you on your own? Could DP tidy the living room / you leave it till the next day and you all go up to bed together at 7pm. Take a Kindle to read Wink.

It sounds like a lot of drama has inadvertently been created around beds and bedtime and sleeping. They have learned that you go away, and if they wake up in the night you wont be there to protect them from the sabre toothed tigers. They are just babies, if you can sleep with them do. I think things will calm down when they realise you are there when they go to sleep and that if they wake up you are still there.

squishmittens · 26/06/2021 20:00

My ds was hysterical at bedtimes when he was 18 months. He completely turned against his cot - wouldn't go in it, seemed to be terrified of it. He spent a month sleeping in our bed and then we tried him on his toddler bed. After that he was fine. I don't know whether it was the toddler bed or time that made the difference.

Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 26/06/2021 20:00

@Amammai

I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong, he might genuinely feel scared and have a vivid imagination. Hard for young children to rationalise that they are safe. Night night, night projector, music? Comforter? And definitely staying with him until he’s asleep. I know it’s a faff but sometimes they just need that reassurance. Your 6 year old having storied and cuddles still sounds completely normal. I think I’ll be lost when my little boy doesn’t what this anymore!
Daddy gets the 6 yo and tbh DH likes it as much as DS. No rush to do away with it.

The problem with staying in there is the room is so small they can reach me so grab me. If o pick up one, even if the other is calm they get jealous. With DS at this age one of us would have just sat there and cuddled him to sleep but it's harder with two in there.

@MiddleClassProblem problem is T2 doesn't like being cuddled to sleep etc so you're basically lying adjacent to him until he's ready. T1 at least will snuggle!! And there's room for 1 but not 2 so I can put the first one in our bed, but literally had to hide in the loo with screaming T1 last night as DH put T2 back in their cot from our bed so I could put T1 in to get him back down. No room for a master and Def not all on floor @ItsAllGoingToBeFine

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 26/06/2021 20:00

Is there room to read a story in there or something? Just at a completely unrelated time of the day to sleeping? Or pop them in a cot whilst changing the bedding? Music on your phone, swap cots for the next bedding change? That was a very specific to do but just thing ig of how the space can be seen as not to do with you putting him in the cot for bed only when you go in there together.

EmeraldShamrock · 26/06/2021 20:02

I'd try them in a bed together if they're close friends, you must be exhausted. Flowers

Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 26/06/2021 20:03

@Arghlife

Is this behaviour recent? Could something have happened? Even if it seemed minor? Just thinking because I was looking after a boy similar age and one time he was asleep in his pushchair and we went into a lift and it started talking suddenly and woke him up, and for a long time afterwards he was petrified of lifts.
It is recent, he used to be like those dolls that you lie down and their eyes close and they sleep. T1 was my bad sleeper, now he's marginally better but T2 is horrific. But there's nothing I can pinpoint We just assumed teeth the first few times and like last night they went down fine but he woke at 10 and wouldn't calm down until we got him out.

I've considered swapping bedrooms but it's no small job

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twinmum86 · 26/06/2021 20:03

Sleep issues with twins sharing a room is a nightmare. I still remember the fear when one cried out and the lightning speed I used to use to get there before twin 2 woke up!

We did controlled crying with ours at around that kind of age. We had to for all our sakes as no one was getting enough sleep. We were prepared for it to be horrendous, camped out in the room opposite with snacks galore expecting to be there for hours.... the first night we went in 6 times and got up to 8 minutes of crying and they settled themselves to sleep!