To feel like I am too exhausted to be a proper mum any more

[Toomuchtooyoung01]

Just not the mum I want to be. When I just had DD (who is now 4) we did so much together and I felt we had such a closeness, since the arrival of DS (16 months) and COVID everything just seems so much harder.
DS sleeps terribly, he is 16 months but still up numerous times throughout the night and often takes absolutely ages to get him to go to sleep or even to nap. Still on the boob and if I don’t feed him to sleep he literally screams and screams until I can’t take any more and just give him the bloody boob.
He is very different to DD in that whereas I could entertain her with activities/books etc and she has always been very affectionate and likes to stay close by, he is a little tornado who literally won’t sit still, all he wants to do is run and climb. DD has literally never had a proper tantrum in her life but DS loses his shit every half an hour about something. I honestly can’t keep up with him.
So as not to drip feed, we have had huge issues with renovating our house meaning (won’t bore you with the details as this would be a 10000000 word post otherwise) that the 4 of us are camped out in the downstairs of the house. We are supposed to be selling the house but I am convinced our buyers are going to pull out. I coped with the house situation previously by ensuring me and DD were always very busy going to various toddler groups/soft play/the playground etc but obviously with going into lockdown when DS was 6 weeks old for most of his first year we were trapped in just the downstairs of our house. If our house sale falls through I honestly don’t know what I will do, I really can’t cope living like this any more.
OH works long hours and is never home from work until after bath time etc. Even when he is home, to be honest although he is a kind and loving dad who adores his kids, I wouldn’t say he is massively helpful. I do feel like he very much sees it as he is the earner and the kids are my job, but what he doesn’t appreciate is that I don’t get to clock in and out, especially with our sons sleep the way it is, I literally never get a break. No family to ask for help and my friends, although all lovely, have all got young children of their own to manage so I don’t feel I could put on them by asking them for help.
I feel like I am a totally different mother to the one I used to be. I was always very patient and caring with DD, whereas now I am way too quick to shout and my patience is almost non existent. I used to take DD out constantly however tired I was, whereas with the two of them I find it so hard. DS hates even having his hand held, likes to run off and is going through a phase of only wanting to go on the swings, and poor DD is basically made to just follow me as I try to contain DS and keep him safe.
I often have dark thoughts about suicide and how if I didn’t have my children I would easily just take an overdose or gas myself in the car or something. I always feel torn between thinking how I could never put them through such trauma and wouldn’t life be better for them not having a burnt out, miserable mum who has no energy or patience left and just goes through the motions of making sure they are safe, clean and fed and not that much else. That’s what any paid caregiver would do so it’s not like I’m even fulfilling the “mothering” part of my job any more, for which I despise myself.
DD goes to preschool 2.5 days a week which she loves, she is due to start school in September and apart from dreading it as I will miss her so much, I also feel so sad that our time together is over and she won’t remember the mother I used to be to her, just the shouting, miserable witch I have been since DS has been born.
I don’t even know what I’m asking for from this post, I suppose just to hear from anyone who has felt a similar way and to hear someone say this is normal and it will get easier and I’m not fucking my relationship with my kids up by being too sad and exhausted to do the things I used to do.

Gosh I think everyone would struggle in those circumstances! The living in the ongoing renovation in lockdown with a new baby and a small child, absence of sleep, and no support....
Sounds like the baby could go to childcare and then you could either spend the time renovating more quickly, or going to work to earn some money to pay for it all. You clearly need a break from parenting in those conditions, it sounds an absolute nightmare.
If continuing breastfeeding the baby doesn't work for you or the baby, then maybe it's time to stop. You'd then be able to hand him over to DH sometimes for sleep purposes, and get him into some sort of routine. Feeding him to sleep isn't working, he's not sleeping, neither are you, and you are feeling torn.
Could you cut it down slowly ( in fact drop the bedtime fed first, go out at bedtime and let DH deal with him) so that he is not dependent on you to get to sleep. Take DD with you if necessary, maybe go to stay with relations or book your self into a hotel for a few days if funds allow.
Tell DH you need a massive amount more support from him. If you are having suicidal thoughts this is really serious and he needs ot understand that. Speak to a GP/Health visitor, maybe they can help. But personally, I don't think it's you, it's the situation. DH must be totally wrapped in his own world to even contemplate carrying on as he is.
He needs to step up and make sure you get enough sleep, however that happens. He'll have a bigger problem on his hands if you have a breakdown and have to be admitted to hospital.

