Toddler scared of room? Leave him or rescue him??

[SleepingStandingUp]

Because obv it's shitty to leave him Screaming but then how do I know it's not just because he knows he'll get brought back down if he does it? If you even walk him near his room he gets screamy, afternoon naps I can just about get with a quick settle but evenings are shit. He ends up downstairs all night as we sit silently in a dark room trying to get him to sleep only to then risk waking him when we put him in his cot and be up and down all night. Last night he fell asleep in 0ir bed after an hour of trying, went back to his own cot about 2 am and was back in with is by 5 but he was so hysterical.

And to top it off it sets off his twin brother who would otherwise generally settle ok so I can end up with two of them downstairs until late.

I just don't know what to do. Obv I can't leave him Screaming, for his and his brothers sake but then his bro gets upset because he's left upstairs and he's past the calm but when he would have slept.

I just see years and years of this ahead of us, older DS didn't go down easily until he was gone 4 and at 6 it still takes stories and bed cuddles

What are we doing wrong?

Totally feel for you all x

@GiantToadstool

Absolutely normal to need an adult sitting or stroking to sleep at that age. Or gently singing and helping to settlw.

But they don't settle because they're clammering at me to get out and screaming because I won't. They're two big and lively to hold both together. If o get one 9it the others one cries with jealously. I'll happily hear how people actually did it with twins but I can't manage it

Is putting their cot in your bedroom an option?
My first was like this and I just couldn't be bothered with it. It made naps and evenings stressful. I took one side rail off the cot and pushed it up against our bed (so it was as though she was in bed with us but was actually in her own).
I lay in bed with her and just rolled her into her cot when asleep.
I hope you find something that works for you! 💐

I also had the same issue with being in the room. Didn't work. They both wanted cuddles and 1 person cannot physically rock two toddlers to sleep and successfully put them in their beds once sleeping!

A friend did the complete opposite and put them both to bed in her bed and just cuddled with them until they were both sleeping and then transferred - it didn't solve the night wakings though and she lost a big chunk of her evening.

You need to play in the room when it's not bedtime if he's scared to even walk past.

Start with half and hour in the morning and half an hour in the afternoon. Separate from sleep altogether. To make it a space he wants to be in.

Are you sure he's going to bed early enough? My DS sleeps so much worse if he's even 20 mins going down. He's 18months and does 2/3hr nap and 11 hours overnight. I'd think with a short nap your needs to go down earlier.

Gah, keeps crashing.

Thank you @MiddleClassProblem I'll try disassociation. They'll happily go upstairs so I'll corral them into theirs instead of their brothers room. No way all 3 can share, no one would ever sleep again.

Also won't share a cot. I tried. T2 is intolerant of being lay upon and they fight over bottles

We had a horrendous sleep regression at that age. Went on for about 2 months. My little boy would literally sleep for a bout 4 hours a day and it nearly killed me 😂 so could be to do with that. He would be awake for the day at 3am and not even have a nap.

@JustWonderingIfYou

You need to play in the room when it's not bedtime if he's scared to even walk past.

Start with half and hour in the morning and half an hour in the afternoon. Separate from sleep altogether. To make it a space he wants to be in.

Are you sure he's going to bed early enough? My DS sleeps so much worse if he's even 20 mins going down. He's 18months and does 2/3hr nap and 11 hours overnight. I'd think with a short nap your needs to go down earlier.

He normally does a longer nap, but one woke the other and then.... Bleurgh.

He'll happily walk past into my room or into his room to mess in the cupboard. But if o carry him he knows he's going in the cot. Or he'll be fine and then after half an hour he'll start screaming. They take a bottle to bed and he used to be asleep before it was finished whereas now he finishes it then screams.

@twinmum86

I also had the same issue with being in the room. Didn't work. They both wanted cuddles and 1 person cannot physically rock two toddlers to sleep and successfully put them in their beds once sleeping!

Thanks, it just isn't in the same league as when you have one. And in a small room too. No room for cots in our room unfortunately, Def not two

I have an 18mo and he so so clingy at the moment - I wonder if this is a second bout of separation anxiety? He also used to go down like a dream but now bedtime is taking longer and longer and if he wakes in the night he screams so loudly, whereas before he might call out but would generally just babble/suck his hand and go back to sleep on his own. No advice as in the same boat but solidarity!

Thanks. I Def think there's a weird sleep thing at this age. And I'm grateful they're not both as bad simultaneously 🤣

Mine are 22m and they’re still in our room with us mixing cosleeping and being in their cot. DH settles one while I take the other. It suits us so we don’t see the need to change any time soon.

