Just not the mum I want to be. When I just had DD (who is now 4) we did so much together and I felt we had such a closeness, since the arrival of DS (16 months) and COVID everything just seems so much harder.
DS sleeps terribly, he is 16 months but still up numerous times throughout the night and often takes absolutely ages to get him to go to sleep or even to nap. Still on the boob and if I don’t feed him to sleep he literally screams and screams until I can’t take any more and just give him the bloody boob.
He is very different to DD in that whereas I could entertain her with activities/books etc and she has always been very affectionate and likes to stay close by, he is a little tornado who literally won’t sit still, all he wants to do is run and climb. DD has literally never had a proper tantrum in her life but DS loses his shit every half an hour about something. I honestly can’t keep up with him.
So as not to drip feed, we have had huge issues with renovating our house meaning (won’t bore you with the details as this would be a 10000000 word post otherwise) that the 4 of us are camped out in the downstairs of the house. We are supposed to be selling the house but I am convinced our buyers are going to pull out. I coped with the house situation previously by ensuring me and DD were always very busy going to various toddler groups/soft play/the playground etc but obviously with going into lockdown when DS was 6 weeks old for most of his first year we were trapped in just the downstairs of our house. If our house sale falls through I honestly don’t know what I will do, I really can’t cope living like this any more.
OH works long hours and is never home from work until after bath time etc. Even when he is home, to be honest although he is a kind and loving dad who adores his kids, I wouldn’t say he is massively helpful. I do feel like he very much sees it as he is the earner and the kids are my job, but what he doesn’t appreciate is that I don’t get to clock in and out, especially with our sons sleep the way it is, I literally never get a break. No family to ask for help and my friends, although all lovely, have all got young children of their own to manage so I don’t feel I could put on them by asking them for help.
I feel like I am a totally different mother to the one I used to be. I was always very patient and caring with DD, whereas now I am way too quick to shout and my patience is almost non existent. I used to take DD out constantly however tired I was, whereas with the two of them I find it so hard. DS hates even having his hand held, likes to run off and is going through a phase of only wanting to go on the swings, and poor DD is basically made to just follow me as I try to contain DS and keep him safe.
I often have dark thoughts about suicide and how if I didn’t have my children I would easily just take an overdose or gas myself in the car or something. I always feel torn between thinking how I could never put them through such trauma and wouldn’t life be better for them not having a burnt out, miserable mum who has no energy or patience left and just goes through the motions of making sure they are safe, clean and fed and not that much else. That’s what any paid caregiver would do so it’s not like I’m even fulfilling the “mothering” part of my job any more, for which I despise myself.
DD goes to preschool 2.5 days a week which she loves, she is due to start school in September and apart from dreading it as I will miss her so much, I also feel so sad that our time together is over and she won’t remember the mother I used to be to her, just the shouting, miserable witch I have been since DS has been born.
I don’t even know what I’m asking for from this post, I suppose just to hear from anyone who has felt a similar way and to hear someone say this is normal and it will get easier and I’m not fucking my relationship with my kids up by being too sad and exhausted to do the things I used to do.