BTw why is the renovation taking so long? Can you move out?

You need tell your DH how low and burnt out you are and that he needs to step up, check in to the family and be more hands on. Get home from work earlier a few times per week and do his share at the weekends.

He is failing you as a husband and the DC as a Dad.

@DelphiniumBlue
OH started doing it himself, stripped out our upstairs and then pretty much realised he didn’t know what he was doing. Don’t have the money for professionals to finish it, so suffered for the last few years and when the property market became the way it is saw an opportunity to sell at a half decent price.

That sounds exhausting OP...can you start phasing out the BFing? I felt like a different person when DC were weaned.

And can you try sleep training? We did it with our first at 5 months and after 3 days he slept through 7-7 - he's 3 now and a great sleeper. Again, lifesaver.

I went through something very similar, though without lockdown.
A 2.5 yr old and a new baby, 5 house moves in a year while our own home was being renovated. DH working very long hours. I know your DC ages are different, but otherwise, circumstances were similar.

The only thing that got me through was going out of the house to local parks as frequently and for as long as I could. We took a picnic/rucksack/pram. A ball, a plastic tennis racquet, golf club, anything that would encourage DS1 to run off his energy.

It did help, all the fresh air and exercise was good for all of us. New baby was breast fed and I just fed him wherever. The temporary places we stayed were absolutely grim and not safe for children. Very stressful.
Do you have any family you could go and stay with? I managed a couple of weeks with my mum and that saved me.
If you are really feeling suicidal, please talk to your health visitor and your GP. They can help.

What do you "stripped out the upstairs? " Are none of the bedrooms useable? What was he planning to do?
If this sale doesn't through, you can't afford not to get professionals in. Given the profit you'll make in the current market, couldn't you get a loan to do this? Or even do it on a credit card? Forgive my questions if they are too intrusive, but I can't imagine what he must have ripped out of the whole upstairs and not have realised sooner what a big job it was. Or how it is completely unacceptable to expect you to live like that. Surely you do one room at a time? He can't think it is OK just to leave it like that?
Sounds like he is not in fact kind or loving if he is prepared to see you fall apart like this because of his decisions. He needs to find a way to sort this out.
How far has the house sale proceeded?

This sounds horrendous, you poor thing. Can’t believe you’re still standing.

I echo a PP, sleep train. ASAP. Join a sleep training group on fb, choose a method and be consistent. It sounds like so many of your problems will be easier to cope with when you are getting some actual quality and RELIABLE sleep. Can’t tell you how much easier being a parent is when I’m getting nine hours unbroken sleep per night plus time to myself during scheduled naps and on an evening before I go to bed. Your child and you deserve and require quality sleep.

OP you dont have to be perfect you are doing your best and your daughter will be fine. Everything will improve as they get older.

I don’t think I’ve ever said this to someone I don’t know.....but you need more than a break, you need a holiday!

I’m impressed you’ve managed this far!
Time for a change up I think, cleaners to come in, oh to back track some work hours and do weekends, both children in childcare one day a week.

That should hopefully give you a start.

@Toomuchtooyoung01 did you post a while ago about this? I remember someone posting about their DH gutting the house and then not being able to finish it and burying his head int he sand.

Either way, I absolutely feel for you, those are incredibly hard circumstances to look after small children in. Please, please give yourself a break.

I have a DS of similar age and he is a nightmare in a similar way on the tantrums and being hard to control. I’m knackered and more snappy than I’d like to be, you aren’t alone on that front.

Would you speak to your GP about the way you are feeling?

Have you been to the doctors about your suicidal thoughts? You need to be completely honest with everyone around you - you need a break and probably treatment - therapy and/or medication to start with.

Gosh. You poor thing, OP. You sound completely drained and exhausted, and no wonder! This isn't about you and the kind of mother you are, but the circumstances you find yourself in. It sounds to me like you could do with remembering that the way we parent depends on the child we get. The style that worked perfectly for your DD just happens not to be so good a match for your DS. That having been said, I can't help but echo others that your DH needs a reality check. Going to work is so much easier than parenting. It just is. And I say this as a FT working mum with a PT working DH who looks after our DD on his non-working days. It sounds like you do think that feeding to sleep isn't helping anymore and want to change it. What does your DH need to do to make it possible for your DS to get to sleep without boob? If you get more sleep, everything will seem so much more hopeful.