I could of wrote this 6 months ago my daughter was the same age too. I have only the one but she completely refused the cot and her bedroom all of a sudden she would cry hysterically and wouldn't settle it was awful. We tried settling her in our bed and moving her, cry it out everything! I think it was some developmental phase but I went on for ages. We think we figured too that it was that she moved to the toddler room in creche where they lie on the floor and not in a cot. So we made her cot into a toddler bed which was slightly better but she would climb out on sleep on the floor then. So in the end we set up a bed on the floor. 6 months later she's only just started to sleep a full night in her bed not the floor. One of us still has to ly with her til she sleeps. Ive no suggestions really but maybe if you could trial a mattress on the floor and see if that works?

would it help to offer them choices? like do you want to wear the red pj's or the blue pj's/this toy or that toy/walk or be carried into their room. I have an almost 18m old, and sometimes being given a choice seems to diffuse a situation. I only have one though and find it hard! twins must be so tough

@aiwblam

I just let mine in our room at that age. They just wanted their parents so that’s what we did.

This

@Rememberallball

Mine are 22m and they’re still in our room with us mixing cosleeping and being in their cot. DH settles one while I take the other. It suits us so we don’t see the need to change any time soon.

Which is great, but we just don't have the room for two cots beds and the hour when I'm trying to settle them to sleep. DH is settling the 6 yo down. I'm glad you have something that works for you

@aiwblam

I just let mine in our room at that age. They just wanted their parents so that’s what we did.

This

Which means them being downstairs with us all night and not getting enough sleep and getting ill. Or making enough noise in the middle bedroom if we go up early and lie with them to disturb any of the other sleeping two

Letting him just potter round until midnight isn't feasible long term!

@boydy99 they get dressed etc downstairs and have the choice to walk up themselves, to walk to their cots themselves and are only picked up if they won't. They're fine but soon as T2 is put in his cot, hysteria.
We've just lay in my room for a bit, I've got milk and blanket, he walked into his room (banged the door open!), went to play with the nightlight so I put him in his cot. Mid air the Screaming started who j disturbed T1 so we've had to come out.

Thanks @murfs. No room to put mattress on floor without totally dismantling cots, wouldn't know where to start with swapping rooms as DS has so much baby-unfriendly stuff in that wouldn't fit in the box. I've said to DH I think we're going to have to take the sides off cos I actually struggle to lie them down in the cot properly as I'm short and I can't really cuddle them in bed unless they're stood up.

We've tried watching lullaby telly in their rockers. Works for 30 minutes then they fight to escape

@SleepingStandingUp I'm sorry it sounds so tough 😔 could you try taking the cots out and putting their mattresses on the floor?

or if you cuddle them to sleep in your bed, can you sneak out once they're asleep? then maybe you sleeping with them and your partner in their room. maybe just to get you over this hard patch. I think there is a regression at around 18m.

Would you consider controlled crying?

So not leaving him to cry to sleep, but going in after a minute, cuddle and lay back down, then 2 minutes, then 4, then 6 etc up to a max of 10 and repeat as many times as necessary. He knows you're there and not abandoning him.

It worked for our twins even though one wasn't as bad. And we found in the night that the other twin didn't even wake up when we did it even if the awake one was screaming!

It doesnt sound like he's scared of the room it just sounds like major sleep resistance - quite common at that age.

Can you fit just one small travel cot in another room, so that you can at least try to keep him away from his twin, and then try some gradual sleep training.

Also could his teeth be hurting? Going to sleep with a bottle is a factor in teeth decay as milk can pool around the teeth. Might be worth checking with a dentist - it's much easier to ignore tooth ache when you are busy during the day, then notice it when you go to bed.

You must be exhausted. They must be exhausted and setting each other off. I don't have any expertise to offer. Mine was a terrible sleeper at that age. What really improved things is when they started to read. Read a a book with pictures for around half an hour, and then I'd put on a cd story. Softly for around 20 minutes. Leave the room.

My twins were like this from age one until two. It was a nightmare they just always woke each other up all night. There's no easy fix they just grew out of it. I used to lay on the floor beside the cots until they settled but it could take ages. Once they got to two we got them toddler beds and redecorated the room and they were better at getting to sleep but I still had to lay on the floor to get them to sleep until they were about 4 ! They also hated the door closed and settled much better with it open so they could hear us downstairs It does get easier I promise this is the most difficult phase I really did struggle