You feel like this because you have a non ideal living situation, and a very difficult child. It's ok to say that, and you are NOT a bad mother, not at all.

Essentially you were fine before DS. The "issue" here is DS and the effect he has on you, and I mean that in a very simplistic way. Of course it's not his fault. He's a gorgeous little boy. He, however, keeps you up all night, is difficult during the day, and it's frazzling you. You've been trapped at home with nowhere to go. I have lockdown twins, I feel you massively there. You can see from the way you write, how much he is taking out of you, exacerbated by some external factors too.

Focus on that. How is the best way to fix that...because that's what's continually breaking you down. Tackle one thing at a time, I agree with PP, deal with the sleep first. The difference in you not being at the point of utter exhaustion from the moment you wake up, will be significant.

You are a good mum. You are in crappy circumstances, that have left you feeling low. Anyone would feel crappy, this is not you failing. Credit to you, you've raised two small children in the middle of a global pandemic, trapped in a house that is only liveable on the ground floor. You've done brilliantly.

I have 2 kids exactly the same age and about 3 months ago I was in a very similar place. You need to sleep, one that is sorted you'll see everything in a new light so here is what I recommend.

1. Stop breastfeeding at night. It will be hard for the first 3 nights then will get easier. At bed time do bath, story, cuddle, in his cot then leave the room. Go back every couple of mins to rub his back then try and space it out so you go back every 5 mins.

When he wakes up at night go in and pat him then leave the room in the same way.

1. Do you drink alcohol? If so stop for a couple of weeks and go to bed at 9pm.
2. Ensure you get 3 bits of quality time with DD every day. In the morning read her a story, when DS naps do some colouring with her then maybe something outside like skipping or hopscotch for 20 mins. By having 3 small doses of full attention on her you'll feel less guilty.

Good luck

I think you need to have an honest discussion with your OH, tell him how you feel, tell him he needs to step up. If he's a decent partner then surely he will understand otherwise show him the door.

I also think ot would be a good idea to have an appointment with your gp if you're having dark thoughts.

The last year has been hard on everyone, give yourself a bit of slack. I totally get you on having 2 kids with different personalities ds1 is the same as your dd though ds2 is a different kettle of fish though he's only almost 5 months.

My DD2 didn't sleep through until 2.5 so I really, truly feel your pain. I was an angry ball of rage a lot of the time as I couldn't cope with the broken sleep. I too felt like a really engaged, really patient mother with my first so it was awful to feel it was all unravelling and I couldn't gain any control back. The uselss husband situation was the same too and I think we underestimate how much this gets to the root of the problem - you're doing alone what should be a joint effort.

You are exhausted, IME the suicidal feelings will dissipate when you get some regular sleep and your DS gets a little older and you come down from that "high alert" stage of early mothering but this is very serious OP.

I occasionally had thoughts like that when I was in the trenches like you but it was fleeting and I never would have actually acted on them, I suppose it was overwhelm at the situation and it seemed it would be the only way to "escape". I'd never had thoughts like that in my life and was always very easy going before children so it was pretty horrifying that I got so low but once my DD starting sleeping and was out of that clingy, intense stage everything changed.

However you say you're having these thoughts regularly so you need to get some help. Make a list of tasks that you can realistically give to your DH to ease the burden on you, factor in some time to yourself - this is VITAL. I would also say divide and conquer so on a sat/sunday take your DD just the two of you for some quality time together and leave DS with your DH. You'll feel much better about your relationship with her, it will ease that guilt that's making you feel so low and she will look forward to "DD and mummy" time. Even if it's just an hour. I'd encourage you to see your GP, to rule out your hormones causing PND etc. In my case it was situational but you might need some more help.

I know it doesn't feel like it now but things really will get better OP

You’re being so hard on yourself 💐 Please tell your husband and HV or GP how you feel. I’m not surprised you’re worn out with everything you’re dealing with.

Hi OP,

I have a two and a half year old and an 8 month old.
I don't have half your problems (no renovation and a DH who has been able to be much more supportive) but I wanted to say I feel exactly the same as you do regarding being the Mum I wanted to be with one child and feeling like an absolute fucking failure with two. I am so far from the Mum/wife/friend/person I would like to be, but it's the Mum bit that's killing me.
My eldest has lost the mum he used to have and the youngest has never got to experience her (or that's how I feel anyway). I am going back to work soon and I feel a lot of sadness and grief for how my last bit of time at home with my children has gone. I'm just going to be thrown back into the world of work and child rearing (I work PT) and I feel like I can't cope with either part of my life. I don't want to be away from them but feel I'm not great for them when I'm with them.
Uncertainty can be awful for your mental and emotional state and it seems like something you desperately want (to move on from the house) is not certain in your mind, but that is a temporary situation. Resolution will come.
Lockdown was an awful time to have a newborn and a toddler. There's nothing you can do about that now and I would try not to judge how you are as a mother when you were mothering through an extraordinary situation that was out of your control. None of it was ideal, we did what we could.
I found a way to sleep train without night weaning/wondering if the baby is hungry which was brilliant for us. This was after months of baby and me being so overtired it led to me giving up driving as I didn't feel safe. We all benefitted so much and I was so tired I felt I was being robbed of a special time in another way too as I was too tired to enjoy having a baby.
Try and find one thing to do with your eldest that makes you feel a bit closer to her. I cuddle mine while he watches TV before dinner. It's not a revolutionary brilliant parenting technique but it means a lot to me (and is about all I can manage some days).
Yes parenting is hard and relentless, but it shouldn't be so hard and relentless that the joy gets stamped out of it and your sense of pride in yourself as a person is completely sucked dry to the point you're wondering if you have any value.
That's not a situation to just 'hang on' through like a renovation or lockdown, that's a situation that needs to change for you. You deserve to enjoy and take pride in being a Mum and you deserve to be given the help/support/tools/environmental changes that allow you to get there.
I think it starts with talking about this with real people in your life openly, with whoever you trust to take it seriously. DH needs to know and GP/HV/friend/family member as you see fit.
I really feel for you. You're not a bad Mum you just don't have the resources to be able to do the job how you would like.

Oh my goodness you poor poor thing. Lots of things you say resonate, though mine are a bit older. I would second those who suggest you look into a sleep trainer. I wasn’t massively keen on the idea I’ll admit, but there is just no way you can cope properly with the exhausting situation you’re in if you’re not getting enough sleep. Where do you live? Can you get recommendations for a reputable sleep trainer? Definitely don’t feel bad that you aren’t the same mother for 2 that you were for 1. I’m not either. I don’t think anyone is! And your daughter probably won’t remember the mother you’re being now any more than the mother you were when it was just her!

Yikes, this sounds so tough. Job #1 is for your breastless OH to sleep train your DS. Everything will be more survivable on sleep. My DS (âge 2.5) isn’t a perfect sleeper, but milk was no longer an option for him from 9 months old onwards. I kept breastfeeding him to 20 months, but there was a “no milk rule” from 8pm to 6am. It was liberating because it meant either parent could deal with any night wakings that did occur. Parenting felt much more like team work after that. Good luck!

Other people have come up with some good suggestions but please reach out to your neighbours and friends. Your suituation sounds so similar to my neighbour where she is living upstairs while extensive work is going on and I keep offering to help in anyway like taking the oldest out/round with us to give her a break and I know it's hard to say yes or say what you need but I wish my neighbour would take me up on the offer as I'm watching her burning out and getting low.

I think lockdown with a six week old and three year old (DD would have been?) would be horrendous without those circumstances! I do think you need to talk to your dh about paid help, tbh, even if it’s just a couple of days a week.

@lpchill

Other people have come up with some good suggestions but please reach out to your neighbours and friends. Your suituation sounds so similar to my neighbour where she is living upstairs while extensive work is going on and I keep offering to help in anyway like taking the oldest out/round with us to give her a break and I know it's hard to say yes or say what you need but I wish my neighbour would take me up on the offer as I'm watching her burning out and getting low.

Please stop offering. She knows you are there and the offer exists and she would take you up on it if she wanted to. Continually asking over and over again will just be stressing her out and eventually creeping her out.

I must admit I thought that. I also wouldn’t be happy about neighbours taking my kids out alone unless I knew them really well.